I can’t believe I don’t have a before picture. My goodness. SUCH a lame oversight. But alas, here we are, in the “after” stage. Not even talking talking about the basement. Talking about the living room. This is the “before.”

So. Its not done done, but if we wait for that, it’ll still be a long time before you see it. So I guess this isn’t even “after.” During. Progress. Whatever. 

Aaaaanyway! As things are slowly starting to come together at the house, I’ve been itching to make the upstairs make better sense. Now, this isn’t a great picture, but we’re going with it. We had just moved the bulk of the toys downstairs so the place was a lot more open. We were just testing out the coffee table in there and trying to decide what looks best where. Since then, we’ve moved the little recliner downstairs, but otherwise, the same stuff lived upstairs. Its looked a little weird at times, with some areas being cluttered and some being too empty. So this morning, we tried something new and moved it around. And guys. Its SO much better!!!

Isn’t it pretty?? So we have the couch and recliner on the long wall, and the pink chair and love seat along the railing. We need another little white table between those ones next time we’re at IKEA. With the love seat moving, we could put the bookshelves back against the piano.

Now there is a nice stretch of wall for what we’ve been wanting it for! We’d like to have our guitars out, and we’ll ideally have this tall cabinet next to the water cooler eventually, to store the very few knick knacky things we have, and to break up the big long wall a bit. 

Once ALL of that makes sense, we’ll be able to think about what to finally put up on the walls. Thats a whole other post 😉 But for the sake of this post, can you see how nice its starting to look??? Ack!

The question for YOU, my friends, is coffee table? Or nah? Its nice to have, and it all looks pretty cozy, but it takes up space unnecessarily, and isn’t especially practical, considering the toddler we possess. What do you guys think? Besides the obvious, that its awesome in every way. We already know this 😉 

I took a night away. It was SO refreshing. I feel selfish saying it was necessary, because I know I’ve been riding a “break” all week while Brady has been home and I have been resting my body upstairs. But Cher and I planned a long while ago that I would come over for what we’ve been calling “teenager sleepover.” And that was last night!

Brady and I took the kids in first for a Costco shop. I don’t remember the last time we did Costco all together as a family. It was really cute. 

We did Superstore next, but didn’t get a whole lot. We grabbed toilet paper and creamer and got out of there. I was pretty eager to get to teenager sleepover! We grabbed some Subway for Cher and I on the way. 

It was SUCH a nice day with her. We watched some movies, along with one of the terrifying true crime documentaries on Netflix 🙀 We ate so many yummy things, and got in lots of good snugs! We went to sleep SO late, but that only makes sense for teenager sleepover, right? 

Our morning held some tv (Schitt Creek is leaving Netflix March 1st! Binge watch while you can!), more snugs, and breakfast in bed.

Yes. We have matching onesies. 

Yes. We’re dorks. 

We tried to get up and go a handful of times, but it took until the early afternoon before we finally surfaced, packed up some stuff, and headed to the car. Yes. We did wear the onesies outside. 

All in all, it was SO nice to have a whole day away with Cher. We just rested, and relaxed, with zero expectations or deadlines. I’ve been missing her a lot these days, not seeing her even close to as often as I usually have the pleasure of, so this was really, really nice. 

Meanwhile, while I was away, Brady worked on reloading our laptop (any laptop nerds able to help us with a keyboard issue, PLEASE message me!) and he set up his drum kit for the kids to play on! 

Its cool to see which kids lean towards what interests. One of our children in particular has a pretty incredible natural rhythm, and expressed an interest in learning the drums. 

I’m really looking forward to having our children help lead worship someday. 

Its been SUCH a nice weekend so far. I hope you all feel the same.

So. Funny story. 

Yesterday, I was upstairs after supper, and Dekker called up.

“Dad?” he called. “Can you come down here for a second?”

Brady and I finished our conversation quick and he headed down to see what Dekker needed. Dekker informed him that he had lost a tooth! Woot! Laela migrated upstairs to see what she was missing the celebration for.

Except, Dekker went on, it was lost. Like, LOST lost. Now that is a less than ideal situation when one has a baby who eats every little spec of anything she finds on the floor (like a puppy) and ideally, she wouldn’t eat a tooth. Brady did a quick glance around and picked up a tooth form the carpet. 

“Here it is, Dekker,” he said. 

“No,” Laela said, taking it from him. “Thats mine.” 

Aaaaand it was. 

Laela, too, had lost a tooth. Which was SO bizarre. We all had a good laugh as they bled into Kleenexes in the living room, but it pretty quickly had to switch to a search party. Where was Dekker’s tooth. Where had he been when he lost his tooth?

Well, apparently he discovered it was missing downstairs. So down we went. No dice. He wandered around, seemingly trying to replay it in his head. He wandered into the bathroom and suddenly, it seemed like his brain clicked. The upstairs bathroom!

Up to the bathroom we went. Nope. Nada. Nowhere. Did it get flushed? Go down the sink? Wait, no! He clicked again. The entrance. It had to have been the entrance, or near the stairs. 

So our mob moved in that’s direction. But it was clear he just didn’t remember. I went to go look under the table. Supper had been over for a good 15-20 minutes at this point, but thats a reasonable place to lose a tooth, right? Right. 

Turns out it was the worst day to LOSE lose a tooth, because after a supper of eggs and toast, little bits of egg white were here and there, all over the floor, all of them looking very tooth-like. Yet, I stooped to their level and was able to decipher one egg white bit that was more tooth-like than the others. So tooth-like, in fact, that it turned out to be the (not so) missing tooth!! Yay!!

I don’t think of us as a particularly large family, though I’m not dumb, and obviously our family is larger than “average.” But this felt like a “large family” event somehow, haha! Simultaneously losing teeth! Whats next?? 

One day, I’m going to update the blog about what everyone is up to, but these days, I know its very Hailey heavy and Dekker heavy. Its just a season of struggle for some of us, I suppose. But today is a Dekker story, so at least you have a little break from talking about me! Lol!

Poor Dekker. He’s back into normalcy this week, walking to school, going out for recess, participating in most everything. And today, he got his first scare since his break. I knew it would happen, because any little bump or jostle really sets him off. They rarely actually hurt, but they scare him. And today, it finally happened at school. 

Dekker got hurt on the slide today. Of course it was the slide 🙄 Why wouldn’t it be the slide? But he was going down, and without warning, someone flew down the slide behind him and rammed into his back. Just kids sliding. Nothing new. But he FREAKED. 

The office admin called me and started with “Hi Hailey… I don’t know…” She was at a loss. He wasn’t in pain, but he was very very upset. She was very careful to tell me she was obviously not a doctor, but that Dekker was using his arm and shoulder and seemed totally fine, but completely out of sorts. I asked if I should be coming to get him, and even he didn’t seem sold on that. He just wanted to sit at the office and cool off. She he did. He ended up taking his math work and doing it in the office, as well. He was carrying a textbook, concentrating on his work, etc. He was fine. But I received a call about a half hour later saying he really wanted to come home. So we brought him one. Only one hour left of the school day. Or the school week, really. No school tomorrow. 

Its hard for me to judge. I don’t want to be a mom who comes running and takes her kid home after a scraped knee or a slip and fall. But I also want to be sensitive to just needing to be away. I had those days in school, and my mom was always understanding of it. That’s not to say I just got to stay home whenever I felt like it, but there were days where I (pardon my millenialism) just couldn’t even. So I stayed home. And Dekker has been truly enjoying being back at school, but today, he needed to come home early. 

I asked him if he was really hurt, or really scared, and he admitted easily, immediately that he had gotten really scared. And I can feel with that. Of course it was back on a slide, and I have no doubt he was just imagining that collarbone break all over again. I’d want to come home, too. 

Judgement calls are hard. I may have five kids but I’ve only been doing this mom thing for about 8.5 years. I’m no expert. I hope one day I’m more confident in these decisions, but today, I’m at peace. 

My mom invited me over for lunch today. I’ve been wallowing in a bit of self pity, feeling cabin feverish, yet being annoying unable to do just about anything. I’m having a very hard time deciphering what is affecting what, pain wise, and as far as I can tell, upping my movement in any way causes more pain. So as I sulked upstairs in my bed, watching my one millionth YouTube video, my mom texted and asked if she could pick me up for lunch. YES!

It was so nice ❤️ She warmed up some yummy soup noodles (my favorite) with some shredded chicken Alfredo sauce, and we had raspberries on the side. It was SO delicious, and so warm and cozy. We ended up spending a couple more hours together, just the two of us. It was a really nice time. My mom has been helping me a lot in the recent weeks, but rarely has it been just me and her. This was a treat. 

Meanwhile, the big kids were at school, the little kids napped, and Brady did some little jobs and then he himself let down and relaxed a little bit. He’s definitely earned rest! 

I’m home again, and while the same discouragement are still here, I feel somewhat renewed. A change of scenery works wonders, and I’m so grateful to have gotten out of my house for a couple of hours. Thank you for inviting me, mom!

I’ll get another change of scenery in a couple of days 🙂 I’ll tell you all about it later. 

Dekker is officially back at walking to school! It was time. There were factors. 

Factor number one was that Laela was getting a bit spoiled, haha! When we’d talk about getting back into the swing of walking to school, she’d whine that she didn’t waaaaant to. So, it was definitely time for her to start walking again. Maybe we should’ve driven Dekker but made Laela walk 😂 I’m just kidding. Or am I? 🤔 

Factor two was Dekker’s backpack. I didn’t know when he’d be able to wear one again. I’ve mentioned before that it seems all of this collarbone stuff is a judgement call, and man, I’ve had a hard time making those calls! I’ve been reassured along the way that Dekker and I together will be able to make those decisions, based on his physical and emotional comfort level. I’ve dreaded those decisions, but I admit, they really have been clear as the time as come. When Dekker didn’t need medication anymore. When Dekker was done with his sling. When it made sense to send Dekker back into a rowdy group of kids, whether thats recess, Sunday school, kids club, etc. And now, wearing a backpack. 

It seems small, but I was nervous of the inevitable weight pulling on his collarbone. But just a few days ago, I could tell we were there. 

I have this curiosity about the bump on his collarbone. Its pretty prominent, and I regularly poke at it, and run my fingers along both sides of his collarbone, to judge if it’s changing or shrinking or if it’ll always be there. The other day I was really bugging it, rubbing all of the sides of it, and pressing on it. And then I realized what I was doing!! I stopped the moment my brain clued in and I apologized to Dekker. He looked at me kind of confused, and I said I shouldn’t be pushing on the part of his collarbone that broke, and he laughed at me and told me it didn’t hurt. 

“Really??” I asked. Being the loving mother I am, I pressed harder, and he just shook his head. I finally kind of thumped him in the chest like I do, and he giggled and shook his head. Nope. No pain in that spot anymore. At asked him if he figured he could wear his backpack on his back like normal, and if he’d walk to school. 

“Ya, probably.” 

That was that! 

So that happened today!! 

He was completely fine!! I’m so relieved that so much in his body is going back to normal ❤️ It was hard to watch my little tender-heart go through such a tough thing, but as per usual, he’s rocked it SO gracefully. 

I am SO thankful for the support we’ve received from our friends, church, and his teachers at school. He felt SO important and cared for through these last three weeks, and I think he’s secretly loved the attention 😉 

We’re all SO happy for your healing, Dekker!

Waverly and I skipped church yesterday. Church is pretty hard for me these days, greatly because of hauling kids around on the benches, carrying Wavy in and out, etc. Just generally doing more than my body should be doing these days. On the days where Brady takes the four kids, I have a pretty easy gig here at home.

We have toys in the basement now, so Wavy and I made our way down there to play. We had a whole new world down there, with the toys and games and puzzles all out for the kids to see, and Wavy wanted to play with something new. I pulled down a homemade version of dominos that I bought years ago out of a thrift store, and dumped them out. Let the games begin. 

She LOVES the dominos. I’d line them up and they’d knock over and she’s giggle away. She liked just simply unpacking the box and packing it back up while I entertained myself by making lines and towers with them. She was entertained by my building, but had no interest in knocking anything down. 

When she finally decided to interact with my towers, she just wanted to disassemble them. It didn’t work out, and the tower fell over. And that was ok. But it was clearly not what she wanted. 

As the morning pressed on, she got tired and grouchy. She would want to come up, but didn’t have the gumption to climb up onto my lap on the couch, so I’d have to haul her up, which I love, but also hurts me a lot. I’d haul her up, and she’d struggle to flip over and over, trying to find a comfy spot. Then she’d either smack at my glasses or try to take my phone. I’d ask her to stop, or take my phone back from her, and she’d have a little fussy fit and slide herself off the couch. Which she would then regret about 2.5 seconds later. And then she’d fuss to climb up, and I’d have to haul her up, yet again, and the vicious cycle would start all over again. I know, its standard toddler stuff. But man its taxing when your body hurts so badly. Finally, she and I were just frustrated with one another. 

Lol! It was pretty funny, actually 😆 

Don’t worry. There is no love lost ❤️ Yesterday morning was a challenging one, where I felt I couldn’t do everything for Waverly that I would’ve liked. But we got some excellent face time in the morning, and I think thats more important than how it ended. 

1. Consuming more coffee than food in a day will never be the right move. It will always leave you feeling gross. Don’t do it. 
2. Using one of those dish scrubby messy bun things without an elastic underneath is an effective way to have your hair up without getting a headache. Those things are underrated. 
3. Opening the curtains aaaaall through the house makes a world of difference for everyone’s mood. 
4. Tylenol absolutely DOES NOT replace Naproxen! Not in my case, anyway. (Bonus idea: Pat yourself on the back when you try something new and it fails hard.) 
5. It is hard to feel motivated when you can’t act on anything. But it is ok, even healthy, to feel productive and accomplished when your people come around you and get those things done!! 

We’ll talk more about point 5 soon 😁 Have a great, pain-free Sunday, friends!

I believe its time to talk resolutions. 

If you’ve read along for long enough, you know my resolutions are super lax, and usually pretty vague. I keep them reasonable for myself. Low pressure. Many would likely argue that they aren’t even “goals” because there is no deadline or specific numbers or information to them. 

The year feels a bit unstructured already, kicking off with my pain, and Dekker’s broken collarbone. Those factors alone make me feel like I can’t lay a lot of pressure on myself in this season. And maybe thats just how this year will look. It felt a bit directionless, untiiiiil…

My mom shared a verse with me in the midst of my total frustration with my body and my situation! And MY GOODNESS it set the theme for this year!! Ready?? 

Coming from The Message version, 1 Colossians 1:11-12…

“We pray that you’ll have the strength to stick it out over the long haul – not the grim strength of gritting your teeth, but the glory-strength God gives. It is the strength that endured the unendurable and spills over into joy, thanking the Father who makes us strong enough to take part in everything bright and beautiful that He has for us.”

Doesn’t that sound incredible?! I feel like this past year has been a year of just surviving. Treading water. And sometimes, that’s all we can do, and thats ok! Friends, if you have been in a stretch, however long, where you feel like you’re just keeping your head above water, know that I am HAPPY you are fighting to survive! Keep doing that!! I feel, however, that a time has come in my life where I can feel that sand beneath my toes, and its time to get out of that water. It feels like I can do that now. Which is funny, as my body is still requiring me to have extra help in the house and its clearly a time for me to slow down. Its not that I want to do more, but I’m ready for a shift in mindset. 

Glory strength, guys. Not grim strength. There is definitely a time to grin and bear it. Sometimes its near impossible to see the joy. And I won’t be perfect at finding it all the time, but I’m excited for the year, and the theme. Glory strength! 

My strength is from God and God alone, and my hope is built on Him as well. 

Does anyone else have a word for the year?? A theme? A goal? Please share, if you feel so inclined. I want 2020 to be SO much better than 2019, and in my life, that has to happen on the inside! 

I had an appointment the other day with my family doctor. It had been about two weeks since I had seen her about this persistent pain problem I’ve been having. We’ve started to refer to it as chronic pain, because I’ve learned that’s what you call it when you’ve had the same pain for 6+ weeks. And we’re definitely there. Chronic pain. 

So as I mentioned, I had seen her about two weeks before, where she had given me medication for overnight, for both sleeping and pain, and a bit of anxiety. I was not sleeping well at all, and therefore my body refused to let down, and I was waking up sometimes in worse pain than what I had gone to sleep in. And that is simply not functional. The medication had helped, and slowly but surely, inch by inch, I was feeling relief. Unfortunately, as we had also previously talked about, the medication was a short term solution. Not that one, anyway. She started talking about other medication options, and I admit, I got spooked. Many of them were antidepressants. Now, a caveat or two. NO BURN on antidepressants AT ALL! There is a place for these, and I would NOT be embarrassed or ashamed to be placed on them. Also, I am aware that sometimes antidepressants are amazing for pain and healing, because they aid greatly in the mind/body connection, which is definitely playing a role in my pain, I’m confident. But that being said, I’ve seen a handful of people in my life struggle getting on and off antidepressants, and I’m so scared to dip my toe in that pond for that reason. Even if the plan was to get off of them in a short period of time, I was scared for that part. My doctor was thinking around six months or so.

So, naturally, I cried. I told Dr. Guselle that I understood, but that I would rather try other options first. An antidepressant felt like a BIG step in the grand scheme of things where I was already seeing so much progress. Why couldn’t we stay doing what we were doing?? 

And she backed riiiiight off. She handed me Kleenex and my mom had a hand on me. They both encouraged me that it was ok to need some extra help during the stretch of time where I need to heal, and kind of just sit and wait and try to make the right decisions. And they’re right! Its completely ok to need that extra help! I just felt so caught off guard.

Honestly, this whole pain thing has hit me completely out of left field. Where did it come from?! I blubbered to Dr. Guselle about how mad I was that I didn’t see it coming. I’ve been hearing that I probably missed some warning signs here and there that my body was giving, and now its being louder about what it needs. But seriously. What were they??? They didn’t show up!!! I got eczema last year 🤷‍♀️ Sometimes thats related to stress, but Waverly had it at the same time and we all thought it was ringworm or something else, so the “stress” side of it kind of got bypassed. My shoulder hurt in August 🤷‍♀️ But like, hardly. It was persistent, but it was just a little sore. Nothing crazy at all. Was that my tip off?? “Your shoulders a little sore, so maybe your body is about to freeeak out!!” Is that how I was supposed to know?! Sure, the last year had some stressful events. For sure. But whose year didn’t? 

Basically, it seems I’m left without an answer, but the fear in that is how are I ever supposed to know I’m at some physical tipping point until I go over?? How do I prevent this from happening again if I don’t know what caused it?! THAT, my friends, is the piss off. All I can do is pray for clarity as I heal, to maybe see what triggers what and what needs to change. God can show me, and I hope He does, because I feel at SUCH a loss. 

This whole pain story is within my body, and I am the most out of the loop of anyone. 

Now, after a day or two of progress, here I am in another setback. My hands are swollen and don’t open all the way. Normally, I have hyper mobility, and suuuuuper bendy hands.

Not right now, anyway 🤷‍♀️

These are some discouraging days.

Please pray, those who pray ❤️