The Daily Hailey

Our little baby boy, Jamin, was born one year ago today. Its been a full year since I held him or kissed him. I was recently scrolling through some old blog posts looking for some unrelated information when I came across his birth story. Part of me didn’t want to read it, but the bigger part of me hated that I didn’t want to read it. So I did. I read them, part one and part two, by myself.

I had a good cry while I read. The details just poured back on me. Not that I had forgotten them, but re-reading it made it all real again. It made me remember that I did go through that experience. It wasn’t a dream. I wish it were.

Its been a bizarre year and a half of learning to navigate grief. Losing Theo in January was the thickest grief I had ever known. The deepest waters. But then losing Jamin was being held under those waters as I struggled to reach the surface or take a breath. As time has passed, I wouldn’t say my grief has gone away or even gotten better, but the things I experienced feel more normal. They’re not new or shocking anymore. They’re just my life. They’re just what happened.

A tricky thing happened when we had Waverly. We had our seventh kid, but actually our fifth, but actually our seventh. The babies I lost are just as precious as the ones I have here at home. I know that, and you know that. I haven’t had to convince anyone. Yet they do feel different, and thats felt bad to me. Any parents who have experienced any form of baby loss know how hard the “how many kids do you have” question is to answer. Through some recent contemplation, I’ve come to realize what makes them different.

I carried Theo for 11.5 weeks. I carried Jamin for 16.5 weeks. I gave them love, and a place to grow and develop for those months, but that was it. That was all I gave them. I never had a chance to raise them, or take care of them, or comfort them. I was never responsible for them. Ever. I will NEVER discount them as my children, but realizing this has helped me understand why they’re different from my other kids. I would have LOVED to have been given the opportunity to care for Theo and Jamin, but I was not. Rather, I have their older siblings to care for and raise, as well as our latest addition, Wavy. One is not better than the other, nor more important, but circumstances have not allowed me access to a couple my children. It was out of my control.

I will forever love the little boys I miscarried in 2017, but they are 100% taken care of. God has all of my children in His hands, for which I am forever grateful. Lucky for me, I’m still on the hook for raising these five and walking them through life. I’m responsible for my children here on earth, but not the ones in heaven. Its just different, and maybe thats ok.

Happy birthday, Jamin! I’ll see you later ❤️