The Daily Hailey

Sleep is hard these days. Obviously. I fall asleep very late, sleep HARD, wake up hard and weird, and I live in perpetual exhaustion until I get to fall back to sleep again. Its not a nice cycle, but I do manage to get decent quality sleep. I feel like, even if I got twelve hours straight every night, I would still be this tired, and I think that makes sense. So I’m not being too hard on myself for it. Giving myself grace.

A couple of nights ago, I woke up with a huge startle. It sounded like something fell in my house somewhere. I’m sure we’ve all been there. I went over the possibilities in quick succession. Were the kids up and maybe something just fell over in the kitchen sink maybe? Nope. No one was up yet. It was 6am ish. Maybe a shampoo bottle fell in the tub? Nope, it wasn’t that kind of sound. Did the noise machine vibrate its way off the dresser? No, I don’t use that thing anymore. Weird. Curiouser and curiouser.

I couldn’t pin it down, and wrote it off as the wind. Our house is SO loud in the wind, but with the noise machine always going in our room, the sound wasn’t as bothersome. However, Brady liked the sound machine and I don’t, so I don’t use it anymore. And WOW something is SO darn loud. I have got to figure that out. But I very easily wrote off this startling wakeup call as a result of the wind.

Until later that morning when I noticed my smoke detector was on the floor, halfway across the room from where it usually lives up above my door.

🤦‍♀️

Thanks for nothing, adhesives. You did me dirty. And I could really use the sleep.

🥱

I never check my Facebook memories. Like. Never ever. But today, for whatever reason, I clicked on them. There was a very cute video of Wavy singing the duck song, and then there was this.

A very low quality picture, but an important one.

Today was the day ten years ago that Brady and I bought our Transit van. We brought my mom along to A. join the fray, and B. drive our minivan home, because we both wanted to go in the bus 🙂

We only had four kids at the time. If you’ve ever talked about the bus with me, you know how exactly how I felt, and how I feel.

I was embarrassed for the first week of owning it. And then I wasn’t anymore. We could take the kids, the stroller, a big fat diaper bag, whatever we wanted, and go to Costco for a GIANT shop, and not even bat an eye for space.

Then, we could bring the kids to Edmonton and go to Ikea, and pick up whatever we wanted, and not worry about space.

And then we started fostering, and got up to three placements at a time, at that point becoming a family of 10. And we didn’t have to worry about space.

And then we got a wheelchair, only a few months before we started spending summers at Kinasao. So we would load up ten people, plus a wheelchair, plus a weeks worth of our life in that van. Sometimes we worried about space at that point, but we never had to leave anything behind. It becomes a family joke when we have to start stacking things under seats and at kids feet. You know its really full then! Heck, we brought a kayak to camp in the van once. There is nothing that van can’t hold.

I have no regrets with that bus. Not one. Frankly, I’m going to be in a lot of trouble when it finally kicks 😬 Hopefully not anytime soon!! But this has been a purchase we made that seemed to stun a lot of people at first, and is now crucial to our life. I am SO glad we bought it.

Ugh. Brady, how will I ever buy another vehicle without you?

Its darker outside. I don’t hate it, though. I will soon, but I don’t yet. Except its way harder to get up in the mornings, WOW.

I’d say its darker outside, but its not necessarily darker inside. I don’t know how to explain it. Grief is so complicated.

I obviously ache for my husband. I have dearly loved being married to Brady. We both thought it would be harder being married, but were pleasantly surprised at how much we truly enjoyed it. The partnership. The camaraderie. Witness each others lives. Building our family. Making memories. I can’t believe he’s gone. Yet, every night I don’t have him beside me in our room, it is made more and more obvious to me.

But there are positives. Positives that come with the peace that only God can provide. I am honestly SO HAPPY for Brady to finally be free from the holds of the world. He has no more sorrow. No pain. No struggle. No more disability or illness or appointments or treatments or unpredictability of things that just hang him up and hold him back further and further. What a beautiful relief for him!!

The rest of us, however, still have those things. Our earthly bodies are still here, and our lives continue. It is odd that things just keep going whether he is with us or not. But thank God for God! Because HE is with us, and HE is our comfort and our strength!!

Thank you, Lord, for never leaving us hanging 💜 It is so clear that we are not alone.

Its hard to write blogs these days. Not because we’re folded over in sorrow, per se, but I can sit here and stare at my laptop screen for a long long time, and words just don’t come. I’m very jumbled, and any story or anecdote I think of does not make an entire blog post. Perhaps it is just a completely justified case of writers block, or brain fog, or both. I’m going to keep blogging through it in hopes that some of it resolves with him, so please be patient with me and my boring posts. If I could make interesting stories out of my days, I would, but right now they are built around communicating with multiple different organizations, and trying to keep the family afloat.

I’m going to crochet this evening. A snowflake blanket more specifically. What color combo, guys? Help stir up my creative juices.

Hey Brady.

You’d have loved your memorial, I think. So many people came to show their love and respect for you, as well as their support for our family. LOTS of people from Zaks attended. They actually closed the Warman store for the afternoon so any and everyone could attend. They posted online SO beautifully about you, honey, you’d have felt like a celebrity. The kids had 15+ teachers attend across both schools. Our family doctor even came. And then evvvvveryone else. It was very well attended. You, sir, are very well loved 💜 It is actually pretty funny how many people sheepishly told me yours was the best funeral they had ever been to 🤣 Many people whispered it quietly, noting the obvious faux pas of ranking funeral services, but it was comical just how much that was said by so many different people. The masses agreed that there was the perfect balance of ugly crying and laughter. You really would have loved it. I wish you were there, but then it never would’ve happened. What an odd trade off.

I wore street mocs. Someone lovingly bought them for me after I mentioned them a week or two ago. I have to be SO careful what I post on here! But I wish I could tell you in person that I finally had them after a few years of pining for them. I know you’d like them. They didn’t match my dress, but I knew you’d have said “Who cares?? They’re cozy!” And I’d agree. So I wore them.

You would have been so honoured to witness the amount of love poured out for you on Sunday, and for the rest of us by default. If only you were here to enjoy it with us. But you have WAY better things going, and I love that for you 💜 I love you, and I miss you. We all do.

Kids are back at school. Winter tires going on later this week. Life keeps going, I suppose. Feels different without being able to talk through these things at the end of the day, though.

Anyways.

Be well, Brady. I know you are.

Love Hailey

PS: A picture you would’ve sent me, so I took it for you.

I used to be a runner. Not anymore, but I was.

These last six years have been a marathon of sorts. But even more than that, the last couple of months have been a marathon. The last month specifically, with Brady’s decline, passing, and then the planning of his memorial.

Ok let’s say this weekend was a marathon. A really hard one. We went to some of Laela’s volleyball tournament on both Friday and Saturday. Family stayed to roll in. We did some trick or treating and connected with people left right and centre. And then Sunday began a day that was full to the brim of really lovely, heavy, emotional events. Marathon over.

Tomorrow doesn’t count as a marathon. We moved slowly, and spent some time with family before they left.

Today is a new kind of marathon.

A Toy Story marathon.

We are currently on the fourth one, and everyone is SO content and peaceful. Now we are not really big tv people. We sometimes watch a movie on a Friday. Sometimes. But not often. So a movie marathon is HUGE for our kids, and they are LOVING it. We all have something in hand, whether its crocheting, some of the toys brought to our home c/o the elementary school, or popcorn from lunch. It is the epitome of laziness but I’m also going to call it recovery. But its necessary. Not five movies. But a rest. So we’re taking it. And we’re not even feeling guilty about it.

Yesterday, we celebrated Brady. My dear one. In many ways, it is completely surreal that he is gone. On another hand, he has felt gone for a while now. Or at least, he has felt “going,” if that makes sense. But death is really final. So. We’re here.

The day was a whirlwind. Getting everyone up and ready without panicking or rushing anyone. Kids needed showers/baths. Clothing was already finalized beforehand at least. But hair needed doing, which I really haven’t done much of for the kids in the past. We got it done, though. Loose waves all around. And then they needed a bit of makeup. Boys who never brush their hair needed their hair brushed. Things like that. Then, of course, the girls needed a little makeup, so we did that.

Finally, it was time for our first outing, ready or not. So to the cemetery we went. We had a really nice time there, and Brady got a BEAUTIFUL spot 💜 Some big tears were shed, but it was really nice and peaceful. Thank you, Carrie, for keeping the babies so we could go free of the little ones.

We went home after that, defrosted our hands, and finished getting ready. I hadn’t put any makeup on myself, and the misty weather had demolished my hair. Caught myself back up and we headed to the church.

We waited in a side room until it was time to go in. Our funeral director and pastor walked in first, and we followed. Our little foster bestie, right in the front, bellowed “HI MOMMY!” the moment I was in their line of vision. It was absolutely adorable and broke the ice beautifully.

So. It was all completely beautiful. It was SO Brady, I can’t even explain it more accurately than that. He would have LOVED his service. It was a healthy mix of deep sorrow and some excellent laughs. That perfect balance you want but is hard to attain. We got it, courtesy of Pastor Dennis, Wyatt Zacharias, and Stefan Krahn, who spoke on behalf of Brady. There was SO much love felt in that room.

I won’t lie. The part where everyone ate treats in the gym is a bit of a blur. I think I talked nonstop for at least an hour and a half. It was quite exhausting but, again, full of love. Of course later, when I flipped through the guestbook I realized just how many people I didn’t get to talk to! What an incredible group of human beings in attendance! Again, he would’ve been HONOURED by the numbers, the people, the tears shed and the laughs shared. He left a mark, that man.

The place cleared out before 5:30 (as per Dennis’s request on our behalf haha!) and my family and I went home. We put on comfy clothes. And we headed back to the now deserted church for pizza and running the day off in the gym. It was really, really nice.

I. Am. Exhausted.

But I am blessed. Beyond measure. There is no way to describe it. And maybe today, I’m just not eloquent enough. Maybe tomorrow.

Thank you to all who attended, whether in person or online. Our family feels incredibly seen, loved, and supported.

Goodness I miss you, Brady. And I’m happy for you 💜

I wore the slippers 💜

More tomorrow. 🥱

I try each year to post the kids in their costumes on Halloween. Some years, I don’t get there until tomorrow. Sometimes, I post way late at night. This year, considering all thats going on around us, I’m taking that pressure off of myself and posting early. Costumes may get posted another day. Maybe they won’t. Tomorrow is a pretty big one for us. So we’ll see.

All I have for you is this dumb cartoon that made me laugh.

Its the censored bits for me. Gave me a laugh.

Tonight, we’ll head out on the town with a really extra special group. It’ll be some of my kids, my sister and her family, and our foster bestie and their family. We will have a full group, and I am here for it. It will be a bit chaotic, of course, but what isn’t as of late? I think it won’t be a very late evening at all, but I think thats important and ideal for us right now. Hopefully our friends and family who join us won’t think we’re buzzkills. But any trick or treating will be a stretch, and I hope my kids can be super grateful.

We won’t be able to hit all of our usual spots this year, so if you usually see us and you don’t this time around, please give us grace, and we’ll see you next Halloween, when we are possibly slightly less under water.

🎃

There aren’t really words. But there’s a sign, so.

I know Zak’s has to tell their customers why they’re closing. I know that is partly why. But to me, it reads love. It is above and beyond what they could have said.

Closing early on Sunday.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

Closing at 1 for funeral.

But they did more. SO much better.

Closed Nov 1st @ 1 to celebrate the life of our team member Brady.

😭

As is the theme lately – I just wish I could show him. He would be SO honoured.