The Daily Hailey

I had an appointment the other day with my family doctor. It had been about two weeks since I had seen her about this persistent pain problem I’ve been having. We’ve started to refer to it as chronic pain, because I’ve learned that’s what you call it when you’ve had the same pain for 6+ weeks. And we’re definitely there. Chronic pain. 

So as I mentioned, I had seen her about two weeks before, where she had given me medication for overnight, for both sleeping and pain, and a bit of anxiety. I was not sleeping well at all, and therefore my body refused to let down, and I was waking up sometimes in worse pain than what I had gone to sleep in. And that is simply not functional. The medication had helped, and slowly but surely, inch by inch, I was feeling relief. Unfortunately, as we had also previously talked about, the medication was a short term solution. Not that one, anyway. She started talking about other medication options, and I admit, I got spooked. Many of them were antidepressants. Now, a caveat or two. NO BURN on antidepressants AT ALL! There is a place for these, and I would NOT be embarrassed or ashamed to be placed on them. Also, I am aware that sometimes antidepressants are amazing for pain and healing, because they aid greatly in the mind/body connection, which is definitely playing a role in my pain, I’m confident. But that being said, I’ve seen a handful of people in my life struggle getting on and off antidepressants, and I’m so scared to dip my toe in that pond for that reason. Even if the plan was to get off of them in a short period of time, I was scared for that part. My doctor was thinking around six months or so.

So, naturally, I cried. I told Dr. Guselle that I understood, but that I would rather try other options first. An antidepressant felt like a BIG step in the grand scheme of things where I was already seeing so much progress. Why couldn’t we stay doing what we were doing?? 

And she backed riiiiight off. She handed me Kleenex and my mom had a hand on me. They both encouraged me that it was ok to need some extra help during the stretch of time where I need to heal, and kind of just sit and wait and try to make the right decisions. And they’re right! Its completely ok to need that extra help! I just felt so caught off guard.

Honestly, this whole pain thing has hit me completely out of left field. Where did it come from?! I blubbered to Dr. Guselle about how mad I was that I didn’t see it coming. I’ve been hearing that I probably missed some warning signs here and there that my body was giving, and now its being louder about what it needs. But seriously. What were they??? They didn’t show up!!! I got eczema last year 🤷‍♀️ Sometimes thats related to stress, but Waverly had it at the same time and we all thought it was ringworm or something else, so the “stress” side of it kind of got bypassed. My shoulder hurt in August 🤷‍♀️ But like, hardly. It was persistent, but it was just a little sore. Nothing crazy at all. Was that my tip off?? “Your shoulders a little sore, so maybe your body is about to freeeak out!!” Is that how I was supposed to know?! Sure, the last year had some stressful events. For sure. But whose year didn’t? 

Basically, it seems I’m left without an answer, but the fear in that is how are I ever supposed to know I’m at some physical tipping point until I go over?? How do I prevent this from happening again if I don’t know what caused it?! THAT, my friends, is the piss off. All I can do is pray for clarity as I heal, to maybe see what triggers what and what needs to change. God can show me, and I hope He does, because I feel at SUCH a loss. 

This whole pain story is within my body, and I am the most out of the loop of anyone. 

Now, after a day or two of progress, here I am in another setback. My hands are swollen and don’t open all the way. Normally, I have hyper mobility, and suuuuuper bendy hands.

Not right now, anyway 🤷‍♀️

These are some discouraging days.

Please pray, those who pray ❤️

Bedtime prayers are part of our evening routine over here. Its both an important and chaotic time of day. The big kids are all pretty familiar with the order of things, and Wavy kind of just wanders the room, harassing others while they pray. She picks up on more and more of the process as she develops and familiarizes. 

Before we pray, however, there is toothbrushing and washing and peeing and all that good stuff, and kids lay on the floor and wrestle and snuggle and – lets be real – fight, until everyone is assembled and together. Wavy usually terrorizes Dekker or Laela, probably because they’re older and stronger, but yesterday, for one reason or another, she chose Rowan. She hasn’t chosen him before. 

And he LOVED it ❤️

Dekker couldn’t barely hold back and not get into it, because its most often him at the bottom of the Waverly dogpile. 

It was a pretty beautiful little scene. One of those times when the picture doesn’t look like much but their moms heart was totally exploding at this very moment. 

After the kids all prayed, we said the Lord Prayer together. We implemented it a while ago, and now the four older kids all know it by heart. Once it started, Wavy folded her hands and started mouthing along, in her own words of course 😉 She swayed to it like it was music, and it grew to her foot stomping level of dance. It was adorable, and not at all distracting 😆 We all laughed our way through the prayer. As it wrapped up, we got to the last line, “forever and ever,” and before we could say “amen” she threw her hands up and said it! She knew the timing of it well enough to know it was about to end. I couldn’t believe it. It thrilled my heart, and I imagine it thrilled Jesus’ as well. 

It was a good thing for me to witness. I know that not all of my children grasp the full concept of what praying to Jesus actually means and looks like, and maybe they don’t mean everything they say or recite. But no one can convince me that its not worth the time and effort that goes into it. My little girl is only 1.5 years old and I think she actively pleases the Lord. She has a song in her heart, and I can’t wait for her opportunities to share it to grow! Meanwhile, the other kids are so wise and understanding of God and who He is and how we need Him. 

Thank God for God!

Have we talked about Solomon recently? Let’s do it. 

Solly is 3.5 years old, and is just a pleasant little dude. While he has only recently picked up some of the stereotypical behaviour that tends to come along with three year olds. A few more opinions, basically, and a bit of a louder way to communicate them 😉 You know what I mean. But in the midst of all of that, he is such a sweet, silly, gentle little boy. He is pure delight.

He plays super well, together and independently. He sings a lot and counts. He likes to colour, but only when everyone else does. He loves to sit with a book more so. He does most of the chore-ish things older kids do, like setting the table and helping with the dishwasher. 

If he’s feeling cozy and snuggly, he loves to have his face stroked, and will literally doze in and out. But he also loves a good dance party!

Something I’ve been observing recently is that Solly is really embracing big brother mode. He’s been a big brother for quite some time now, obviously, and it went from Wavy being cute to look at, to Wavy being a danger to his games and toys, and while it still looks that way sometimes, he has embraced guiding her and showing her the ropes of life in his own way. As I sat on the couch today, sipping coffee, I paid close attention to the way they interact. As Waverly set out her shapes and worked to find how they fit into the sorter, Solly sat beside her, itching to put them in for her, but holding his hands tight, resisting. When she found the right spot but couldn’t quite coordinate them into it, he’d put the shape into the basket, all the while saying “Good job, Wavy! Good find!” As Wavy would try to climb onto the couch, Solly would lift her bum up and help her. That one is NOT graceful but OH so cute! When Wavy was sad, Solly went in search of her water bottle and slippers. 

Earlier today, Solly broke a rule that he knows is a rule. He stood/jumped on the bottom of our drying rack, effectively collapsing it, full of clothes. I was really frustrated with him, and I told him so. I don’t like having to essentially baby proof for the sake of my three year old, and I told him I shouldn’t have to. His latest phrase came out – “I won’t do that tomorrow, mom.” He says it about everything. Admittedly, I brushed that off. Maybe about ten minutes later, he came up to me on his own, totally calmly, and said “Mom, I’m sorry I was on the drying rack again. I’ll be obedient now.” And while I know he’s a human and very likely, he will, at some point, be disobedient again, but I loved how he left, and thought about it, and came back to right his wrong. 

He told me today, “Mom, I really love you because you’re sooooo cute!” He followed that up with grandma also being sooooo cute, and then daddy, too. Daddy was “Sooooo cute. Ya. And fun.” He loves his people. 

Solly hears everything! Today, the coffee maker beeped off and his whole face changed. “I hear the smoke alarm.” In church, loudly, “Grandma! I hear the train!” Stuff like that. He is on top of it all. 

If you ask Solly his name, he usually says either Solomon, or Sol Brady. I’m curious to see what name he’ll like as he gets older, because he is SO nicknamable! 

These days, I spend some evenings upstairs to give my body a rest while Brady gives the kids supper. When it comes to bedtime, the kids all come upstairs for nighttime hugs. He’s the one who waits patiently at the door while Waverly comes up for hugs, and then runs around the room, unsure of the next part. He stands by the door, calling to her in a higher than usual voice, “Wavy! Come with me, Wavy!” When she finally finds her way back to him, he ushers her out with a hand on her back and reminds her to turn around on her tummy to go down the stairs. He’s so on it. 

He keeps growing and maturing, and I’m both ready and not ready. I am LOVING where Solly is at right now. He is changing, yet still so content with whats going on. He seems to roll with the punches effortlessly. Part of me is sad to see him growing up, because true story – I thought I’d have more little ones by the time he was this age. But looking only at him and who he is, I am SO thrilled! 

Solomon Sol Solly Wolly Smalls Brady Baby Boy ❤️ We sure love you! 

The morning has been cute. Real cute. 

My mom came to help me again this morning. I’m sad to say I think morning help might be the order of my day for a while. Mornings are just hard. My thumbs are in bananas-level pain (yes, thats an official unit of measure) which makes just about everything a big effort. Diapers, dishes, backpacks, zippers, loading kids up and taking them to school, etc. On my list of things that hurt the most yesterday, I forgot drying my hands after I wash them. May as well just disconnect my fingers from my hands. Its pretty unreal, and I’m a little choked that I’m needing help for this long. But, as always, God knows. 

We have a teether in our house right now. 

The sweetest teether you ever did see, but poor little baby girl 💜 She’s still so pleasant, and isn’t crying or fussing or really seeming to be in any discomfort, but she’s so tired and sucky. Very cozy in my favorite jammies of hers. 

She enjoyed a little grandma-made brunch, which lifted her spirits a bit.

Brady is having messy fun at work today, lol! I’ll have to tell you all about what he’s up to soon! 

Rowan was at preschool and Solly played SO well downstairs by himself for a while. When my mom went to go pick Rowan up, I helped Solomon and Waverly tidy toys up. I wish it was simpler to put videos on the blog because the dance parties that ensued after the toys were picked up were SO fun!! Gifs will have to do!

The kids had fruit and muffins for lunch, and now mom is lovingly doing my dishes while I put this post together and rest my body. Aaaaand I’m not resting my hands at this point, so off I go! 

Sorry for the shorty, but no denying it was a cute day! One day I’ll stop talking about all of our ailments and get back to the happier stuff. I’m working on it ❤️

I did more myself today than I have in a while. I still had help getting the kids up and breakfasting, but I thought I’d share my observations from the day. 

A lot of things still hurt, but resting after I do things usually helps. However, there are a few things. 

Lifting anything precariously using just my fingers. 👎 

Wringing out a cloth. 👎 

Doing car seat belts or the high chair belt. 👎 

Wiping butts. Not even kidding. 👎 

Opening the kids water bottles to refill them. 👎 

Lifting kids 😕 Unfortunately 👎 

Opening ziploc containers 👎 

Van doors. 👎 That hurts. 

Those particular things wore my hands out pretty badly today. My wrists and my thumbs are really hurting. But 🥳 I survived! 

I survived so well that I forgot to take my medication at 2pm 🤦‍♀️ We’ll throw a positive spin on that that say it was good to see that my pain medication does its job when I take it 😆 Nice to have that affirmed, anyway. 

I imagine I’ll take a load off this evening. Its supposed to be band practice but I think I have to let my body ease up a little bit first. Mornings and evenings are hardest, so tonight, we’ll follow our routine of going to bed earlier and letting my body heal for as long as possible. 

My mom is coming to help me again tomorrow morning. 💜 I am SO thankful for my community of people. 

Dekker DECLINED medication this morning! None this afternoon either. I am SO impressed with his progress and courage! At one point yesterday, he fell and landed on his shoulder, and the scream that came from him suggested he had broken himself all over again. He ended up rallying quicker than anticipated, and he’s truly been good ever since. I think a lot has healed, and I think he’s also pretty bored with being in pain all the time. So he’s just not anymore. Lol!

A new week has begun, and reality starts tomorrow! I have hope for healing for myself as well, so I’m curious to see how Monday goes in terms of how my body holds up. There isn’t a lot left that I can’t do, but I don’t know yet how much I’ll pay in terms of pain after the fact. Just in time for Dekker to be feeling well again, now I can open bottles. Funny how that happens, hey? 

But before school starts tomorrow, I’ll say this morning went well. I almost bailed out of worship leading today and left it to Brady and Carrie, but decided rather that I’d just ask for help when needed. And it worked out. I did have to lift Waverly a couple of times, which hurts my shoulders, but after a rest through lunch, things are back to just a basic level of sore that I can work around. A handful of people spoke to me at church and asked what my needs are and how they could assist me. I responded honestly, but saying I didn’t actually know yet 🤷‍♀️ I’m not sure what my hands and wrists can and cannot handle yet, but later in the week, I’d let people know what was needed. I’m SO grateful to have such willing hands at my church, and to know it isn’t lip service, but people who actually would come if I called. 

Brady is downstairs working on some little bits and pieces in the basement. Nappers are napping, and big kids are switching between hanging with Brady and playing LEGO. Its a good, quiet afternoon. I’m excitedly anticipating the warmer weather and the sunshine! Enjoying the days makes healing come easier. 

Today was finally the day we took down Christmas. And by “Christmas,” I mean only the tree. And by “we” I mean Brady and the kids, because I’m pretty hands-off these days. 

Truly, though, Dekker did most of the work ❤️ 

Dekker is finally feeling more confident, and his pain is less! His teacher texted me on Friday after school telling me he participated in some free play in the gym, and he was “beaming.” She said he started taking breaks from his sling, which I was so happy to hear! I’ve been suggesting that but he hasn’t been particularly keen on the idea. But I’m sure being at school and wanting to run with his friends helps a lot! His teacher and I will discuss his activities on Monday, but I assume he’ll be on his way to pretty normal activity soon 🙂 Though, will that little collarbone bump be there forever? Because that sucker is NOT smooth at all. Maybe its scar tissue. But like, bone tissue? 🤔 Is that a thing? 

So our tree is packed up back in the garage for another year, but the trees above our cabinets, indoor lights, and mistletoe live on for a while still! With the basement pretty much done, I’m excited to start moving things to where they belong, and now that the tree is down and the toys have moved downstairs from the living room, its time to figure out how our living room will end up! Lots of change going on around here!

I’ve often joked that Waverly should be a therapy dog.

Today was a bit of a rough one. I’ll tell you all about it another day. Maybe tomorrow. I cried a lot today, but it was pretty cleansing and relieving. I got home from an appointment and had a bath. That felt good, too. The highlight of today was the snuggles with Waverly. 

I haven’t gotten to hold her as much recently, with my wrists and hands and all the pain I’m working with/around. She knows I can’t pick her up as often, so she doesn’t come to me as often. Today, she got sad right when it was time for Brady to pick the kids up from school. (Yes, Brady was home today! ❤️) So he brought her to me, where I was sulking in bed. It was the best. 

She lay still on me for a long, long time. Maybe a half hour. I had a few good cozy moments where I was brought back to her newbornhood. 

The day has improved, for sure. But I’m tired. Emotions are tough. I used to cry a lot more than I do now. I don’t resist it, but I don’t cry very much anymore. When I do, I feel great, and way lighter, usually. But, exhausted. And that’s today. 

Tv and leftover pizza is the order of the evening! 

Because of my super-sized pain day yesterday, I spent the bulk of the evening upstairs in bed, letting my body rest a little. It was actually really wonderful and refreshing. As I had mentioned, however, Dekker’s been on the struggle bus recently, and at one point I invited him upstairs for a snuggle. He tends to think he can’t properly snuggle and protect his shoulder at the same time, but once he gets there, he settles easily and stays for a while. I talked him out of his spot on the struggle bus, and he rallied for a cozy selfie. And SURPRISE!!!

Did anyone else catch that Dekker looks like Rowan?!?!?! 😳 I gasped, and showed him and he, too, was super surprised! He recognized right away that he looked like Rowan!! So I crazy!

As tends to happen when I hole up during the evening, Brady sends the kids up to kiss me goodnight. Its actually the nicest thing. I love it so much. The kids like to see whats up there, what I’m doing/watching, etc. Waverly is still new at the concept of coming upstairs, giving a hug, and then going back down to finish bedtime stuff, partly because she’s just a little one and doesn’t know much about routines, and partly because she very recently slept up in our room anyway.

On this particular evening, Wavy was the last to arrive for hugs. She excitedly ran over to my bedside and gave me a big hug before running off to the door. But she got sidetracked when she saw some socks on the floor. Solly stood by the bedroom door, coaxing her. “Come with Solly, Wavy!,” he called. She looked from the socks to Solly, and back to the socks. I tried to help Solly, and called Wavy to go with him. But she seemed to be stuck. Finally, she bent down and picked up all four socks, dropped them into a nearby hamper. Then she followed Solly back to the bedrooms.

And that just felt crazy to me, because my toddler knew to tidy. I don’t know, it sounds so small but it made me excited. It thrills me that my children naturally help and pitch in, in their abilities at their ages. I have to see those little victories along the way, when I’m feeling like I’m a monster mom.

My sweet little toddler knows socks don’t belong in the middle of the floor. Hopefully she remembers that as she ages.

Dekker is extra worn out at the end of the day recently, for obvious broken-bone reasons. He is struggling hard, but he’s SO clear about his feelings that its endearing.

Yesterday, as we were sitting down at the supper table, he became upset about something and started crying. When I asked what he was upset about, he shouted that he was just in a really bad mood. I went over to him and tried out something that works sometimes but sometimes makes it worse. I ever so gently teased him. 

“Dekker. Are you on the struggle bus?”

He rolled his eyes, but I saw a smirk crack before he switched back quickly to a frown. 

“Wait. Are you driving the struggle bus?”

And there it was. He laughed and said he was. I told him I, too, was on the struggle bus. Laela jumped into our conversation and said she was the passenger on the struggle bus, though Dekker was quick to correct her that buses didn’t have passengers in the front the way cars and vans did. Rowan said he sat in the middle of the struggle bus, and Solly shouted that he “sat in between dad,” whatever that means. The message sent was that we all ride the struggle bus sometimes 🤷‍♀️ 

During supper, the struggle bus broke down and there was a bit of a desperate situation there. But Bus Driver Dekker managed to repair the struggle bus, just in time for it to break down again 🙄 That is one unreliable struggle bus we operate over here. 

I thought it was all a pretty adorable exchange. 

Today, I have hopped onto the struggle bus in full force. My pain has rejected my outing yesterday, and is insisting I stay relaxed and seated as long as possible. Tomorrow’s OB appointment is cancelled. My mom’s dentist appointment for this afternoon is cancelled. Plans with friends are cancelled. Everyone is coming around me and my weak, sore, nauseated body, and I’m humbled and embarrassed and disappointed and angry and choked about it. 

I’m trying to listen. But the struggle bus bumps along pretty loudly.

🚌