Sleeping and Not Sleeping

In the last couple of weeks, nausea has hit me harder than ever before, and I’ve been taking medication full time to keep it at bay. Conveniently, the double dose I take before bed has a delicious drowsy effect, and I’m out to lunch within twenty minutes of taking it. Its a nice system for the time being.

Last night was a bit different, though. While I fell asleep quite easily, I woke up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. That part isn’t uncommon, lol! But then I took a sip of water, and normally, I have no problem rolling over and going back to bed. But last night, I couldn’t. I was drowsy, though. Ok, let’s be real. I was solidly disoriented. It was better than laying wide awake in bed for hours, but I dozed in and out for what felt like forever. I believe I got up to pee four times, which is NOT common. I just could not get back to sleep.

Until I did, obviously, and I have no idea when it happened, but I was zonked. I don’t remember Brady leaving for work, or hearing the kids at all. I was toast.

Needless to stay, I woke up pretty hard and had a difficult time dragging my sorry butt out of bed. But, it happened, after a while. The kids were happy and friendly, and the big kids got breakfast all set up so all I had to do was pour the milk. Once I had zombied my way through that, I went to microwave my morning coffee. I was in desperate need of a pick me up. I took my nausea meds and sipped my coffee a bit.

And of all days for my coffee not to sit well, today ended up being the day. I could’ve cried, honestly. While I sat still and drank my coffee so slowly, my gag reflex fought back hard. So I didn’t barf, but clearly, I lost the fight. I could barely manage to eat anything in the morning, and I was really shaky because of it. I finally found something I could eat without heaving – cinnamon toast crunch – and ever so slowly, I stopped shaking, and seemed to level off a bit. Who knew the answer would be pure sugar? Lol!

Thank goodness, Brady is anticipating being home sooner than later. Its always such a treat when a house finishes up faster than anticipated! Until then, though, I’m going to lay still on this recliner, shamelessly, while my little ones sleep and my big ones watch Charlie Brown again.

The Grad Curcuit

Last year, my interest in makeup application was growing immensely, and my skill was improving more than I had ever really expected. Looking back now, I don’t know why I was so nervous to take the Makeup Artistry course I did, but I’m so thankful that I did! It taught me some more “correct” application techniques and a lot of general rules that I didn’t know. Basically, makeup theory. I’m so thankful I learned all of that. Face shapes, the color wheel, how to choose the right foundation, all of the little but important details! However, the biggest thing that I learned from the course was that makeup is artistry. Its more than just rules, and its a place to be creative! I learned that, despite the trends and styles floating around, you do what you want to do, and be confident in it. That was the best lesson, because I really did gain confidence. I wear last years eyebrows proudly, haha! And I highlight my chin even though its pointy. Honestly, I highlight it because its pointy, and I like it that way!

When I took this course, we were encouraged to think ahead and consider where we wanted to end up, and how this course was going to help. Where was it going to get me? The other girls wanted to work in salons, or sell makeup with some education under their belt. I was the only one without a big direction in mind. I said I just really loved playing with makeup, and wanted to be a go-to for people in my town, whether for a party, a date, just for fun, some time away from home, etc. I remember saying “Maybe when I’m really confident, I’ll try to get in on the grad circuit.”

That was last fall, and today, I made up two beautiful girls (and one of their lovely mamas) in preparation for their graduation ceremonies this evening!! I’ll admit that I was sweating up a storm by the end of it, but it happened, and it happened well! Everyone left happy and polished, and I felt confident as I sent them on their way. If I can be so bold, I think everything turned out very well! Success all around.

I’m SO thankful that people have been willing to put their trust in me in the last couple of months, and I’ve gained quite a bit more experience under my belt. I feel much more capable, and I think it showed today. I didn’t even feel very nervous! That says a lot. I truly enjoyed my work today 🙂

Now to go upstairs and do my eyes. With only the basics on, I’m feeling a tad underdone 😉

Yesterday Was Extra Fun

I had a brief moment of panic when WordPress congratulated me on my five years of blogging today. Did I get the date wrong??? But no, it was congratulating me for yesterday. Don’t ask me why. Better late than never, WordPress!

On top of that anniversary yesterday, the day itself was quite exciting! Firstly, it was Dekker’s last day of kindergarten!! While he’s  grown to really enjoy school, and make lots of friends, and learn a lot, he would always rather be at home 🙂 So he is thrilled that he has all summer off! Just for fun, here’s a side by side of Dekker’s first and last days of school.

He’s really loving the long hair, which I’m totally thrilled about 🙂 Looking great, Dekker!!

His siblings were also really happy to have him home for good 🙂 We had talked about it a lot so everyone was excited when it finally happened.

Ok, let’s be honest. Laela wasn’t quite as pumped. But Rowan was!

It was adorable.

While that part of the day was very exciting and happy, the evening promised to be even better!! My parents came around 6:00, and our friends arrived to pick Brady and I up to go on a double date! We go on dates so rarely, and double dates are even less often. But there was NO way around this one!!

Walk Off the Earth was in town!!!

Of course I have absolutely no pictures or videos of the show, because it was just way too entertaining and I didn’t want to miss a thing. It seemed to be over so fast, even though we stood in a crowd of people the entire time, and that wears on a body! Seriously though, any hype you may or may not have heard about how amazing that show was is ALL TRUE. I can’t imagine a single person being disappointed with anything about the show. How Sarah Blackwell can sing with such power behind it when she is that pregnant is really saying something!! I feel like her lung capacity would have to be smaller than average at this point, but you would never have known!! They are all so very talented.

Bonus of the night: We took a really good selfie!! When does everyone in a group selfie actually look good??

Bonus bonus: On the way back to our vehicle, we saw a ton of baby bunnies!! Tiny little grey fluffy things just racing around the parking lot! They were super sweet!! Oh, and bonus bonus bonus, the parking lot’s ticket dispenser was out of order, so free parking super close to the concert!!


It was a real winner of a day, honestly. My parents fed the kids and put them to bed, so I know the littles had a good evening as well 🙂 Seems like it was happy all around! I hope you all had happy days as well.


I can’t say I ever thought I’d make it to this point, but today marks FIVE YEARS since I began “The Daily Hailey!”

When I started my blog up, I made a point not to look too far ahead. Posting daily was a pretty sizeable undertaking, and I didn’t know how long I’d last. But five years later, its simply part of my routine, and only getting easier, honestly. I like my blog more now, and I enjoy putting a bit more planning into it, and writing more intentionally. I want to record memories here, but I also want you who read to be at least semi-entertained from time to time. I feel like my writing has changed a bit over time, but hopefully in a good way. This blog has been nothing but GOOD for me.

I’ve learned the value of being open with people, and that while you can never please everyone, there is a way to politely co-exist and support each other, even if you’re not 100% on the same page. I’ve learned a LOT in the last year, and I hope at least some of you have seen a bit of a shift here. Its been a big year. I’m so thankful to have had so many of you guys along for the ride.

Just to continue along with my keeping of record, I feel like I should note that I make ZERO income from this blog, hahaha! I have no idea how people monetize blogs 🤷‍♀️ Lol! I’ve tried to look into it but as far as I can see, its WAY easier to make money off of a blog in the states than it is in Canada. So I’ll continue to not worry about that and just go what I enjoy doing, which is writing in my grossly imperfect casual way. Maybe if I tried to be a bigger deal, I’d have to write more formally, which I am suuuper no good at, as this very sentence displays. 😂 I hope everyone can handle my run on sentences, and sentence fragments. And starting sentences with conjunctions 😉 See what I did there?

I don’t want to toot my own horn, but I am SO happy that I made it this far with the blog!! I never would have thought I’d blog daily for FIVE WHOLE YEARS! If I made it this many years, I have no idea when I’ll actually stop writing it. I love a good round number, and the next one is five years away, so…..

Thank you all SO MUCH for being loyal readers and friends and supporters of our family. I’m constantly blown away by how many people I’ve connected with (or reconnected with) through this blog. It started as an outlet for me to feel like I was getting some adult conversation (even if it was with myself) when I was at home with my one baby boy. Its grown into a place for me to learn and grow and ask questions and debate things out. I’ve made friends and, to be fair, lost a couple. I’ve been able to reach out and at least try to help others, and many people have reached out in support of our family as well. So much has happened in the last five years, and while there have definitely been hurdles, I’m so glad I have it all on record.

Five years, guys!! Thats a LONG time!! Who’s in for the next five? ✋

Last Time We Tried to Name a Baby

This morning, over breakfast, Dekker started talking about what we should name this baby. His favorite topic when it comes to baby talk. It never goes too far, though. Since he doesn’t know a ton of different names, he doesn’t have a lot of suggestions to offer.

Except today, he threw one out there. “How about Beaver,” he said. “Isn’t that a beautiful name?”

I had a good laugh to myself (and also to a number of people who I texted it to) but eventually, I told him that I simply loved that he was clearly thinking about names a lot, and that I was happy he was making suggestions. Keep them coming, bud, because we are most definitely not naming the baby “Beaver.”

It reminded me of the last time we tried to name a baby. It was in the three-ish weeks after we told the kids about Theo, but before we knew he wasn’t coming to stay. I was sitting in the living room, reading through literally every single name in a baby book, throwing out anything I even remotely liked, hadn’t heard before, or thought was worth a laugh. Brady was in the kitchen, pulling out some chicken for supper. The kids were running around us, playing in the living room and coloring in the dining room. It was a relaxed afternoon. The conversation went on for quite a while, until finally Dekker politely interrupted it to ask why Brady and I were naming the chicken. We had a HUGE laugh, and explained to him that we were trying to come up with a name for the baby in my tummy. That seemed to make a lot more sense to him, and he went back to coloring. But seriously 😂 How confusing must that have been for him?

We settled on Theo’s name after we lost him. I struggled hard with knowing what to call him, since we had no top contender boys name at all yet, and nothing had naturally come to mind. We finally settled on Theo. “God’s gift.” He really was. I wish Theo could have stayed with us and joined our family in a more tangible way. But I am thankful that he was with us as long as he was. I learned a lot from suffering through our miscarriage, and the loss we suffered. I learned that grief and peace can be in the same place together. I also learned more about how I want my family to look and grow. Many of my perspectives have changed, and for that, I’m so thankful I had the chance to carry Theo when I did, even though he didn’t end up being able to stay. Better to have loved and lost, right?

It has been good to think about him today. I don’t anticipate I’ll ever just feel ok about losing him, but healing continues. To God be the glory, always!

Thanks for Stopping By!

It was nice to see so many of you read the first entry in my blog series! Please don’t hesitate to ask questions along the way or message me with ideas or even criticisms. I can take it 😉 I want you guys to enjoy reading along as much as I enjoy writing it all down.

We had a very full afternoon and evening with family yesterday, and opted to have a home day today. We got the kids up after a nice deep sleep and got set up for a waffle feed. It hadn’t even crossed my mind, but I quickly hopped on the phone and called my parents to invite them. They had already had breakfast, but we decided to just shift our plans a little bit and pushed waffles to lunchtime rather. It worked out really really well.

I’ve been feeling decently healthy so far this morning, so I’ve put through a couple loads of laundry and even managed to eat a nice big lunch with everyone. This time around, while I’m definitely more nauseated than usual, I’m more likely able to eat sweet things rather than salty, which made waffles a safe bet. My parents also offered to bring a container of strawberries with them. Brady fried up some bacon and put coffee on. It was a really really yummy lunch.

Now, my parents have headed home, our little boys are sleeping, and the big kids are watching the Charlie Brown movie, which they are weirdly enthralled with recently. They have never had a movie that they wanted to watch every single day until this movie, but they just love this one! Its actually a pretty perfect afternoon. Nice and quiet and relaxed. My body is tired, and there’s a big week ahead! A great week, don’t get me wrong! I’m so excited about all of it 🙂 But it’ll be busy, and I need some rest to get through it well.

Enjoy the last day of your weekend! LAST WEEK OF SCHOOL BEFORE SUMMER!

Expecting the Best: 8 Weeks

Welcome to my first ever blog series!! I’m pretty excited about it. Part of me really wants to doubt myself and believe that I won’t follow through with it, but heck, I’ve been blogging for just shy of five years and haven’t missed one yet, so I’m hopeful it’ll be fine 😉 I went back and forth on names for the series, trying to play off the names of the days of the week. Fertile Friday. Sunday Bun-day. Stuff like that. While those were witty, I like the title I settled on better. Expecting the Best. Because I really am. I desire very much to stay positive as I go forward into another pregnancy.

Each Saturday, I’ll post about the past week, and likely answer the same questions. There will obviously be some flow and change in that, as some weeks will likely be more eventful than others. I’m also thinking that I might do a full week of gender predicting wive’s tales later on, just for fun. I always love those videos on YouTube, sod hopefully a photo blog post is almost as fun.

Without further ado, I’ll kick off with the questions for my seventh week of pregnancy!

Comparison/size: Being 8 weeks on the money, baby’s size is compared to a little square Lego brick. As in the one with four nubbins. Though apparently my uterus is the size of a grapefruit!! I have no bump to show for it (save for the super bloating that just kicked off this week) so I’m not sure where that grapefruit is tucked, but I’m glad its in there!

How am I feeling mentally: I feel ok. Better than I thought I would, honestly. I’ll go for another ultrasound soon, though. We didn’t find out Theo had passed away until around 11 weeks, but he passed at 8 weeks. I can’t help but wonder if I would’ve seen his heartbeat had we had an early ultrasound that time around. So call me crazy, but I feel a very real need to see his beating heart again after that 8 week mark. I have the most understanding doctor. She gets it. I’ll say again, though, my mental health is in better shape than I thought it would be. I don’t spend all day expecting my baby to die. I’m happy and excited, and while anxiety is present, its decent far back in there, and peace is further ahead.

How am I feeling physically: I feel sicker than I’ve ever felt in pregnancy! For the first time, I am actively taking the full doses of nausea medication that was offered to me. Could I get by without it? Sure. But the constant sick feeling is so so hard, and even on medication, I gag and dry heave often. There. I just did it, because I’m talking about it. It doesn’t take much. Not too much specifically sets it off, thankfully. Brewing coffee is probably the worst. Eggs are a close second. But everything else is fine. I’m a picky eater at the moment, but haven’t barfed yet! *knocks on wood* Beyond nausea, I’m pretty sure my boobs are trying to kill me. If they’re going to grow, I wish they just would, and then be done with it! But I’ll leave it at that. Oh, and I have the shakes. It comes and goes, and I don’t much care for it. That one is completely new to me. I’ve never been so shaky in any other pregnancy.

Any appointments recently?: I had one prenatal a while back. It was pretty uneventful. My doctor wasn’t available, but we actually were able to see the student doctor that had been through our pregnancy with Solly with us! It was a reassuring appointment. I’m really looking forward to more along the way. I know that sounds silly. Most people hate going to the doctor, especially so regularly during a pregnancy, but I really like it. I like my doctor, I like being able to ask my questions and talk about my emotions with her. I always leave feeling excited and uplifted. Another three weeks or so until my next appt.

Buys/Wish List: I have practiced restraint so far! No baby buys yet at all!! Though I could, easily!! Haha! If we’re being real here, I pretty much exclusively wear maternity clothes all the time now. I never even really try between pregnancies to get into regular clothes. Maternity clothes, specifically jeans, are WAY comfier. But my nicest pair of dark jeans got a snag in them 🙁 So I’m keeping my eyes open for a good sale at the Gap, because I have my eye on a pair there that will replace those ones and feel oh so nice! So thats probably at the top of the list, but I’m not in any rush, being that its summer…

How are the other kids feeling about the whole thing?: The kids are stoked 🙂 They talk a lot about the baby in my tummy. They often speculate whether its a boy or a girl, and the most common conversation they start is about naming the baby. Their top contender is “Lovey.” Which is just about the most adorable idea ever. I’m totally on board. Their second option is “Rowan.” I tell them we already have a Rowan, but they argue back that they like Rowan, so they want another. I get where they’re coming from.

The BEST thing about being pregnant this week: I can safely say that my favourite part of being pregnant this week was getting to share the news with you guys!!! If you didn’t notice, I didn’t put an actual announcement on Facebook, but just on the blog. I’m 100% comfortable with people finding out; I’m not at all hoping to keep it a secret. But this way, you loyal blog readers found out first, and other people are finding out gradually, which I’m kind of enjoying! Almost every day, someone has either commented or messaged me excitedly about it, and I’ve gotten to gush and celebrate all over again. Its so nice 🙂 I’ve enjoyed SO MUCH the support you’ve all offered our family as we navigate through all of the emotions of another journey through pregnancy! We are SO fortunate and happy and blessed, but also very nervous and anxious. There is a lot to process and take in, and I haven’t been made to feel silly or petty or judged. Not even once. THAT has felt like the best part of this last week for me, hands down.

Anything else?: Mmmmm…not off the top of my head. Anything else you guys want to know?

Pictures: Bear with me here, haha! I took a “belly picture” quite quickly after getting a positive test. Its not great, but it was an attempt at being positive, anticipating a successful pregnancy, and wanting to track my size from the very beginning. It was a bit of a shocker to see my body this way, since I had showed by 8 weeks with Theo, and in this picture right around 4 weeks, there was no bump to see. It was a bit sad. But, nonetheless, here is my freshly pregnant picture.

And now, four weeks later, its not a lot different, but I am definitely bloated! Haha! Its not as though anyone would see me and guess I’m pregnant, but something is definitely brewing in there!

Hahaha! Looking at them like this now, I just look a little thicker. Lol! I’m happy with it 🙂 I just hope I keep growing and changing because the baby keeps growing. This is some weird deja vu that I don’t much care for, but I’m trying to embrace it and keep rolling. I’m thankful for every moment I get to be pregnant.

Alright, guys, I think thats it for my first chapter of my first series! Did I miss anything? Do you have any other questions? Anything you’d like to hear about in the future? Feel free to ask, public or private doesn’t matter. I’m really excited to keep record of this pregnancy this way 🙂 I know there will be some repetition because inevitably I’ll talk about at least some of these things during the other days of the week, but I’ll try to keep the overlap to a minimum.

Enjoy your Saturday! I’m looking forward to hopefully a bit more sun and a bit less wind than usual. We can trust the Saskatchewan weather forecast. I mean, they’re basically always right!! 😉

Nesting: Early or Late?

A strange thing happened this morning.

While the kids were eating breakfast, Rowan managed to drop his cup into his cereal. Being that it was the end of the box, all of the pieces were tiny, and it made a HUGE mess. I managed to scoop up what fell on his high chair tray and his lap, but the floor was a disaster. Whatever. Small people eating often results in a mess on the floor. Nothing new. But it happened twice. Twice. So it was impossible to save.

Floors are my least favorite thing to clean. No matter how much you sweep and sweep and sweep, there is always more to find. I can never stand back and feel like its perfect. Its always still messy and dirty. I just hate sweeping the floor. However, lots of you have seen in the past that we bought a cheap little vacuum that Dekker loves to use! So he often offers to vacuum the floor for me, and again, while he doesn’t usually get everything, any amount of clean is better than none, and I’m SO grateful for him and his love of helping!

This morning, seeing SO much cereal on the floor, I got a very real itch to clean it. Not because the mess was bugging me, but I just neeeeeded to clean it. Once I came to that realization, I looked around and saw so much more work that neeeeeded to be done. Our dishes were stacked tall. The stovetop was a mess from something or other boiling over the other day. The high chairs were loaded down with cereal. The island was so so sticky. There was so much to do, and for some reason, I was hit with a serious cleaning bug.

When the little boys were done breakfast, I tipped their chairs over and cereal poured all over the floor. I didn’t even care. I swept the rest of the mess off the table and began pulling the chairs out from under the table. Dekker instantly jumped up in excitement and asked to vacuum. I told him he could, and he rushed off to the closet to get it. I got all of the chairs out and Dekker began his task. I started doing the dishes and cleaning the kitchen up. He and I worked together, and it felt great. He’d peek at me from under the table and I’d smooch him when he’s come to the side of dining room that was closer to me. It was such good teamwork. We were both happy and working.

I realized as we were working that what I was feeling felt very much like nesting. Cleaning and preparing for a baby. And then I felt silly, because I’m not even very far along. Nesting at this stage of the game doesn’t make any sense. And then I felt even more silly, and maybe even just dumb.

I was due with Theo at the very end of July/beginning of August. I never nested for him. I didn’t have the chance.

I wonder if my body is confused. My hormones are in baby mode. My heart and emotions are SO ready for a baby. But obviously, my body isn’t ready to have a baby. At least I really, really hope it isn’t.

I have no idea if thats whats happening; that I’m nesting late for Theo, or early for the little papoose. Maybe I’m just not feeling as sick today so I’m more energetic. Maybe there is zero explanation beyond stuff needed doing and I’m an adult so I decided to do it. But it was a strange reminder.

I admit that thinking about Theo kind of halted my motivation. I finished the load of dishes I was doing, and put the chairs back under the table. Dekker finished vacuuming and put it away for me. I stacked up the rest of the dishes beside the sink and wiped down what I could. Then I snuck Dekker away and he and I sat in the pantry and ate Bear Paws together.

I’m still calling it a positive, successful, enjoyable morning. Some things got done. I got to once again witness my son’s amazing, generous heart, and reward him for it with a little secret date. I felt productive for the first time in a few weeks. And I was reminded that I can successfully miss my precious Theo while anticipating the little papoose, with neither being overshadowed by the other. I wondered how that would feel, and I’m actually relieved at how its turned out.

Today will continue to be great.

Sleeping with the Wind

I don’t know about you guys, but my kids sleep so much longer in weather like this. Its grey, and windy, and sort of spitting/threatening to rain all day long. The sounds are very effective white noise, and that paired with the absence of the sun beaming through the cracks between their curtains let’s them soak up the slumber just that much longer. I got Laela up shortly before 10:00am and the boys were closer to 11:00am!! It was such a beautiful, quiet morning.

I was fortunate to be able to spend it with my mom. We sat in the living room with our feet up, chatting our alone time away. She is such an encourager, and we feel the same about SO many things. It is so easy to talk with my mom and lose track of time. We have a pretty special thing, she and I.

Eventually, the kids began to lull. Laela ate breakfast for what felt like forever at the table, and Solly was next, eating Cheerios like a ravenous little beast who had never ever been fed. Rowan was the last to wake up and was MUCH more interested in playing toys that he was in eating. I figured it was close enough to lunchtime that he would survive, so I let him. Grandma read story after story to them, and I took a quick phone call and chatted with Brady while he took a quick lunch break.

Brady’s day got a bit disjointed, and while he got lots done, he ended up figuring out that he’d be leaving nice and early. So he’s currently on his way home, and we’re going to load the kids up, pick up Dekker from school, and do a family grocery shop. I know its strange how much they love a good grocery shop, but they all really do! Haha! So thats a winning outing for our family 🙂

Once we made this plan, I got a bit worried about naps. Our little boys are SO dependant on their sleep still. Even Rowan, at age 2.5, cannot miss a nap without being a pretty hot mess by the end of the day. As in he’ll cry and cry “Naaaaap!” He knows what he needs. Yet I was in a bind, because he only woke up around 11:00! What could I do?! So I just waited to see what would happen, and I prepared him lunch for around 12:30. He ate it happily, and asked for more. Once I had him all the way done, he asked to get down from his high chairs. I said he could, and suggested a nap.

“Ummmmm…yup. Nap.” And he reached out for me.

Don’t ask me why, but he was ready for a nap after being up only two hours. Not in the way that he was melting down and neeeeeded a nap, but right in that sweet spot where he was happy to go down.

So I put him down in bed, and he didn’t make a sound. He often messes around in there for a bit, sings to himself, he usually takes that as his opportunity to poop, etc. Lol! But not today. He just lay quietly and fell asleep. And I’m pretty sure I can thank the wind for that. Not in the mystical, Pocahontas “paint with all the colors of the wind” kind of way. But I’m POSITIVE its playing a role in him sleeping so well! Solly also went with after his lunch without any real effort.

The only thing that could mess up nap time would be if the deck chairs and such blows around too much more. They’re SO loud, sliding around out there, but even when they’re all plastered to one side of the deck, they still manage to move around with the wind. I have no idea how else to move them so they don’t, and I’m not willing to make a bunch of trips to and from my garage to store them inside. So hopefully, for the next half hour or so, they don’t move too much, and Ro and Solly can keep sleeping. They’re got to be rested in order to enjoy our little outing this afternoon!

I hope you’re all enjoying this windy day like I am 🙂 I don’t usually feel this optimistic on grey days.

Making Trying to Conceive Fun Again

Before you even go there, I want to clarify that I’m not going there. This post is not about sex. Not even at all. I want to focus on a completely separate part of trying to conceive. So don’t be afraid to read on.

I want to share a bit of backstory first.

When we decided to try for a baby the very first time, it was all so new and exciting! Being totally ignorant to the process, I bought tons of pregnancy tests and tested as soon as the test said I could maaaybe get a positive result. Six days before my expected period. So I tested for six days and got my period. Even though that was the first month we had ever intentionally tried to conceive, I was very sad that it didn’t work. Its a bit of a mind game, honestly. I told myself “We did the right things at the right time. What could we possibly have done differently?” We were SO fortunate to conceive on the very next cycle, and suffered zero heartache in the process. What did we know.

We decided only a few months after Dekker was born that we wanted to try again. I don’t think too many of you know that. We tried for Laela for over a year. Now I KNOW that people try longer, and I don’t claim to understand that exact feeling, but it was an enormous whirlwind of emotions. From frustration to devastation to confusion to screaming to total and utter indifference. By the end of it, I was completely numb to the process. All the anticipation was gone. All the romance was gone. It was a pretty awful year, if I’m being honest. After about eight months of trying, I quit testing. I couldn’t put myself through the emotional wringer anymore. And then we conceived our little Laela! And life kept moving.

A lot changed in that year we spent trying to conceive Laela. A lot. I changed a lot as a person, and that was probably the point in my life where my anxiety kicked off. It was a very very difficult year. My heart aches for you, my dear friends, who have been trying to conceive for years. I can only imagine how much your life has changed. For that, I am SO sorry. I don’t even know what to say, really.

With our experience trying to conceive Laela, I lost my excitement in the process. While I very much desired more kids, and was happy to be trying to conceive, there was very little positivity or anticipation. I was quite pessimistic. Though I was merely trying to be realistic, and to be prepared, I was just waiting to be shot down. It wasn’t a fun way to live. We conceived Rowan, and Solly, and Theo.

As you know, we lost Theo in my first trimester. We then waited a couple of cycles for my body and our hearts to do some healing, and felt ready to try and conceive again once the cycles has passed. But as you can assume, I was a downer. I was negative and not very hopeful. Even more so this time, having just lost a baby. What if some freak thing had happened, and I couldn’t conceive again? What if we had another year of struggle? What about all of the time we lost?!

With all of this in mind, I did something a bit crazy. Crazy for me, anyway. I decided to risk the emotional rollercoaster, and open myself back up to the innocence of a first time TTC-er. I bought a ton of tests and tested early in the month. I let myself think every little feeling was a symptom, and to work myself up about maaaybe being pregnant. And then, when I’d get my period, I would get hit hard. Because I had anticipated and gotten excited and treated myself like I was already pregnant. I let myself get attached to the idea each month, and in all honesty, it hurt so badly on the months where it didn’t happen for us.

BUT! It did happen. And when it did, I felt more excited than I had when I had conceived the last time. I cried, and squealed, and took pictures of my test as it got darker and darker and darker. I took more tests to back it up. I did all of the things I did when I was new and naive and completely unaware of the heartache of how hard it can be to try to conceive. It felt amazing.

I hate to always have to have a disclaimer, but as always, I am NOT suggesting everyone do what I did. I very much understand the need to protect your own heart and try to forget about things and let life keep moving. But I had done enough of that. This change was GOOD for me! I’m SO glad I opened myself back up to the risk of being hurt, because the excitement I felt from taking that risk was completely worth the hard fall I took on the months that we didn’t conceive.

This all being said, I found a couple of fun resources along the way that are completely new to me, and I thought they would be fun to share for those of you who are trying to conceive!

The first one is an app called Pregnancy Test Checker. Now I’m not sure why or how, but I got this app so recently and it was free, but now it costs :/ But its a cheapie. Anyway, it is SO good for those of us who take pictures of pregnancy tests and want to invert the colors, lighten or darker, etc. I don’t know how to mess around with my iPhoto settings to make it happen, but this app does it with the click of a button, so to speak. I loved it!! If you’re actively TTC or are taking regular pregnancy tests, I’d recommend it!

The second resource I found that makes testing fun is a website called Countdown to Pregnancy. I know, there are SO MANY websites that you can sign up, and I don’t really like making different accounts all over the place. However, this site has a pregnancy test gallery where people post pictures of their tests, and other members can weigh in with their opinions of the result. When I found that, I was just thrilled. Not because their opinions had any science behind them, but because I wasn’t the only person wishing to have other people’s guesses without telling everyone that they’re trying to conceive! It was a really fun resource for me.

I feel like this is a strange post, but I’ve been feeling like its important for me to write. I wanted to put some excitement and joy back into trying to conceive, and at least for me, it worked. I hope I made sense. I hope I didn’t say anything wrong. I hope you check out the app and site, if they’re at all relevant to you.

And I hope you have a lovely, albeit windy Wednesday afternoon.