Guest Post!

This is Brady, Hailey’s husband, and I’m filling in today because is away for the weekend. I’ll let her fill you in when she gets back. 

So this last week I was scheduled to be working for a general contractor that I’ve only worked for a couple times and they seem a little disorganized. Unfortunately, this week they were incredibly disorganized and out 3 days scheduled I only worked 2 hours on Tuesday afternoon. Of course I can always fill my time at home when I get a day off here and there. Thursday I chose to get up on roof and put up Christmas lights.

After a bit of messaging with our neighbours I was able to borrow roofing harness and made the 20’ climb to the roof over our living room.

It didn’t take me long to realize that I’m much more confident on our roof than I was 3 years ago when I did this the first time. I was comfortable getting close enough to the edge to easily reach the eavestrough to attach the lights and move around confidently.

I was able to get the in a groove putting up the first 66′ string because it was just a straight line up from the lowest eave.

Pretty quickly I found myself out on the corner of our front porch roof where I struggled the hardest with my fear of heights last time. I went like a breeze and I took the opportunity to text Hailey for a photo op.

Is anyone else so impressed how clean our eavestroughs are? 😉 Protip: They’re brand new. 🙂

And it didn’t take long to finish off a second 66′ string.

I knew I had less than 66′ to go to finish the upper level of the house so i switched to a couple of the 20′ strings and it couldn’t have worked out more perfectly!

I was able to run a couple extension cords do the back of a downspout to the lower level of the roof. This was even more ideal than how it turned out a few years ago. I was pumped. I called a day at this point as we had some awesome new couches to spontaneously go pick up. 🙂

On Friday afternoon with Hailey headed out on her weekend away, the big kids in school, and the wee three in bed, I was able to get back outside and finish the lower level.

I started from where I wanted the lights to end over top of the walkway to our front door and worked back from there. Starting with the last 66′ string followed by the last 20′ string I was able to get it finished in an hour or so.

It didn’t turn out quite right as the last string ended about 3 feet from the end of the eavestrough where I had run my extension cords down to the day before. But luckily I ended up with about 3′ of extra extension cord. 🙂

So now we have a fully Christmas Lightsed house!

And it looks even better at night than I remember it looking. 🙂

We are SO excited about how well the carpet sale worked out. The installer is coming MONDAY!! Thats SOON! Once that is done, we’re going to be very eager to get things finished up down there. As we were dreaming about everything yesterday, we started perusing Facebook Marketplace for a couch set. Were we jumping the gun a little? Perhaps. But as many of my family members will tell you, I have a knack for finding amazing deals on places like Marketplace, Kijiji, etc. Our current couch set upstairs is from Kijiji, and I found it for $400 for both a couch and loveseat, genuine leather, with one cushion slightly worn. The rest may as well never have been sat on. It was an awesome find. So I decided to start looking already yesterday, so we could get a feel for what we wanted.

Marketplace had nothing. We didn’t want leather downstairs, and it seemed we were between either really shiny stiff leather, and really old beater couches. We wanted comfy, not so beat up, not so expensive.

And of course, I found them. Because why not?

A couch, a loveseat, and a chair. The ad said things like “no smoke, pets, or small children.” They were three years old, like new condition. The price was even brought down $100 as a Thanksgiving Day Special, so I felt confident the owner wanted to get rid of them. I inquired with the owner, and he was out in Hafford, which is almost an hour drive from us. We decided to make it a family affair, so Brady could drive his empty van to bring them home, but also that he and I could decide together.

We got the kids some supper in the van and drove out in convoy. We listened to Christmas music. It was really nice. When we got to the place, we knocked. It took forever for the people to come to the window and ask us to come around the back. So we did, and then we still had to knock and wait. And then it was the wrong house. Sigh.

“We’ve been in contact. Are you Ron?”
“Nope. I’m Don.”

So close.

Turns out we were two blocks away, on the wrong side of main street. When we did find the right house, the owner, his wife, and their son were waiting for us. SUPER friendly people. We found out he was actually the mayor of town.

I’ll save you the run around. The couches were SO COMFY. And seriously, virtually untouched. They said the loveseat especially was probably only ever used during holidays. They showed us the ONE mark they could find, and said it came home from the furniture store like that. True story, I still can’t find the mark. Didn’t see it in the moment, haven’t found it since. But apparently there’s one somewhere. I’m super unconcerned. The SINGLE downfall of the set is the color. Its brown. We don’t have brown anywhere anymore. We have grey, and vastly prefer it. But these couches are the BOMB, and I thought it idiotic to pass them up because they’re the “wrong” neutral. Maybe not for my main living room, but for the basement? No way. They’re perfect.

The owners son had come solely to help Brady load up. We happily agreed to their price of $500, because thank the Lord, our carpet had come in so far under budget. SO awesome!! While the men took off the door and started loading them couches into Brady’s van, I talked with the owners. They insisted on sending some Halloween treats for the kids, who were waiting so patiently in the van with their snacky supper and music.

Brady was able to fit everything into his van, we all shook hands, and went on our way. We drove by our old house before heading back home, as per the kids request. Can’t really tell if anyone lives there anymore, but its funny. I don’t care very much. It was a nice place to live for those years, but I feel almost no attachment to it at all. Our home now has always been in our hearts. Its always been home, even before it existed. The Radisson place did the job, but it wasn’t really home. Radisson wasn’t home. We’re home now.

We got home at the kids bedtime, and got them all tucked away before actually unloading the couches into our garage. They’ll live there until mid-next week ish. I cannot wait!!!

Its coming together! Finally!!

Waverly has a new love. And that new love is dress-up.

It is the cutest little thing thats been developing for a while. If she finds laundry on the floor, she’ll bring it to one of us and wave it around until we put it on her. Even if that means pants going on her head. That counts too! For a while, we kind of just did it for our own entertainment, because she was just a little baby and maybe didn’t know what was going on, but wasn’t mad about it. But its very clear and very intentional now.

Shirts, pants, hoodies, whatever else. Even one of our sweaters hooked on the railing is fair game. Its gotten WAY cuter since she started babbling more. She talks, and says the same sounds over and over, so you know she’s actually saying words. Today, she stood over by the railing, holding Brady’s hoodie sleeve, and asked “Wear this?” Clear as day. So, she wore it!

She LOVED it, even though it was WAY too big to even drape over her, so we loosely tied it to her like a cape.

Another one today that I sadly do not have a picture of was the fanny pack. We got Rowan a little fanny pack type thing last Christmas so he could keep some of his little treasures to himself. Wavy found it and wanted it on SO badly. She waved it and shrieked at us to put it on her. We finally got the message and Brady started to reach around her to click it on. She raised her arms and danced her little hips back and forth while she jabbered and sang and celebrated. It was the CUTEST thing!

Once this basement thing is done, I cannot wait to pull out all of the dress up clothes again!! Our kids will ALL have a hayday with that, Waverly included!

Its been a low time around here for a while, but today was productive and joyful, and I thought I’d share that with the group 🙂 Its important to remember the good stuff!

So last night, Brady’s work for today fell through. Its a bit too bad, because work was SO slow for SO long, and its taking some time to catch back up. We really need all the work we can get. But, as it happens sometimes, Brady was home today. And we have been itching to go carpet shopping! Being that today was not a preschool day, we decided to run in in the morning and take a peek at a couple of places. I had emailed four flooring stores over the weekend and had received only one quote back. Merp. Yet, as we were heading out the door, I got another quote, and it was SO good! We had a budget in mind, and would have the full amount to purchase carpet by the end of this month. This quote looked super hopeful, but maybe too good to be true. So we started there.

Brady and I walked into the flooring store with our three littlest kids and moseyed through the showroom. It was a bit annoying that no one came to help us, so we finally get to the front desk. Brady spoke up and said we had received an emailed estimate just this morning, but it had salesman no name on it. The guy seemed a bit bewildered, and asked around until he found out who it had been. The salesman walks us back and showed us the product he had quoted. It was fine, but not especially soft. Now I know the biggest part of what makes a carpet soft is the underlay, and his quote included the softest, thickest underlay. But still, the carpet was just a little less cozy than I had hoped. He told us it was made of recycled pop bottles, so it was great for stain removal. I hesitated and said I wished it was a little longer, and a little softer. He grabbed a different sample of a different roll, and we compared it. It was definitely nicer. Not quite as nice as our home carpet, but definitely close enough. Brady asked “Same price?” and the guy said “Sure.” And that was that.

We went to the front desk and added it up. He started to talk about installation, and Brady said he was going to install it. The salesman seemed hesitant, and asked if Brady had installed carpet before. He hasn’t, but he had done some research and felt like he was willing to try it. Just for interest sake, we asked what installation would cost on top of the cost of materials. When he added it all up, taxes and install included, it was UNDER what we had budgeted for JUST materials!!! So, we jumped. Because while we could install it, this was just so much better and saved us a ton of hassle.

They’re coming Monday!!!

Ack! We were SO happy walking out of there. Just one place, one price, and installation is just around the corner. I’m super thrilled. I noted the price on the roll of carpet we chose and we definitely got a better price than the tag said. I assume everyone does, but it was just SO much better than we had imagined. The most complicated part of carpet shopping was the fact that there was a dog in there, and the kids were terrified of it, lol! Such a beautiful, low key dog, but they were NOT impressed. But the actual shop was easy 😉

Since that went so fast, we got to my blood draw appointment a little early. So I got in early! That was a bit of an experience, haha! I know for a fact that I was his first blood draw ever, and he was SO nervous. He was playing it off the best he could, and I tried to be a super easy patient, but he was shaking like a leaf. He successfully drew my blood and left me to press down on the cotton while he took the blood to where it needed to go. I hear him celebrate with someone, saying “I did it! First blood draw!” I laughed, and then pretended I hadn’t heard him 😉 It was funny.

After that, I ducked into Lawson Mall and finally picked up Brady’s birthday gift. Its late, and I’ve known for a couple of months what I wanted to get him. It was so little, but thank goodness, it was still there!

I like him a lot. He was such a good sport about his dorky gift.

We hit Costco on the way out, just for a quick run in for veggies and milk. I stayed in the van with the kids and we blasted Christmas music while Brady ran in. People walked by and stared at us through our windows as we sang along. It was really fun.

Then home, lunch, and nap time. Brady and I watched some Netflix and I started doing some work on Christmas gifts. Did I mention that I picked up everything I need for my homemade gift exchange recipient today?? Eek! Aaaaanyway, I started working on something for one of my kids, actually, and I’m feeling really good about the progress I’ve made. I have…..3.5 more items to make for my children, and then anotherrrrrrr at least five gifts for other people. I’m stoked though 🙂 I’m feeling a renewed sense of joy and energy to put into things, and I’m going to run with it as long as its here!

Now, the kids are just getting home, everyone is getting up from naps, and we have a relaxed afternoon with the kids ahead. Aaaaand Jerilee is coming for supper and the evening! Its really turned out to be an excellent day. I feel accomplished, and happy, and so excited for such a big step to be taken in the basement for literally $700 LESS than we thought it would take, and WAY less work, too!

I may be a couple of days behind, and this may not be the deepest, most emotional post, but please take this as my post of gratitude for Thanksgiving. How fortunate are we ❤️ SO fortunate.

Mid-last week, Dekker and Laela had parent teacher interviews. Brady had to work a long day, so I asked someone over to come hang with the kids, and I went to meet Dekker and Laela after school. We doddled in the library for a bit, since Dekker’s interview didn’t start until 3:30.

The kids read me books and told me about their days. I asked them if there was anything they specifically wanted me to bring up at the interview, and they both said no. So we just waited and moseyed our way over a few minutes early. 

Dekker’s interview was first. I went in with him, and Laela read library books out in the hallway while she waited for her turn. 

Meeting with Dekker’s teacher was really really good. She had given the kids a questionnaire to fill out, so Dekker answered the questions of what he needs/wants from school. How he best works. What he likes and dislikes. None of it surprised me, or her. He prefers quiet, he said. She read a question that asked what he needed from her to help him finish work at the right time, and he shrugged. We all laughed, because if Dekker is ONE THING, he is a rule follower. He loves his guidelines and to know what’s expected of him, and then he can quite easily excel at that thing. They discussed the ONE time he got upset and had a hard time recovering. His teacher expressed that he had done well, had asked for a break, and had watched for the remainder of the class. She said to him “If you’re ever uncomfortable with something we’re doing, I want you to tell me so I can help you. Sometimes, I’ll let you sit out, and sometimes, I’ll push you a little. But we’ll go slow, ok?” I LOVED that. She has such a good radar for him, and is SO sensitive. We talked about how he was actually excelling in being int he split class, which I was a little concerned about. She agreed with me that he is SO intelligent, but tends to hang back a little when he’s not feeling confident. The split has been a good push for him, and he’s doing great with it. His reading is up to where she says most grade four kids are at, so that is wonderful! She even asked if we had any special family holidays or dates that were important to us, so they could also be important to the class. I couldn’t think of anything, but she left the door open to mention anything at anytime. The bottom line of that interview was that she is really 100% there to help the students, and that she really cares about them. She cares that they’re learning and growing academically, but she really cares about them as people. I love that so much! Dekker has had so few struggles thus far in grade three, and the small amount he’s had have been handled gracefully. I’m super happy with how his interview went. 

Once we were done at Dekker’s interview, he biked on home and I went with Laela to wait her turn. We were early, but apparently no one had filled that slot, and we could go in early! Laela was a little quiet during the interview, but I think it was odd for her to have her mom and her teacher in the same place. A bit of a “worlds colliding” moment, maybe. She was being a little silly, and said some of her favourite parts of school were the guinea pigs and the bouncy chairs. We got out of her that she likes playing on the computer, the library, and the microscope. She likes having her own desk, and says she likes lots of kids and usually has friends around her. Her teacher confirmed that she was super social, as well as very polite and helpful. I mentioned that Laela is something of a second mom to the little kids at home, and her teacher said she could see that in her. She’s a very soft, sweet little girl and she really loves to help people. She likes to do jobs and clean up at the end of the day. We got into the academic talk next, and discussed that Laela is reading at level F. Her teacher said realistically she could read at an even higher level, but now that the books are getting longer and more detailed, she wants Laela to practice recounting the story, not just blasting through it. Laela doesn’t have a particular struggle with that, from my view, but I’m definitely happy to ride it out and get better at it!! We talked math, which Laela doesn’t love, but still excels at. Her teacher teased her a little, saying “I’m not sure why you don’t like it, you’re great at it!” Laela kind of smiled shyly, and looked down. I get her. She just likes letters better than numbers. But her teacher was right. Laela is good at numbers. She’s pretty natural at most things she tries. As for Laela’s attitude, she’s a really happy student. The ONE time I heard about her crying at school, besides getting physical hurt, was in gym, when she SO BADLY wanted to get the basketball in the hoop and just couldn’t get it. A hard working, frustrated cry. I get that, too. Before we were done, Laela blew the whistle on me and told her teacher I had just lost a baby, and a couple other before. I saw her teacher wince a little before she snapped back into professional mode. Without missing a beat, she continued her conversation with Laela by saying she had done the same thing, and that it was really really hard. And that was that. Somehow, I loved her response. No shock or gasping or devastation. No reaction beyond having an open discussion with my kid. I LOVED that. The interview wrapped up with Laela showing me where she keeps the stuff she’s currently working on, and with her teacher reassuring me that she couldn’t come up with a concern if she had to. I liked that, too. She’s confident in Laela, as am I. 

I felt so good about the meetings I had that day. To know that both of my children are thriving and succeeding at school thrills my heart. The work we’re putting in is paying off, and my children continue to be taught by good, warm, strong people who care more about the children themselves than the grades they produce. Its just an added bonus that their grades are strong, too. 

I am SO thrilled with the school my children attend. I hope we can stay here forever.

I only resent Brady a little for being younger than me 😘 Only about two months, but still. He’s lucky I still love him. 

I’m obviously being completely sarcastic. Its quite the contrary, in fact. I am so lucky he still loves me. 

Its not been an easy year at all. Its been a beautiful year, but we’ve had our big challenges, and I know I’ve not always been a peach. But that man LOVES me with a fierce husband love, and I know it. 

Maybe about a week ago, I lost my mind in the evening. I. Screamed. At. Everyone. I yelled at each kid, and then I turned, and yelled at my husband. 

*sigh*

IT SUCKED.

I watched him puff up a little, and the deflate, and take it. He watched my eyes while I yelled at him, in front of our kids, and didn’t interrupt or defend himself. Not once. 

I stormed out of there, raving mad, and completely horrified at who I was and what I was doing.  I stormed back in shortly thereafter and started basically shouting an apology. (Ya, it was like a suuuuuper fail, I know.) I finally fizzled into a shaking, weeping mess, and my humble husband wrapped me up and held me while I cried. Because he knew I was struggling, and that I was doing it wrong. All wrong. And he chose to forgive me quickly, because that’s what love is supposed to look like. Love doesn’t look like what I was doing, and I knew that. But I failed, and he still loved me. And continues to. 

Brady, you still give me butterflies. Not even just saying it for the blog. I love when you come home from work, because I love being with you. You’re my best friend! I know we have stretches of struggle but I feel so good with you as my partner in life. You’re just getting better with age ❤️ 

Thank you for taking me as I am, and hearing my heart, even when I fail. I love you so much, with that fierce wifey love.

Happy birthday. Welcome to 31. I’ve been waiting for you. 

By the time I got last weeks blogs out, it had been days since I had my D&C. I figured it would be worth talking about that a little bit more now that I’m about a week out. 

Since I was at the hospital, my body has felt very normal. I occasionally (rarely) have some little cramps, but not many. I’m bleeding a little bit but not much. Everything seems pretty close to back to normal, whatever that is. Nothing hurts. My pregnancy symptoms are all gone. I guess that part hurts. Not physically, but kind of…

I will admit that my hormones are seriously out of whack. I’m working hard on being a level person, and not biting anyones head off, even though I’m sad, but its proving to be a bit of a challenge. Most of that backlash is going towards my kids, unfortunately :/ I love them SO much, and with that, they push me and my buttons more that anyone else. Because they’re kids! Its allowed, but its really challenging these days. Just being honest.

I went to help my mom get thanksgiving food rolling this morning and ended up crying like a baby on her couch about everything that had gone on and hadn’t gone on. About how well loved I was but how lonely I felt. About how the run around and the waiting game just about killed me. About the pain and discomfort and unexpected feelings around every corner. About how my sleep and quality of life have suffered hard. About how the kids are misbehaving and I’m at a loss with how to handle certain situations. About how its stupid winter and I’m not even allowed to have a bath for TWO WEEKS, and I’m freezing 110% of the time. About how MAD I was that aaaaall of these things have so greatly overshadowed what was truly important – the baby I lost. Maybe the BABIES I lost! Frankly, ALL the babies I’ve lost. 

I let down hard and had a big cry. Mom held me and cried, too. It sucked, but it was also great. What is it about a good cry anyway? Its so cleansing, at the very least. 

Post-weep, I feel ok. I’m still sorting out a lot of feelings, but they’re not all from the D&C. I’m still processing our loss and what is meant to come next. I don’t feel we did anything wrong. We followed as we felt led, and here we are, absolutely no further ahead. 

There continues to be waiting ahead, which is something we’re getting great at, apparently. Waiting for my hormone levels to drop completely to zero. Waiting for my cycle to reset. Waiting for my forms for genetic testing to come in the mail, and then waiting a month or so for those results. 

And then what? Do we try again? *shrugs* I guess we’ll WAIT and see.

We were SO well cared for. It seems like an appropriate place as any to share all of the support we received.

I can’t even count the times our close friends came our way with support in ALL kinds of ways, but it was a ton. Beyond them, our church rained their love down on us constantly. 

Krista brought me a gift of cute socks and a yummy bath salt soak.

Yvonne made us a big pot of real chunky chicken noodle sou and two bags of fresh buns. She prayed for us in our entrance.

Damaris came for a morning/afternoon. She brought me a latte and lunch and snacks for the kids. She helped them get their food, and chatted with me about everything – good and bad. 

Connie came with a card, a book, and flowers. We also chatted all through nap time. It was such a relief to have company. 

Kim brought us a HUGE dinner of chicken and broccoli rice. Two big pans, one of which I froze. Alongside that was two days of school lunches for Dekker and Laela, a batch of muffins for breakfasts, and a rice krispie cake. My gosh. 

Damaris brought us pork chops and roasted potatoes, and some fresh fruit. The second meal she had brought us this week. 

Carrie J brought her kids over to play with my kids, and baked a yummy pear loaf at our house.

Karen brought us scalloped potatoes and ham, with cooked carrots and corn that tasted fresh out of the garden. As well, she brought us cupcakes, and even sent a drink for our meal. 

Carrie J and her family took a risk and asked if they could come be with us for supper. They prepared waffles for the kids, and eggs benedict for us. Also fruit salad and juice. We all ate together. It was SO nice.

Carrie O took the last day on the meal train and invited us to join them at their house for a wiener roast, what might be the last fire of the year. Maybe, maybe not. We enjoyed hot dogs, smokies, fresh veggies and fruit, chips, etc. all together. Anne made fresh pie for us to enjoy for dessert. Smores, too 🙂 It was so good to get out of the house with people who we knew we could be ourselves around. 

The love did not stop with the meal train. Yvonne traded us back her soup pot for some fresh crab apple sauce she had made that day. 

Willa brought us a HUGE supper of crispy chicken, rice, carrots, chunky salad, and a BIG pumpkin pie! Along with food, Willa hung out with our kids during a couple of ultrasounds, and always did a few jobs around the house while she was here, whether dishes or folding laundry or whatever else needed doing. She even gave them supper and put them to bed one night. 

Kate and Carrie J shuttled Rowan to and from preschool once or twice.

Nicole sent a huge floral arrangement. 

Sandy bought me a onesie to be cozy in.

Dave and Karen brought us pulled pork, buns, chips, coleslaw, and homemade brownies. And that was after the meal train was long over.

Its funny. The longer it takes me to post this post, the love and gifts continue to pour in. We’ve been gifted with some guilty pleasure treats, as well as some fresh veggies, canning, baking, etc. I do NOT leave this all here in an effort to brag, but for my record, to remember the love we were shown by our community. It is quite something to have so many people recognize our miscarriage as a real loss, not just “something people go through but shouldn’t talk about.” Its huge to my family to have our loss acknowledged and respected by those around us. 

Bottom line. I know this love is being poured on my entire family, but speaking for myself, I couldn’t have done this stretch of time without the amazing amounts of support our family was given. I was reassured by someone that, I didn’t choose this struggle, and I needed to let my family and friends love us and help us. I couldn’t help but say back that my family and friends didn’t ask for us to have this struggle either. No one else has asked us to reproduce. Just us and, we believe God has. No one else should have to be dragged through the mud with us. But it sure helped us feel less crazy and alone. 

So while we suffered and struggled and kicked and screamed in frustration just a little bit (or a lot,) there was bright light around every corner, where people cared for us and lifted us up. What an amazing group of lovely people we have. 

So. Here we are on October 7th. My Monday ultrasound I so badly wanted to not need. Brady and I sat and talked while we waited for my name to be called. What did we want from the ultrasound? With Theo, we had a similar situation, where I took the medication and the baby didn’t come out, and the ultrasound showed an empty uterus. Lo and behold, though, baby dropped seemingly from nowhere about five days after that. So he was in there, just tucked, or low, or something like that. I assumed it would be the same this time, and we would just be waiting to see. Housebound. Completely in limbo. Again. 

But as things tend to surprise me along this road, the ultrasound showed baby completely tucked in there, just the same as the week before. 

I would need a D&C.

And I was SO mad. I was relieved to finally have a direction to move in, but my pregnancy was officially being erased. I never got to watch an ultrasound. I don’t have a single picture. And now, I wasn’t even going to get to “have” the baby. It was being taken out of me. I would have NO proof that this whole thing ever happened. I was so hurt. But I had to roll with the punches. And that meant I had arrangements to make. 

So began an afternoon of frantic planning and figuring, speaking to friends, asking for help, fielding multiple calls from Dr. Guselle as she called me and the hospital back and forth, trying to find where I fit and when I could get myself there. I had made the mistake of eating a sliver of Waverly’s apple during her lunch, and that set me back hours from when I could’ve originally went in, but rather, Brady and I were asked to be at City Hospital emerg for 4pm. Carrie J willingly came and hung out with my kids for a couple of hours after school, and Willa came and traded her out to do supper and bedtime with the kids. 

I threw some little items in my purse, not exactly knowing how to “pack” for a D&C, but figured I’d try. I grabbed deodorant, a brush, chapstick, a pair of underwear, my wallet, and a pen. 

Brady and I got to emerg just a little after 4:00. We walked into the ER holding hands, ready to do whatever this was going to be together. We were NOT brave. We were surviving. Having never been to City Hospital emergency before, we were unsure where to line up. We picked a spot, and thankfully, chose right as a whole bunch more people lined up after us just moments later. We beat the rush! I was called in and sat beside a desk where two women typed like mad and checked my vitals but didn’t talk to me. Finally one of them put her head up and said “What the trouble?” I told them what Dr. Guselle had told me to say. 

“I’m here to see Dr. Mirosh for a D&C.” 

Her response was “You’re not on her expected list,” but she didn’t even know my name yet, and the other lady with all the typing corrected her and said I was on the list. Ok, more typing. Finally I was given a hospital bracelet and directed to wait in the waiting room. So we did that. After maybe 20-30 minutes, someone came and retrieved us and asked us to follow her to bed one. Once we were ushered into our own area, she plunked down beside me on the hospital bed and introduced herself. She was to be our OB and surgeon for the evening. And I immediately loved her. 

She was funny. Dry and sarcastic, like me. We bantered pretty easily. She was also very professional. She took down all kinds of info and listened while I retraced our steps from the last month, and then from our past losses in 2017. I felt good knowing as much information as I knew, and she happily received what input I had. We talked fertility, which was good and bad. She said the fact that I have five perfectly healthy, complication-free children makes it clear to her that I can have children. She is confident there is really no answer to find as to why this last year has been what it is. She was encouraging but straightforward. She was strangely like Dr. Guselle, where she could say honest things that weren’t necessarily hopeful but she still left me feeling light and positive. I don’t know how they do it, but MAN its a quality I hope to have someday. 

Conversation strayed from baby-having into her wanting to inquire about the rest of our family. We discussed Brady’s work and how much she loves and respects carpentry. She said her family growing up had a completely round library, and how she remembers it being built, and what a huge undertaking it was. It was nice to talk life outside of the heavy stuff. I also love when people recognize Brady in all of this. People forget the husband sometimes, and thats sad. Yes, this is all happening to my body, and that counts for something big, but its just as much his baby as it is mine. 

We wandered our way back to talking about the procedure ahead. Talked process, people, and risks. She told me they would start getting me over to the day surgery unit and get me set up with a bed there. As we were talking, a nurse popped her head into the doorway and said the OR was ready when we were. The doctor was surprised, and commented that she hadn’t reported me to the OR yet, and the nurse laughed and said something like “You might not have told them about her, but they know about her!” So with that. I was told to follow along, and Brady and I walked up to the operating room together. 

It was kind of surreal, honestly. I was brought up to this area of the hospital that didn’t look like it was really made for people. I got dressed in the gown and robe in a supply closet. It was funny, and everyone kind of was poking fun at it. They kept saying “We’re usually way more organized than this!” but I reassured them that my life was far from organized and it didn’t put me off at all. Brady and I sat in a little corner with three chairs while people in scrubs came and went. I filled out consent forms and agreed to what was about to happen. Everyone gave me lots of room to ask questions or take time. 

The best part of all of this is about to come, guys. A positive! 

The anesthesiologist. He came and sat himself down beside Brady and I so we could talk anesthetic, history, and questions. He introduced himself, and I stared at him. I confirmed his name and looked at his name tag to make sure he was who I thought he was. Dr. Derek Boechler.

He was the amazing, warm, patient resident who had delivered Dekker into my arms eight years ago. Guys, I could’ve cried. I had LOVED that man. 

I totally fan-girled, and told him my memory. He was surprised, but happy. I told him not to worry, that he didn’t have to remember us, but that we had really liked and appreciated him. We got back to the task at hand pretty quickly, but truthfully, I was so thrilled to run into him. He had been such a bright light in Dekker’s delivery, and I had always wondered if I’d run into him again, maybe for an epidural or something. But clearly not, because he found his way to a different hospital. It just felt like a crazy, full circle moment for me. I felt so at peace. 

I consented to the anesthetic, and stressed to him that I wanted to be OUT out. I couldn’t handle even being remotely lucid. I didn’t want to feel any of it. He totally understood and said NO ONE should ever feel such a thing, and he would make sure of it. He reassured me that he would be there the entire time. All 5-8 minutes of the procedure. 

I admit, walking into the operating room on my own two feet was a bit surreal. I had a moment where I was entering the doors and saying goodbye to Brady where I started to tear up a little. Not because I was sad even, but just nervous, and…ya, maybe sad, too. It just sucked. It all sucked. 

But I walked into a room with about 6-7 people in it, and everyone was SO friendly and warm. I was directed to lie on the operating table (again, surreal), and as I slipped my robe off, someone came behind me and held my gown closed, to save my dignity a little. She even whispered and asked if I was wearing underwear, seeming to try and keep it classy. I lay down and was immediately wrapped up in a warm blanket. Now I know that for pretty much every procedure, they strip you right down and basically tie your arms back. Very exposing. I remember feeling people tie my arms up in my previous appendix surgery, and I went under panicking. This was not like that at all. People moved around me carefully and gently, lifting my gown here and there to stick little monitors on me. They tucked my feet into the blanket and joked here and there with me. My anesthetist had told everyone that I had known him in the past, so we talked about that. I puffed him up pretty good and told everyone how lovely he was. How he was the most patient person I saw the day Dekker was born. How safe I felt. Turns out, he did eventually finish his residency, clearly, and he is an excellent anesthesiologist. He told me everything he was doing as he was doing it. He was clear and efficient. He was still very warm and loving. He joked that it was a good thing he had shaved that day, so I couldn’t see how grey he had gotten since we last met. I pointed out that I too was eight years older. We both laughed. It felt SO calm. SO peaceful. So strangely different from how I thought it would feel. Everyone in the room knew why I was there. They knew how much I desired more children. They knew my heart. I felt cared for in an extra special way. 

When the mask went over my face, I knew it was time. The anesthetist told me to take some breaths and apologized for the stinky smell. The second breath I could tell was it. I nodded, maybe to notify them I was on the way out? Maybe just my brain nodded. I’m not sure. But that was it. I was toast. 

I woke up feeling tired, but not really groggy. I was aware there were people around me. I forget what they said but I knew at the time, and was able to respond. It wasn’t unpleasant. I remember smiling as I talked to the nurse beside me. Neither the surgeon or anesthesiologist were there, which made sense, but I admit I wish I could’ve spoken to them and thanked them. The nurses were lovely though. Things had gone smoothly and easily, and I was quickly moved out of recovery into my own room. We actually beat Brady to the room, and the nurses called him on his phone to tell him I was back. He was all smiles when he came in, totally surprised I was already out and awake. I was brought apple juice and digestive cookies, and he sipped his coffee while we made jokes about “date night.” 

It was kind of a horrible date night, but it was also weirdly peaceful. It could have been so much worse. In some ways, it was the last piece of the ridiculous puzzle we’d been working on for the last few weeks. 

I was in grief, of course. I still am. But as my heart was naturally recovering and trying to move forward, my body refused to go along with it. I was living in a constant state of frustration, waiting for my body to just give in and let go, and it wouldn’t! I was fearful that I would be emotionally healing, and suddenly, the baby would come out, and I’d be back to square one. And I didn’t want that! But I also was mad that our little baby was being overshadowed by the frustration of the medical side of it. Just maddening. 

I’m learning that God’s mercies don’t always look how you expect them to. I believe God is in control, but I confidently believe that His plan, in this case, for me to have a D&C. To have a concrete answer. A “You’re done now” moment. Relief. Strangely, the procedure felt like a gift. I accept that gift willingly, regardless of how unconventional it seems. I never would’ve thought I’d be peaceful on the receiving end of a D&C, and while it obviously wasn’t our ideal end game in terms of conceiving and delivering another healthy baby into our family, the process was relieving and so very correct for us. 

He hasn’t forgotten us, or any of our children.

I hope no one eats me alive for this post. It could get controversial if someone really chooses to stir the pot. I urge you NOT to stir it. Leave the stinking pot alone. Just hear my heart, and only that. 

With the news of our ultrasound on Thursday, we decided to continue on with life the next day, and begin the ugly medication process on Saturday, when Brady was home and I wasn’t alone with all of the kids. I have done this once before at home, with Theo, so I knew what to expect. I took medication first thing in the morning and waited. Within the hour, I was nauseous and feverish, shaking and miserable. There is nothing glamorous about it. I hid out upstairs for most of the morning, shivering and being sad. I started bleeding, but nothing crazy at all. Brady ran me a bath so I could warm up and relax my crampy body. At about the six hour mark, everything had slowly down significantly, so I took the approved second dose. It didn’t really do anything. I maybe cramped a little more, but not much. Bleeding was still slowing, and “unproductive,” to use a word that is maybe less graphic. The only thing the second dose accomplished was making me sick all over again, which is did well. I was so miserable that day, and SO annoyed that, by the end of the day, nothing had been accomplished. 

I waited Sunday out, or rather Sunday waited me out. I completely stopped bleeding. I had no cramps. It was just sooooo nothing. 

I called Dr. Guselle’s office on Monday and asked if there was any way I could be approved for another dose of this medication. I wanted this done with. I wanted to work through the portion of my grief that was actually having the baby. I wanted to be able to move forward and actually be able to leave my house. She approved a third and final dose, and asked me to call in a day or two if nothing happens. 

And nothing happened. It didn’t even try to happen. I got the chills, but I didn’t cramp at all. I didn’t spot at all. I didn’t progress at all. I just waited. I felt completely neutral all the time. Gutless. In limbo. I haaaaated it. I finally admitted defeat on Thursday, and called to say nothing had happened. I was asked to book an ultrasound, to see what was going on in there. I decided to put it off until Monday, so I’d have all weekend to give my body that last chance to do its job and release my baby. But it didn’t.

I called on Friday and booked an ultrasound for Monday without too much fuss. I once worked at a doctors office, and people would call for an appointment and insist on telling you their whole history. It was fine, but it was totally unnecessary. It seems at this clinic, I cannot get an ultrasound without giving them ALL the information and proving that I need one. Its just dumb, but they did give me one when I told them I had lost a baby and it wasn’t coming out. Saying that on the phone just choked me up. I didn’t want to. But I had no choice.