I was feeling a bit stronger this morning, and I talked to Brady about making a short trip into the city. I figured the shaved side of my head could use a retouch, plus we could buy the couple of things we don’t yet have for Dekker’s upcoming year of school. Just a small, pressure-free trip. I psyched myself up to call the salon about a short hair appointment, and it turned out, my girl isn’t in today. No problem, I’ll just get in touch with her another day. But I hung up the call and cried. I am so easily drained and disappointed these days. So as you can probably guess, we didn’t end up going in.
Instead of going out, I tried to take a rest in my room, but that changed for the better, actually. Brady recently got an idea in his head of how we could move our room around. Right now, some change feels good, so I supported the idea. While I lay on the bed, Brady moved around the brackets on our curtain rod and replaced our curtains with prettier ones I bought off of Facebook. He then dragged our headboard and bed around (while I lay on it) and moved it to a different wall, vacuuming underneath everything as he went. The whole time this was going on, the kids played around our feet, hid in the closet, teased Solly with blankets, and scattered the floor with toys. Rowan brought me the stuffed toys that usually sit on my dresser in honour of the little boys we lost, and I could lay contentedly on the bed, snuggling the soft little stuffies while watching my beautiful children run and play and giggle. It was pretty lovely, honestly. A nice moment in a weirdly unreasonably exhausting morning.
Since then, Brady has vacuumed the whole house, and done a bunch of dishes. We have received hot suppers every night this week, and we have our last official planned supper arriving tonight. What an amazing gift, right? We are SO fortunate in SO many ways.
Brady is taking the big kids outside for a little bit, and the little boys are napping. I’m tucked into my bed now, doing a bit of research, and trying to organize my life. Its all so up in the air, and I feel so foggy and uncertain. These breaks are part of what’s keeping me alive right now. And currently, my break is in my nicely rearranged room 🙂 A small victory of sorts.