The Daily Hailey

Today was my first day on my own with all three kids. The Readers Digest version of the story is that the day was incredibly smooth. We just had a lazy downstairs kind of day, and Rowan had lots of wakeful time. The kids did great though, and I even got a few chores started. It felt like a very normal day. When Dekker and Laela went down for their nap, Rowan continued to be awake. It took quite a while before he fell asleep, but he does so very easily and on his own, which is pretty much a godsend. It was once all three were asleep that I realized how exhausted I was, and I made use of my time in the way of a catnap. I never nap in the day, but I definitely needed one today. Brady came home at a good time to find everyone still tucked away, and helped me out for the rest of the evening by being present, and also bringing supper home. Dekker was incredibly helpful and fed Rowan a bottle. No stretch there. He successfully sat beside Rowan in his bouncy chair and fed him all he would drink from it, asking for a burp cloth when “Oops! Wowan spilled a little.” It was an incredibly lovely day, and I’m happy to have had my first day home alone with the kids be a Friday. Broke me in slowly 🙂

Its been a very eye opening week and a half with Rowan. I’ve touched on it before, and I want to say it again. I feel healthy, and like I’m at a very reasonable place in my recovery after giving birth. I know my limits, I promise. I’m not just pushing myself constantly on adrenaline. I’m not on the road to burning out. I genuinely feel good. Because of how great I feel, I now realize how sick I was after having Laela. (Don’t get me wrong, my sweet girl. If you ever read this down the line, I love you to pieces, and what I’m talking about has nothing to do with how I feel about YOU. I LOVE YOU. Your birth was just scary for me. I learned a lot.) In the weeks and months that followed Laela’s delivery, i struggled pretty hard. I wasn’t especially private about it, but I mostly just talked about how I constantly replayed her birth over and over in my head. It was true, that was exactly what I did, but I didn’t see what else was happening to me. I stopped being able to cry. Instead, I would get really angry. And you can ask Brady, we fought a ton, and I’m confident that most of it was me picking the fights. I wouldn’t do much on my own unless I absolutely had to. Granted, I had other things on my plate. Dekker had his surgery and became incredibly afraid of people and public places. Work was slow and money was tight. The list goes on. But I was at my absolute worst to be able to handle it. I did seek help and started seeing a counsellor, who was great, and I was able to feel considerably better about Laela’s birth in good time, but I didn’t realize there was more damage that had been done that needed repair.

God knew, because He allowed Brady and I to get pregnant with our third baby!! And my goodness, what healing my beautiful Rowan Toby has brought our family already! One obvious aspect of healing is in the actual act of labor and delivery. I had no idea what to expect this time around, and while I know it will be different every time, I have seen how incredible and dare I say even EASY that it can be! I don’t expect to have such an easy go round every time from now on, but I know that they don’t all have to be scary and out of control. But in a much bigger way, I can just tell in all of our demeanours that we are in way better shape this time around. Even our rough nights are ok, and Brady and I are more than happy to tag team, rather than one or both of us getting snippy with the other. I feel more rested overall, frankly. While our house is in paint/reno mode, we’ve managed to keep it relatively organized, and haven’t fallen behind on our regular chores. I think last time around, my mom was coming out to do laundry. I did laundry today! And lived to tell about it! I’m sure not judging anyone who has outside help, because I have a TON! But last time, I think someone was in my house helping me with my kids every day for over a month before I had to be a grown up and learn how. This was eleven days, and I felt more than comfortable.

I’m sure some of you are reading this thinking “Ya, of course you’re more comfortable, he’s your third.” And I’m sure some of this is that! But I’m choosing to praise God through everything, because I feel healed. Or at least healing. Both are wonderful things. All in all, I know there will be days that I’ll tear out my hair, but I think everyone has those! Even people who don’t have kids. So I will thank God for mine, and tear out a bit less hair than I did before, when I was such a mess.