I’ve been feeling more beat than usual these past few days. Not unheard of at this stage of the game, obviously, but there’s been a noticeable shift. After bringing Laela to preschool this morning, I went to sit on the recliner in the living room and ended up dozing off. I would occasionally wake up to warm air on my face, and I’d open my eyes, only to be greeted by Solomon’s face directly in front of mine, staring at me, nose breathing onto my face. As soon as I’d open my eyes, he’s squeal or laugh or both. I never lasted long before closing my eyes again, but it became a very slow motion game of peekaboo. It was a hilarious (and consistent) wakeup call for quite a while.

I don’t know how long I slept that way, but eventually my alarm went off to notify me it was time to pick Laela up from preschool. Don’t judge me for setting an alarm, lol! I do it every preschool day, kids club evening, and anything outside of regular school hours. Because, these days, like most everything down, if its not written down or recorded somehow, it doesn’t exist. If I didn’t set an alarm, I’d probably forget to pick them up. No joke. Mom of the year award does not go to me in this case, lol!

I was a yawning mess at preschool pickup, but a few of the moms there know I’m pregnant, so there was no judgement. We all had a brief chat about just how tired/sick we were during which pregnancy, and boiled it down to the fact that building a human is just hard hard work.

Brady checked the pregnancy apps we follow today, in hopes of finding out why I was quite so wiped. Maybe its a bigger week than normal? But it doesn’t really seem to be. Baby is around the size of a square 2×2 Lego brick. Growing hair follicles, eyelids are fusing shut, etc. Nothing too crazy seems to be happening. Though the app did say the baby was moving around like crazy, and at our ultrasound earlier this week, there was no movement yet at all. Maybe thats just started and is exhausting my body?? I don’t know, but whatever is going on, I am wiped out. I’m writing this from my bed, where I will likely fall asleep again in the next half hour or so. Don’t let me forget to take my medication before I nap, though! I forgot it yesterday until mid-afternoon, and WOW did I regret it!

I’m SO thankful that everyone has already lost their marbles, meaning that they will ALL nap. Everyone, including me.

This morning, Facebook offered me my “on this day” memories while I was still in bed. I went to look through them, and ended up reading the short little blog entry I posted last year. Dekker had missed a day of school due to illness, and I talked about taking him to school the next day. He had cooperated with me, come to school no problem, but when I knelt down to hug him, he had locked eyes with me and said very quietly that he wanted to stay home. He had looked like he was going to cry. I had hugged him and pep talked him a little bit, and he understood that he had to stay. Luckily, that day had smoothed out well, because a couple of other kids were waiting to play with him, and he was included instantly. But it was really eye opening to read that post and remember where we were, and how far we’ve come.

Our mornings around here are pretty standard. Breakfast, bathroom, teeth, clothes, hair, done. If there’s time after that, he plays a bit, but usually its pretty quick after he’s done getting ready that he starts bundling up to leave. He used to cry when I’d tell him to put his toys away and to get his jacket on. Not anymore. He just dumps them in their spot and heads to the entrance to get ready. On days when I have help in the mornings, its just he and I. He gets bundled up and gets his backpack on. In spring, he had started having preferences about what I should wear. He liked to pick prettier shoes for me 🙂 I loved that.

As we head out to the garage, the kids all yell loud “BYEs” and “I LOVE YOUs” at each other, with some “God bless you’s” thrown in once in a while. Its cute. He buckles himself in the van and shouts “Ready!” from his spot, and we go.

We park as close to the school as we can get, and walk to the school, hand in hand. I walk him as far as his boot room and send him in on his own to put his backpack away. I used to go in with him, but the boot room is chaotic, and he’s more than capable. I wait for him outside. It only takes a few seconds before he barrels out the door and rushes at me, bellowing something at me about catching him. And he’s never kidding. He jumps up into the air and I catch him in a corny, movie-esque type scene. Since all of the sickness, I’ve been kissing his cheek, though he always tries for a mouth kiss first. We say big “I love yous” and I tell him to have a great day. He says he will, and then races for the playground without looking back. Once in a blue moon, he has turned and run back to me, saying he forgot to hug me 😉 I’m ok with that. I hope he ALWAYS hugs me in that tight headlock kind of way, and wants to kiss me goodbye. I hope it stays forever.

How far we’ve come in the last year. He likes school, and it appears that school likes him, too. I really couldn’t be prouder.

After our appointment for Rowan the other day, I spoke to his doctor and she confirmed my suspicion. She wouldn’t prescribe anything if Ro didn’t have an infection. I totally understand why not, and support her decision, but I admit that I’m fed up with waiting. However, waiting happens from time to time. So she booked him an appointment to be seen at her office by another doctor, as she herself is currently on holidays. That was yesterday afternoon.

Ro had been so cooperative at his first hearing test, I was hoping for a redo of that. He wasn’t so sure, and wailed as I hauled him out of the van. However, as soon as he was out and we were walking in, he was fine. We checked in and sat in the waiting room for a while. It wasn’t too long before he was called back. Unlike last time, he didn’t panic, and instead of me having to carry him and comfort him a little, he just walked with me. I let him “help me” by carrying my wallet, which helped, I think. He felt pretty important. He told the nurse who walked him back that it was his laptop. She got his weight, and walked us back to an exam room. We spent a few minutes pep talking about cooperating with the doctors and I encouraged him that he had done SO well at his last appointment, and he was a pro by now at getting his ears checked. He seemed to like that, though his goofy faces said otherwise.

We were joined by a medical student just a few minutes after entering the exam room. We talked just a little bit, and then she asked Rowan if he’d go sit up on the bed so she could check his ears. He politely told her he wouldn’t, haha, but I convinced him to join me up there, so he came along. He insisted she check his right ear first, so she complied, and followed with the left. And then, as I expected, she said there was some fluid in there, but no infection.

“Its all pretty normal in there, I think he’s perfect. Nothing to worry about,” she said. I went into the conversation about how every time Rowan’s ears have been checked, thats been the result. Its hard to know if its the same fluid just living in there, or it keeps forming through our houses many illnesses and colds. She pointed out that he seemed to be hearing her fine (eye roll) and I reassured her that if I had brought some background noise with me, it would be an entirely different story. She said she was going to bring in another doctor to have a look at him, and off she went. Very polite, very nice.

She brought with her two more women; a doctor and a resident. Everyone was lovely, but louder and boisterous, and I was a bit nervous Ro would clam up. But he didn’t! They were all so enamoured with him, and he just grew taller and taller as they laughed at his jokes and complimented him. It was completely adorable. He cooperated beautifully and let everyone look in his ears. It was around that time when I learned that, for some reason, they didn’t have the official report from his hearing test appointment! Dr. Guselle told me on the phone the other day that she didn’t have it, but would put it as a task on her assistant’s desk to hunt it down. And they still didn’t have it! I was kind of disappointed, because I absolutely agree that his ears don’t seem to be problematic at all, but I also live with him and see that they are not functioning 100%, and its frustrating! I wish they had that report to look over, but they didn’t. However, the doctor who was overseeing Rowan for Dr. Guselle seemed more intrigued about the fact that the background noise was what really messes him up. She said his speech is excellent for his age (win!) and thats such a big indicator of hearing. Yet, we do have a decent amount of time where we all listen to each other, like over meals, prayer time before bed, and anytime Solly isn’t being super loud. (There are not too many quiet times in our day, lol!) So he’s had a lot of time to develop his speech, but when things get loud and busy and we try to communicate with him, he gets SO frustrated!

The doctor noted that we have yet another follow up with Dr. Guselle in a couple of weeks, where she’ll assess the fluid then, and then hopefully be able to judge if its improving or not. If he hasn’t been sick recently, it should at least be slowly going down, if not all gone. If its still there, likely we’ll head in the direction of an ears, nose, and throat specialist. But this is a good start, I suppose. A bit of a fruitless appointment, but at least there is a starting point now, and we can wait to see if the fluid goes down or maintains.

All things considered, I’m SO impressed with how well Rowan handled his appointment with all the ladies. That kid is so stinking charming!

I loved putting together a blog series when I was pregnant with my little papoose. It was my first formal series, and I stuck to it. I enjoyed every aspect of it, from record keeping, to sharing pictures, to simply not having to think of what to write about that day of the week! “Expecting the Best” was something I truly loved, and it was a serious shame to wrap it up so early on.

I’d like to do a series this time around as well. I believe my last one started at seven weeks, and ‘m already a little bit further in. I’ve been a bit gun shy, for a few different reasons.

1. Super early in a pregnancy, the dates aren’t as accurate as they are around 10 weeks or so. Last time around, I had to change the dates a few weeks in when my due date moved up by five days. I didn’t like having to change the day I posted on. I wanted to keep things consistent, but I also didn’t want each series to start with “I’m however many weeks and five days today.” So waiting until a little later might be smarter.
2. I’ve had a lot to talk about since announcing this pregnancy. I’ve had more appointments and more going on in my mind that I haven’t felt the need to compress everything into one weekly post. At least personally, I don’t feel like anything has dragged too badly. So there’s been no rush on me, from me.
3. Lastly, I’ve been gun shy because you just never know how long it will last. I know, I know, I do NOT want to live in fear, waiting for the baby to die. But frankly, if its going to, it would be so much less painful for me to not have to call it quits on another series that I poured a lot of work and love into. Yet, life is fleeting, and anything can happen at any time. I can’t live like that. But I’ve been putting it off.

What do you guys think? I went in for an ultrasound this morning and we are measuring consistently with the last few weeks. I am exactly 8 weeks along today, which is one day larger than the pattern we’ve been following since my very first ultrasound at 5 weeks. Its actually been SO exciting to have these weekly scans and see how much progress happens in such a short span of time!

6 weeks: baby was 0.5 cm long, with a heart rate of 120 bpm
7 weeks: baby was 1.0 cm long, with a heart rate of 140 bpm
8 weeks: baby was 1.6 cm long, with a heart rate of 163 bpm

At this point, the date is probably pretty accurate, though it may move by a day or two. Would you all stick with me if the day of the series post changed?

If you followed the last series, did I cover all of the bases? Anything else you’d like me to talk about each week, or any questions you’d like answered? You guys know I’ll talk about juuust about anything, so feel free to ask!

So. Should I start soon? Wait for a for sure concrete date? Wait until the new year, and my second trimester? Any input would be greatly appreciated! I know I did a series last time, but for some reason, this feels like new territory. Thats probably a good thing, going along with the reminder that this is a new pregnancy, new situation, new baby.

I went to church this morning on my own. I had committed to helping with worship, and we were going to go as a family, but three of the kids had really choppy nights/early mornings and were in no shape to be at church. So I went by myself, first to music practice, and then to the service, while Brady held down the fort at home.

At least, he did that for part of the morning! Our amazing neighbour across the street invited the kids to join her in decorating her Christmas tree!! This is not the first time she’s requested them come join her in a job/event at her house, and they love it! Brady got them dressed and sent them over to “help” with the tree. So he got some one on one time with Solly while the other kids got a bit of an outing.

While they decorated, and Brady hung with Solly, I told our whole church about our pregnancy. It felt good to get it off my chest, even though its not something I had to do. Its something I really wanted to do, but it took a little psyching up before I was able to actually voice it. When I finally had shared, I felt some relief. Now, I know that my baby is going to be washed over with more prayer still, beyond all of the amazing support and prayers we already have!!

On my way out of church, many people hugged me and encouraged me and promised to pray. Nothing but support. It was pretty incredible, and refreshing.

I feel, now, like all of my bases have been covered in this. Our families know, out closest friends know, everyone who invests in and follows our family through the blog knows, and now our church knows. Hopefully ALL of us can celebrate victories all along the way, specifically at the end, in July, when we bring this baby home! What an amazing day that will be. 💓

One of the “I wonders” I’ve been struggling with is when to tell the kids about the baby. They’ve already experienced a lot of loss this year, and while they may not have grasped it the same way I did as an adult, they understood more than I expected, and grieved right along with us. Brady and I knew we wanted to tell them soon enough, but we figured that might be around Christmas. Its only one more month. Or maybe, at some point, they’d end up in an ultrasound with us, and then they’d figure it out pretty easily. So we were just waiting for the right time.

This morning, as I got dressed, I realized how unflattering my shirt was. I haven’t lost any weight since losing Jamin, which I think is actually a blessing in disguise, but I’m not as thin as I usually am. This morning, however, looking at my figure from the side, I felt very pudgy. I’m not “showing” at all, but I’m very bloated and loose and I feel icky about my body. Its done a lot of things this year, and its not what it was a year ago, thats for sure. But I rocked the shirt anyway, because who cares? I was just running in for a quick touch up on the shaved side of my hair, so I’d have the cape on most of the time anyway. No big deal.

I enjoyed my appointment, and told my hair girl about our pregnancy. I think we had just found out the last time I saw her, so I hadn’t mentioned it. Today, it was news, and it was fun to talk about. It was a good way to break up the morning.

When I got home, Brady had the kids at the table, eating lunch, and I went to visit with them. I stood at the table between Dekker and Laela and they told me about their morning. A loving neighbour had brought them gifts, and they were all eager to show off. They were very cute and excited to show off their shirts with mouths that opened and closed!

Laela then commented on my shirt. It was pretty bright pink, and she pointed out which shade of pink she liked best. Dekker did the same, and then commented on how soft it was. He rubbed his hand on my paunchy tummy, and then asked “Is this a pregnant shirt?” Thats what I call maternity clothes, for the record. And I pretty much always wear maternity clothes, whether I’m pregnant or not, so I didn’t give it another thought. I told him, yes, its a pregnant shirt.

“Because you’re pregnant?” he asked.

“I don’t know, what do you think?” I asked him.

“Well, your tummy is all round, like there’s a baby in it. Is there?”

Brady and I stared at each other in total disbelief. Not only did Dekker confirm that I was looking extra bloated and pudgy today, but he guessed that I was pregnant!!

So we confirmed that I was, and all three older kids were SO happy for the good news! No more tip toeing around the kids, I guess! They’re far sharper than I gave them credit for!

Way to go, smarties!!

We’ve been talking about the same thing for several days now, and while I find it incredibly refreshing to share those things with you guys, there continue to be other things going on in our life completely unrelated to our new pregnancy. For instance, Rowan’s hearing.

I’ve only mentioned it once or twice on the blog, if I remember right, but I’ve been suspicious about Rowan’s hearing for a while already. Earlier this year, I asked Dr. Guselle to check Rowan’s ears for me. At the time, she noted some fluid in his ears, but he was in the thick of a cold so it was hard to judge much. I also learned that, after a cold, fluid can last in ears for quite some time. Weeks and weeks. She sent a referral to the audiology department of the hospital for us, and that was that. Better to be safe than sorry, right?

So began a ridiculous run around, with the childrens section of audiology actually being cut for a few months, and then being rebooted with a mile long waiting list mid summer. I waited a month or two before calling and hounding the department, and Rowan’s spot on the waiting list had not moved in those months. It was SO frustrating. Yet I know he’s not the only kid anxiously waiting on this list to be seen. Its pretty awful that anyone between the ages of newborn and 6 years old can’t be seen for free by public health.

In my final call to audiology, I asked what I could possibly do next. They told me to go private. I had called private clinics in the summer and they all told me that no one in a private clinic was set up to see children his age. I told her as much, and she said there were only a few clinics that would, and gave me their names.

I called one and it told me they were booking either RIGHT at Christmas or into the new year. Keep in mind, this was in October. I was so discouraged, I gave up. But a week or two later, I called the second place and they said “How about this Thursday?” Unfortunately, we couldn’t make it that day, and they only saw the young kids on Thursday evenings, but I could get in just a couple of weeks later! I was totally thrilled, and booked an appointment on the spot.

That appointment was yesterday at 5:00. Ro and I went on a date, just the two of us, which we haven’t done maybe ever. It was so fun! He is SUCH a sweet little guy. I loved bantered with him in the van as we drove, though by “bantering,” I mean I was shouting and he was saying “I can’t hear what you said” over and over. Sometimes it worked 😉 We went to McDonalds and he got a happy meal, which the kids never get anymore, and enjoyed his chicken and fries. The toy was for after his appointment.

We talked/prepped for his appointment quite a bit. He actually seemed pretty on board with having his ears looked at. So much so that I think he knows he can’t quite hear as well as he should. The one thing I couldn’t drill into his head, however, was that he was not seeing Dr. Rubab. For some reason, he was so sure that he was going to see Dekker’s eye specialist, but I kept telling him he was seeing Dr. Jason. He was completely fine with everything we discussed, however, and even said he was excited to go. When we arrived at the clinic, he was so sweet and chatty, and he and I joked as I filled out his forms. They were definitely geared towards adults, so I couldn’t answer much of it, but I tried. When the doctor did call him back, however, he instantly narrowed his eyes and said “no.” I swear, he was still expecting to see Dr. Rubab.

I carried him back to avoid dragging his screaming self into the exam room, and he calmed right away. The doctor was great and said he could do everything with Ro on my lap, so we did. Ro was SO patient as Dr. Jason put thing after thing in his ears, with lots of waiting and sitting still and being quiet involved. Countless times, Ro would lift his hand up to the cords hanging for all the monitors, but then resist and put his hand back down. All on his own. He. Did. Amazing. I think that kind of thing takes longer with kids, too, because you don’t want to just shove the scopes into his ears. You want to be ultra gentle and avoid the fight, so there was a lot of trying new sizes until something fit/sealed/worked properly. But it was finally over, and Ro had done a fabulous job!

So, the results were in! Rowan’s right ear is in perfect shape. Its open, clear, and functioning well. His left ear is where our issue lies, and hopefully its a completely solvable issue. His left ear is apparently a tiny big red, and has fluid in it. Nothing big. The doctor said it looks like a bit of an ear infection. However, to my knowledge, Rowan has never had an ear infection. So its possible he has one now, for the first time, and I just would never have known, or he’s had some others in the past that we haven’t known about, or he has fluid build up from past illnesses in general, or any number of things. There is no way to know how long the fluid has been in there, but it is in there, nonetheless. Those of you who have had babies probably remember the newborn hearing screening, where someone came and put a little wand into your baby’s ears. Rowan had that screening again yesterday, and the doctor explained that what the wand does is send little ticking sounds into the ear, and the waits to register the echo back, showing how much movement there is in the ear drum. Rowan’s right ear was perfectly echoey. His left ear was completely flat, with no echo. The doctor agreed that he would have very little hearing ability out of that ear at this time. Answers! Yes!!

He made his recommendation, and I have a call in to my doctor, so hopefully we’ll get this sorted out very soon 🙂 Ideally, a round of antibiotics would clear the fluid from his ear, and Rowan can be firing on all cylinders again! We’ll rebook with Dr. Jason in three weeks or so, to make sure the treatment did its job, but hopefully thats the end of it and we’re in the clear. I’m so thrilled to have a direction to move in, finally.

And Rowan is thrilled with the happy meal toy he earned, haha! Wins all around.

I went to my OB first the first time just the other day. I guess I could say, it was the first time since losing our little babe in August. I’ll admit that I had some apprehension about going to her.

If you read my last couple of posts, I was pretty annoyed having found out she had moved clinics, and that her front desk staff wasn’t the most helpful to me. My mom lovingly volunteered to take me to my appointment, to both act as moral support and to also help me get there and navigate the area. I had originally been happy that her office was right downtown, where I could easily park in the mall parkade. Upon arriving at the new clinic, the entire building a parking lot for exactly six cars, and we had to drive a couple of blocks to find available street parking. It was far less frustrating having someone with me, thats for sure! We made it into the office, I checked in on a computer, and we sat and waited just a couple of minutes before I was called back. They checked my height, weight, and blood pressure. I’d put it all in here if I knew any of the numbers but it was very quick and no one offered me any information. Thats probably pretty standard practice but I’ve been so spoiled with my family doctor that it kind of drives me nuts.

The nurse followed us into a room and went through a quick checklist of questions. A tiny bit of family history, how many kids I already had, vitamins, smoking, etc. Nothing too riveting. It was one of the first times I’ve had to include my little angel boys in my history. The nurse kept kind of mixing stuff up and I’d have to backtrack and correct her a little bit. “No, I don’t have any children from 2017. Well, I mean, I do, but I’m not sure they count…” It just felt gross.

My OB finally came in and we had a chat. She was encouraging and happy for me, which was nice. She asked if I was feeling sick and if I wanted medication for it. I told her I had some and ran it past her, and she okayed it. But that was as far as it really went, which I was surprised by. She asked me if I had any questions, and I had a couple. Nothing big. Finally, I just told her that I didn’t feel like I had many questions that had real answers, but that my anxiety was through the roof. We talked ultrasounds, and she asked when my next one was scheduled. Next week, I told her. She asked if I’d like one this week, also. I accepted.

(If we can all keep our opinions about the safety of ultrasounds to ourselves, I’d greatly appreciate it! I know we all have different opinions, but I’ve done my research and feel secure in my choices to have additional scans. I BEG of you not to challenge this. I am confident, but I’m not sure I could handle the guilt trip. Please understand!)

I was surprised when she printed off a requisition and told me to book one. I was very much expecting to have my scan done in the office, as is customary with most OBs, as far as I know. I had even asked Dr. Guselle about this before, she had called the OBs office on my behalf and asked, and they assured her they had ultrasound equipment on site that they would use. However, thats not how it wound up. I left with a couple of sheets of paper, a tiny bit frustrated. But let’s be real. It doesn’t take a whole lot these days :/

My mom and I were walking to the car, and she suggested I call and just see if I could get an ultrasound still that afternoon. It was after 3:00, so it was a long shot, but I tried, and sure enough, I got a 4:00 spot! It worked out well because I already had a fairly full bladder, lol! So we made a quick stop to buy a bottle of water and I chugged it back on the way to the ultrasound clinic. (Does anyone else find the chugging of the water absolutely gross and nauseating?? 🙋 I do!! )

I had never been to this clinic before. Its a brand new location on the west side, and I am SO thankful its so new because it was completely quiet in there. The tech was hanging out in the waiting room, chatting with the receptionist, and we went in just a few minutes later. So I got in nice and early, which was a treat! I was ready to see what was going on in there.

Our tech didn’t know any history about us, which was actually kind of refreshing. I don’t remember the last time I’ve been asked if this was my first pregnancy or not. It was an innocent question, but I laughed out loud. Awkward. When he put his wand on my abdomen, he right away showed me the heartbeat. And WOW has the baby grown from one week to the next!! 😭 It was just incredible to see. My mom grabbed my hand and I told the tech how relieved I was. He seemed a bit surprised and asked if I’ve been having spotting or something. I told him I wasn’t, but I told him we’ve had a couple losses this year and are needing reassurance. He jumped on that information and said we’d go through the whole thing again together. He turned the screen all the way to me and slowly went from one side of my uterus to the other. He showed me the amniotic sac, and the heartbeat again. He told me he saw no signs of bleeding or anything out of the ordinary at all. He told me how I was measuring, how big the baby was, the heart rate, etc. Honestly, he probably told me more than he should’ve, but I appreciated it SO much. So, at that point, I was measuring 7w1d, which was one day ahead of where I should’ve been, according to my last ultrasound (though I’m sure some of that varies from tech to tech.) The baby’s heart rate was in the 140s, and its body was measuring just over 1 cm. I know. SO tiny. But, last week baby measured 0.5 cms, so no wonder I’m feeling so worn out and sick!! My body has been working overtime this last week, doubling my baby in size!!!! 😲 Amazing, right?? He got me some pictures and said “We’ll see you in again in a couple of months!” Lol! Ya, or much much sooner…

To give you a little side by side, this is the difference between 6 weeks and 7 weeks!!

The first picture, the baby is in between the little markings, just along the outer edge of the gestational sac. The second picture doesn’t need any explanation.

The day had started out a bit frustrating, but ended with a lot of reassurance for me. I’m SO thankful it wound up the way it did! I’ll have another scan early next week, and then an appointment with my OB to talk about both of them and see where my anxiety is. Hopefully she can give me some tips and recommendations on how to curb it. I’m already trying to do a few things for it, but thats a whole separate post.

Since that appointment, I’ve went ahead with my nausea medication, and thanks to that, am a TOTAL zombie almost exclusively. Coffee isn’t sitting very well at all, and my meds may as well be sleeping pills. Hopefully they’ll help me feel well enough soon so I can combat their drowsy effect with coffee!! If you see me out and about, wandering aimlessly, please take me home. I’m probably sleep walking. 😳 😴

Last one guys, I promise, and then we’re back to present day thoughts!

*****

November 9

I spoke to my doctor about the ultrasound while driving to Winnipeg today. We agreed that my numbers and my scan don’t add up 100% but we also agreed not to panic. It was probably the first time I’ve hung up a phone call with her not feeling totally uplifted and hopeful, but rather a big discouraged. I thought, with 8000+ hcg, the ultrasound should show more :/ It was good to remember that, while she is the BEST family doctor I could EVER ask for, she is not an ultrasound tech or an OB. So perhaps she mainly knows the answers that are “by the book” in this area. Its a very important book to know, yet strangely I feel like so few of us follow said book.

November 10

Yikes these bruised elbow pits, though… 

Gross gross gross.

I want so badly to be rational but I feel like I could scream. I have so much boiling in my head and heart right now, and when something else hard gets shovelled on top, I just cannot handle it. I have too many other worries already. Where are my pregnancy symptoms? I need a milestone to anticipate! The age gap between my children is growing and growing! What if this baby dies too?? I cannot survive a third consecutive loss! Please, Lord, help me carry this baby to term!! I can’t handle another burden on my heart. It is already too heavy.

November 11

I met a woman today who commented on how perfect Rowans hair is. We began a conversation about our children, and being the classic oversharer, I told her about my lost babies this year and how its awkward to know I have more kids, but to not be able to say the real number, because its just too much for each and every stranger to know. She told me point blank that the way she tells it is that she has three children, but has been pregnant eight times. EIGHT!! We talked for a long time, and discovered we had so much in common, the ways of family, beliefs, faith, etc. Everything that actually matters. It was lovely and warm and a very necessary reminder that I know what is important, where my babies are, and that I BELIEVE in Jesus, and TRUST Him to give me the babies I’m supposed to have exactly when I’m supposed to have them. It was a refreshing conversation. I hope to be able to be that lady for other people down the road. <3

November 12

My mind is so full of so many overwhelming things. Will the baby die? WHEN will the baby die? Thats more so the question. Am I going to know? For all I know, it already has. Ugh. Now, add to that some other worries that are unrelated but hurt so badly. You just never know what someone has going on in their life. My mom always told me that when someone hurt me or wronged me or seemed to do something unjust. You never know whats going on their life. They might be going through something really difficult. I’m going to take that another direction and say that you NEVER know whats going on in someone’s life, so DO NOT add any anxiety or stress that doesn’t need to be there. Some of us don’t have the capacity for more. Even if the situations are completely unrelated, some of us are tapped out. I am tapped out. 

November 13

Had a BIG ole cry in the bathtub yesterday. I cried about my lost babies. I cried about the baby currently within me that I can’t help but feel fear about. I cried about my hurt feelings. I cried about the long drive home and how much Solly cried. I cried so long and so hard that Brady cried. But when it was all over, WOW did I feel better. Not all better, but cleansed. Detoxed almost. So many tears and so much sweat, and I could finally let down. I had been on the verge of crying for several days. It felt amazing.

November 14

I’m nauseous and weepy, but I’ve convinced myself I just didn’t take very good care of myself today. Why is it so hard to feel happy and hopeful? What is it about pessimism that feels so much safer? I hate that.

November 15

My boobs hurt today, and once again, I’m nauseous. I did eat, and it helped with the sick feeling momentarily, but I felt sick once again before the kids had even finished eating. Its so frustrating, and so symptomy, but I just don’t buy it. Hopefully I’ll know more tomorrow. And hopefully its good news. I’m getting more and more afraid that its going to change for the worse. I should’ve done more blood work this week, just so I was at least a little bit prepared if things go bad. But its too late for that now.

November 16

The baby’s heart is beating! I cried like a loser, but I really thought we were out again 😭 So many emotions. We went in and our tech greeted us warmly, as always. She led us to the back room and I lay down. I don’t usually have to be pee THAT bad, but it was feeling pretty urgent already. Thank goodness we were in 15 minutes early! Our tech is amazing, but even now that she knows us a bit better, she is very professional, and ALWAYS gets her info before giving me mine. Always. It drives me crazy, but I’ve come to expect it. As she gets the wand moving on my abdomen, she quietly whispered “Its grown” which was the best gift she could’ve given me in that moment. I just needed to know something. As she finished gathering her information, she went to find the baby’s heartbeat. She showed me the amniotic sac, and then the itty bitty baby. She was leaning towards the screen, squinting. She tried to get a heart rate but nothing would register. She zoomed in and out and couldn’t get it. She asked me to hold my breath in an effort to be more still. But I was so upset, starting to tear up and breathe hard. My heart was racing. I turned to Brady and apologized for what was about to happen. I told him that I was sorry we were out again. I was devastated. Finally my tech corrected me and said “Just look at the screen! Look closely!” And there it was. The TEENIEST little flicker I have ever seen; so small that I almost didn’t see it. I cried, and she passed me a kleenex. Only then could I calm down enough that she could get the heart rate on record. But WOW. What a rush. What a crazy thing. I’m so thrilled to see a heartbeat in my baby. Some of my first-timer ignorance is floating up and I think I’m going to let it. Let myself just be blindly excited, and not worry about what could be. I know there will continue to be anxiety throughout this pregnancy, so hopefully I can enjoy the excited moments as they come up. Today is an excited moment.

November 17

A doctor from Dr Guselle’s office called me this morning to confirm that I had seen the heartbeat and was satisfied with my ultrasound. I told her I had, and she said, kind of off the cuff “After seeing the heartbeat, your chances of miscarriage go down.” I actually laughed, which was awkward, and then I tried to save the conversation by saying that was true, and we had good odds, but considering my last situation, some of that magic has kind of worn off. She gave me some numbers to comfort me somehow, and I told her that I’ve been working hard to remind myself that what happened last time is not a common thing at all. The chance that I will suffer another later term loss is slim, and while I KNOW that to be true, I’ve also lived through it, and would be completely devastated to live through it again. Its hard to just not think about, just because numbers appear to be in our favor.

Dr Guselle just called! Apparently the doctor that called earlier just tried to help her out and take a message off her desk, but Dr Guselle said she stole her thunder, and that she wanted to speak to me herself about our successful ultrasound! I love her. We talked about the heart rate, and the fact that the baby measures exactly eight days bigger, eight days after the previous ultrasound. She even told me which ovary might ache a little bit because she could tell where implantation took place! We confirmed when my next scan is, and when I’m seeing my OB in the near future, laughed about how my OB’s name sounds like pastry, and about how unprepared she is for Christmas. Out of the blue, she goes on to say “Now when will I see you next? Twelve weeks sound ok?” I did not expect to see Dr. Guselle for quite some time, honestly. I knew I was supposed to go through an OB for a least a good chunk of my pregnancy, and I could transfer back to Dr. Guselle whenever we were “safe,” whatever that means. So I didn’t think I’d see her until we were maybe halfway through. However, she said she was hoping to see me at a time when we could hear the heartbeat together in the office 🙂 She VOLUNTEERED to come in on a day that she wasn’t scheduled in, between Christmas and New Years, so we could meet and hear the baby 💗 Even just writing that out makes me tear up. I just have the BEST medical team ever. The BEST. So, on the books currently, I have an appointment with my OB next week, where I’ll likely get an ultrasound, and then I have another scan the week after. I’m not sure about scans in December yet, but I know I have an appointment with my doctor to look forward to. I feel so cared for and loved, even though I know all of my health care providers are professional and likely are just amazing and treat all of their patients as well as they treat me. What amazing people they are.

November 18

So so sick. And SO worth it <3 Its hard to think about anything else. I can’t believe I’m pregnant. I had all of these “what ifs” in my mind and now I have to actually sort them out. Should we actually tell people right away here? That was the plan. I want people to know, but I also don’t want to announce it publicly and then lose the baby the very next day. Thats the biggest fear, really. Somehow feeling dumb because the baby died, even though no one would think I was dumb because of it. Just feeling foolish, maybe. Silly for hoping. I have to turn these thoughts around…

*****

As you can see, I did decide to tell you guys, and I’m glad I did 🙂 I saw my OB yesterday, and did have a scan. I’ll tell you all about it tomorrow. Thank you for consistently investing time and interest in our family.

Here’s another round of my early thoughts on this pregnancy. I ask again for your understand at some of my “downer” thoughts. They were confusing, difficult days, and it was super hard to figure out my emotions. I don’t anticipate it’ll get a whole lot easier as time goes by, but I’m trying. I felt like these days were important to record, even though I’m posting them after the fact. I want to remember some of these things, even though they aren’t all easy.

*****

October 30

Remember those mini M&Ms that would come in those cylindrical containers? Brady found one me one floating around the pantry last night for a treat. I needed a snack because I’ve chewed my nails and fingers down so so far, and it was time to focus my attention on something else. Turns out the little container is even better than the candies, because it makes that cute little popping sound when you open it. Its a good toy to keep my hands busy. Now if only my fingertips weren’t on fire and the container didn’t actually hurt to play with…

I found out today my OB moved offices. I had no knowledge of this. Trying to get in touch with her at the new place was difficult. I was on hold forever to super loud hold music, and then the receptionist couldn’t seem to figure out what I wanted. To leave a message! That was all! She insisted I make an appointment, but then chastised me for making one because it was too early in my pregnancy. She wouldn’t listen to my history. When it finally all boiled down, she booked me with a different doctor. 😩 This does not leave me feeling confident.

October 31

I got my blood work done today. Getting a baseline level of hcg. I’ll go back in every three days for a little while to make sure my levels are rising as they’re supposed to. The nurse was awful to me. She made no eye contact and when I tried to speak to her, she just consistently wouldn’t respond. It was weird and off putting. I know I’m not some breakable, fragile, piece of glass, but she did not leave me feeling well cared for or comfortable. Not the best.

I cancelled my upcoming appointment with my OB. That whole debacle trying to get a hold of them and simply leave a message left a bad taste in my mouth :/ 

We’re going trick or treating tonight with the kids. Its hard to shake off the fact that we’d have a little baby Theo joining our crew of cuties. If things had gone differently, we’d be a group of seven instead of six.

I just booked an ultrasound for next week. Kill me now. I’ve never felt so sick about an ultrasound until this one. Because I know that my dates are off, because I know I didn’t ovulate on the 14th day of my cycle, but being that everything is based off of the first day of my last cycle, I’m “supposed” to see 6 weeks worth of baby in there, and I know there will only be 5, if any :/ And I know thats ok, but its going to be “concerning,” just because. Ugh.

November 1

Its officially no longer “miscarriage and infant loss awareness month.” I don’t know about anyone else but I don’t plan to be any less aware.

Brady had a dream last night that we miscarried this baby. Ugh. Gross.

My skin is such a loser. I am breaking out like there’s no tomorrow, and I have a big ole gross crusty red zit right in the centre of my forehead. In case anyone wants to be able to look at me and know my hormones are raging just based on that.

November 2

Second round of blood work done and done! The nurse was so much better this time. We talked loss and overcoming hard things. I made the mistake of giving her the same arm I used last time. Now it HURTS. I hate having my blood taken but really, take it every day, every hour, I don’t care anymore.

PLEASE DOUBLE!!

Come on, Dr Guselle! I’m itching for answers!!

She called!! My hcg did more than just double, but went from 202 – 575!! What a relief! We had a nice chat about how hcg grows and whether there will be a heartbeat at the early ultrasound I booked. We made a standing plan with that, and decided to give my body the weekend and recheck the hcg on Monday morning. Towards the end of our call, she said “Its going to be so fun to plan out your delivery date and all of those little details.” I made some comment along the long of “I hope so” and she said, once again, that I have done this well four times before, and that she is confident it will happen again! Maybe just lip service, but she’s not that kind of woman. It was a lovely encouragement. I’m so hoping this all goes through ❤️ Stick, baby! STICK!

Mmmmm. Going to bed feels SO much better with these results.

November 3

It definitely feels better to know my hcg numbers were good yesterday. I hope they stay good. I feel super irritable today. Maybe just because its been suggested that I’m irritable today. Folks, don’t say that to people.

I bought the baby a Christmas present. I know, its too early, and it still might die. But I just don’t want to live like that.

November 4

I went to the Christmas marketplace this morning. It made me want to buy little toques for the extra kid I should have.

November 5

I feel car sick and gaggy. I wonder if my baby is alive, or I’m just feeling sick along with the rest of my family.

November 6

Blood work again today. And once again, it more than doubled! We’re at 3375, and the minimum we were looking for was 2300! Decided to go forward with an early ultrasound in two days. But WOW how pregnancy looks different this time. My doctor and I decided, since its so early to have an ultrasound, I’ll go for blood work on Wednesday right before the ultrasound, so even if we don’t see a heartbeat, we’ll have hcg numbers. If they’re still going up at a good pace, we can be more confident that the baby is safe, and just still little. And if there’s a problem, we’ll have our numbers that way too. I don’t think I’ve ever covered my butt this much from myself. Does that make any sense? Protecting myself from myself?

November 7

Dr Guselle had Brady pick up a bundle of papers for me today. It was a blood form good for a years worth of hcg tests, and SIX ultrasound requisitions. She knows I’m going to be there a lot. I’m so glad she understands where I’m coming from.

November 8

I went for another round of blood work this morning, and then straight to an ultrasound. It was SO great to see my favourite tech, and she was so sweet to us, saying she was happy to see our names on the list for the day. While we didn’t see the heartbeat we had SO hoped for, the dates of what she saw lined up better with my suspicions about how far along I am. I know the first day of my last period, which everything is based off of, but I’m pretty confident I ovulated very late, meaning I wouldn’t be as far along as my dates would say. So I was prepared for the possibility. We agreed to leave the internal ultrasound for today, just because of all my losses this year, we’d rather not pose ANY risk to the little baby in there. Better luck next time! We’ll try again next week.

*****

Hopefully only one more instalment of backlogged thoughts and feelings on my pregnancy after a loss and a loss. Bear with me, friends.