The Daily Hailey

Brady blog time! I heard that a handful of you have requested that I write about my daily experience at the Cancer Centre so here you go.

It always starts with a lovely drive into the city with my wife, whom you all know and love. She tries to get the same rockstar parking spot everyday, right next to the wheelchair ramp because thats how I roll now. But honestly, I feel like a rockstar just getting to park in the cancer centre parking lot. I’ve always made horribly dark jokes to Hailey when we visit the hospital about how lucky those cancer patients are to be able to park so close to the front door. And now I’m one of those patients! Silver linings.

So we park like rockstars, and Hailey heads to get my chair from the back of the van to bring it around to my door. With a steady hand from Hailey on my back I slowly step down out of the van, making sure my right leg will hold, and then plunk down in my chair and get comfy. A smooch, a hug, and an ‘I love you!’ and I’m off. Hailey has been encouraged to stay in the vehicle unless absolutely necessary for covid’s sake. 

This time of year has been pretty perfect because it’s always a refreshing breath of air and sunshine as I turn to wheel up the ramp and around the sidewalk to the front of the building. Through the front door and I’m met with an ‘Oh, there he is!’ or a ‘Here come’s Speedy!’. I’ve built up decent banter with the security guard in charge of the sanitizing and remasking station. He’s very friendly and helpful and makes an effort to make a connection with each person who comes through. The Cancer Centre could not have found a better person to place at the front door, greeting patients in such circumstances. 

With a new mask and fresh hands I head off to the elevators to head down to the basement. For the first week or two I always pressed the call button in between the two elevators and took the first elevator that showed up. I realized after a while that it was always the right elevator that would show up and there was actually a second set of call buttons on the far left. So I was feeling crazy one day and I tried pressing the left side button. Wouldn’t you believe it, the left elevator opened. It. Was. Glorious. 

Never did I think that two elevators, side by side, could be so different. While righty was a typical elevator you’d find in an aging hospital, Lefty was what you’d find in a moderately maintained business tower! Worn, scratched floor vs not worn or scratched. Plastic bumper rails vs stainless steel bumper rails. Yellowed, plastic buttons vs shiny steel buttons. Stanky air vs less stanky air. It is now my elevator of choice. And only the left buttons will operate it so for those of you headed to the cancer centre in the future, look for the buttons to the left of the elevator on the left. It’s worth it.

The ride downs short and uneventful, and then I’m off down the hall to radiation department. The check-in at reception is quick. They ask my name and date of birth and confirm my appointment for the next day and then I hurry down the hall to wait next to one of the socially distanced chairs. It’s usually 5 minutes or less before one of the techs comes to find me and take me to the illustrious ‘Atlantis Room’. It’s all decorated to look like we’re under the sea and the people are super friendly. Asking about my weekend and my family and just being super personable. It’s so nice!

As we chat about the topic of the day I wheel into the radiation room and strip off my t-shirt and glasses, as well as a discrete check of my belly button for lint. Hailey coined the nickname ‘Fuzz farm’. So thats a thing now. 😀 

I then wheel over to the bed and hop up, arranging my legs and laying down into the mould they’ve made of my upper body. It’s very comfortable. 🙂 Then they use the sheet I laid down on to adjust my body until the dots they tattooed on my ribs line up with the laser light show they have set up all around the room. They tell me ‘Dont help us, let us move you’. So I just lay there being pulled and twisted until I hear both techs say ‘Breathing on’ in succession. They operate some controls on the side of the bed and it lifts me up about 5’ into the air and then leave the room. It’s usually at this point that I take note of the amount of BO I have that day being that my arms are propped up above my head and out of the way.

The machine hangs over me like a bathroom faucet while two arms extend out and give me a big x-ray hug. First from the side and then, after the whole machine rotates 90 degrees, from above. The arms then retract as the bed itself makes some small adjustments to make sure I’m in exactly the same spot every time. The radiation faucet then rotates until its all the way underneath me, waits for a second, makes a Ka-chunk and starts buzzing like I’m laying on a bed inside an electrical substation.

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Seconds until the buzzing stops with another Ka-chunk.

I’m staring straight up, praying for healing and strength while Snow’s ‘Informer’ plays quietly from the intercom above my feet. The machine rotates back 45 degrees to my left side. Ka-chunk. Buzz.

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Ka-chunk. More Prayer. More lucky boom boom down. The machine takes a second to rotate all the way around me to reach 45 degrees on the right side. I guess the goal is to hit my spine from below me at three different angles. As the machine rotates over my face I can see that the window where the radiation comes from has what looks like lead fingers extending out from each side with a gap in the middle in the shape of my spine. lol Technology *scoffs*. Ka-chunk. Buzz.

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Ka-chunk. A sense of relief and washes over me like a cool breeze. One of the techs strolls into the room and mentions I can put my arms down now while they grab a remote from the side of my bed and starts lowering me back down to normal height. Chit chat resumes as I climb off the bed back into my chair, wheel over to where my shirt and glasses are to clothe myself again. ‘Have a good night’ and ‘see you tomorrow’ are exchanged and I wheel out of the treatment room, past the under the sea decorations, and down the hall. On Tuesdays I stop at the reviews desk to chat with some incredibly wonderful ladies there about how I’m feeling and how my body is reacting to the treatments. They work incredibly hard to make sure I’m feeling well through my treatments. Good job, ladies!

After that I make a quick pitstop in the wheelchair accessible washroom next to reception and while I’m sitting for a second I text Hailey to let her know that I’m on my way out. I usually offer a ‘see you tomorrow’ to reception as well and then make a beeline for the elevators. Good ole Lefty gives me a lift back up to ground level and I take the alternate exit out because it spits me out much closer to the parking lot. I’m usually inside the building for 25 minutes or less. An important thing to note here is that the vestibule I exit through always smells like the most recent food that was microwaved in the adjacent lunch room. Must be an issue with the ducting.

I exit the building and I’m hit with another blast of fresh air and sunshine. I wheel down the short path to the parking lot and as I round the corner I see my amazing Hailey, bright and cheery and ready to help me load up and go home. 

Upbeat music, a scenic drive along the river, good conversation, and a ginger ale are the usual recipe for the drive home. Overall its a pretty pleasant experience. Nice people, efficient facility and equipment. Seems like a decent setup they’ve got there. No reason to be afraid or nervous. I give it a 5 outta 5 if you’re the type to frequent a place like this. 

Anyways, I think it’s your typical, everyday kind of cancer radiation treatment. Hope you enjoyed 20 minutes in my shoes!

I can’t completely decide what to blog about today. I’m stuck between something light about how cute the kids are, and a brutally honest post about how much I’m struggling. I don’t have a lot of pictures for a kid post right now, or a lot of energy for an honest post about feelings.

I guess you’re getting a little of both. Starting with the heaviest first.

I can’t lie. I can’t pretend I’m not struggling. I do SO LITTLE in a day and am completely finished way too soon. Yesterday, I did one small job – I moved the trailer by hand in our garage a little bit, and drove the golf cart a little straighter. Thats ALL. I moved them to make room for some things, but once I had done that tiny amount of work, my body started to shake, and my heart started to race. I staved off an anxiety attack for the rest of the day. And seriously, I did NOTHING. I am furious at my body for disagreeing so heavily with my brain. How is it that I can feel level, NOT anxious, and still have anxiety attacks?! GAH!!!

Lucky for me, I have a lot of beautiful little helpers around here. My oldest daughter – beautiful Laela – is the quickest to offer her help and to jump into a job without being asked. She is a mother hen, almost to a fault. The most recent picture I have of her might forever be a favorite of mine. I wanted to show her how dirty she was, but somehow, she manages to still look SO gorgeous to me.

Those eyes are unbelievable.

I am so grateful for the people in my family, and in our lives. We could not still be standing without all of your help and care for us. This is, bar none, the most challenging time in our lives.

‘Tis the season to change over the outerwear! We did it a while ago, washing up and packing away the snow pants and parkas.

By “we” I definitely mean my mom, because she did ALL of that! But a couple of days ago, it was time to do the loose ends, which was Brady’s winter jacket, a bunch of the neckwarmers and such, and winter boots. We decided to keep everyone a light toque and mini mitts out, but each kid now has a spring jacket, splash pants, and a hat. They all have rubber boots, but they all needed shoes, and a couple of them needed sandals. So the Value Village hunt began!

Now that everyone has a pair of shoes, I want to show you them all! We’ll go oldest to youngest.

We took a leap and bought Dekker shoes that needed tying, and he rose to the challenge. Not only does he really love the shoes, but he learned how to tie them easier than I thought he would!

I really like his shoes 🙂 They’re shoes I would’ve picked out and paid full price for at a different store. They cost $4.50.

Laela is next, but her shoes came last. We had to go back a few different times to find some that finally fit. Lucky for us, she is really happy with them! They’re sparkly, and they fit her great! She also rose to the challenge of tying shoes!

They look like bowling shoes, haha! I like them 🙂 They were $4.00.

Rowan’s shoes are cool! They’re slip on vans, and while I don’t have a celebratory picture of him liking them, hahaha, he does now. Lol! Truly, he was instantly frustrated when he put them on, but that always makes it harder, right? 😉 So he finally rallied and wore them for a day at school, and now he is completely happy with them 🙂

They are VERY him. I believe they were around $6-7.00.

Solly’s shoes were the first ones we found, and he really really likes them! They’re Airwalks.

He has never once had a single complaint about them! It was an immediate, easy sell. And he could put them on himself with zero issue. I think they were $4.00.

Wavy’s shoes were also a super easy sell. She loved the color, and they fit her perfectly. She can even put them on herself! #overachiever

No picture of her enjoying her shoes either, but she is ALWAYS running, so I haven’t caught that yet! Of ALL the shoes, these tiny little numbers were $11.00.

As a fun added bonus, we actually managed to find Brady a cool new pair of shoes, too! He had gotten a couple of nice pairs of shoes before everything went down. One of his feet is now always a little swollen, and his ankles are a little floppy and hard to get a tighter shoe on. So he has some big shoes that he can wear over his brace, but when he doesn’t wear his brace, he has no well fitting shoes. It feels really bad to take his cool shoes out of the closet and replace them with nothing…

So, these work really nicely! They’re all leather inside and they look cool! He’s super happy with them! I think they were $15.00.

Beyond all of this, Dekker and Wavy can reuse their sandals from last year. Solly will wear Rowans, and Rowan got some slides for $3.00 from Value Village. Laela has proven challenging in the way of footwear, but my mom picked her up a pair of flip flops from Dollarama, which is all she’s wanted all along. So, everybody wins!

Spring can officially stay now. We’re ready.

The kids have been spending an amazing amount of time outside these days. The little ones are such troopers, and are out there just as much as the older kids, whether its sunny and warm or windy and grey.

Grey is a good word for describing yesterday. Not because of the weather, but the color of my children upon coming back into the house. Apparently, yesterday was aaaaall about flinging dirt 🤦‍♀️

Solly was VERY cross when he came inside because we were all laughing. Which I get. I don’t love when people laugh at my face, either. But can you blame us??

He rallied a little once he had seen it for himself, and then let me wash him off.

Wavy was absolutely filthy, but it was mostly her clothes and less on her face.

I could only clean the kids up so much before it was time to eat, but I did my best! It was about halfway through supper when I realized Solly had dirt in his eyeballs 😳

Its not as clear here, but it was floating around the whites of his eyes like crazy! SO much dirt!!!

When the day was finally done, I got Wavy out of her dirty clothes and, lo and behold, found MORE dirt!

That diaper tho! WOW!!! She was just filthy!

At the end of the day, they were clean, and happy, and exhausted. As Spring should be.

Its been about six weeks since we last talked about Rowan and Melatonin. Mellow Rowan, we sometimes call it. And it checks out. Melatonin was the first stepping stone in helping Rowan get a bit more grounded. Magnesium was next. And now, we have him taking probiotics, vitamin D, and Omega 3s. It sounds like a lot, but he is so happy with his “special” vitamins, and he takes them willingly and easily.

Something I’ve witnessed as time has gone by is that Rowan is able to put in more effort. He is more patient with tasks, his siblings, and himself. The days aren’t perfect, but they are easier than they were. He never cared to do longer, more invested activities, but he does now 🙂 He plays in a different way! Its exciting to watch!

He gives himself a bit more grace, too, when he doesn’t get something quite perfect. That used to result in agony, and it made us very hesitant to suggest anything even remotely challenging. But we can now 🙂

Something that is notable as a challenge is his relationship with Laela. Those two are SO similar, and they fight like it 😆 We’ve been struggling with finding the balance between letting them work their stuff out, and how much to interfere. We’ve gone the direction of encouraging them to have intentional time together rather than punishment after punishment. This has taken the form of reading together, jumping on the trampoline together, and doing puzzles together. Just the other day, they fought hard, and had to eat together in the dining room rather than outside with the rest of us. When I went in to check on them, they were giggling and playing. They informed me they had decided to do another puzzle together. So, its not all better, but I think its working.

While we’ve seen so much positive change, I do believe we will still need to seek some additional help for him. My beautiful son is being so clear, and expressing to us how much he is struggling with anger. I don’t want him to have to work SO HARD to stay afloat already at SUCH a young age, so I will be calling his doctor soon to see if we can all have a chat. I’d love him to talk to her about how he’s feeling and see what she says. Her medical advice is the best I’ve ever known, but I trust her as a fellow mom, as well.

I love you dearly, my Rowan. You are doing AMAZINGLY well at managing your struggles. You are such a soft, sweet, caring boy, to your friends and your family. We are SO grateful to have you in our family!!!

We’ve finally had some beautiful weather, and its brought its own relief. Its also brought in the season where bathing the kids feels fruitless, because they are just consistently filthy, no matter what. But I would choose warm weather over cold any day of the week.

Spring looks like cute hats!

Spring looks like crunchy fresh fruit and veggies!

Spring looks like repairing the things that cracked over the winter.

Spring looks like water toys! Or, if you ask Wavy, daddy’s “crunches.”

Spring looks like picnics and eating outside!

Spring looks like messy faces! Hahaha!

Springtime looks like SUNSHINE ☀️

I love me some springtime. I love the iced coffee. The music playing outside. The freedom. The tanned faces. The evening walks. The lake!! There are still some things to sort out to get ourselves out there, but, its May 🙂 Its almost time! One way or another, we’re going to get everything set up and settled in.

Thank you, Lord, for the change of season.

I heard your requests last Bradyation post that you would like to hear about radiation appointments and what actually goes on. Brady is game to write that for you! Buuuuut its not happening today, so you’re stuck with me again 😁 Lucky you!

Week three of radiation has carried headaches again, unfortunately. They’ve been manageable, for the most part, but they show up a lot. The moment Brady’s neck starts to tighten, I get him Naproxen immediately and heat up a rice pack. He’s on regimented Tylenol, too. Usually, if we get RIGHT on it, we can stop the headache before it really gets ugly. But it happens multiple times some days, and its really frustrating for Brady, as it stops him dead in his tracks. He’s spoken to his team at the cancer centre and they prescribed him something to help.

Except…

He was on that med earlier, and the side effects are not ideal. On one hand, they really increase his appetite, which isn’t the end of the world, but when he was on it at the hospital, he gained almost ten pounds in one week. Granted, no one had really informed him it would affect his appetite, but it was unexpected and something he definitely wasn’t happy about and had to be a lot more aware and intentional about his food intake afterwards. Also, this medication is very constipating. Without being too crude, Brady is a lot less active than he used to be, so his bowels are already something that need a little extra care. An added constipating factor is so unnecessary.

The day he received the prescription we had been waiting for was the day I realized that maaaybe his pain would change if he got back into his regular workouts. He used to do lots of upper body workouts, and they’ve petered off since radiation has stolen just about all of his energy. So yesterday, he pushed himself and did his entire upper body workout from back in rehab, and he did not have ONE headache 😳 We decided together last night to put the medication off and see if the workouts help his pain. He’s already done a workout this morning and is feeling strong so far. This is our last ditch effort to avoid this medication. If he needs to take it, then good, we have an option to get rid of those headaches. But if he doesn’t have to take it, we will both be so happy.

If you’re looking for a specific prayer request for our family, please pray that Brady’s headaches are finally managed without taking this additional steroid. That he can have the energy to do the workouts and that his body can strengthen and his neck and shoulders can be loose and pain-free!

I’m struggling with these new limitations of what my body will handle in a day. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a hundred times. My brain and my body do not agree, and it is positively maddening.

A couple of days ago, Brady and I ran two small errands after his treatment. We stopped at Value Village, and then we drove to Home Sense and picked up an item there. The end. It was a really nice time to just drive together, drink iced coffee, and listen to music. It felt normal, and we both thoroughly enjoyed it! And then that evening, my anxiety was through the roof, WAY more than usual.

So yesterday, we reigned it in a little, and while we still had to run one errand, we determined to keep it to that. And we did. Success! Woot!

When we got home, the kids got home, and we took on the enormous task of teaching our kids to tie their shoes!! Now, I know lots of kids learn at different times, so don’t come at me for their ages and stages, deal? Deal.

Both Dekker and Laela did not like the way of the one bunny ear. No way, no how. Dekker took right to the method of tying two bunny ears in a knot. I told him the one bunny ear is the way most adults do it, and it is quicker once you get the hang of it, but he’s happy with the two bunny ears for now!

Laela had a harder time. Poor thing. She is used to things coming really quickly for her, and she was instantly discouraged when it didn’t work out.

A quick google search refreshed my brain on that quick method of tying shoes that kind of happens in one smooth motion, and it only took a couple of minutes after that before she got it!

She was SO excited, and practiced over and over!

We offered if Dekker wanted to learn that method too, and he was eager. I got him set up with my shoe (because the laces were longer and easier to work with) and as soon as I directed him how to hold his hands, he burst out crying and announced that it was SUCH a pain. 😳 It was completely out of nowhere, and when I asked what happened, he shouted “I do not need this!” Sooooo neither did I, and we were done tying shoes for the day, lol! Oof. It was a tough end to a very successful hour of learning a new skill. He was happy with his way, and Laela was happy with her way. The end.

The wind was officially out of my sails at that point, and we were blessed with yet another supper brought through the door. We had pulled pork on fresh buns, with cold veggies, coleslaw, pasta salad, and dessert. A meal I knew no one would fight about. Win!

But as we were setting the table, a kid decided to take an extra walk through the living room with a glass of water, just to kill time 🙄, and dropped the glass. The glass didn’t break, thankfully, but the water poured over and into one of our bookshelves.

I. Could. Have. SCREAMED. While our afternoon had gone fine, I was so stinking tired and so done with the day already. So naturally, that would be when we would have to be rushing to clean water up, taking literally hundreds of books out of a bookshelf, drying them and stacking them appropriately on towels, trying to save the cheap bookshelf before it warped (thanks for nothing, cardboard backing,) trying to save the baseboard and flooring before it warped, all while everyone was hungry and grumpy. It was tough. But my mom jumped to the job, as did a kid or two, running for towels, and Brady and I got kids dished up and stationed at the table

Once most were done eating, Brady and I were offered rests in the living room while the doddlers finished up and had dessert. We dozed in and out on the couch and recliner. But as many of you know, a mothers work is never done.

Four of the five children took turned laying against me, cranking me with elbows and books, asking questions and wiggling. But I saw their hearts, and how much they wanted to be close to and comfort me. It was sweet, though less restful, but I had the evening to rest. So, we snuggled.

All in all, it was a very successful day. Brady and I had a nice errand and made his radiation appointment into something of a “date.”

We taught our two older kids how to tie shoes!

We got through a frustrating time without yelling at anyone, and the kid who was careless and made a mistake apologized all on their own.

We ate a delicious meal that was brought to us by people we hardly know.

Our meal train officially FILLED!! Thank you, Cher, for organizing it. Thank you, friends, for putting into us in this way. Thank you, Lord, for the circle of people You have brought us! We are overwhelmed with gratefulness.

Everyone went to bed knowing they were loved.

What more could we ask for?

I have a number of cute pictures from the last few days that haven’t really suited any posts, or haven’t been necessarily deserving of their own post. But I’m going to put them here 🙂 So they don’t get lost or missed. Because CUTE!

First, the sleeping princess 👸

This is proof that since Brady has come home, I had once again had some headspace for crocheting! I’ve missed it, but couldn’t bring myself to work on it when he was gone. Its baaaaack! Projects in full swing once again 🙂

Wavy looking SO beautiful!! She may not be smiling, and she may have a super weird shaggy hairstyle, but goodness she’s gorgeous. Yet when I show her this picture of herself, she just gets excited that her blankie and piggy are in it! So, win! Lol

Rowan eating some ridiculously delicious Saskatoon berry crisp!

I took a picture of this FaceTime call because the lamp behind me looked like a hat. Yes, thats the only reason. 💂

Proof that Rowan is now taller than Laela. Crazy!!! To be fair, his hair has some height here, but even when we flattened it, he was still taller. Juuuuust a little!

Brady, Dekker and I went for a walk after bedtime the other day to drop some dishes off. It was FREEZING and I regretted the walk completely, hahaha! I blame the mass I lost in the last couple of months, haha!

Wheelies with Rowan!

Rowan made a camera out of magformers the other day, and I thought it was SO impressive!

And Solly made a “super cool pokey thing!” which we decided was a drill without a trigger.

Rowan and Laela have been really scrappy recently, and we’ve been having them spend a bit more intentional, nice time together. Last night, they did a puzzle together. They read together. Stuff like that. This morning, Rowan asked Laela if he could brush his teeth in the bathroom with her, and I was very surprised that she said yes!!! It was really really nice to see them coexisting in the bathroom, willingly, happily. *whispers* Its working!

Aaaaand this is about how this morning is going, hahaha! This cute little butthead is the life of the party.

Radiation still to come over lunch time, and a quick errand or two. Yesterday was SO full of GOOD things, but goodness we were tired by the end of it! Today should be a bit lighter 🙂 With yet another supper walking through our door. I am overwhelmingly grateful.

Who would’ve EVER thought??

Last year at this time, we already had sunburns!

Brady had already cranked his head on a deck board while completing the first of many projects! First, we built the shed under the deck. Then the fence. Then some landscaping. Aaaaand then the camper, which was an unplanned but very well-loved project.

This year has looked pretty different so far, but its really just beginning, and its not a write off in any way, shape, or form. 💜 It might not be as busy with projects, but it also might be 🙂 We have time! Though maybe not energy.

I’m trying not to look too far ahead, or too far back, but I think its good to look back sometimes for perspective. We accomplished a lot last year, and we likely won’t accomplish as much this year. But rather than feeling unmotivated or gutless, we choose to be grateful that we could do so much last year! If we didn’t rebuild that camper last year, there would be no way we’d be doing it this year! Now, instead, we get to spend this summer at the lake, taking our time, breathing in fresh air, and moving at lake pace. If we hadn’t done the shed or fence, we’d either be waiting, ore hiring it out, and I can almost guarantee we wouldn’t be hiring it out. We still need to get some more topsoil brought in this season, as ours from last year has settled a good amount, but if we hadn’t done so much last year, it would be a way bigger bill, and we might not have justified it. All things considered, we are SO blessed to have had the opportunities last year that we did, and I feel settled and content about the season to come.

Its not lost on me that there are still things that need doing that we will have to seek help with. Though, as I’ve said before, I have to be careful what I say on here 😉 You generous people just show up with crazy offers and gifts for us! There is no possible way to thank everyone. How do you thank hundreds upon hundreds of people in the midst of a total crisis?? And how do you even ask for MORE help when you’ve received so much? How do you ask without feeling like a total douche?? Its hard to know, but I’m trusting our people to actually say NO when they can’t, or when they’re inconvenienced.

It takes a village, that goes without saying, and people continually remind me of this. Our village is SO willing! Our meal train was set up for less than two days and almost completely filled! Its been a crazy ride. I don’t know how we have all of you people in our corner, but I feel incredibly fortunate and truly touched that so many of you have invested in so many ways. We have the BEST people!! I say it all the time about our professional people, but goodness, our friends and support system is bar none the BEST!

Thank you, all, for your unwavering support. I’m almost embarrassed to say you surprise me, because I should know by now.