The Daily Hailey

This entire blog post goes against my grain. All of it. The content. The honesty. The pictures. Oooh, the pictures! I asked Cher to photoshop my body, and then reluctantly changed my mind, because that is exactly what we’re talking about here. My body.

It goes against my grain to talk openly about stuff I have always been told to shut up about. But I’m going to talk about it today anyway…. 

WE are going to talk about it. Cher and I are both going to discuss the double standards on body shame, but in order to feel truly heard on my end, I feel it is necessary for her to begin: 

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I have never been what you would call a “skinny” or “small” girl. As a kid, I was healthy and slim, but I wasn’t known for my slender size, so I never really understood what that felt like. I still don’t honestly know what that feels like. It SOUNDS like it would be flattering because don’t we ALL wish we had a fast metabolism and a small cute figure? 

In my mind, the only time you don’t want to be known for your size is when you’re overweight. But at the same time, NO ONE will ever tell you that you are overweight, at least not to your face. I will get told I am “curvy” or “beautiful” or people will completely deny that I’m bigger because they CANT tell me that. Even if I was SUPER unhealthy or developed poor coping mechanisms and probably needed some help. 

Why? Because that’s SERIOUSLY RUDE! And none of their business. So then how come we get to walk around shaming women for being thin and telling them that they don’t have real bodies? Or being upset with them because we have to work HARD to be a size 8, and they can eat ice cream and burgers and stay a size 4? No one shames thin men who can’t gain weight. We feel bad for them, in fact. So why would we be upset with women who have naturally high metabolisms? 

As a bigger girl who has gained a lot of weight in the recent years due to trauma, grief, and school, I have NEVER felt ashamed of myself for being best friends with someone who is effortlessly thin. Her weight has nothing to do with me and affects me not at all. I think it is AMAZING that she has five kids and still keeps a small figure. I am often telling her how cute she is, how pointy her knees are, and lovingly poking her and teasing her. But guess what! She can’t poke me and tease me about having fat. (I mean she totally could, we are very comfortable with each other and would laugh) But we are taught that being thicker is shameful, yet we call that a REAL body. And being thin is desired but “screw the skinny people who don’t have to work for it.”

When I hug her, she apologizes when I feel her ribs. She THANKS me for not being grossed out by her. She is genuinely shocked when I talk to her about my weight issues, because she isn’t allowed to speak about her own body and she just loves that we can be open. She thanks me for listening to her and ACCEPTING her size.

She is afraid when she complains about anything at ALL about her body and says sorry over and over. How is that okay?

And it isn’t just her. LOTS of thin women feel that way who have opened up to me over the years. Why are we intimidated by these women? They aren’t showing off or bragging. They aren’t putting US down, so why are we mad at them? Why can’t we be happy for them and say “I am so thankful that we don’t share the same struggles” because I promise you that they DO care about us and our struggles even though they aren’t living it. But you don’t need to hear it from me, you can hear it from her:

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Being small was a novelty when I was young. It didn’t define me, but it was a notable detail that I tended to be “the small one.’ In our small town, I was quite sheltered, and never worried too much about my size or the shape of my body. I was young, and built to look young. And I was happy about that. 

That changed as I aged, moved out, and was around different people. At age eighteen, a tall, gorgeous, glamorous girl teased me about having thin legs: “Men like women with more meat on their bones” she said, as she looked at me with pity on her face. That was my first real memory of being confronted and made to feel bad about being small. 

Its progressed from there, into adulthood. The eye rolls. The poor service at clothing stores trying to avoid the fact that their entire store is too big for me. Bigger girls are allowed to be frustrated when they can’t find clothes that fit, but smaller girls are not. The “I’d have five kids if I looked like you, too.” The assumptions that I diet to no end. The quiet comments to my husband asking if I’m unwell. But almost NEVER a “Wow, you look great!” It was always negative. Never positive. So I learned to keep my mouth shut. And that my friends, is not fair.

As a skinny girl, I’m stuck in the middle of a bizarre conflict. I am not allowed to be secure or insecure about my body. I cannot celebrate or mourn. I cannot be grateful or dissatisfied. 

If I am happy with my body, its viewed as a form of fat shame. People just SEE my size and, by default, put themselves down. Strangers, anywhere, will comment on my body. The wide, disbelieving eyes. I constantly feel guilty about my size because I do not have to work for my body.

When I shared on the blog that I was back down to pre-pregnancy size by two weeks, I felt victorious! And I was met by comments that said “Good for you for not struggling with something everyone else struggles with.” No joy. Just guilt. Genetics have been gentle on me. But why should that matter? Why am I not allowed to be happy?? Because my body makes others feel lesser than. 

If I’m unhappy with my body, that is wrong too. Because doesn’t evvvvveryone want to be thin?? I am not allowed to be insecure about my physical details like everyone else. I have wrinkles on my tummy that make my belly button look like it has a moustache. I have stretch marks on my butt and my legs. My boobs sit a heck of a lot lower than they once did. But I don’t get to express those frustrations like everyone else does, because I don’t carry extra weight.

All bodies are beautiful, that goes without saying. No one should need that pep talk anymore. But thin girls are “real women” too. The “mom bod” isn’t always soft and round. Sometimes, its thin, with abs, and some crepey skin overtop.

The fact that my genetics allow me to be a smaller woman doesn’t mean I’m less of a mom.

Or less of a woman.

And it doesn’t make YOU less of a woman either! 

Building people up doesn’t tear you down. 

Someone else achieving something doesn’t discount your achievements. 

Celebrating someone else doesn’t make YOU unimportant. 

I am allowed to be grateful for my body. I am ALLOWED to be thankful that I don’t carry extra weight and that I can eat treats without worry. That I can exercise, or not exercise, but that my life keeps me active. I’m also thankful for the brain that I have, that has kept me grounded, and a healthy relationship with my food, where I don’t use it for self soothing or celebrating. I’ve never been a big eater, but my frame has always been small, so I didn’t need to be. I unwittingly learned self discipline through our habits at home, where we didn’t snack much at all, and never overate. I feel so blessed, but I feel ashamed of my blessings. 

To finish this lengthy post, we both just want to highlight the importance of being mindful that words are powerful. Words have the power to bring life or death. Use your words to make the world more beautiful. When you make someone else feel good, you make yourself feel good by default. It has been scientifically proven. Just because someone is thin, doesn’t mean they have unbreakable confidence. Just because someone is a little thicker, doesn’t mean they are unhappy.

“People are just as wonderful as sunsets if you let them be. When I look at a sunset, I don’t find myself saying, “Soften the orange a bit on the right hand corner.” I watch it with awe as it unfolds.”
-Carl R. Rogers