Believe it or not, after our amazing trip to the lake, I had a cry on the drive home. I’m sure part of it was just coming off of our trip, and my body and mind kind of letting down. But part of it was based around a fear I didn’t realize I had quite to this extent. I knew I was nervous, but as I put details together, I realized just how nervous.
Remember last year? Do you guys remember just how sick we were for just how long? It was months. Four months, I believe, with no break. Day after day after day of someone vomiting in the middle of the night, to fevers, to rashes, to more barfing, to pouring noses and dry coughs, to dehydration, and aaaaall the way back again. It was exhausting, to say the very least. It was unlike anything I had experienced before. Towards the end of those months, but still in them, I lost our baby. Another hit. The biggest hit. It felt like a beating that just wouldn’t end.
I had a pretty low time coming out of my miscarriage. Its not surprising. I own that low time. There was zero way around it. I mourned hard. Losing him completely pulled the rug out from under me. I haven’t ever gone into full details, but for the sake of this post, I will to a degree. From finding out my baby was lost to his actual delivery was a full week. I had to make the ugly choice to take medication to start “labour” and encourage him to come out of my body. I bled for weeks. It was an unbelievable time where I often went back and forth, wishing I had just asked for the dreaded d&c, to get the whole thing over and done with. But instead, I saw the physical effects of losing him for so so long. Then I waited out two cycles, which felt like torture, when I so desperately wanted to try for another baby. My cycles were abnormally long and painful and awful, and even my loving supportive husband would probably admit that I struggled very hard in those months. When the cycles has finally passed, we could try again. And it took a little while. Not as long as it takes many couples, I know, but it felt like an eternity. They were difficult months.
Now, here we are, pregnant and happy. The kids haven’t had an abundance of sicknesses for a little while, which is a relief. And we are fairly confident that the pregnancy is healthy and moving forward. That being said, I’ve been nauseous with my pregnancy for the last 2+ months, and juuust as I’m thinking the sickness might be lifting, I’m losing stability in my pelvis.
I’m not writing this to complain, for the record. I don’t want to whine. But I’m trying to just give you perspective of where I am and how I’m feeling.
I remember the pain of my past pregnancies. Solly’s was the worst. They’ve only hurt worse each time. With the beginnings of the pain returning so early on, I’m so so nervous. I have been a mess for so long. I don’t know how to convey it more literally. I’ve been a wreck on so many levels for so long, and now here we are, and it appears I won’t get even a small break between these struggles. I’ve never had morning sickness like this, and I’m so relieved to see it potentially wrapping up, but I’m so discouraged that my body is already starting to pop and hurt and complicate my daily life.
As I said, I had a cry about this all as we drove home, and my loving husband encouraged me that he believes I am giving 100% of what I am capable of, and that he’s thankful for that. He understands that pregnancy is a sacrifice. I HATE saying its a sacrifice because I know how many people struggle to have babies and can’t, and how many women would give just about anything to make that sacrifice. I don’t mean “sacrifice” as a bad thing. I am NOT ungrateful. I am THRILLED to be given the opportunity to have children, and I do NOT take it for granted. But it is a big job, and my body does pay. And its starting to wear on me in other ways, it seems. I’m so scared of whats to come. I don’t want to be useless to my family, but for those who haven’t experienced this pain, its nothing to sniff at. Its unreal. And those of you who know, then you know exactly what I’m talking about. How can one be useful when their legs cant hold up their body? When moving only makes the pain worse? When they can’t lift anything at all? I’m scared to be useless.
I felt a bit better having talked to Brady about this all yesterday, but it came to mind first this this morning. I called my physiotherapist’s office this morning to get an appointment, in an effort to keep my body in some kind of shape as long as humanly possible, and God worked a miracle! My amazing physiotherapist who is SO knowledgable in pregnancy, postpartum, and womens health, who regularly books weeks in advance, had a free spot on Monday morning!!! I jumped for it, and I already feel some drops of hope falling on me. Its early enough in the game that I can possibly hold off the worst of my pain for at least a little while longer. At the very very least.
In my last pregnancy, I didn’t use physio, and with all of our moving and renting, I wasn’t able to have those regular soaks that kept my body alive in the past. I have access to more helpful resources this time around, and I’m hoping and actively praying that I won’t have to fall apart this time. Feel free to join me in prayer on this. My nerves are shot, and I’m scared, and in pain. I don’t want this to be what ends my baby-having years.