I remember Laela’s birth like it was yesterday. My whirlwind birth. My “did that actually happen” birth. I have zero regrets.
What a day.
Today, we celebrate that little life changing girl! What a year its been!
Laela has grown SO beautifully this year!! Even in the midst of our trials and struggles so far in 2021, she has only gotten stronger and more mature and warmer and sweeter. To know Laela is to love her.
She loves to wrestle with/harass her honorary grandpa, Tom.She is no longer afraid of dogs! The calm, slow moving ones, that is!She tolerates me and my crafts. As I made her hang her head upside down so I could tie her hair into a messy bun with a crocheted scrunchie, she quietly commented “I didn’t ask for this…”This morning, as we sung her happy birthday
Laela’s future career plan is to be a mom and a basketball player. She has selected her future husband from the crowd at the lake, and even granted him her first KISS this summer! 😵She wants eight kids and wants to stay in the town where we currently live. She loves her friends, running, and reading.
Laela’s heart is beautiful.
She is a nurturer. She is a second mom to the kids. One who runs when someone needs help. One who offers to carry away the dirty underwear after an accident. One who is not afraid of a challenge. She is warm and compassionate, and a bossy little spitfire when she feels the need to protect. She tells me “I want to be a mom, like, SOON. I’m already so bossy…”
I hope you have the most beautiful day of celebrating today, sweet Laela Hazel. You are dearly loved by your people. I hope you feel it. You are so beautiful to me.
I haven’t been secretive about the fact that I take an antidepressant. It started for pain a couple of years ago and I’ve gone up on it since Brady’s ordeal began. On top of that, I’ve been managing my heartburn, just barely, with two pantaloc, a zantac, and zofran every morning to keep me from barfing/gagging on my reflux. Its a lot of pills. Plus I take something to help me sleep.
Too. Many. Pills. You don’t have to tell me. I already know. I hate it, too.
My doctor and I had bumped my antidepressant in hopes that my overall mental health and wellbeing would improve, and in turn, eradicate my heartburn and other side effects from my anxiety.
The short version – it did not. I still don’t sleep. I still have mad heartburn. I’m losing weight again.
So I went to see Dr. Guselle yesterday, and she was SO warm. Encouraging. Validating. Understanding. We talked about aaaaall the fun things I have to worry about, and she was incredibly gracious in saying that I had every reason to have these concerns, and that the reactions my body was having are out of my control. We discussed my anxiety attacks and how they look, what I do to combat them, etc. She was happy with all the routes I was taking, and the way I care for myself in the midst of them.
We did talk about food, and how I’m having a real problem eating. How I’m trying to eat and its just not happening. Even food that I truly enjoy just sits in front of me. Always having been a small person, I’ve always had to defend my actions and my size, and she stopped me in my tracks, saying she completely believed I am not looking to be small for status, and that she can see how much I wish it to be different.
She went on to suggest something new. She said she wondered why she didn’t think of it before, but its probably because its a medication that is most often saved for the little old ladies on a diet of tea and toast. It is an antidepressant that is marketed to really help with sleep, and gut health (both of which I really need) but its “adverse” side effect is some weight gain. We both believe that some weight gain will only make my body happier, therefore helping my digestive system work better, relieving some of my heartburn and acid reflux. Plus sleep. Plus less anxiety. It would be a WHOLE win!
One pill could treat all the stuff, and eliminate the other pills. It would be SUCH a relief!
So now we wait, and try not to be insanely anxious while I change meds and mess up my hormones a little in the process. Please say a prayer. I’m ready for betterment.
It was a cute day. Four kids went to school today, and we were left with just the little one.
And then we didn’t even have the little one! Brady and I had a couple of errands to run, and Cher insisted on hanging out with Wavy! Its a relief when someone offers who you know actually wants to. And really, who can blame her? Waverly is NOT a hard little chickie to be around.
So we started at the blood lab, because Brady’s next round of chemo is coming up, and he always needs to do bloodwork first. So I waited for him…
…as I do.
It was a quick turnaround! He was back really quickly. And then we went to my appointment with my doctor. It had been a LONG time since we’d seen each other in person, and it was really nice. Felt almost normal.
I’ll tell you all about that appointment soon. Not tonight, but soon.
While I was in my appointment, Brady took the van and ran some errands. He is itching to do some woodworking, and in order to get into it, he needs to get his tools up to snuff. Some of them have rust and many blades are dull. So he picked up some items, and perused some others. He had a lot of fun!
Don’t worry. Post-appointment, I had my own fun! 😍
Everyone get ready for aaaaall the homemade Christmas gifts known to man, lol!
While Brady and I were galavanting, Wavy and auntie had a really, really nice time together!
She stole some of aunties coffee, lol!
Closed the date off with a “pic-a-nic.”
We grabbed DLMs from McDonalds on the way home, and relaxed/crocheted for the rest of the afternoon.
Now if you’ll excuse me, its time to take the hooligans out for a walk to burn up some of their energy. They are cute. And they are loud.
This isn’t so much about melatonin, but its about Rowan. For those of you who have followed and shown genuine care and concern for him all along the way, I knew you’d want to know the latest.
I spoke to the school’s counselor today. I was told last week that Ro is struggling with a few things, and has been expressing that he is VERY angry, OFTEN. When his teacher came to me with this, I was initially SO embarrassed. Rowan’s behavior has improved so much in the last year or so, and I was pretty discouraged to hear that he was struggling. I was warmly reassured by his teacher that we are all a team, and we all care for Rowan, and we want him to be as healthy and happy as he can be! She made me feel calm and understood, and I happily told her I would accept the help the school counselor would offer him. Realistically, Rowan has needed counsel for a long time, and I haven’t been able to commit to the appointments this year.
I make no excuses, and I humbly accept the fact that my kid needs some outside help.
The school counselor, Rachel, and I chatted on the phone this afternoon. She asked for a bit of history and how he’s progressed in his behavior, how we handle certain situations, and what the goals are. What I LOVED was that she told me that we are doing just about everything she would recommend. She said her ideas are merely tweaks to what we’re already doing. She says she completely hears my heart when I talk about Rowan, and she believes that are goals are the right ones. It was SO reassuring to my heart that she could hear how deeply I love him.
She gave me a few ideas of things she’d like me to try out when Rowan gets upset, and gently suggested some ways he might be feeling that maybe I haven’t considered since things got more out of hand. She was right on the money, and I completely honestly told her I am game for a few weeks of changes to test out some new ideas.
She will meet with him next week. I’m really excited to get some more input from someone who knows their stuff and wants to help my kid and, by default, our family.
I want to say that I really appreciate everyone’s love and care regarding my post yesterday. Many of you got in touch over text and otherwise to encourage us. It was a hard blog for me to write. A lot of emotional energy went into it. Now that the idea is out in the open, I figure I should answer a couple of questions I was asked a handful of times.
We WILL stay local, yes. We LOVE our town and everything that comes along with it. Our people are here. Our community is not something we would be willing to give up. The idea of leaving our street and our house clump is hard enough to wrap my head around. But not this town.
Our ideal would be to build another house. Not because we’re fancy 💁♀️but because there is nothing locally for sale that fits our needs in terms of layout and accessibility. But that raises all kinds of other things. The big ones…
I am petrified to attempt to carry two mortgages.
If we sold first, where would we go?
The ONLY way this would really work out is if God intervenes. I don’t know how else it could happen. We basically need someone to buy this house, but not actually want it for six months or so.
God, we trust YOU to do the impossible, if it is Your will. Help us in our unbelief.
The last ten days or so have been incredibly challenging for me. My brain, body, and heart have been struggling, and I can’t and won’t pretend they’re not. I’ve been offered immense sensitivity from the people closest to me as my mental and emotional wellbeing took a fast drop. Thankfully, God has managed to drag me out of some of the muck, and I’m able to have at least some clarity, finally.
My grief is rooted in all of the change we’ve encountered this year. I’m sure that comes as a shock to literally no one, but there is so much tied to that. I’ve been very careful what I’ve said on the topic, for fear of people thinking I am carrying resentment. I also really, really don’t want to hurt Brady’s feelings. HE is not the complication. I say with a full heart of truth that I have ZERO resentment towards the changing needs of my husband. I am NOT upset that my husband is in a wheelchair. HE is not complicated. Our life has just changed.
And with this change, it means we have to let some things go. Some big things.
Its time for us to start talking about moving.
*sigh*
We love our house. We planned it, and watched it be built from the ground up. We dreamed about this house for years!
I’ve battled my love for this house since Brady got home, because he is completely able to get anywhere in the house. So why not stay? Brady is capable of doing stairs. But its slow, and hard, and tiring. Our modified bi-level has three staircases. He can do them. But just getting up to our bedroom once or twice in a day is more than enough stairs, and his body is DONE.
In this house, Brady can no longer race to help someone crying on a different floor. He can no longer help do laundry. He almost never has the strength at the end of the day to tuck in the kids who sleep in the basement. He can’t help kids put shoes on. He can’t retrieve something he left in his room. He can’t get into the pantry. He can’t turn around in the bathroom. He cannot even go to open his front door. That realization was the kicker for me. The man of the house cannot answer his door.
There are too many things that are WAY too hard here. While Brady can do stairs, if there were only stairs to the basement and nowhere else, he would actually be able to go down there a bit more often to be with the kids. Our master suite above the garage has been an oasis, but to have our room on the main level would now be a dream. Main floor laundry. Wider doorways. A bigger main bathroom. An accessible shower setup. Here just doesn’t work so smoothly anymore.
We need something different. While Brady is immensely capable considering all he’s been through, it is important to gauge where energy is most needed and best utilized, and it is clear that all the stairs in our house are holding him back from doing all he wants to do.
Once I came to this realization, some of my fog began to lift, and we’ve been moving forward in our thoughts and plans. We need some time, but planning is of the essence for practicality, and also my anxiety 🙃
God is the only one who can make this happen smoothly for us. We need a pretty specific home, and we currently have zero proof of income. But God can make it happen. He knows what we need, and He already knows the outcome.
Aaaaall of this being said, carry us in prayer, please. And if you have ANY idea of ANYONE looking to move to Dalmeny in the next year, please send them our way 💜This is a BEAUTIFUL house.
This may seem like a small, unimportant post, but I want to have my projects recorded on here. While I have crocheted for well over half my life, I think I’ve upped my game in the last year or two, creating more customized, advanced pieces.
This baby blanket is not something I would say is advanced at all, but I can see that I pulled it out and restarted twice. Hahaha! Probably not something to broadcast, but even simpler designs need to be made right! I’m really happy with how it turned out 🙂
I used a soft lilac yarn and the brightest neon coral I could find for the triangles 🙂 I thought it was a super cute design, though not in the standard baby blanket pastels. Once the blanket was shipped off to its rightful owner, it was confirmed that the colors were a solid “yes.” Win!
Aaaaanyway, such is another project finished! Onto the next!
You might remember when we tried whipped coffee for the first time and were blown away! I posted a whole thing about it, because we loved it that much. Since then, we make it often. Maybe every other day. Its easy and yummy and a novelty.
The whip is a concentrated coffee whip, and its added to milk and water. It looks SO yummy!
That being said, it does NOT taste good on its own. Its strong and gross and totally overpowering. It may look like chocolate mousse, but it does not taste like it. 🙅♀️
These days, Brady has been making the whip instead of me, and the kids who happen to be home are enthralled.
The moment the mixer stops, Solly and Wavy beg to “lick the whiskers.”
Secretly, I think thats why Brady likes to make it 😉 Because the kids are SO cute. As a joke, he let them taste it once. And they were thrilled! Even though I am confident that it tastes bad to them, they like being allowed to have coffee like the adults. They come out of it with varying degrees of messiness.
Wavy barely gets anything on her, and Solly gets covered, lol! Almost like he has his own whiskers!
Simple pleasures. Kids saying whiskers instead of whisk. I’ll take the giggle.
We are very name picky over here. I know many couples who basically trade off who picks which kids name, and the other doesn’t really have a say. I can’t imagine!! Kudos to those who make it work but it would NOT work for us. Brady and I LOVE naming our kids. We pour over names for hours and hours and hours. We used to watch movie credits to the very end and read as many names off as we could. We read through baby name books, used websites, watched YouTube “names I love but won’t be using” videos, etc. We work HARD to come up with names that are juuust different enough without being completely off the wall. Names that flow nicely with the chosen middle name, that sound nice when said out loud. Names that work well for babies, children, teens, and adults. We play with nicknames, and ask a small group of trusted friends if we’ve missed any obvious issues in the name. We. Work. HARD.
I wanted to share with you guys how we chose the name of our fifth baby, Waverly Violet. Her name isn’t the most common, so naturally, we’ve had questions. And thats great! Ask away! I’m aware that not everyone loves her name, and thats great, too! Maybe I don’t like your kids names either 😉 Lol! I’m kidding. I GENUINELY am not offended if you don’t love the names we’ve chosen for our children. If we all liked the same names, everyone would be named the same things, which would be boring. I don’t love boring. You probably know that by now, based on my childrens names. #redundant I will, however, request that if you do not like her name, please don’t tell me! I had that happen at her party when she was twelve days old, and I will never forget it. HER party. Telling me you don’t like her name, and telling her guests. Bad taste. Don’t love it, its cool, but keep it to yourself.
Waverly’s name has been on the books for at least two years before she was born. Brady thinks even longer, but he’s mistaken 😉 (Love you honey!) I found this name on YouTube while watching a channel that I duck in on maybe once or twice a year. She rarely posts, and they have such an odd life. I pretty much relate to nothing at all that she posts, but sometimes I just check for fun. And out of nowhere, she had had a baby. A Waverly. It was instant love for me. INSTANT. I LOVED the name Waverly. I had never ever heard it before, but it wasn’t super weird. Just different enough. It was absolutely my top girl name on our list!
Except I didn’t tell Brady. Because Brady has to grow to love names. I learned that early on. He is quick to veto names, but then actually take some thinking time and fall hard for them later. I was so fearful of him dismissing the name I loved so quickly that I kept it to myself.
In truth, I don’t remember the exact moment I shared the name Waverly with Brady. It was probably when we were pregnant with Theo. I do remember that I was nervous, though. When I finally croaked it out, I could tell he really thought about it. His eyes grew, and he just simply said “Yes. I love that.” And that was it!! There was never another name that even came close to hers.
When we found out that this baby was a little girl, we were SO excited to be able to use the name we loved so much. I lived in some very real anxiety that she would pass away, and we wouldn’t be able to use her name on a daily basis. Lots of dreams centred around that in that stretch of time. I actually had one dream that someone very close to us named their baby Waverly, and we legitimately decided to cut them off completely in order to be able to use the name.
Wavy’s middle name is Violet. Thats for a lot of reasons. Its a name we LOVE but won’t be using as a first name. Its also purple 😉 in case you hadn’t noticed that we like that color over here. It is feminine and whimsical and melodic and just exactly bang on for our Waverly. We tossed around one or two other middle name briefly, but we couldn’t get past the flow of Waverly Violet. It sounded the best, and we loved it the most, plain and simple.
Since bringing Waverly home and sharing her name with the masses (not actually masses) we’ve had SO much love on her name, and on her in general. I know for a fact that not everyone who knows her name loves it, and while I kind of wish I hadn’t been told that directly, as I said, I’m not offended by our differences of opinions. I think her name is smooth and lovely and musical and just so so her! She looks like a Waverly. Or a Wavy. It suits her beautifully. But SHE is amazing, regardless of how she looks or what her name is.
I haven’t been outside in a while. I’ve just been struggling. Griefy. Down. You get it. So I’ve been staying in. Resting. Crocheting. Taking deep breaths. Praying. I do believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I’m not hopeless. No one has to worry. This is just a griefy stretch of road, and I’m too weary to run. So, I walk slow, and it hurts longer, but I believe if I keep moving, the grief won’t swallow me, and eventually there will be a lift out of the fog.
It’s coming.
Today, I walked the kids to school. I haven’t walked them in a while, but today called for it. I didn’t feel particularly strong or capable of doing so, as just about everything is extra right now. But it was necessary, so I did it.
The air was so crisp. I didn’t mind it. My adorable neighbour gave me some jackets the other day (because she’s nice and we’re both tiny women) so I had a cute, new-to-me jacket to wear, and I liked that. The kids I walked with were happy and energetic and polite. It was a really nice walk. I walked back alone and enjoyed the fresh air.
But myyyyy goodness. You know when you have been a couch potato for a really long time, and then you go outside and its colder than it was the last time you were out? My legs felt sore, even though the walk was short. My head felt light. I felt completely overextended. But I’m intentionally holding onto the enjoyment of the walk itself. And I plan to hold onto that feeling until I’m home from picking the kids up after school.
And then I’ll crash and have a cry in reaction to my body being so unbelievably tired.
