I started the day by attempting to shave my armpits with my toothbrush. It wasn’t the smoothest morning, clearly, (or the smoothest shave…) but the day moved forward. I got the kids up and brought everyone to school to drop Dekker off, which went fairly smoothly. The kids played pretty well, and were nice and hungry and ready for lunch when that time rolled around. They ate, and I ate, but I spilled lunch all down my shirt, which sucked. I hit a few small road blocks throughout the morning, but it was pretty ok. Thank goodness for a friend of mine, who picked me up a cold brew and stopped by for a short visit. Our chat passed the time so smoothly while I waited for Brady to get home. I really really appreciated the company.
My mom offered to come with me to my appointment, which was just perfect. While I didn’t exactly know what to expect from my appointment, I was going to see my OB for the first time since we found out about Jamin. It was a pretty heavy, complicated time those three-ish weeks ago, and I didn’t know what today would look like with her. After anticipating this appointment that entire time, I had grown nervous and antsy and ready to just get to it and see what would come of it, and learn what my next steps would be. I felt SO ready, but also vastly unprepared. It was such a gift to have my mom along, as she’d been to that same office in the past, and was familiar with where to go, where to park, etc. Once again, the company was exceptional. So we made our way there together and didn’t have to wait too terribly long before we got into an exam room. I expected to wait for a good hour, but it was less than ten minutes, easily.
Before my OB came in, I was handed one of those multiple choice tests to rate my mental health. Those kind of drive me bananas, because while I think its SO important to keep a close eye on mental health, especially after going through such a difficult time, I don’t like how that particular test works. Unless you’re fully happy 110% of time, you show up as either mildly depressed or anxious. I’m sure my take on it is a bit extreme, but they’ve not always been administered particularly well, so I may just have a skewed perspective. That all being said, when she did arrive in my exam room, she added it up quickly and said I was in the normal range, and set it aside. Perfect. Because I feel “normal.”
It wasn’t a very long appointment. She asked her few questions, gave me room to ask mine, and then we talked about the next steps. Some of the impressions I was under were wrong, and the timeline looks quite different than what I thought.
*** I’d like to throw in my usual disclaimer here and say that pleeeaaase, if you think you’d do something differently than we are, don’t argue with me over it. Please. Trust us, and respect our decision, even if they’re not for you. <3
My initial impression was that I would get a bunch of blood work done when I was 6 weeks postpartum, and that would reveal if I have a blood clotting disorder or not. That is a fairly easy condition to manage, so I’ve been rooting for that to actually show up in my blood work so we can remedy it and keep moving forward. Keep thinking about future babies. Give us something to fix, basically. Today, I learned that I could get my blood tested today already! I was SO excited and relieved to try and bump the process just that much further ahead. However, new information has come to pass. IF this blood clotting disorder does show up in my blood tests, we have to wait another three months and re-test to see if its still there. And if it is, then we go forward with the easy fix and we can try to conceive after that. For whatever reason, unlike standard blood work, these results take longer to get back. MUCH longer. If this clotting disorder that I’ve been rooting for shows up, and I have to go through the re-testing process, that will leave us waiting at least six months before we can even consider trying again.
Trust me. We’re not rushing. We’re not forgetting or ignoring our beautiful Jamin, or Theo. We’re not trying to erase what happened or replace the little boys we lost. But guys, we ache so badly for a baby. I know some of you can relate. We have anticipated TWO babies now, with no actual baby to show for it. I feel like I have been pregnant for a year, and I have nothing to show for it except two little teddies and a scary little box of ashes. To think that we can’t even consider trying to conceive for SIX MONTHS feels like an absolute eternity. My heart breaks just thinking this is even a possibility.
That possibility is easily the worst news from today, and its all hypothetical. I know this. Beyond that, we received a lot of positive news and plans for the future. But I’ll admit that I’m scared of what will come of my blood test. And the results are weeks away.
I want answers, but I don’t want that answer. I want a clear test. Please pray with me.