Rowan and I headed back to our doctors office for yet another follow up regarding his hearing. This time, we were finally able to see Dr. Guselle! You guys all know I’ll choose her care over just about anyone elses, so I’ve been waiting to speak to her in person on the subject. Luckily, Rowan really likes her, and was very comfortable with the idea of having her check his ears. He’s a pro by now.

We were fairly early, and he and I hung out in the waiting room for a while, admiring the Christmas tree and naming the animals on the wall. When it was our turn, Dr. Guselle came and got us herself. She immediately asked “Was that your van in the parking lot?” We’ve jokingly talked about our big bus in appointments before, as a usual “big family” topic of conversation. I laughed and said it was probably ours that she had seen, yes. She told me she had pictured something totally different, and thought it actually looked really nice! We made a couple jokes about the vans that shuttle convicts around before getting down to the appointment itself.

Ro was totally content with having her check his ears. He tucked his hair to the side and turned his head each way. She surprised me by commenting that his ears looked the same to her, as opposed to the reports that his left ear was plugged and his right ear was clear. I asked if all had cleared then, and she quickly corrected me. No, in fact, both appear to be clogged and fluid-filled. All the same points came up, however, with his language being awesome and himself not being sick. She agreed with me that the situation is unresolved, and that the next logical step is to take him to an ears, nose, and throat specialist. We actually received a letter a few days ago with a date for Rowan to see an ENT, so we’re already on the list! However, his appointment isn’t until the end of February. It feels far. But thats where we are for the moment, anyway. She gave me a brief rundown of how things could play out at the ENT appointment, but we have time. Once we covered that, she asked if we had any appointments or tests last week. I was a bit puzzled, and said no. She I stared at her, and she stared back at me. After a few weird seconds, I asked what she was talking about.

“I mean ultrasounds! Oh, I jumped over to you. Haha! Join me.”

So Rowan’s appointment shifted gears in a fun turn of events, and became an impromptu prenatal appointment! We didn’t go too far in depth, because it really was Rowan’s appointment, but we talked a bit. I told her the medication was kind of screwing me up, but the only real way to help with that is to ween off of it, and I’m pretty hesitant to do that already, so early in the game. I told her I tried to go a bit longer between scans but that it was definitely a stretch. She encouraged me not to stretch that far, and to take the weekly scans for a little while still. In a few weeks, we’ll easily be able to find a heartbeat on a doppler in the office, and normally thats a point of safety, but I told her I feel like I’m going to be jittery for longer than that. I want to see my baby past that 16.5 week point where we lost Jamin. She got that. Baby movement will also help, but knowing that the baby’s placenta is once again in front of the baby, it will take longer to feel the movement than it would if the placenta was behind the baby. Stinking anterior placenta. All of that aside, I felt encouraged and relieved to be back in touch with her. I know I’m supposed to find some extra comfort in being seen by a specialist, but I just miss having my own doctor. I feel so much safer with her. Hopefully once we’re through the second trimester, I’ll be able to transfer back to her.

Rowan was so content throughout the appointment. There was one moment halfway through where he was standing in front of me, and then leaned back with his face up towards mine, and made kissy sounds. It was SO sweet. So I’d say something to Dr. Guselle, smooch Ro, and say the next part. I couldn’t just ignore his advances, haha! But eventually, the appointment ended, and the three of us left the appointment room in search of stickers for Rowan. He picked a little bunny with a carrot, and thanked her very politely. He was just so dang sweet about it. She wished us luck on the rest of our date, and off we went. I love seeing Dr. Guselle. I always feel better.

Ro and I made a quick stop for some tubs of ice cream before heading home. I’ve been just about aching for ice cream, lol, so we picked two kinds and headed home. It was a great date.

I am now completely wiped out, haha! Not surprising, I know. I literally came home and instantly took my sleeping pill, sooooo that just never helps. I actually have to be away for a little bit this evening and be useful in some way, so wish me luck! Energy is lacking, but Brady is home tomorrow!!! 🎉🎉🎉 So that will help a LOT. There is still so much to do in the coming days, but lots to look forward to! I need to focus on just going one day at a time. And today was a good day 🙂

🎄

As you may have guessed, or learned for yourself, it is SO much easier not to go to church most Sundays. We are working hard to get back into the habit of attending again, so unless we’re all contagious and sick, we’re making a solid effort to go. This morning gave us a pretty serious run for our money, however, and I juuust about called it all off about ten minutes before we had to go.

All the kids were struggling, but most notably, Solly Wolly could not get it together. Just a few days ago, he cut 3/4 eye teeth in the same day. He slept like a rock those days, and it was a great success. This last one seems to be giving him a run for his money, and our money, by default. And by “money,” I mean sanity. He was wailing consistently, and we discovered that he had a little poop in his diaper. But he screamed through the diaper change, and for a LONG while after that. Nothing would resolve it. I finally left the room, as his screaming was starting to make me a little bit crazy, and he literally slow-crawled after me (yup, he walks ALL the time, but not this morning, apparently) and lay at my feet, continually wailing. No, picking him up, singing, walking him around, nothing did it. Yet, to church we went.

Guys, we tried. It was SUCH a hard morning. Brady was doing laps with Solly and if he even leaned over to whisper to one of us, Solly would squeal angrily or slap at the bench like a maniac. It was SO frustrating!!

Brady finally tried to join us, but Solly started screaming worse than before and I took my turn. He recovered fairly quickly, and I could tell he was tired. I had hopes that he would fall asleep on me like he did the other morning, but at home, when that had happened, he had been sitting on my lap, crying into my chest for a few minutes until he just petered out. In the church service, I don’t exactly have the option to let him cry for a few minutes. We tried briefly to rejoin the service but he just wrestled and thrashed like an animal and when I made him sit still, he started screaming. It just ground my brain into pieces and I fled the service once more. I walked past a few ladies standing at the back, who appeared to be drenched in compassion for me. I told them we shouldn’t have come today. One of them lovingly walked me over to the little back room kind of specifically set up for women and little babies to be in if they’re not up for the service that day. We found Solly a toy to hold, and she and I visited. Instead of playing, Solly finally fell asleep. He slept all slumped over on me through the whole service.

I could finally breathe a little, and while I admit we completely missed the message of the service, I had a really lovely chat with a friend about family, which is obviously one of my favorite topics of conversation 🙂 I rarely get to just sit and chat with this friend, so I solidly enjoyed spending that hour or so with her <3 And Solly thoroughly enjoyed his nap!

We made it home, had lunch, and we’re hoping the rest of the day goes somewhat smoothly. Rowan is napping, so that’s great. Solly is still wiped out, but who knows if he’ll sleep now that he napped through church. Dekker and Laela are having quiet time, but I’m wondering if we should’ve put Laela down for a nap :/ Whoops. And Dekker is off the wall. Has been ALL day. Its great to have energy, but I wonder when the crash will come. Hmmm…

All in all, it felt like a pretty chaotic morning, and I’m pretty tired. But, let’s hope this afternoon is a good reprieve for everyone so we can enjoy our evening at my parents place!

At the VERY least, I’m glad we went to church, if for no other reason than to just stay in the habit. And we’ll be there next week too, leading music!! Go, us!

I bought the LAST Christmas gift I was on the hook for today!! Our family ran in for an errand day, and accomplished so much! We made a few returns, bought groceries at three different places, finally got Laela some shirts that fit her properly (been putting off admitting that she’s grown) and I bought the one Christmas gift I had been avoiding, not wanting to go into the store that sold it. Lucky for me, I found a way around that, and still managed to pick up what I needed. It was very successful, and I feel totally accomplished.

The kids, as usual, loved the errand day. I don’t know what it is but they are SO into the hustle and bustle of running errands. It probably has something to do with people watching. I can’t fault them for that. I love it, too.

When we got home, I helped unpack some of the groceries, but soon went to call my mom to tip her off about some good deals that I found that I thought she might want to cash in on before Christmas. We also discussed food and plans for the Christmas holidays. Its coming up, guys! SOON! It feels a bit crazy, but I’m glad its coming. We need a little Christmas around here.

I’ll admit, now that we’re home, I am BUSHED. My body is sore and I’m dizzy. So funny how something SO little inside of me can wreak so much havoc on my body! Hahaha! Its ok. Worth it, obviously. No questioning that.

Worth it or not, can I spend the rest of the day in bed?

It has not been a smooth morning around here, and sadly, its pretty much all my fault. Its hard to own that kind of thing, but I am definitely FAR from perfect, so may as well admit it.

After such an exciting day yesterday, I had higher hoped for today. But of course, waking the kids from dead sleeps in the morning is always hard. They weren’t in the best shape, and I’m not in great shape on a good day, so we’re quite the family right now. Seriously, if its been a while since you’ve been around us, you’d notice the difference. We are all a bit ragged and grouchy. Christmas break can’t come soon enough. I am SO anticipating not setting my alarm, and on the days that the kids sleep past 8:00, actually being able to let them!!

The kids played fairly well this morning, with little issue. Our trouble came the moment anything was asked of them. And I mean anything. Our usually routine is the kids tidying toys up while I put lunch together. It happens that way every single day, but today, it was the end of the world. Despite all of the warnings (10 minutes, 5 minutes, 3 minutes, 1 more minute!) they seemed to be caught off guard by the time actually coming. Tidying came with weeping and fighting and the dragging of feet and gnashing of teeth. My. Goodness. I was not the example to follow this morning, as I sadly lost my cool and exploded at my children. As a clear headed individual would expect, that solved nothing, and it still took a million years for the toys to be returned to their places and the kids butts to be at the table.

Putting the boys down for naps amidst my quiet, embarrassed apologies is one of the worst things. I HATE doing that, but it would’ve been a great injustice had I not apologized for my behaviour. Solly snuggled into me, no problem, and seemed to feel like the air was clear. Rowan hugged me so tightly, told me he forgave me, and that he loved me. When I joined Laela back in the dining room, I apologized to her as well, and she gave me her token forgiveness face, when she tilts her head to one side, blinks her eyes more than seems natural, and nods. I told her I was sorry for yelling and being so harsh with her, and she forgave me and assured me that she loved me. Praise the Lord for my loving children, who are quick to forgive their ridiculously emotional/hormonal/rude/impulsive mother.

The air is clear, but I am now tired. More than my usual level of tired. Exhausted from how things played out today. Time to put my feet up and watch a movie with the girly. And drink some pop. Because I can’t stomach coffee right now, and we all know how badly I need a boost!

It turned out to be a great day for me and my little Bambino. I feel like the late post should show that, but I guess it could also indicate a bad day. Lucky for me, in this case, it was because of good things.

My mom was over this morning, which was SUCH a treat!! I feel like its been so so long. I usually see her a couple times a week, just for quick visits mostly, where she hangs around so I can take Dekker to school without having to take everyone along. But she caught a pretty vicious cold a while back and has been contagious and hacky and miserable for quite some time. But this morning, she was with us, and it was so welcomed! She stayed while Laela was at preschool, and while we visited, Solly fell asleep on me.

It hasn’t happened in so long, where he’s been so wiped out like this that he actually falls asleep with me, but I LOVED it. Sadly, it was pretty close to the time I needed to go get Laela, so he just got a shorty nap in 🙁 But he ate some lunch and had no problem going down again. Thank goodness! With that, Rowan napped like normal, and Laela came home from preschool in a pretty weepy/sleepy place, so they ALL napped! I love when that happens.

I crawled up into my own bed for a little while, and ate a snack with my medication. Guys, this mix from Costco. I can’t say enough good things about it. I’m going to eat the whole bag. I already told Brady. He doesn’t get any.

Its not overly mustardy at all, I promise. And the honey is SO sweet! You should really try it.

Around 12:30, my friend, Cher, popped over to help me out with something. You might remember from my Facebook post a while back, she did a beautiful project with me back in October. Just a few days ago, I was whining on here about kind of hating how my stomach looked, how it looked different than it did when I was pregnant with both Theo and Jamin. That I wasn’t showing the same way and I just felt poochy and belly-y. She offered to come and help me take some pictures, which I jumped all over! I won’t share (Cher! Get it?) any today, but maybe when I finally *gulp* crack out the series I’m putting off. We visited for a while first, and ate some pretzel mix. She’s fun to talk to, because we both have a lot to our lives, a lot to reminisce about, and we relate on a lot of things. I think I can safely say we enjoy each other’s company 😉 We had a really fun little session, and there was even talk of another project we may put together. Fun stuff ahead, guys!

Work called, so Cher was off, and not too long after that, Brady came home. He made it home nice and early, and helped me get the three nappers dressed and in the van to go get Dekker. I got him from class and we kind of hustled out to the van, because it was 3:15 and I had an ultrasound at 4:00!

As always happens, we made it with time to spare, and the place was empty. We took everyones boots and jackets off and they all made a beeline for the couches, magazines, etc. The receptionist was happy to see us and checked me in really quickly and informally. She encouraged us to pull out all the toys and books in the waiting room, but just in the nick of time, our lovely tech came to retrieve us. Right away, she interacted with Dekker, because she rarely sees him, with him usually being in school during my scans. He was friendly with her and she tousled his hair as we all went into the room together.

We got all set up and I lay down for my scan. I had to pee urgently, lol! I think it showed when I lifted my shirt and looked to be about six months along. I am NOT six months along. She put the wand on my abdomen, and then surprised me by quickly showing me a heartbeat before sending me off to the bathroom. “Just pee a little,” she said. I stared at her. “Just if you can, leave some in there. Pee a lot, its ok,” she changed her answer to. Magically, I succeeded at this, and peed “a lot” but left some in there. Lol! This is so much more information than you guys want to know… Aaaaanyway, I came back to the room to see our tech giving Solly high fives and playing with the kids. It was so lovely. I was far more comfortable, and we continued with the scan.

Guys, it was such a great ultrasound. I’m only 9 weeks 3 days along, but there was SO much to see! We saw tiny little arm buds, and we saw two little legs! We saw a nose!!! For the first time, we saw the cord, and we could watch the blood flowing through it. It was just amazing. Best of all, baby was wiggling! Noticeably wiggling!!! I cried, haha! Surprise! It has just been so exciting to see these tiny little stages, one after the other, and have that reassurance that at least, for now, the baby is doing EXACTLY what it should be!! For the specifics, baby is finally about an inch long 🙂 2.6 cms. And the heart rate keeps going up, and was at 176 bpm today! Everything. Was. Awesome.

She printed some pictures off for us again, and the receptionist gave us a big handful of Lindt chocolates on our way out. They are just SO good to us there ❤️ We have the best people!

We had a simple grilled cheese supper upon arriving home, and closed the day off with some fun music videos on YouTube that the kids like the dance to. Not Solly today, though. He was still so wiped out, he just sat with me and chewed his feet like an animal.

All the kids are in bed now, and I am BEAT. Its been an amazing day, but I’m wiped out, and the bubble bath is calling my name… I have the grab some of that pretzel mix first, though! Seriously, guys, it doesn’t disappoint. If you buy it and hate it, you can always drop it off over here…

I have a small handful of Christmas commitments on the books through the month, and today knocked one of them off! My friend, Carrie, and I were recruited to sing some songs, as well as lead a few songs, to a group of women from town. There is a ladies event that runs once a week at our church, and this was their annual Christmas brunch. Door prizes, music, and amazing food were the order of the morning.

We were fairly well practiced and for the most part, the music went off without much issue. I’ll admit I choked on one song, and by “choked,” I mean I choked up hard, and my crying made Carrie cry. Lol! Thats what happens when you ask two pregnant women to lead emotional things!! It was fine 😉 They’re a warm, loving bunch, and there was NO judgement.

I think the real winner of the morning was that hashbrown casserole, though. Myyyyy goodness. The quiche, fruit, cheese, pastry, etc. was also amazing, but I could’ve eaten my body weight in those hashbrowns. Ridiculous.

A close second to the hasbrowns were the AMAZING crew of willing childcare providers who played with ALL of the kids, while the rest of us sat and visited and smelled candles and yes, ate hashbrowns. Laela and Rowan had zero issue going to play downstairs. Solly had a little cry, but bounced back nice and quickly, and apparently was pretty independent from then on. My kids, though… 😍 Love them.

Carrie and I were both given these beautiful floral arrangements as gifts for singing, which was a lovely gesture! The kids love it so much, and I just put it out. We should really decorate more. They love when we do. But the arrangement is white carnations, with lots of greenery, Christmas ball ornaments, and pinecones. Its SO wintery and festive and I love it.

Now for a lazy afternoon, watching some Magic School Bus with Laela, and hopefully finding some food soon. I’m not going to lie. All I want are hashbrowns…

Its been a lovely, full day. I feel like its really no use to actually schedule my days out, because they change constantly. So far, however, today has turned out well 🙂

I helped out at preschool this morning. Laela is SO lively at home but pretty stone faced at preschool. Today on the drive, she informed me that she was going to sing along to the songs, and maybe do some actions. Like, I’m not kidding that she never does that kind of thing. She intentionally holds it back, which is fine, I guess. But I know what a livewire she is and I wished she’d just let loose sometimes! This morning, she made good on her promise, and waved her hands and giggled/sang through the songs. Finally!! It was great to see her free herself up a bit.

The morning went by quickly, and we headed home. Brady’s schedule had changed yesterday, so he was home today, and he got lunch together and set the kids up to eat. Not too long after the little boys had gone down, a friend invited Laela and I over for a playdate/cheesecake date. Obviously, we accepted, and drove on over for treats and a visit. It was SO good to just relax together with friends. Meanwhile, Brady happily stayed home and worked on a quote for a job he’s pricing out for a friend.

We stayed at our friends house until it was time to get Dekker from school, so I brought Laela along with me. She was pretty excited to be at the school, and to scope it out for when its her turn to go there. When Dekker exited his classroom, Laela right away opened her arms wide for a hug <3 It completely melted my heart!! Can they do that kind of thing forever?? Probably not, haha! But I can dream. It was a super sweet greeting.

We headed home from school and Brady started homework with the kids. By “homework” I mean Dekker’s actual homework and Laela’s workbook that she insists on doing every day! She LOVES practicing her letters! That girl is such a keener.

This evening, Brady is going to join some guys from the church for an evening of wings and hottubbing, and I think I’ll wrap some Christmas presents! They’ve all been sitting in my closet in a big pile for a while now, and now a stack of “wrapping worthy” boxes have accumulated beside the bed. Its time to get some of this clutter dealt with! Though there could be worse clutter than Christmas clutter!!!

I had every intention to start my blog series today. I was actually pretty excited about it, too! I have a name picked, and a few topics sort of laid out. But because of a few dumb (yes, I know they’re dumb) hangups, I’m not ready to start :/ Ugh. I AM ready, but I’m not. Its so frustrating to be in my head.

Hangup number one is that I can’t figure out how to take a belly picture. I remember how surprised I was that I was showing at 8 weeks with Theo, and then relieved to show so early again with Jamin. It made things feel a bit more real. Real talk here. I haven’t lost any of my baby weight I gained in my pregnancy with Jamin. If nothing else, I’ve probably gained a little. I’m NOT saying my body is bad, or ugly, or whatever else. But its different. I’m thicker than I was, about 15 lbs up from where I started my pregnancy with Jamin. So I don’t have a bump yet. Except the general bump that is my stomach. It wouldn’t really make sense to take a picture. I can’t really figure out how I feel about all of that, so because I’m hung up on taking a side shot of my new, thicker frame, and I don’t want to post my first series post with no picture, it waits.

Hangup number two is more relevant to me, and more honest with you. I’m just scared :/ Plain old scared. The last few weeks, I’ve been having ultrasounds on Mondays. This week, I booked my ultrasound for Thursday. Because I haven’t seen that baby’s heart today, I’m nervous to post. I know none of it would be my fault, but what if I started the series, and found out just days later that the baby was gone?? I hated closing off my last series so early, and I know that can happen at any time, so I can’t totally protect myself from that, but I’m seeing that its going to take more balls to actually start this one. Sigh.

So I’m feeling a tad discouraged, but Brady’s work schedule just shifted and he’s coming home early today and is home tomorrow! Surprise!!! I’m so glad <3 This week was shaping up to feel a litle daunting, so this helps a little.

Sorry for dropping the ball on this series. Maybe next week.

If any of you have ever been on a sleep aid, you’ve probably noticed that it changes your sleep cycles a little bit. The medication that pregnant women can take during pregnancy is actually sold over the counter in the states under a different name, and its marketed as a sleep aid. And WOW, does it deliver. While it takes the edge off of my nausea (which I am super grateful for) it leaves me feeling pretty out to lunch most days. Last week was the most fatigued I’ve felt so far in this pregnancy, and really, in any pregnancy that I can remember. I’ve been dozing off in the days and falling asleep in the evenings VERY early. When it is finally bedtime, I fall asleep easily, but my sleep is restless and choppy. Waking up is HARD, and I hit the snooze button at least twice every morning, something that I didn’t ever do before this week. And when I do drag myself out of bed, I throw on the clothes closest to me, stumble my way downstairs and take – you guessed it! My sleeping pill. Because if I don’t, I’d be sick as a dog. Or sicker. I don’t know. I don’t have a dog…

So, now that you know how my day-to-day looks, I’ll talk about this morning. I was up at least four times last night, thought it could’ve been more. I definitely remember four times. In between that, there were many time I remember thinking “How long have I been awake?” So I don’t know if those are long stretches of time, or just multiple wakings, or maybe I’m just sleeping light. I remember this in my last pregnancy, too. I slept the nights up, exhausted, and disoriented. Its pretty challenging, and coffee isn’t sitting especially well these days. At least not until I’ve been up for a few hours. So this morning, I woke up after my restless night and we decided to go to church this morning. I couldn’t bear to drag my butt out of bed until I absolutely had to, so there was no shower for me. My stringy, disgusting, neglected hair was thoroughly doused in dry shampoo and braided to the side to help me appear human. I put on makeup, but realized as I was leaving that I had forgotten both concealer and lipstick. This girl needed concealer today, and if you know me, you know I love lipstick. If you do nothing else, do lips, and you look put together. And I did not.

We made our way to church, 5/6 washed and dressed in clean clothes, and then there was me. I’m sure everyone noticed just how zombie I looked. A little ways into church, I was able to stomach some coffee, and I ate a crushed bag of Ritz bits out of the bottom of the diaper bag. Because, desperation. I’ll be the first to admit that I was NOT set up for church today.

But we all lived, and church was good. Its always lovely to be back in our loving church community, learning of the needs of people, some that I can even help with. Its good to hug our friends that we only seem to see on Sundays. Its good to participate in some decision making as church members. It was good to listen to our pastors teachings, and sing along to the worship music prepared. Its always fulfilling to go to church.

Let’s be honest. I feel pretty out to lunch today, and am in worse shape than I would be had we not gone to church. But its always good to remember that we don’t have to be at the top of our game to go and receive church as its offered, to put into the church, and to fellowship with the people we love. God promises to give us rest, and you’d better believe I feel weary, and eager to accept that rest.

This morning, while setting up some music with a friend, a song brought a thought forward to me, and I feel the need to hash it out a little.

Its almost Christmas. Looking back to where I was last Christmas has been a hard thing for me over the last couple of weeks. Last Christmas, we told the kids we were pregnant with our little schnookums, Theo. I was 8 weeks when we told them. Little did we know, we stopped growing just days later, and lived in my womb for another 3-ish weeks before we found out he was gone. But we were eight weeks pregnant at Christmas. This year, we’ll hopefully be 12 weeks pregnant. Hopefully. While I know there has been more to this year than our sorrow alone, its easy to look at this year and think that, in 52 weeks, we only moved 4 weeks further ahead. And thats IF we keep moving ahead. Its felt like a year of back pedalling. Two weeks forward, 18 weeks back, 17 weeks forward, 10 weeks back, 8 weeks forward… We need more forward weeks.

Trust me, friends. I know there is more to life than having babies. I was so ignorant and unknowing about things like infertility or infant loss until I began having children and learned of how many people just ache for them, but haven’t been able to have them, for one reason or another. There are also many people who live amazing, fulfilling lives and who don’t want children. I’m not saying having babies is the end all and be all. Not everyone HAS to have children. I cannot stress this enough. I do NOT think my life is more important than yours! Hear me in this! But guys, my heart is there. My heart just hurts for a big family, and sometimes I forget just how good I have it. I do see it, I promise.

We have moved forward this year. More than just four weeks. Its hard to see past what we lost and pinpoint what we’ve gained. I won’t lie. I have a hard time nailing done what we’ve accomplished, but I know those details are there. Dekker and Laela accepted Jesus into their hearts this year, and I know that our experience losing Theo played a large role in that. It also eased their precious hearts when we lost Jamin a few months after that. The talk of salvation and Jesus and Heaven has been exciting for everyone around here, and if that’s all we “gained” this year, I’d say thats a pretty good takeaway.

There are still a few more weeks to make December great, and to “gain ground” in our lives. I know that opportunity never goes away, but its easy to remember where you were at the same time last year. How far have you guys come? <3