The last ten days or so have been incredibly challenging for me. My brain, body, and heart have been struggling, and I can’t and won’t pretend they’re not. I’ve been offered immense sensitivity from the people closest to me as my mental and emotional wellbeing took a fast drop. Thankfully, God has managed to drag me out of some of the muck, and I’m able to have at least some clarity, finally.
My grief is rooted in all of the change we’ve encountered this year. I’m sure that comes as a shock to literally no one, but there is so much tied to that. I’ve been very careful what I’ve said on the topic, for fear of people thinking I am carrying resentment. I also really, really don’t want to hurt Brady’s feelings. HE is not the complication. I say with a full heart of truth that I have ZERO resentment towards the changing needs of my husband. I am NOT upset that my husband is in a wheelchair. HE is not complicated. Our life has just changed.
And with this change, it means we have to let some things go. Some big things.
Its time for us to start talking about moving.
*sigh*
We love our house. We planned it, and watched it be built from the ground up. We dreamed about this house for years!
I’ve battled my love for this house since Brady got home, because he is completely able to get anywhere in the house. So why not stay? Brady is capable of doing stairs. But its slow, and hard, and tiring. Our modified bi-level has three staircases. He can do them. But just getting up to our bedroom once or twice in a day is more than enough stairs, and his body is DONE.
In this house, Brady can no longer race to help someone crying on a different floor. He can no longer help do laundry. He almost never has the strength at the end of the day to tuck in the kids who sleep in the basement. He can’t help kids put shoes on. He can’t retrieve something he left in his room. He can’t get into the pantry. He can’t turn around in the bathroom. He cannot even go to open his front door. That realization was the kicker for me. The man of the house cannot answer his door.
There are too many things that are WAY too hard here. While Brady can do stairs, if there were only stairs to the basement and nowhere else, he would actually be able to go down there a bit more often to be with the kids. Our master suite above the garage has been an oasis, but to have our room on the main level would now be a dream. Main floor laundry. Wider doorways. A bigger main bathroom. An accessible shower setup. Here just doesn’t work so smoothly anymore.
We need something different. While Brady is immensely capable considering all he’s been through, it is important to gauge where energy is most needed and best utilized, and it is clear that all the stairs in our house are holding him back from doing all he wants to do.
Once I came to this realization, some of my fog began to lift, and we’ve been moving forward in our thoughts and plans. We need some time, but planning is of the essence for practicality, and also my anxiety 🙃
God is the only one who can make this happen smoothly for us. We need a pretty specific home, and we currently have zero proof of income. But God can make it happen. He knows what we need, and He already knows the outcome.
Aaaaall of this being said, carry us in prayer, please. And if you have ANY idea of ANYONE looking to move to Dalmeny in the next year, please send them our way 💜This is a BEAUTIFUL house.
Lord, lead us and guide us.