Hey, friends! It always feels a little awkward and vulnerable to talk about my meds publicly, but there really is no stigma here, so why not?
I can’t find the exact date of when I started incorporating Mertazipine into my medications, but I believe it was in October. At that point, I was on SO many different things, and Mertazipine was going to cover ALL the based and bring me down to ONE med only. We did a very slow fade, getting onto it and slowwwwwly weening off the others. And its done its job! With this ONE medication, I was able to nix the heartburn attacks, cut my panic attacks WAY down, manage anxiety, sleep, and eat!
This many months later, however, its not so good. It wasn’t a bad med, but its done its job, and its time to move along. Because some of the effects were causing more harm than help.
The BEST part of Mertazipine was that I slept every single night! NEVER have I slept so well and so consistently! Unfortunately, with that came the side effect of significant fatigue. We had tweaked the amounts and worked with the side effects, but the fatigue hung on absolutely all day. I felt SO limited. SO exhausted. I had never had less energy.
With Mertazipine, I also had an appetite for the first time ever! It was AWESOME, to be honest! I learned why people like food! I had just simply never really cared about food, but on this medication, I did! It was good to catch up on all the weight I lost while Brady was gone, but the number kept going up. This isn’t uncommon with this type of medication, as we all know, but it was a huge shift for me. Weight distribution is a funny thing, but at the height of my weight gain, I weighed what I did at full term pregnancy. And it happened FAST. I gained about 40 lbs in three months.
Another struggle was that, while Mertazipine was managing my anxiety, it wasn’t managing at well as I would have liked. Back in the day when I started Sertraline (for physical pain, of all things) I felt incredible. I felt light and patient and like life was so much easier. The best way I can describe it was that I felt like myself, enhanced. Hailey 2.0. I want to feel that way again.
One week ago, I spoke with my doctor on the phone. We discussed that our “last try” on a different Mertazipine dose had not made a difference. I talked about how I have been trying to give my body its room to rest and have everything it needed, but that I was growing suspicious that my body was SO tired, not from the activity of our life, but of the medication. It felt like a revelation, to be honest. Dr. Guselle and I talked bluntly and I reminisced about how GOOD I felt on Sertraline back before everything got SO extra challenging. Now that we’re a little ways from the really scary stuff, we decided to try it out again. Thankfully, both medications are SSRIs, so switching from one to another too hard. So, that day, instead of taking Mertazipine before bed, I switched it to Sertraline. A complete cold swap. One for the other. No weening, no fussing, nothing. I figured if there was ever a time to just go for it, that would be now, in spring, when I can be outside more, the kids can be outside more, the sun is out, and lake season is upon us!
What I can tell you is that the very next day, I woke up WELL. I hadn’t had a normal morning in months!! I am absolutely still tired in the morning, but who isn’t? I’m NORMAL tired. Being off of that medication has really opened my eyes to how sedated I was! I will say again, Mertazipine served an important purpose and I have ZERO regrets about going on it! But I feel WAY better in the day. I have WAY more energy. I feel closer to me! I’ve missed me! Hahaha!
Another thing I noticed immediately after switching meds was that my appetite was GONE. As in GONE gone. So I’m working on keeping aware of myself, eating at appropriate times in appropriate amounts. I’m not going to wait until my body screams for me to listen. I just have to pay attention in a new way. I can do that. But I will say that I lost five pounds this week just from eating the way I used to, where I am FULL after every meal. I’d say thats a testament to the fact that many meds just change how your body processes food. Its not ALL about how much we eat.
The biggest hit I’ve taken has been sleep, for sure. I’ve been using melatonin before bed, which has helped me get to bed, but it doesn’t help me stay asleep. Most of the last week I’ve found myself awake around 2:00am and have been awake for at least an hour each night. Usually more. But I’m just transitioning meds newly now, and I expect there to be some effects that are less favourable. Also, realistically, I’ve always had a hard time falling back to sleep after I wake up. I had good tools before Brady’s surgery, and I had a good method for probably the first time in my entire life. So I know it can be done again, and I’m working towards that. And hey, all the lake air and activity won’t hurt either 🙂 I’m hopeful!
Thats the latest on me and meds! I appreciate how I have always felt support and care from you, friends, on this subject. I really have no reason to hide, but its vulnerable stuff, and I am very grateful to be able to share openly.
If anyone has any great techniques that help them fall back to sleep in the night, lay ’em on me!