- PLEASE, friends, be sensitive. Only show love. Some of this stuff is so uncomfortable for me to share, yet its kind of been a big deal for me this year, and I’d like to talk about it, and have it on record in my blog books as something I experienced. Be gentle.
So. I’m shrinking.
If you’ve known me long enough, you know I’ve always been very petite. It really isn’t a big deal. Its just how its been. I’ve maintained a small figure through having kids, but my body has obviously changed a lot with that.
When you get pregnant, your baby takes up a lot of space, and therefore, your organs have to move around, pushing up into your ribcage. Because of this, while I never carried much extra weight between pregnancies, my bone structure widened a bit. This was actually kind of a relief for me, because it made clothes a lot easier to buy. Bras, specifically. The smallest band size you can find in a common chain store is 32, and that never fit quite right. Once my ribs bulked up a little, it did, and it was SO nice to have bras that fit properly!! It was easier to find shirts as well. Things were just a little simpler when I was closer to “average” size.
You probably all know that we’ve been wanting more kids, and for whatever reason, its not working so smoothly. Its been about 2.5 years since Waverly was born, and it appears that this year, my body has decided to go back to its original size and shape. My ribs are getting smaller, my hips are getting smaller, and any semblance of “meat” that I once carried is on the way out.
Which, don’t get me wrong, is very cool!! Good job, body! You’re amazing!
But is also a huge pain in the butt, because I’d far rather put another baby in there.
Now everything I own is oversized.
And I always look like a slob.
It became very apparent that this was starting in Spring. My jeans just sagged. They were horrid. And all of my shirts were maternity, which had fit fine, until they didn’t, and at that point, I just felt sad that it had been a year and a half with no successful pregnancy. So while covid was in full swing and we had no extra money to spend, we afforded me a handful of new shirts, so I didn’t feel as messy and sloppy all summer. As well, I had a pair of jean shorts that were a bit snug on me the season before that now fit like a glove. YES! That improved my quality of life more than I ever thought it would. When I finally bit the bullet and bought new underwear, the world changed! I know it all sounds a bit stupid, but it was incredible. I felt SO much better having clothes that fit!
But it kept happening. I’ve dropped 10-15 lbs this year, but have changed nothing about my eating. I assure you, I am healthy. Please don’t say I look sick, its actually quite hurtful. Its been confirmed by health care professionals. And I’ve seen the change in my bone structure. It was shockingly evident in fall when I finally hit up Value Village for a pair of jeans when mine were sagging horribly, even with leggings underneath.
Undeniable change in structure, don’t you agree? Its not about losing fat necessarily, but about my bones moving. Completely out of my control! With that, of course, some fat has dissipated in my arms, legs, and sides. Its noticeable, and its bananas.
Don’t get me wrong. I think its crazy cool that my body can produce five children, be pregnant countless more times, and somehow still go back. I am smaller now than when I graduated high school 14 years ago. I’m grateful that its doing this, and I can feel healthy and nice. But consider the other side of the coin, where I don’t want to be done having children yet. How dare my body do this now, when I want it to carry more little people?? It is so amazing, but so unfair.
Its been a strange season of life, where my body is changing a TON, yet my emotions surrounding it are such a mess. I’m so thankful, and so hurt. Excited, and mad. As was discussed by this post Cher and I put together a while back, I couldn’t really talk about it, either, for fear of judgement and criticism. Doesn’t everyone want this?? First world problems? Yes, yes, I know. But you simply can’t always know what’s below the surface.
Aaaaanyway. I own jeans that fit now. Thank you, skinny girls, for donating your American Eagle jeans that I couldn’t otherwise afford to Value Village! Still on the hunt for leggings that are tight. Thats about it!
The ridiculous journey continues…
My mama heart aches with you, my beautiful daughter. I love you.