I got the kids up this morning like every other morning. I gave Dekker and Laela big hugs and they headed right out to set the table for breakfast. I hung back to change Rowan’s diaper. He and I were doddling a little bit, getting in some good face time and tickles when Laela showed up beside us.
Now, first, I have to say. Laela is SO gentle and sensitive these days. If a kid cries, she runs over and plays with them, even if it doesn’t work and they keep crying. She is the bringer of water bottles and kleenexes, and she will tell me if anyone needs anything that she herself can’t provide. Her latest switch has been her sensitivity towards me. She picks up on everything, and she will reach out and touch my hand or my face or my hair, and tell me she really loves me. Things like that. She is truly the best little girl I know.
So this morning, as I’m changing Rowan, she came up and put her hand on my shoulder. She whispered “Its all ready at the table.” She was whispering for Solly’s sake, as he was still sleeping. I thanked her for her work, and for staying so quiet. I moved most of my attention back to Ro waiting patiently on the floor, but she stayed put, so I wrapped an arm around her and snuggled my head into her. She hugged me back, and out of nowhere she asked “Are you still sad about the baby?” She caught me off guard, but I was very honest and told her that yes, I was still very sad about the baby. That I missed him a lot. She stroked my cheek at that point and nodded understandingly. She reassured me that she was sad too, and that it was “so essiting” that he was with baby Jesus.
In that moment, she looked so wise, and knew so much. I love the faith of children. Its amazing, and something I seek after for myself. A stronger, unwavering trust in God.
Suddenly, she furrowed her brow and told me her Elsa dolly had a baby that died, too.
This all on its own brought me close to tears, because that is NOT what playtime should be about. How has it become so normal in our house that she is actually pretending that her dollies are losing babies?! This might sound small, but it shook me up quite a bit. I asked her how Elsa was doing, and if she was sad. Laela perked up and told me that Anna had Elsa’s baby, so they weren’t as sad. I told her I didn’t understand, and she said “I don’t either.”
And just like that, my mature little threenager was back to being little, and confused by big, difficult, adult things. And really, thats best for now. We settled on the fact that having babies and babies dying is pretty sad and complicated, and we moved on with our day. But its stuck with me all morning and into the afternoon.
I’m not sure what to make of this, but it felt important to share. I’m already praying for my beautiful daughter and daughters in law, that they never have to experience this same pain I’ve experienced.