This is going to be a fairly scattered post but for some reason I have a lot to say today, so please forgive me in advance.
I was driving home from Saskatoon this evening, trying to jot out tonights post in my head, and I started having my car-cry. Does anyone else cry in their car? I know, it sounds pathetic and ridiculous, but my car has become a very safe place for me to get my feelings out. It began for me last year when I was really struggling with anxiety. Without being too personal in such a public place, those months of trying for baby #2 were numerous, and each one more difficult than the last. I know that idea will be lost of some people, but if you’ve ever tried for a baby, whether for one month, or one year, or ten years, every fricking period is hell. Every day its late is worse. Such a difficult time. While I mourned every month that we didn’t conceive, I would do my best to hold it together at home. But in the safety of my car, I cried thousands of tears. My girl Stella (our Mazda) knows a lot about me and how easy it is for me to cry. I think a lot of it comes from “genetics” (thanks mom 😉 ) but lots of it is thanks to last year.
While we are happily and healthily carrying our second child now, sadly 2012 left me feeling like a different person, and I’m not sure I love her reaction to life sometimes. But we’re working on it. I see quite a few changes that are making me happy. For instance, a great harmony in the music I’m listening to can cause me to cry a little. Or today, getting excited about having another child made me cry. I like that I can cry. I think its healthy.
What sparked my cry today was thinking about yesterday, spending time with out friends. You know how weepy people (like me) can be brought to tears by things like that perfect baby smell? Dekker didn’t carry that smell very long at all. Honestly, for more of his babyhood, his fuzzy head and soft little neck smelled of spoiled milk and vomit. And being that he ended up being formula fed, he smelled a bit like dog food. Our friends from last night have a four month old who throws up often as well, very similar to Dekker. He had a good barf last night all over his daddys arms, so I scooped baby up to give Nolan a chance to wipe up. I held baby boy, cuddled into his neck, and as instinct would have it, took a BIG whiff of his neck. He smelled EXACTLY like Dekker. To me, he smelled like the perfect new baby. Reminiscing about that in my car today brought me to tears. I cannot wait to have another baby in my house. And in FOUR WEEKS we will be halfway there!!! That brought on another waterfall of tears. Four weeks. I have been making a conscious effort to not wish these weeks away. I have a husband, and a very precious little 1.5 year old to pay attention to and make memories with. I would kick myself in the butt if I just hemmed and hawed until our second baby came. But four weeks to the halfway point it crazy! Time is going faster than I thought!
As I was tearing up in my car, I took a glance back at Dekker and what did I find? My weirdo son, chewing at his feet, desperately trying to remove his shoes. I burst out laughing and so did he. He is exactly the passenger I needed today 🙂 I can’t NOT add some pictures of him…
As an aside, I figured I’d do a quick little update on the pregnancy itself. I was 16 weeks yesterday. I guess the baby is hypothetically the size of a turnip this week. His/her eyes are on the front of their face (YAY!) and baby will develop fingerprints in the next week or so. Very exciting! As for me, I’m sticking my meal planning very well, and staying as hydrated as possible, but after having my blood pressure show up as 89/56 this afternoon, I’m feeling a little frustrated. I’ve known the entire time that my dizziness and fainting are related to my blood pressure but every check shows up 110/70-ish, so I’ve questioned myself. But apparently its fighting pretty hard to be really low, so I’m not sure what else I can do! Eating well three meals a day plus snacks, and drinks. What gives?! Other than that, I’m happy and looking forward to the weeks to come! Lots going on that I’m anticipating to be awesome! And I finally have a bump that none of you can deny exists!! Proof?
Cha-ching!
It really was a great day. Please don’t think that my car-weeping makes me pathetic or unstable. Its a great place for me and keeps me healthy and happy. I didn’t spend my day crying. I spent my morning with my boys at home, the afternoon with my parents playing cards and eating soup and snacks, and the evening getting groceries and listening to music. I’m completely happy.
Cleared residential roads would make me even happier though… Just sayin’.
You feel free to do whatever you need to do in your car – that’s what it’s there for!…except maybe picking your nose. People always pick their noses in their car as if other people can’t see them. HELLO! The windows are glass! But seriously, crying is not the worst thing in the world. Let it out.
Brady says his van-nose-picking is a necessity after work, hahaha! Weirdo 🙂 But I definitely have my cries. I’m glad you don’t think I’m completely insane!
I like car cries
Glad I’m not alone 🙂