The Daily Hailey

Last one guys, I promise, and then we’re back to present day thoughts!

*****

November 9

I spoke to my doctor about the ultrasound while driving to Winnipeg today. We agreed that my numbers and my scan don’t add up 100% but we also agreed not to panic. It was probably the first time I’ve hung up a phone call with her not feeling totally uplifted and hopeful, but rather a big discouraged. I thought, with 8000+ hcg, the ultrasound should show more :/ It was good to remember that, while she is the BEST family doctor I could EVER ask for, she is not an ultrasound tech or an OB. So perhaps she mainly knows the answers that are “by the book” in this area. Its a very important book to know, yet strangely I feel like so few of us follow said book.

November 10

Yikes these bruised elbow pits, though… 

Gross gross gross.

I want so badly to be rational but I feel like I could scream. I have so much boiling in my head and heart right now, and when something else hard gets shovelled on top, I just cannot handle it. I have too many other worries already. Where are my pregnancy symptoms? I need a milestone to anticipate! The age gap between my children is growing and growing! What if this baby dies too?? I cannot survive a third consecutive loss! Please, Lord, help me carry this baby to term!! I can’t handle another burden on my heart. It is already too heavy.

November 11

I met a woman today who commented on how perfect Rowans hair is. We began a conversation about our children, and being the classic oversharer, I told her about my lost babies this year and how its awkward to know I have more kids, but to not be able to say the real number, because its just too much for each and every stranger to know. She told me point blank that the way she tells it is that she has three children, but has been pregnant eight times. EIGHT!! We talked for a long time, and discovered we had so much in common, the ways of family, beliefs, faith, etc. Everything that actually matters. It was lovely and warm and a very necessary reminder that I know what is important, where my babies are, and that I BELIEVE in Jesus, and TRUST Him to give me the babies I’m supposed to have exactly when I’m supposed to have them. It was a refreshing conversation. I hope to be able to be that lady for other people down the road. <3

November 12

My mind is so full of so many overwhelming things. Will the baby die? WHEN will the baby die? Thats more so the question. Am I going to know? For all I know, it already has. Ugh. Now, add to that some other worries that are unrelated but hurt so badly. You just never know what someone has going on in their life. My mom always told me that when someone hurt me or wronged me or seemed to do something unjust. You never know whats going on their life. They might be going through something really difficult. I’m going to take that another direction and say that you NEVER know whats going on in someone’s life, so DO NOT add any anxiety or stress that doesn’t need to be there. Some of us don’t have the capacity for more. Even if the situations are completely unrelated, some of us are tapped out. I am tapped out. 

November 13

Had a BIG ole cry in the bathtub yesterday. I cried about my lost babies. I cried about the baby currently within me that I can’t help but feel fear about. I cried about my hurt feelings. I cried about the long drive home and how much Solly cried. I cried so long and so hard that Brady cried. But when it was all over, WOW did I feel better. Not all better, but cleansed. Detoxed almost. So many tears and so much sweat, and I could finally let down. I had been on the verge of crying for several days. It felt amazing.

November 14

I’m nauseous and weepy, but I’ve convinced myself I just didn’t take very good care of myself today. Why is it so hard to feel happy and hopeful? What is it about pessimism that feels so much safer? I hate that.

November 15

My boobs hurt today, and once again, I’m nauseous. I did eat, and it helped with the sick feeling momentarily, but I felt sick once again before the kids had even finished eating. Its so frustrating, and so symptomy, but I just don’t buy it. Hopefully I’ll know more tomorrow. And hopefully its good news. I’m getting more and more afraid that its going to change for the worse. I should’ve done more blood work this week, just so I was at least a little bit prepared if things go bad. But its too late for that now.

November 16

The baby’s heart is beating! I cried like a loser, but I really thought we were out again 😭 So many emotions. We went in and our tech greeted us warmly, as always. She led us to the back room and I lay down. I don’t usually have to be pee THAT bad, but it was feeling pretty urgent already. Thank goodness we were in 15 minutes early! Our tech is amazing, but even now that she knows us a bit better, she is very professional, and ALWAYS gets her info before giving me mine. Always. It drives me crazy, but I’ve come to expect it. As she gets the wand moving on my abdomen, she quietly whispered “Its grown” which was the best gift she could’ve given me in that moment. I just needed to know something. As she finished gathering her information, she went to find the baby’s heartbeat. She showed me the amniotic sac, and then the itty bitty baby. She was leaning towards the screen, squinting. She tried to get a heart rate but nothing would register. She zoomed in and out and couldn’t get it. She asked me to hold my breath in an effort to be more still. But I was so upset, starting to tear up and breathe hard. My heart was racing. I turned to Brady and apologized for what was about to happen. I told him that I was sorry we were out again. I was devastated. Finally my tech corrected me and said “Just look at the screen! Look closely!” And there it was. The TEENIEST little flicker I have ever seen; so small that I almost didn’t see it. I cried, and she passed me a kleenex. Only then could I calm down enough that she could get the heart rate on record. But WOW. What a rush. What a crazy thing. I’m so thrilled to see a heartbeat in my baby. Some of my first-timer ignorance is floating up and I think I’m going to let it. Let myself just be blindly excited, and not worry about what could be. I know there will continue to be anxiety throughout this pregnancy, so hopefully I can enjoy the excited moments as they come up. Today is an excited moment.

November 17

A doctor from Dr Guselle’s office called me this morning to confirm that I had seen the heartbeat and was satisfied with my ultrasound. I told her I had, and she said, kind of off the cuff “After seeing the heartbeat, your chances of miscarriage go down.” I actually laughed, which was awkward, and then I tried to save the conversation by saying that was true, and we had good odds, but considering my last situation, some of that magic has kind of worn off. She gave me some numbers to comfort me somehow, and I told her that I’ve been working hard to remind myself that what happened last time is not a common thing at all. The chance that I will suffer another later term loss is slim, and while I KNOW that to be true, I’ve also lived through it, and would be completely devastated to live through it again. Its hard to just not think about, just because numbers appear to be in our favor.

Dr Guselle just called! Apparently the doctor that called earlier just tried to help her out and take a message off her desk, but Dr Guselle said she stole her thunder, and that she wanted to speak to me herself about our successful ultrasound! I love her. We talked about the heart rate, and the fact that the baby measures exactly eight days bigger, eight days after the previous ultrasound. She even told me which ovary might ache a little bit because she could tell where implantation took place! We confirmed when my next scan is, and when I’m seeing my OB in the near future, laughed about how my OB’s name sounds like pastry, and about how unprepared she is for Christmas. Out of the blue, she goes on to say “Now when will I see you next? Twelve weeks sound ok?” I did not expect to see Dr. Guselle for quite some time, honestly. I knew I was supposed to go through an OB for a least a good chunk of my pregnancy, and I could transfer back to Dr. Guselle whenever we were “safe,” whatever that means. So I didn’t think I’d see her until we were maybe halfway through. However, she said she was hoping to see me at a time when we could hear the heartbeat together in the office 🙂 She VOLUNTEERED to come in on a day that she wasn’t scheduled in, between Christmas and New Years, so we could meet and hear the baby 💗 Even just writing that out makes me tear up. I just have the BEST medical team ever. The BEST. So, on the books currently, I have an appointment with my OB next week, where I’ll likely get an ultrasound, and then I have another scan the week after. I’m not sure about scans in December yet, but I know I have an appointment with my doctor to look forward to. I feel so cared for and loved, even though I know all of my health care providers are professional and likely are just amazing and treat all of their patients as well as they treat me. What amazing people they are.

November 18

So so sick. And SO worth it <3 Its hard to think about anything else. I can’t believe I’m pregnant. I had all of these “what ifs” in my mind and now I have to actually sort them out. Should we actually tell people right away here? That was the plan. I want people to know, but I also don’t want to announce it publicly and then lose the baby the very next day. Thats the biggest fear, really. Somehow feeling dumb because the baby died, even though no one would think I was dumb because of it. Just feeling foolish, maybe. Silly for hoping. I have to turn these thoughts around…

*****

As you can see, I did decide to tell you guys, and I’m glad I did 🙂 I saw my OB yesterday, and did have a scan. I’ll tell you all about it tomorrow. Thank you for consistently investing time and interest in our family.