Expecting the Best: Wrapping it Up

I always figured I’d follow this series at least one post into postpartum. I never expected it to be this soon, but here we are, four days postpartum, and I’m feeling the need to get it over with. Time to wrap up the series I truly loved putting together every week. It helped me remember to celebrate every moment of my pregnancy, and to be thankful each and every day I was able to carry my baby. Again, I never thought it would end so soon. But I figure most of the questions are still relevant, and some of them are things that I imagine some people do want to know but are maybe afraid to ask. So I hope this is ok for all of you. I don’t want people to tip toe around me. You can ask anything. I want to talk about it. Its just time to close the series up.

Deep breaths. And go.

Size/Comparison: Well I can tell you definitively that my baby was the size of the palm of my hand. He fit in there just perfectly. I will only compare him to a tiny little baby, because that is exactly what he looked like. He had a full face and a full torso, with skinny little legs and arms. Not too skinny to get footprints off of his little feet, though.

How am I feeling mentally: This is really the big question. Though I should’ve went with “emotionally” over “mentally” when I started this whole thing. Anyway, how am I feeling. I’m grieving, very very hard. The waters are deep. I don’t know how to convey my level of mourning so you’re just going to have to trust me on that. I feel fear, also. I’m scared to think maybe we can never do this again. I’m scared to think of trying to do this again. I’m scared of pain. I’m scared of being numb. That is the last thing I want. On a few levels, I feel pretty level headed. But mostly I feel foggy, and like opening my eyes is a chore. I’m not being dramatic. I’ve never felt this way before. I hope to never feel this way again.

How am I feeling physically: Do you guys want to know this stuff? Feel free to skip around if you don’t. Physically, I feel almost normal. Its a relief, and also awful. I have had almost no physical pain. Maybe a couple brief cramps each day. Doesn’t even touch a basic menstrual cramp. Literally no pain. I’m hardly bleeding anymore. I have no baby bump left. Its all over. Its all gone. Part of me is truly upset that so quickly, my pregnancy just disappeared. But the other part of me is going through so much emotional pain that I will not intentionally wish more pain on myself. If that makes any sense. Beyond that, I’m sleeping decently, maybe 5-7 hours per night. And my temperature is super unstable. I go back and forth between sweating and freezing all day long. I wonder if I’m still in some level of shock.

Appointments: Well, I’ve had a lot of doctor/hospital/ultrasound time that I want to share here, and I’d like to do it soon, but its a lot of stories and needs it own post. But it will be shared eventually, because I want to remember how beautifully and sensitively we were taken care of. Its important. Instead of that, I’ll tell you about a phone call I had with my doctor yesterday. I didn’t know when I’d hear from her or see her next, since my follow up will all be done through an OB, but I happened to glance down at my phone during Dekker’s birthday party last night and saw my Dr. Guselle was calling. It was a 20 minute phone call, and it was actually really wonderful. You all know how much I love my doctor. A chunk of her phone call was to tell me that everything they had gotten back from my blood work so far looked normal, which is good and bad. I so badly want an answer but I also don’t want there to be a problem. You get it. But the bulk of the phone call was just seeing how I am. She inquired about everything. My physical and mental health were at the top of her list. My sleep. Brady’s health. How the kids were handling it. She let me gush about how beautiful my baby was, and seemed fascinated by the fact that we were given the chance to hold him, name him, care for him, and get some closure that way. When I told her we got footprints, she was SO surprised, and I told her I’d show her the picture next time I saw her 🙂 It was nice. She let me talk through a lot of things, and was patient when I broke and cried and had to take a breather. We talked about what the next few weeks will look like, where we’ll go from here, etc. I have an appointment booked in a few weeks with my new OB, and will have yet another whole blood workup a few weeks after that. Dr. Guselle was happy that I’ve already booked that appointment and made sure I’m comfortable and in the know about what the next steps are. She even made sure to tell me that, if I came out of an OB appointment feeling a little fuzzy on the details, that I should feel free to call her and she’ll go through all of the reports with me, so I don’t have to ever feel in the dark. I love her.

Baby Buys/Wish List: Ha. No. Nothing. I’m still waiting on one baby purchase that is on its way in the mail. I’m so sad I won’t get to use it. Maybe next time. As for a wish list, I wish for a lot of things. None of which I can have, but I sure want a lot of things.

How are the kids feeling: The kids. They are SO in tune with everything thats going on. And they are so peaceful and accepting. Sure, part of it might be because they are young and don’t understand the gravity of losing a sibling, or the timeline in which he was lost. More so, I like to believe that they know more about Heaven than I do, and that in that, they have found some peace and understanding. My kids definitely have a stronger faith than I do, which is amazing, and I’m so happy to see that. With this, the kids still actively pray for their little papoose, and I have no plans to stop them.

The BEST thing about being pregnant this week: Oh boy. I almost want to skip this one, but I do actually have an answer. The best thing about being pregnant in the last week was getting to deliver my baby myself, and to hold him and meet him. He wasn’t a figment of my imagination. He wasn’t hidden away in a blood clot. I don’t mean to be gross or rude, but seriously, he was born like a baby is born. My water broke, and his body rushed out. He was a whole little dude, and I am SO fortunate and grateful to have met him. While his birth was also a big low, it was also miraculous, and I’m happy I was given the opportunity to meet him. There was a touch more closure this way.

Anything else: I’m pretty much tapped out. I guess if I can be so bold, I’d like to say not to worry about us. We are coping. We are not letting ourselves slip into anything too deep or dark. We are grieving deeply, but we will be honest. If we are approaching a dangerously low place, we will reach out. So do not worry. Pray, or drop us a text. Check in. Ask about our baby! We are SO in love with him. Don’t be afraid of us if we cry, or when we cry. Its ok.

Pictures: Here are his little footprints 👣

Yes, thats white out. I’m sad to say his name was spelled wrong on his little memory card, but I wasn’t about to nitpick and lose those precious footprints. A simple typo. No issue with me.

I feel like this is such a sad, crappy way to wrap up my series 🙁 I really really loved doing a blog series. On one hand, I loved being so open so early in my pregnancy. It made me feel like I could just be honest and raw and I could have more information on record, as well. I loved being able to talk about it so early in the game. It brought healing. Now, however, the wound is bashed open once again, even worse than before, and I have no idea what comes next. Another pregnancy? Or is this it for us? Do I share early, or wait until we have movement and reassurance? But when are you ever in the safe zone? Something can always happen, and I can’t live like that, waiting for the worst. I named this series “Expecting the Best” for a reason. Thank goodness I don’t have to decide any of this anytime soon.

Lastly, I want to thank everyone who followed my series, and who have followed our family and our life so closely and so lovingly. I cannot imagine going through something like this in private, with no one reaching out and sorrowing with us. If you said to me that you cried, I believe you. If you said to me that you’ll pray, I’m trusting that you did, at least once. This has been an unbelievable time, and really, we’re only just a few days into it. Please don’t forget about us. And don’t forget about our baby. Heaven is brighter with him in it, but the world is sure missing out.