The Daily Hailey

If you’re a daily reader of this blog, you know I’ve been apprehensive these days. A lot of my thoughts centre around our little lost babies. So many things point to our miscarriages right now, its kind of astounding. Today is another one of those days.

Today marks one year since we found out our Theo had passed away. One year since I experienced true deep grief for the first time. I have been around death in my life before, of course. Just never my own flesh and blood. Not someone who was going to be a member of MY FAMILY. Not my own child. It was new, and raw, and while I have amaaazing support in my husband, parents, and friends, it was a very lonely place.

Last year on this day, I went in for my routine 12 week ultrasound. I was a few days early, 11.5 weeks ish. We left our appointment confused and hurt when our tech told us nothing, and simply told us our doctor would be expecting us. It was obvious the worst was upon us, but she wouldn’t say. Of all days, our child care had a tight timeline, and we couldn’t just stay in the city longer than anticipated, so I called my doctors office and asked if there would be time for me to run home for my kids before coming to meet my doctor. “What appointment” they asked. “Dr. Guselle isn’t in today. What are you needing?” I was SO frustrated! I burst at her “I’m pretty sure I’ve lost my baby but no one will tell me, and I NEED to speak to my doctor!” She scrambled a bit and apologized to me. It wasn’t her fault. She said I could maybe see another doctor, which I declined, and said I was going home. She understood and said she’d have someone call me.

Going home was awful. Telling my mom the baby was gone. Ugh. It was horrid.

I took a couple of phone calls that day, from a resident and from my doctor, who wasn’t in office but someone obviously got a hold of her for me. She gave me ALL the room I needed, but her professional opinion also when I asked for it. We made an appointment to meet two days later.

I cried a lot in those days, and even at our appointment, I cried. I was so tired. So spent. We agreed to wait another couple of days and if nothing had happened on its own, I’d take some medication and motivate my miscarriage to begin. I hate that it reached that point, but it did. There are a lot of horror stories around Cytotec, but it was gentle on me, and for that, I praise the Lord! It was as physically painless as it could be.

I won’t go into further detail, but this day, one year ago, is where it all started. It was an incredibly difficult kick off to 2017; a year that offered some moments of hope, but continually kicked me in the stomach. But it shouldn’t have been easy to blow past. My child passed away. My child who was going to be born right around my birthday! I was so excited for that. For him. For our little Schnookums. What a life changing day.

***

I woke up in dread for the day. My back was already sore, and I was sad. Brady can vouch. I didn’t even want to get out of bed. Brady got up with the kids and I lay in bed, sulking and dozing in and out. Until Brady texted me that Dekker’s first wiggly tooth was more than ready to come out, and of all CRAZY things, Dekker asked Brady to pull it out! If you guys know Dekker, you know this is HUGE. But!!, they did it!! No tears, no blood, no nothing! Thanks be to God that his tiny little bottom tooth was so very ready to come out, Brady did no more than grip it before it popped out. It didn’t even take a pull. And Dekker was SO proud!

(To be clear, this is not his usual bite. He’s just showing off the space 😉 )

His excitement lifted my spirits, at least for a moment 🙂 He was so thrilled, and I was so relieved he wasn’t upset by his tooth coming out. What an exciting milestone to hit on an otherwise bleak day.

Now to figure out how to handle the whole “tooth fairy” thing. It seems she pays some families a lot more than I thought she would! 😬 I worry our tooth fairy will be more stingy than average. She has a lot of people to pay out over here! Whats the going rate for teeth these days?

I read an article a while back that talked about milestones in a pregnancy after loss. I looked for it to reference it here, but there are a handful, and I’m just not sure which one I read originally, so feel free to do some searching of your own. But the BIG one is passing the point where you lost your last baby. I’ve talked a bit about it on here before, but to clarify, Jamin measured 14w3d when he was born at 16w3d. I have reason to believe that Jamin lived a little bit beyond 14w3d, but measured a bit smaller as time moved forward without him. Today, I am 15 weeks. Its a strange, bittersweet time of wondering over here. Somewhere in this stretch of time, we lost our little boy. I don’t know when exactly, but I’m desperately hoping not to relive that experience. Must. Survive. Another. Two. Weeks. MUST. We’ve made it this far, and we’ve made it further in the past. Hopefully we get another chance.

Size Comparison: According to Ovia, baby’s size is comparable to that of an avocado, a yellow canary, an eclair, or a small box of 8 crayons. I liked this list 🙂 It felt more relatable than usual. It specified the baby to be about 4″ tall, and a few days ago, our scan measured baby at 3.3″ from head to butt, so with legs, its probably evened out to around 4″. We tried to find a toy or something that was comparable in size. The best we could come up with was a Charlie Brown bobble head from McDonalds. 🤷 Better than nothing!

Appointments: I had an ultrasound on Thursday last week. I made a post about it because I just couldn’t resist. It was SUCH a good appointment! Seeing the baby move SO MUCH, and seeing so many little organs operating as they should was just so exciting! It brought back funny memories of past ultrasound of past kids. I can’t remember who did what, but we’ve seen a kid scratch their butt, and we’ve even witnessed our kid pee IN THE WOMB! Hahaha! Its been pretty crazy in the past, and while this baby hasn’t done anything too ridiculous just yet, I eagerly anticipate whats to come. Perhaps Bambino is saving all of their antics for the outside world. I can’t wait! Except I can. Ultrasound appointments seem to remind me to be excited, and open me up to daydreaming again. I love that.

How and I feeling emotionally: I touched on this in my intro. Its a strange time. I’m right in between the days of when Jamin passed away, and when we found out about his passing. Plus, his due date also happens to be looming in the next little while. My heart is heavy, to say the very very least. Excitement for Bambino plus sorrow for Jamin are sandwiched together and topped off with a heap of guilt. Its a lot to process. I lost quite a bit of sleep over it last night, actually. These are not the only significant dates floating around in the near future right now, but I’ll talk more about that soon enough. My emotions are suffering, if I’m being honest. No matter how many times I tell myself that what happened with Jamin isn’t common, or likely to happen again, I still wonder when its going to happen with Bambino. Not the healthiest I’ve ever been.

How am I feeling physically: I have a few things to note in this section this week! My nausea is definitely almost gone. I could probably stop taking diclectin altogether, but I don’t have the nerve to risk it just yet. Maybe I’ll drop another one of the doses this week and see how it goes. I already skip the afternoon one, so maybe I could drop the morning one and just keep the dose before bed, since it seems the lack of eating is the only thing that really leaves me feeling sick these days. Other than that, the waddle has begun! And NOT because I’m that big yet, but because my back and one of my legs hurt SO bad! I have to call my physiotherapist stat, because YIKES, everything already hurts so bad. The last thing I’ll note is maybe a bit too personal for the internet, but I can hack it if you can. My boobs hurt a bit less than they have, and I think they finally grew, haha! So maybe the last 10-ish weeks of pain will finally have paid off and that can relax for a bit.Whew!

Wish List/Purchases: I ordered a couple of bathing suit tops online a couple of days ago. I was thinking ahead to summer and realizing I’m going to have some jelly belly to tuck away as I sunbathe on the beach at three weeks postpartum. In ordering those, I got excited to think ahead to the tiny little baby that will hopefully join us at the lake this summer! While our babies are definitely on the larger side of things, and tend to start life wearing 3 month clothing, they all have waists of newborns. Don’t ask me why, but thats just the case! If our baby is indeed a boy, we’re going to need to purchase some teeny tiny newborn shorts for the beach, and I’m SO excited about that!! Eek! I can’t wait to find out!! Soon, I hope!

Pictures: My friend and photographer, Cher, came by this morning for another little photo session with me! Its so fun getting to have record of where I am each month, how I’m progressing in the pregnancy, and the general vibe around here. She lovingly agreed to get this mornings pictures edited and sent to me TODAY, for the sake of today’s post 🙂 So, behold! Hailey and Bambino at 15 weeks along ❤️

How are the kids feeling: This is kind of an awkward one, haha! Its not a secret that the kids are super happy and excited to add another sibling to the mix. Its on their minds a lot. Dekker, being the sensitive little man he is, has babies on the brain a lot of the time. So much so, in fact, that he told me that someone in our life is pregnant. I won’t name who, but he was convinced she was pregnant. I asked him for details, and he had them! He claimed he’s known since around Halloween, what gender the mother suspected she was having, etc. I felt terrible having missed the memo that she was pregnant, but upon confirming with her, she in fact was not. 😯 So I felt AWFUL, and she graciously laughed it off. I don’t think he was lying, though. I think he was convinced! He has such specific examples involving other people and situations! But my gosh, what an awful thing to mistake! Aaaaayway, that being said, I think Dekker is in deep thought about babies right now, haha! Perhaps too much.

Get to know the new baby: We all know this category is really just for me to daydream about who this baby is going to be 😉 I’m looking forward to being further along and being able to tell you what foods the baby responds to, or whether its up all night, or things like that. But really, at this point, its just how I like to view things. This week, I can just tell you that this baby is so so loved and anticipated by so many people! We had our ultrasound last week, and the tech joked about how our baby is the most photographed baby for their age, and that she is really enjoying following our pregnancy so closely and seeing the baby grow and develop consistently 🙂 I love that she seems to be somewhat invested in our family <3 My doctor called me the next day to make sure I got all the info I wanted and that I felt satisfied with it all. She commented to me that the tech must really like us. I kind of laughed at said I didn’t know about that, but she sure liked her! Dr. Guselle said there was WAY more info on his report than there usually is at this point in pregnancy. She said the baby is almost never “weighed” at this point, but our baby was noted as weighing 92 grams! Eek! SO little! I like how many people are along for the ride, anticipating our baby and going the extra mile for him/her. I hope our baby is born very content, knowing just how loved they are.

The BEST part of being pregnant: This week, I held a little baby boy belonging to a dear friend of mine. We were pregnant together until I lost Jamin. Our boys would’ve been a month or so apart. I finally got my chance to snuggle him the other day, and it was SO good for my aching arms to hold a baby. While I wish it were my own baby I was holding, it seemed to satisfy a part of my heart to feel those ultra-soft baby cheeks, smell that new baby smell, and hold his tiny little fingers. Best of all, I didn’t even cry! Though I know it would’ve been ok had I cried. Its good to have friends that you can trust like that 😉 I really enjoyed this chance this last week, to remember how sweet the end result of this whole thing can be. It gave me another moment in time to forget the scary stuff and just be excited.

Baby item recommendation/favorite thing: My favorite thing this week is my big bathtub!! I say that for more reasons than it just being luxurious. It SAVES my body!! In Grey’s Anatomy, they talk about wanting a bathtub that can cover your knees and boobs at the same time, and guys, I have that tub.

I close out each evening with the kids in full waddle, and if I skip my evening soak, I am in just as bad shape as the day before! If I do have that soak, I’m pretty much back to brand new in the morning! So, its key. And I’m SO thankful for it!

Really, all things considering, its been a good week baby-wise. Just a bit of a confusing one for my heart and emotions :/ What I DO know is how thankful I am to have everything and everyone I DO have!! I’ll leave you with one last adorable picture, from Cher, of Solly 😍 because he’s too cute to boot!

This kid is trouble, I tell ya. The BEST kind of trouble, easily.

We are learning more and more that it truly does take a village to raise a child, and I could not be more thankful for our village! This morning, we were up to help lead music, and with my parents not being able to be at church this morning, we had childcare to figure out! This was the first time we’ve lead music without the help of my parents through the service. And thanks to our trusty “village,” we were covered!

As I was trying to figure out exactly how to arrange this a few days ago, I realized that, really, 3/4 of our kids would probably sit tight at our bench without too much fuss. We could either put Solly down for a nap, or slip him downstairs into the nursery, and the other kids would probably just stay put at our bench, and sit or stand through the songs. However, isn’t it always the moment you walk away that one kid bites the dust and falls face first into the wooden bench? Or someone tears a page out of a hymnal? Or someone dumps the goldfish? I know this is always a possibility, and figured it would probably be somewhat irresponsible to just leave them to it and hope someone would jump in and help if need be. A few days ago, I made brief mention of having to figure this situation out here on the blog, and a loving friend said she’d happily lend a hand and keep an eye on the kids. YES! You guys have no idea how something like that lifted so much pressure off my shoulders!!

So I took her up on it! Solly is feeling down and out these days (we think its just teething) so he easily went down for a rest at church when we arrived. The other three sat at our usual bench, and our friend came and joined us just as Brady and I had to head up front to start music.

What a RELIEF it was to have someone so willingly come hang out with the kids! We had to be up a total of three times, and she just spent the service with us. Once Dekker and Laela got to go downstairs for childrens church, she quietly entertained Rowan and told us to just enjoy the service, which is not our usual! We’re in that stage of life where we are usually quietly speaking to our kids or out walking one around something or another, but rarely do we get to focus on the actual service. Church is more about the routine these days, and teaching our children the importance of attending as often as we can swing it! But today, we got to pay attention, and that was SUCH a gift! Rowan was super happy, too, to have a new friend to whisper with. He loved her!

Before our last song, Solly started to cry. Someone came to get us, and Brady went to retrieve Solly. But that was about to make things complicated, because we knew Solly would cry if we passed him off when we went up to lead the last song. He is not abnormal in the way that he cries if Brady or I leave, but recovers quickly once we’ve gone. But we were assured everyone would be fine, so when it came time to go up, we headed up to the front in the midst of Solly’s cries. When we made it to the front of the church and faced the congregation, we witnessed our lovely friend carrying Solly out, holding hands with Rowan, bringing him along. The crying had stopped before we even started singing, and the three were back in the service in a moments time. Solly was completely content after that.

I say again, what a RELIEF. It went SUCH a long way to know my kids were being cared for by someone who was so comfortable with them, and wasn’t afraid of a few tears. That kind of willingness goes a long, long way <3

We’re home now, lunch has been eaten, and ALL FOUR KIDS ARE NAPPING!! What a great way to wrap up an already lovely morning.

Have a happy Sunday, friends. Reality starts again tomorrow!

With this unbelievably harsh cold snap, I’ve found myself more ready than even for warmer weather! I’ve also been back at the task of saving blog posts, and coming across all of our trips to the lake last spring and summer likely hasn’t helped either. I am so ready for spring to come. I will not miss the ice, or the jackets, or the boots, or the mitts on tiny none-mitt-friendly hands, or the crazy static, or the dry lips, or the lack of lines on the roads and parking lots. Spring is welcome any time!

But SUMMER! Mmmmm! Summer is my jam. Especially this summer. ☀️ I have these moments of fear, and not wanting to “jinx” anything, but YIKES, I’m so excited for July! If all goes as I’m hoping it will, we will have our baby in the very beginning of July, and just a few weeks later, we’ll all go to the lake for a week vacation. All seven of us! I cannot WAIT!! Except, I can, because I do NOT want the baby to come yet! Please Lord, let Bambino stay safe on the inside until July, or the end of June is also acceptable, haha!

As I was day dreaming about going to the lake, I realized that I will be pretty freshly postpartum at that point, and I will have nothing to wear on the beach! Let’s have some real talk here, ladies. I’m not going to be actually going into the water, because three weeks postpartum, I will not be done recovering. *cough* bleeding *cough* So I’ll wear actual shorts or leggings on the bottom, but I’d like to have a swim top for the sake of tanning, splashing, sand, etc. When I’m pregnant, I wear a bikini, because why not? When I’m not pregnant, I usually still wear a bikini. I’ve had kids, sure, my stomach isn’t tight anymore. I’m not too ashamed of that. BUT, three weeks postpartum is a different story, and I’m not sure I’m brave enough to hit the beach in a bikini top, with the fresh jelly belly out for the world to see.

So while it felt ballsy, yesterday, I went shopping for bathing suits online. And today, I ordered a couple.

Deep breaths. I know jinxes aren’t real, but it freaks me out. Twice last year, I bought a couple of things for being pregnant in the next season, and have sorrowfully packed them up with all the other baby stuff I’ve hidden from myself. But I figure that if a bathing suit fits me now, as I’m getting progressively “thicker,” it should be able to contain some jelly belly after, correct? Tell me this makes sense. Whether it does or doesn’t, thats what I did, and I’m hoping with ALL hope that I get my chance to wear these on the beach this summer, with my new little baby sleeping the day away under the umbrella. Assuming our baby is another one that sleeps… 🤞

Doing just that alone has me pining away for warmer months, and itching to make more lake plans. However, I’m aware of where I live, and that minus temperatures are here to stay for quite some time still. But mark my words, when the snow is gone and the kids can run around outside in t-shirts and shorts again, no one will be more grateful than me!!

My last three pregnancies have been full of new experiences, to say the least. This current pregnancy has been an obvious mess of emotions and other things, and I realized that I don’t think I’ve told the story about how I found out, how I told Brady, what I did immediately after, or any of those fun details, so here I am today to do just that. Hopefully it interests some of you at least! I totally get it if this kind of thing isn’t your cup of tea. No problem 🙂 I’m not offended one bit.

***

We had never ever conceived on our first cycle of trying, but a person has to start somewhere. Brady and I began the process of trying to conceive as soon as I had my cycle back after losing Jamin. It was completely all over the place, no rhyme or reason to it, but thats to be expected after a loss. I wasn’t optimistic, but I wanted to hope. I had a friend who had lost a baby about a week after I lost Jamin, who was at about the same stage of pregnancy as me. We discovered just how close our dates were, and we promised we’d test together on the same day. I say “together” loosely, since we don’t even live in the same country. Still, its fun to do things like that with a friend 😉 She and I got pretty close in those days of waiting and wondering. When she found out she hadn’t conceived, I had a pretty big cry for her. We were SO similar, I was sure I was out of the running that month as well. It only made sense. But she was a more patient person than me, and once we knew she hadn’t conceived, I went and tested earlier than our agreed upon date with a cheap little strip test from a pack that had been gifted to me. And there was a teeny tiny shred of something. But I was pretty freaked out about the whole thing, and raising hopes was NOT an option, so I sent a picture to another friend who notoriously got evaporation lines on pregnancy tests. She encouraged me to test again. It was still super early, and as I said, my cycle was completely bananas and hard to anticipate. So I did another little cheapie test the next morning. And once again, something showed up. It was darker, but still pretty lame. I could talk my way around it. I showed my friend again, and she was optimistic! I decided to use the ONE expensive test I had on hand – a Clearblue. Now, for anyone out there having babies, or trying to, do NOT use the blue dye tests! I used to buy these all the time because they were half the cost at Costco, but they are horrendous for evaporation lines and believable false positives. Basically, they suck. But it was all I had left on hand, so I took it, and while I didn’t trust it, it sure looked believable.

The next day, I made up some excuse to go to the city by myself. I couldn’t tell you why, I don’t remember. I know I bought groceries, but I’m not sure how I talked my way around bringing the whole family. But, I did. I started at Superstore, and picked up some First Response tests. I even had the forethought to go ask for a dixie cup at the pharmacy. That turned out to be more awkward than it should’ve been, but I got over it pretty quickly. I bought the rest of my stuff and left. In the van, I pulled out one of the tests and put it in my jacket pocket.

Walmart was next on the list, and yes, I took the pregnancy test in the bathroom there, because I’m classy like that. It was tricky finding where to set everything down in the tiny stall, but I made it work, and then I just sat in there and waited the few minutes before I looked. And it was there! Very faint, but there it was! I was kind of in disbelief. I sent a picture to my friend, and then put my phone and the test in my pocket, and didn’t look at any of it until I was done in Walmart.

Now you’re not supposed to look at tests after the ten minute mark, but I obviously did once I got to the van. And in the natural light, it was unmistakeable!!

The progression went like this:

I was pretty floored, and unsure of what to do from there. I hadn’t spent any time planning how to tell Brady when I found out, because I just hadn’t anticipated conceiving yet! I know people say you’re extra fertile coming off a loss, but it had taken three months (I think) after losing Theo to conceive again. But really, what do I know?

So naturally, as one would do, I texted Jerilee.

We agreed to meet up for a quick coffee date, so we could celebrate, and try and figure out how to tell Brady. It was SO special to do that with my best friend 💜 But of course, I was completely preoccupied and self involved, and didn’t even think to take a bestie selfie or anything! Would’ve been a fun opportunity for one 🙂 Maybe next time 😜

We grabbed coffee at Starbucks and did a couple laps of the mall. It was only a few days before Halloween so I was kind of hoping for one of those maternity shirts with the baby skeleton on it, or something along those lines, but no such luck. The closest was a “team blue” or “team pink” shirt, neither of which were going to be helpful at this point. I looked for “daddy” mugs but they were either all either geared towards first-time fathers (which Brady is clearly not) or they were dumb and negative, talking about how life will now be full of spit up, sleepless nights, etc. Thats just not our kind of humor. Someone working at Hallmark tried to sell me on a picture frame to put an ultrasound picture in, but I am not a person to go to a first ultrasound without my husband if I can help it! There was no way I was waiting that long, either.

I finally found the ONE thing that announced a pregnancy. A weird purple/brown hand towel. The message is poorly executed, and it doesn’t even have an exclamation point! Very reminiscent of the “It is your birthday.” banner from The Office.  I had literally NO other ideas, and didn’t want to leave empty handed, so I went for it. It wasn’t all that cute, but it was something. I set it up at home on our en suite sink.

And the guy didn’t find it until later that night!! He even went in and ran a tub, but didn’t notice it on the sink. I finally played the needy card and asked him to go get me something from the bathroom even though I was five steps away from it. Being who Brady is, he immediately went to retrieve a Q-tip, or whatever the thing was, and saw it! I cried, and he laughed. He was more on the “thrilled” side of things, and less on my “panicked and terrified” side of things. Its ok, we balanced each other out 😉

The next couple of weeks held lots of calls from my doctor and OB, getting into the routine of taking aspirin every evening, and LOTS of blood work! I am NOT a needle person, and even after all the blood work that came with losing Jamin, and all the testing, and then ALL the HCG beta tests I did every 2 days following conception, I still hate them, haha! Maybe even more than I did. But seriously, someone can draw my blood every day for all I care. It was SO reassuring to see my hormones levels not only double every two days like they’re supposed to, but TRIPLE!

It was a crazy crazy time, and I don’t think I had ever felt so scared to be pregnant, but excitement only grows as baby does. I’ve got a great God, a loving husband, and amazing friends and family who care about us, keep in touch with us, and pray for us. I am as well set up as I could ever ask to be.

Thank you to everyone who liked/commented on/reached out to me regarding yesterdays post. Its so cool to see so many people care about our family and the life of our little Bambino. Please continue to keep us in mind in the coming weeks. Before the end of the month, we’ll hopefully pass the stage of pregnancy at which we lost Jamin, and we will also cross over his due date all at the same time. I’m not sure how thats going to look but I’m already feeling heavy.

We’ve had a bit of a rough start this morning, but on with the day! Dekker is at school, Laela is at preschool, and I’m home with the little boys. We are finally warmed up, and Solly is getting the breakfast he slept through earlier this morning before we left for school. He is a SUPER happy camper now, and Rowan is happy to have the freedom to play with anything he wants. Its nice and quiet, and a cozy blog opportunity for me.

I’d love to hide inside for the rest of the day, but I’ll venture out again soon to pick Laela up from preschool. I’d better get used to this weather. I hear it’ll be upon us until Tuesday at least. Oy, it is COLD today. My patient little bunch sat in our van for over a half hour this morning and it never fully warmed up. I could audibly hear the kids shivering away. Hopefully there is still SOME residual heat from the morning when I go to restart the van in an hour or so. Brrrrr!!

I have no big commitments today, but I have a card to write, a bed to make, and I have to make a plan for Sunday morning. Brady and I are part of worship leading this Sunday, but my parents aren’t around to watch the kids this time! We’ve got it mostly organized except during morning sound check practice. I have to figure that out as soon as possible, because thats usually the time that the kids get up and have breakfast, haha! Maybe they’ll have to come eat Cheerios in their jammies at church… 😉 Probably I can come up with something a bit more conventional than that, haha!

So, a low key day. I think I’ll finally relax when Laela is back from preschool and I can be inside again. The dread of outside is real!

Stay warm today, friends! And again, many thanks for your love and support for our family. It means more than you can understand.

I get so extra nervous the day before I have an appointment. My subconscious seems to be expecting us to show up to the appointment and discover that the baby has passed. While I have no reason to think anything is out of place with the baby, I didn’t last time either. Its all pretty tricky, but I’m trying to roll with it all as gracefully as possible. Full disclosure, the “graceful” part isn’t working even a little bit, but I haven’t stopped trying to be less of a basket case.

Last night, I began to grow nervous of my ultrasound the next day. After much deliberation, I pulled out my trusty doppler and went on the hunt for some reassurance. And I found it fairly quickly, thank goodness. As soon as I located the baby’s little heartbeat, the baby kicked the doppler good and proper (its a very specific sound) and swam away. I chased it down for a minute or two before I felt better, and then put it all away. It helped my heart immensely.

We dropped Dekker off at school this morning as a family, and the rest of us drove to the city for my ultrasound. We listened to the soundtrack for “The Greatest Showman” and after my favorite song played, Solly exclaimed “Oh Ya!” He is so so cute. The kids are so familiar with our clinic now, so they found some toys in the waiting room, and Solly stood suspiciously in front of the door that leads us to the back exam rooms, anticipating our turn. When it finally was, our tech called us back and greeted all the kids very warmly. She told us right away that she’d put her Christmas gift from us (fuzzy slipper socks) to good use in the last couple of weeks, which was so sweet to hear 🙂 But it just got better from there, as we scanned over the baby and once again, saw it move around and kick. We got to see SO much! The heart, kidneys, bladder, lungs, etc. Its just so amazing how much changes in such a short time! Baby finally has a weight today of 3 oz, and measures about 8.5 cms from head to butt. Jamin measured about 14w3d when he was born, and today, I’m 14w2d. Its a bit close to home, but its actually been interesting for me to know some details about this baby. Jamin weighed 60 g and Bambino weighs about 85 g. Bambino is 8.5 cms but that doesn’t include his legs. Jamin was 13.5 cms, so maybe they’re close in height too? All babies and pregnancies are different, obviously, but you can’t help but wonder, right?

Baby was in a bit of a funny, more squished position, so our tech couldn’t get any great full body profile shots, but I’ll take what I can get <3

Still a good little face!

We got our cute little pictures and headed off to the next stop. Brady had to get some fasteners, and then we needed diapers and wipes, so two stops. While Brady was in getting his framing nails, I looked back and saw this.

I think the last time there were cookies in the van was maybe when we looked at Christmas lights that one night? Maybe?? Either way, ew. But he was clearly happy, so I let it happen. But the sugar was grossly unhelpful, and no less than twenty minutes later, he was dozing.

We listened to good music the whole drive home, though Rowan did throw out one request for “the dingle balls song.” 😳 Jingle bells, I figured out later. Weirdo, lol!

We’re home now, and I’m just chilled through and through! The kids are all napping, and Brady had to drive to the city for literally ten minutes of work 😩 So I’m up in bed, desperately trying to warm up! I’m dressed warm, coffee and a hot lunch didn’t do it, so I’m not sure what my next step is 🤷 I guess we’ll see how desperate I get! First, blog. Then, YouTube. And then we’ll see where I end up. But it had better be indoors!!!

I hope you’ve all had some positivity today! Sure makes these grey days just that much easier.

Its felt like an incredibly busy day. I’ve been running for what feels like all day. Its been productive but I am wiped out! I can finally take a break to blog, while resting my body 🙂

I started the morning off by taking Dekker to school. The weather has lifted a little since out -50 Christmas holidays, so it feels nice out. I made it home pretty quickly and threw back half a cup of coffee before taking Laela to preschool. I was a parent helper there this morning, so I stayed at preschool with her for a couple of hours. Laela does very well at preschool, but she’s always a tiny bit hesitant to go in at the beginning. She was thrilled that I was staying today, which was very good for my mama heart. Our relationship is a bit strained these days, so to have her want me around, and to come hug me between activities was so special! We had a nice morning with the other kids, and drove home right in time for lunch.

About halfway through the morning, I realized that not only had I not eaten, but I had forgotten to take diclectin! Ack! No good. So I was relieved to sit at the island for a few minutes and finish my coffee, while eating some leftover perogies. Yum!

I barely ate lunch and used the bathroom before I was out the door again and to the city. I went to my chiropractor this afternoon for the first time in almost a year! With it having been such a long time, my lower back is in a LOT of pain and developing angry misalignment bumps. It was time. So I went in, and I swear he didn’t recognize me right away. We caught up a bit, and I had to tell him about our difficult year last year. I was nervous to go through it all with him, because I tend to cry a bit easier when I’m recounting our losses for people who don’t know about them to begin with. He was very compassionate, and I didn’t cry, which was HUGE for me. Once history had been hashed out, he treated my aching body. It was a lot, and I’m feeling pretty drained from it, but it felt really good to be back in place. Whew!

I went straight to Costco from chiro, and did a nice big shop. I FINALLY remembered to get a few things that I almost always forget, so the list is wiped pretty clean, which always feels good. Pushing that heavy cart didn’t feel great on my angry back, but what can you do? I packed my groceries into our bus and drove home with the soundtrack to “The Greatest Showman” blasting in my van. Seriously, if you have the opportunity to see that movie, SEE IT. Life changing stuff.

I made it home at 2:30, and took a load off while Brady unpacked the groceries. He, Laela, and I took a quick cookie break at the island. The little boys were still napping. But shortly before 3:00, I was out again, getting the mail before going to pick Dekker up from school. Lucky for me, Dekker was in a super happy mood, and was a good little buddy as we walked together to the van. He was so bundled, which was right, because its winter, and we’ve had freezing rain all afternoon, but he was just a sweaty mess when I got him, and I got to hold his hot little hand all the way to the bus. I love him <3

Since getting home, I’ve taken off my jeans and crawled into bed, haha! Don’t judge me, you’re jealous. I need to rest my sore body, and take a little break. And eat!! This whole “skipping a diclectin” business only works when I snack a lot, and I just haven’t had the chance today!

We have a nice low key evening ahead. A friend is dropping by to pick songs with us for leading music on Sunday, but we’ll just chill in the living room together and leaf through our big music binder. I’m anticipating that, and then a soak, because ooooouch!!!

Happy Tuesday, friends!

We’re back!! I’m sad it took me so long to start this series, but last week felt great, and I’m happy to get another shot at a blog series depicting a pregnancy! I know not everyone is able to carry a pregnancy, and no one is entitled to have a baby. Trust me, I know this. And I am SO grateful to be able to carry this baby, for every day I am able. I saw someone ask a question the other day online that really motivated me to put my best foot forward in this situation. She asked the mothers who were currently pregnant after a loss how they felt about the next year. Did they feel anxious, or hopeful? Obviously, I feel both. I would be lying if I said I didn’t. BUT, I want to focus on HOPE, because I want my Bambino to be born to a family who has celebrated them all along the way, and has been excitedly anticipating their arrival, rather than living in fear and dread and expecting the worst end result. I want my heart open. You’ve heard me wonder many times whether one can protect their heart while leaving it open, and for me at least, I just don’t think I can. Maybe, in this case, it has to be all or nothing. I am not ignorant to what could happen. No siree. I am far too aware of what losing a baby would feel like. But I want to celebrate with no inhibitions. I want my baby born into hands that have been itching to hold them, not hands that are fearful and shaky and weary. I don’t know, guys. Goals. Lots rolling around in my mind these days. Let’s dive in.

Size comparison: I struggled (not seriously) with this weeks size comparison last time around, too, because the app I like to follow for this particular information says the baby is the size of a house mouse 🤮 I am NOT a fan of mice. It also suggests a beet, but I feel like beets vary in size, and I also don’t like them. And I REALLY like this baby ❤️ So I did a quick google search and was told the baby was approximately the size of a lemons. And I really like lemons! So I’ll take it. Roughly 3.5”, apparently. I have an ultrasound later this week so maybe I’ll be able to tell you the size more accurately in a few days. But this is the best I know for now! Lemon baby.

Appointments: I saw Dr. Guselle last week Thursday, on the 4th. As I said last time around, I’ll be seeing her every other week, and on the alternating weeks, I’ll go for ultrasounds. Its all just surviving the upcoming weeks until I can start feeling movement, and then some of this will slow down. As long as I can hack it, which I really hope I can.

How am I feeling emotionally: On one level, I feel really good. I hesitate to mention it because I know its controversial, but I have home doppler for listening for baby’s heartbeat. Now I KNOW it could get sketchy if one day I can’t find it, and then I panic and insist on seeing a doctor, and all of that. Trust me, I KNOW this. Thats why I’ve been so hesitant to bring it out. That being said, I bit the bullet and tried it out the other day, and was able to find baby’s heartbeat right away!! I followed the baby as it floated across my abdomen, and just breathed it in. It was a huge relief, and my emotions could lift a little. But, real talk. These coming weeks are big and scary in my heart. I was 16.5 weeks along when I found out Jamin had passed away, but he measured 14.5 weeks. Now, without getting too “icky,” that doesn’t mean thats exactly when he passed. Its entirely likely he died a bit later than 14.5 weeks, but got a bit smaller over time. Ugh. I hate thinking about this kind of thing so logically, but thats just where I am. All of this being said, I’m not sure I’ll breathe much easier until we are fully past the point where we lost him, found out he was gone, etc. I want to see/hear him at 14.5 weeks, and very much at 16. 5 weeks too. I know there are never any guarantees, but passing that milestone feels big. Frankly, all the weeks feel like milestones that we’re trying to prevail through. These ones just feel particularly heavy.

How am I feeling physically: My nausea is well on its way out!! For at least a week, I’ve been forgetting to take my afternoon diclectin, with no real backlash!! If I don’t eat well in the day, I do feel sick by the end of it, but its well within my control. I think I’ll go another week or so without afternoon meds and then start weening off the rest. Woot! Besides my nausea, my pelvic pain and reflux still mean business, but I’ve been stubborn about not calling my physiotherapist, almost like its admitting defeat. My doctor asked me last week if I had been in touch with her yet, and I said I hadn’t, and that I was just too angsty. She laughed at me and said “Well, that’ll show ‘em…” and she’s totally right. I have it written down to make that call today. And to possibly see my chiro in the meantime, because my lower back is piiiiissed.

Wish List/Purchases: I was online shopping a bit with baby in mind over the last couple of days. But that’ll be more fun when we find out the gender, so I’m holding off 🙂 The things that are actually more necessary to purchase are a bit bigger, and I’m pretty gun shy on them :/ So they’re on hold for now.

Pictures: I’ve been doing this picture thing all wrong, haha! I posted a belly picture a few days ago. I’ll get better at it, I promise! I just haven’t felt totally confident with how things are looking just yet. I’m looking forward to my belly being tighter/harder with baby, and less soft and squishy, lol!

How are the kids feeling: If you remember, we’ve watched “Storks” with the kids a couple of times recently. Dekker verbalized his feelings so clearly to me by pointing out why he said he loved the movie. “I love that everyone that wants a baby gets one. They just…get one! I hope we get one too. Except storks don’t actually bring them…” The thoughts went on from there, but I love how his heart wants our family to grow, too. As an aside, my doctor asked how the kids were feeling about me being pregnant again, and she complimented us on talking to them about our losses, and how healthy it is to let them learn to grieve with us, and then get excited with us, too. That was so encouraging to me and my mama heart. I like that my doctor cares about more than just the general physical health of the baby in my womb, but the emotional health and stability of my entire family. She wins every prize.

Get to know the new baby: Our baby is not a fan of being poked with the doppler 🙂 Not in an angry way, but they always swim away from it. Any time we’ve found it (whether myself or Dr. Guselle) baby is actively trying to get away from it. Maybe baby isn’t put off by being poked, but is rather just super duper busy in there! Bambino has never been sleeping or still during an ultrasound either. Since they were old enough to move, they have been! When the baby was basically a stump with legs, those legs were bouncing. I like to think the baby is really active and excited. I cannot wait to feel those kicks and bounces myself. Remind me of these things when I’m aching from being kicked in the ribs day in and day out 😉

Best part of being pregnant: Easily, the most exciting part of being pregnant this week was finding the heartbeat on my home doppler! We took a video of it to remember it, and I wanted so badly to post it on Facebook and Instagram, but I didn’t want to deal with the inevitable nay-sayers, haha! Maybe I’ll finally put it on YouTube and put it on here another time, so only you guys would know it was there 😉 We’ll see. But that was the BEST part of being pregnant this week, hands down.

Baby item recommendation/favorite thing: I could talk about a lot of things that are favourites of mine recently! I’m STOKED about our new diaper pail, but I already kind of gushed about that the other day. Seriously though, Ubbi diaper pail ALL the way! But I think my favourite for today is obvious. Its my doppler! This is NOT me saying everyone should get one of these, because it might not be smart for everyone to have one. Do your research, and make sure you wouldn’t become a crazy person with it 😉 My advice, anyway. I bought mine back to celebrate our fifth pregnancy the first time I got pregnant with our fifth, meaning I bought it right towards the end of 2016, before I lost anyone. Probably, if I didn’t already have it, I wouldn’t buy one now. Because, anxiety. But, I have it, and used it like the day after an appointment, so I was confident in the heartbeat being there, and it was. I think I will only use it at times like that, like the day before or after an ultrasound or appointment, just to keep my heart safe. But the details are, I got this thing for dirt cheap off of AliExpress, and it works really really well!! Like it doesn’t feel like junk. If you were to hypothetically get one for yourself, the resale value is there 🙂 Just saying. Lots of people are on the hunt for these things, and they’re hard to find locally.

When you’ve gone through nervous times, what have you done to curb your anxiety? Care to share any solid coping mechanisms with this nervous Nancy over here? I try to be as self aware as possible, which helps me a lot. That way, I don’t bottle anything too long, and therefore I don’t usually explode in panic. Besides that, writing blogs is therapeutic for me 🙂 And to take control of my awful biting/picking/finger destroying habits, I’ve started to get my nails done, and that has been amazing!! Not only do I not bite and rip at my fingers anymore, but its way harder to pick at other places on my body, like scratches, zits, or ingrown hairs. I am in far less physical pain, and that has been a huge relief! What do you guys do to keep yourself in control when you find yourself easily falling out of control?

School is about to start back up! I can’t believe it! Its been a beautiful stretch of sleeping late, eating special food, snuggling with the kids a lot, and taking it easier in general. I have thoroughly enjoyed the two week stretch of fewer responsibilities and less deadlines, it will be good to get back into the swing of real life.

As my nausea lifts, I’m less of a zombie and therefore, haven’t been sleeping as deeply. With my schedule so backwards with being on holidays, I anticipate I’ll be pretty wiped in the beginning, getting the kids up shortly after 7:00 each day, but I hope that will help me sleep better at night! Thinking of the kids, I think they’ll be excited to get back into their usual routine of school, preschool, and kids club. Routine is a beautiful thing, even though we have loved the freedom to do what we want, whether its fun outings, morning movies, etc. I won’t complain about either option.

Tomorrow, Dekker will go off to school and I’ll take the other kids with me to spend the day at my moms. Brady will be home, spending another day framing our basement, hopefully coming to the end of finishing that up!! There’s not too terribly much left to do, and all the material is there, so we’ll see how it ends up. I’m so excited to have another framing day over here! One day closer to a finished basement 🙂 Our timeline for the basement has been pushed back so many times, for lots of reasons, but I would LOVE to have it finished in 2018. Eventually, we’re going to need the extra bedrooms, haha! But likely not for a while 😉 Its just getting a touch tight upstairs here…

We were going to try and duck out to the walking tour of the Enchanted Forest Christmas Lights Tour tonight, but I just know it would end up being a late night, and I don’t want to do that to Dekker’s teacher the night before he goes back to school! I imagine thats a pretty crazy day for everyone regardless!! A low key evening it is 🙂 Reality starts tomorrow.