Brady locked himself out of the house and his van this morning, so he had to call to me let him back into the house for keys. Therefore, I was wide awake at 6am. Having had a difficult day yesterday and anticipating a similar one today, I was very heavy-hearted and restless. My whole night had been the same. I had a fitful sleep filled with dreams and constantly waking up with braxton hicks contractions. It was a total bust.
Our day went better than yesterday but I am now exhausted. I’m going to completely cheat and post a note I wrote on Facbeook back from when Dekker was two months old as my post tonight. I struggle when Dekker struggles. I’m fighting an inner battle about putting my son through some pain for his own good. Will he resent me for bringing him to pain? Or can he comprehend that in the long run, I’m helping him feel better? Being a parent sucks ass sometimes.
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Oct 21, 2011
I’m a new mom, and leading up to this point I’ve heard lots of stories of what it would be like to be a mom and feelings I will feel or be expected to feel. I’ve feared that I wouldn’t feel those feelings and that I wouldn’t measure up to what everyone told me I would be like. Its been a journey already, and I’m only just about nine weeks in. I can honestly say I haven’t felt all the feelings I’ve been told I’d feel. I don’t cry every time Dekker cries (through diaper changes, the beginning of his bath, etc), I didn’t have horrible separation anxiety the first time I spent an evening away from him, things like that. But I got a serious taste of a mothers heart about a week ago.
Dekker got sick at about six weeks. He overcame it, but Brady and I got sick as well. Since we took our time getting better, Dekker caught round two. While this was going on, my son started peeing considerably less. Now maybe this seems silly to worry about, but its a very valid concern. This could mean anything from a bladder infection to kidney failure. So I observed it for about a day and ended up taking him to Royal University Hospital one night. A lovely nurse informed me he would need a catheter inserted to see if there was a blockage, and that Dekker would feel a lot of discomfort. I held his hand while he just screamed and the poor nurses fumbled with the tube saying not-so-reassuring things like “Was that resistance? I can’t tell, how far in does this thing go?” It was so scary for me, and for Dekker I’m sure. We got through it, and I got to feed and comfort him right after. However, about a half hour later, it was revealed that his catheter was unnecessary before but now that he had fed, he would need another one to see how much could be taken out of him. I can still see him in that moment. He was laid out on the bed, his upper body wrapped so tightly in his blanket so he wouldn’t flail his arms. His legs were pinned down and I was holding his soother in his mouth. He looked up and me and just smiled. So trusting. My heart broke as he suddenly jolted in pain and started screaming. My heart just breaks writing this, I remember it so vividly, and at the moment, it feels like I’ll never forget it.
At the end of our visit, we discovered that he had no infection, no failure, nothing scary. He had in fact grown 1.5 lbs in the past nine days and was also fighting a cold, so all his milk was used up in other areas of his body. I was so thankful to get him out of there safe and sound, and I know he still loves me.
I write about this because today Dekker got his two month shots. I knew we’d be ok since it would be nothing like our hospital experience. He was so good during the general check up, being weighed and measured, being put on his tummy on a cold counter, being undressed for longer than he usually prefers in general. He was relaxed and just cooed and smiled at the nurse, who seemed very taken with him. Considering the ordeal we had been through together just a week earlier, I opted to hold him for his shots. His first shot in his right leg made him cry but he recovered quickly. The second was not as nice, and stung him a lot more. No amount of soft talking or bell ringing could quiet his cry. Luckily it was time to eat anyway, and he slept for the next few hours.
I feel the need to write this out as I sit here and feed him his last meal of the evening. He’s very smiley, something that is less common in the evenings as that is his fussy time of the day. Something extra beautiful about my son is how much he loves to cuddle. He will always lovingly have a hand either in my armpit, cleavage, or wherever he can find some skin. Today he just prefers my arm. He just lay wide awake watching me, gently moving his hand around on my arm as if trying to comfort me, as I just can’t seem to stop whispering to him how sorry I am. Its nice to know he still loves me. I was made to feel earlier that I had put my son through some things that were unnecessary (the hospital visit) and I had a tough time wondering if I had caused him so much pain for no reason at all except for my own piece of mind. I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to advocate for Dekker as he can’t do the same for himself, so I have to pray about things and just trust my judgement. I’m glad I took him to the hospital, I’m glad I took him to get shots, and I’m glad he still loves me.
I know God loves all His children even more than I love Dekker (hard to believe) and if it hurts me this much to see Dekker hurt, it must be just excruciating for God to see us all in pain. However, the hard and painful things we go through are often for our own good, or there is a lesson involved. I need to remember that. God won’t give me, or Brady, or Dekker anything we can’t handle. Its nice to know we’ve got someone watching out for us.
