Yesterday Night and into the Morning

Jerilee came over last night to watch some Bachelor in Paradise. We are SO far behind! We love our weekly dates to watch our trashy tv and catch up in person on life and such. Its not as thought she and I don’t text ridiculous amounts through the week, but in person is just so much better. Thankfully, Pizza Hut has a great sale on right now, so we treated ourselves to a Pizza Hut supper. It had been a while since we last justified something like that. Brady called and placed the order, but they called him back shortly thereafter and said they were out of the pan crusts, and asked if we wanted homestyle instead. Brady told them that would be fine, as long as they were the same price. Good thing he threw that in there, because they were not going to cost the same at all. After a short debate, they agreed to give us our pizzas for the asme price with a stuffed crust!! We never get stuffed crust, so this was an extra treat for us. Win!!!

Brady drove for the pizza, and our wonderful neighbour from across the street walked over with a chocolate zucchini cake for our dessert! Score! We were officially set for a really delicious Bachelor night!

We got a bit of a later start to it, but it was a great evening of tv, food, and wonderful company. So many things have changed in the last ten years, but in another way, so little has changed 🙂 I love it.

We only watched one episode, because Jerilee had an early morning and some things to do still that night, so she went home and we went to bed a tad early.

This morning has been BUSY. We’ve just been home, but it was a morning of work. Solly has sized up significantly recently, meaning all of his shirts are short and his pants are really low. We dragged out some bins and grabbed a ton of stuff for Solly while packing up most of his current wardrobe. I’m actually kind of stoked because he’s just come upon a HUGE stack of fleecy sleepers, and its pretty much the right time/season for it! So everything for him is in the wash. Brady also lugged out tub after tub of outerwear and established what we have/still need for the kids for winter. Everyone is well set up except Rowan, but thanks to the season of stores giving out free money, we are well set up to order him new stuff in the next few days. Laela may grow out of her ski pants before the end of winter, but she’s fine for now. They all have well-fitting stuff for fall as well.

While its great to know that everyone is taken care of jacket/shoe wise, I found the morning to be particularly exhausting. The constant reminders for the kids to speak nicely to each other. The constant background noise of talking/singing toys. Solly wailing at the top of his lungs every time he’d see his daddy but was not being held by said daddy. Rowan screaming when his duplo didn’t click together on the first try. It was just a loud morning, and I’m embarrassed to say that I crumbled in the middle of it.

I love and appreciate those of you who think the best of me. I regularly get comments, messages, and texts telling me how strong I am. But guys, I feel so so weak. Like today. Really, no one was misbehaving, or being louder or scrappier than usual. Our life is just loud, and thats ok! We’re very used to it, and we love our active noise-making children! But today, I just couldn’t handle it. I was SO weak today. I was NOT strong. And thats hard to say, because I so badly want to be.

Its not been an easy day, and while I would love to write something fluffy and just blow past my difficult morning, these are the “joys” with posting every day. Every single day, regardless of what my life looks like. Don’t say I didn’t warn you! These are long, difficult days. Even the good ones are a struggle to get through. Because I post publicly, by choosing to read, you are being dragged through the mud with me and my family. I haven’t always been able to post something positive or exciting each day, and especially now, its so much harder to find those positives that you really have to look for, even on a good day.

Please continue to bear with me. I am a mess of sorrow, grief, and guilt all confused together with hope, passion, and love. And joy, I think. That used to be more prevalent, and its sort of petered out recently. I believe its still in there, but I maybe need to nurture that part a little bit more diligently. I can’t afford to lose such an important piece of myself.

Though I feel like I’ve lost a couple of things already this year that are far more important to me.