I apologize for the past week. It has been one of the hardest weeks of my life. And I thought being so sick for so long was where I would max out. Turn out, this girl can take quite a bit more.
Christmas was a hard time, but we secretly had a bright spot. I posted this picture to Instagram, saying I felt like a human finally, and it was good to feel put together for the first time in a long time.
Many of you were SO generous and complimentary and encouraging, and it made me feel great. I also felt great because it was one of my first times being out of baggy shirts and sweats, and I was elated to see this:
Baby five was visible. I was surprised and excited and apprehensive that people would notice! It was still so early, much earlier than I have ever showed before! It made his presence feel so much more real.
I was about eight weeks along at that point.
As dates would tell us, that is right around the time that he died.
We went on the next few weeks, combatting things after thing, sickness after headache, and making jokes about how it was kind of convenient just how sick we were, because it was making the weeks leading up to our ultrasound go by so quickly. I had first trimester jitters, like most people do, but I could easily write them off. I had no sickness, but I didn’t with Dekker either, so I couldn’t complain. Can you imagine if I were folded over a toilet, barfing, on top of everything else we were battling?? I was SO thankful for the lack of symptoms. My single hangup was that I couldn’t feel a bump. Around ten weeks, I can usually feel a good grapefruit sized bump where my uterus is. And this time, I couldn’t. But as everyone will tell you, most women don’t find their uterus until 14 -ish weeks. So I told myself “every pregnancy is different” and went ahead with my day, determined not to read too far into things.
And then, at 11 weeks, we had a very quiet ultrasound. No one spoke, but our tech didn’t have to. Our little baby had no heartbeat, and was noticeably undersized. She went and made some calls, but my doctor wasn’t in the office that day. Would I see another doctor? No, I would not. We went home. Brady and I pulled over halfway home and wept together. It was unbelievable. We never thought this would be us.
I spent the evening taking calls from a resident, and also from my doctor, encouraging me that we did nothing wrong, and it wasn’t our fault. The differences were immense between the calls. The resident spoke quickly and professionally, though she was polite and understanding. But she spoke of our “ball of tissue” and our “abortion.” I know those are the appropriate terms in our case, but I found them to be quite devastating. My doctor, on the other hand, talked about our baby, and how sad it was to experience a miscarriage. This tricky thing was that our baby stopped growing right around eight weeks, and I was now eleven weeks into the pregnancy. Our baby’s little body had been waiting in there for three whole weeks. I had options, and I had some time to decide, which was nice. We made an appointment to see Dr. Guselle two days later, on Wednesday.
It was good to go. I cried, and she answered lots and lots of questions. There are so few people who can leave me feeling at ease the way she can. While I was terribly discouraged leaving her office, I was also strangely encouraged about what the future holds, and what we are in fact capable of. I also felt fairly prepared for the days to come.
Friday, we went for another ultrasound. I wanted to be 100% certain that our baby was no longer growing, so I would never have to wonder down the road. Indeed, he was even measuring one day smaller, as a person would expect. I cried. Our tech asked me if I wanted a picture. I cried some more and said I did.
Here he was.
Just a little baby, but undeniably there, and undeniably perfect.
Now knowing with confidence that baby had died, I spent the weekend trying to “lose” the baby. It was horrendous on my heart. Psychologically, I couldn’t fathom taking measures to end a pregnancy that we wanted so badly. But I had this insane peace that I never expected to have. I know there was a group of you who had inquired with us, and were praying hard for our family in this time, and it made an enormous difference. I came to terms with the fact that I truly believe that my baby boy was already up with Jesus, and SO many other little babies. All I had left of his was his body. Which is SUCH a precious part of him, don’t get me wrong, but its the worldly part. His soul is already being very well cared for up in heaven. God loves his even more than I do, which seems impossible, but I believe it to be true.
Physically, the worst is over now. My heart still breaks, and I’ve cried more through writing this out than I thought I would, if I’m being honest. I adore that little boy SO MUCH, and I’m so sad that he can’t be here with his siblings and his parents who have been anticipating him. But as I’ve felt from God since the day we found out he had passed away, it is better that he is with God in heaven than with us on earth.
I have been so excited about writing a post announcing our pregnancy, and I feel like this is sort of taking the place of that. I’m very very sad its gone this way, but I have a very real desire to share his short little life with those who I know would be excited to hear about him and to have met him. Its not an attention grab. Its a celebration of our little boy who we will one day meet in Heaven!!
So I thank you all, once again, for everything you have put into us over this last week specifically. The flowers, meals, coffees, treats, gifts, and the many apologies offered, time spent, tears shed, and comforting words/stories/scriptures shared. I speak for Brady and I both when I say I’m not sure how we would have done this week without all of you. We are still grieving the life of who we believed to be our fourth little boy, and we will likely be sad for a long time, but we are peaceful about the situation at hand, and hopeful for the future. Please continue to pray, and feel free to bring this up to us. Its ok to ask questions. We want to talk about him.
We sure miss you and love you, little man Theo. We can’t wait to meet you someday 💙