I was SO off yesterday. I couldn’t get it together in just about any way. Not with my family, not with myself, and definitely not on the blog. It was an incredibly overwhelming day that I positively could not work out in my head, and that just made me feel crazier. I would go upstairs and take a nice long break, but when I would finally resurface and try to join my family, I would break down so quickly and have to quickly retreat back upstairs. It was not a good scene.
The good news is I think I figured out what happened! Sort of. As much as is possible, anyway.
Since we lost our Jamin, people have been reminding me to grieve in any way that I need, however that looks. Not to stifle my feelings, not to push too hard, etc. To feel mad, sad, ripped off, exhausted, confused, numb, you name it. I have been given all the space to basically lose it without judgement. That has felt wonderful, and that freedom has aided in my continued healing. That all being said, for the past three weeks, I’ve been able to take lots of time to sort out my feelings, and feel them all good and proper, if that makes sense. When I’m really really sorrowful, I’ve been able to melt into my tear puddle and take all the time I need there. When I’m completely exhausted from the day, I can go to bed early. When I need to just spout and vent, I’ve had that freedom and plenty of willing listeners. When I’ve found joy or hope, I’ve been able to express it to close friends and family freely. I’ve not felt judged or minimized once, which is really saying something for the beautiful people I have in my life.
While everyone gave me aaaaall the leeway to lose my cool and just straight up panic, I haven’t. I haven’t really tried not to lose it, but I haven’t been at that point of total confusion and derailment.
I think that is why I was SO off base yesterday. I wasn’t angry at anything, really. No one was particularly bothering or upsetting me. I wasn’t too tired from a bad night. I wasn’t sorrowing harder than I had been the days leading up to yesterday. The kids weren’t harder to handle that day. But for one reason or another, my nerves were SHOT and I couldn’t be with anyone. I was completely overwhelmed and overstimulated and unable to process myself and my thoughts and my heart.
This may not sound like a grand discovery to you, but to me, it was a relief. I think this is what people have been saying is normal. This is the behaviour that all of the loving people in my life have given me room to exhibit, without judgement. For whatever reason, I haven’t found myself in complete panic mode just yet, and thats great! But yesterday, I was completely out of sorts, with no good excuse other than the fact that we lost our son three weeks ago.
Three weeks sounds both so recent and so long ago. Its kind of right in that middle ground where I don’t know how to feel. Where I need to keep on living, but I almost feel guilty when I feel happy or hopeful for a moment. Don’t worry, I KNOW that feeling isn’t of God, and I’m working on it. But still. Its a weird time. A strange interim between the greatest sorrow I’ve ever known, and the rest of our life that I pray only gets better and better. And for whatever reason (I doubt I’ll ever know why) yesterday it just all came at me at once, and I could not for the life of me sort through my aching emotions.
Today has felt better, though I can tell I’m still a bit on edge. I keep telling people my tolerance is really low, and I’m not sure how else to describe that, but its still very true. I don’t want to feel like this forever, though. Always striving to be the best we can be, right? Yet its already been three weeks.
And at the same time, its only been three weeks…..