I’m not shy about the fact that I bottle feed my babies. I used to be, but I’m not anymore. I REALLY don’t want this to be a controversial post AT ALL, so I beg of you all. If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all. Feel free to judge me if need be, but I’d prefer if you kept it to yourself. This was such a tough subject for me not too long ago, and while I’m more confident in my choices these days than I was years ago, I’m still human, and things still hurt me sometimes.
When I had Dekker, I very much planned to nurse. Bottle feeding was SO taboo and was only to be used as a last ditch effort. It was (and still is, I’d say) considered a failure to bottle feed, because if you’re feeding your baby with formula, you obviously COULDN’T nurse! So I very much expected to breastfeed my child. I stocked up on nursing pads, nipple cream, etc. I bought a nursing pillow. I had done my research on the subject, knew all the tricks to make it easier for a first timer, etc. I was ready.
And then I delivered this MASSIVE child. Ten pounds, ten ounces. He was huge, and I was so scrawny. Holding him hurt my arms SO much, being that I was new at holding babies, and that mine was so much bigger than average. I was asked in delivery if I was going to breastfeed or bottle feed. I said I was going to try to nurse. She responded to me with “Are you going to try to breastfeed, or are you going to BREASTFEED??” To this day, I’m not sure what my response was, but if I could go back, I’d probably laugh and say “I’m going to try.” But I was new, so I’m sure I politely said I was going to breastfeed.
I was encouraged to start immediately, which is great. He nursed and nursed and nursed and nursed unceasingly. He was so hungry, and my milk was obviously not in yet. Again, all normal. I know this. But it was hard. I was so wiped out. Being that I was new, I let a few bad latches go too long and ended up with bleeding nipples. Guys. There is no other pain like that. Trying to let him nurse on a wounded nipple was unreal pain!! Just bananas. But I worked with it. I agreed to sit with that crazy breast pump for a while to try to draw SOME milk out for him, and then a nurse came in and fed him the few drops we retrieved off of a little plastic spoon.
I kept being told to position him in a way that I didn’t actually have to support his weight. Prop pillows up, they said. Hold him like a football beside you. More pillows. Lay beside him. Aaaaall the pillows. I stacked those pillows to high heaven, let me tell you. I tried all the holds. Maybe I was just bad at it because I was new, but there was just no way! I couldn’t figure it out. “Keep trying, you’ll get it!” So I did. I kept trying! I nursed him through our couple of days at the hospital and took him home with the plan to continue.
The home visit nurses came over sometime in the next day or two. They weighed him, measured him, and deemed that he was doing fine size wise. I told them I was struggling with nursing him, that I was in huge amounts of pain, and that he was never ever satisfied. He was dropping in weight still, but he had started so huge that no one was worried. They came once more a couple of days later to help me with breastfeeding. I sat in my bed with all of my pillows stacked under my son, popped my boob out, and accepted the help. She walked me through latching, and I wept and cringed as he attached. “Don’t tense up like that, your milk won’t let down that way.” So I bit my lip and fought through it. She sat and watched him drink for a bit once it was clear the latch was established. Maybe 30-45 seconds in, she asked me to detach him. So I did. She looked at my sad, broken nipple, all misshapen and bleeding, and said “Huh. Well it looked like a great latch, but that doesn’t look right.” I had a brief moment of relief before she said “Well, keep trying! You’ll get it!”
And that was that.
I feel like I HAVE to say something here, because I know someone else will. Yes. I could’ve travelled to the city and sought out the breastfeeding cafe, lactation consultants, etc. There are absolutely resources I could have looked into. But for lots of reasons, both good and bad, I didn’t. I was new, and figured I could figure it out eventually. I was embarrassed. I was exhausted. I was nervous to take my baby out by myself. And unbeknownst to me, my stitches from delivery were dreadfully infected, and the pain from that made it incredibly difficult to leave my house. So I didn’t, and I kept fighting through the struggle at home.
Those weeks were brutal. I didn’t realize it right away. My baby would cry, I’d nurse him, and then pass him off as fast as I could. I would cry and cry and cry. I had the purest mouth before I breastfed, but I swore my way through that pain. I WANTED it to work. I remember feeling such shame, all self inflicted, when I went to buy a breast pump and bottles. I just needed to give my broken body a rest. “You know pumping doesn’t do the same as actual nursing. Your supply might drop.” Yes, yes, I knew that. But I NEEDED to. I continued to nurse as I could, and pumped and fed in between. I was in SO much pain.
I took my son to our two week postnatal appointment right on time. And my son had continued to drop weight. Not a lot, but enough. Now you guys now how much I love my doctor. She is exceptional. The picture of what a family medicine physician should be. And I know for a fact that she is a HUGE advocate for breastfeeding. She took one look at my weary face and gave me an escape. An out. A life saver.
“Are you just done?”
“I really want to be…”
“Then be done. That is perfectly fine. Its not worth this much. Thats why we have options.”
And that was that.
Just like that, I knew it was going to be fine. She told us where to go and what to buy, and she pulled ALL the fear out of bottle feeding.
One week later, we went for a follow up visit, and we celebrated as a group upon discovering that my son had gained a TON and was easily up past his birth weight. We made the RIGHT decision! Praise the Lord for options!!
Now, you’d think the story would be done now, but its not. Because the answer to the question “Why don’t I breastfeed” isn’t answered yet.
Not many of you know, maybe, but we started trying to conceive again when Dekker was around four months old. We had conceived the first one so quickly, it was an immense surprise when we struggled and struggled to conceive over the next full year with no success whatsoever. It was awful, and I believe that was the very beginning of my experience with anxiety.
I had just received my letter in the mail with my appointment to see a specialist about my fertility when we found out we were finally expecting another baby!!!
And my FIRST thought, I kid you not, was “Oh no. I’m going to have to nurse again.”
Thus proceeded to be an incredibly anxious pregnancy for me. It wasn’t all centred around nursing, of course. There were lots of things I won’t get into, but I was basically a wreck. Partway through my pregnancy, Brady and I made the very private decision to bottle feed from the get go. Not because I couldn’t nurse, but because that was just one less thing on my list of things to worry about. It was just done. Off the list. That was that.
And it was SO freeing! An amazing weight lifted off my shoulders, and I could breathe again. We told Dr. Guselle our decision, and she supported us fully. She even put it on my prenatal info sheet, and requested, albeit professionally, that no one needed to harp on us about it. Done and done.
And thats how its continued throughout the years and the babies. We have found an amazing groove with bottle feeding, and I can say 100% that I am SO happy with our decision.
We all do it differently, and that’s ok 🙂
I know its a super hot button topic, and I have NO desire to stir that pot whatsoever. I just want to share our backstory and answer the question of why we bottle feed our babies 🙂 So there you have it.
That is that.