I got to bed super late last night and woke up early with Brady. Unable to fall back to sleep, I finally got up and tried to busy my brain. This last week or so of life has felt like a full moon that will not quit! My short, restless sleep is what broke the camels back. And not only did the camels back break, but the camel proceeded to fall over on its side and land with a bone-crushing lump on my chest. My goodness.
The morning started rough, as has become our usual. I don’t care to fill in the details because I don’t want to remember them myself, but the screaming match ended with me sitting on the opposite side of the island as the kids, weeping uncontrollably, and the kids sitting at the table, discussing me.
Mommy is sad.
She’s having a rough time.
I think she’s mad at us.
I’m sorry you’re crying, mommy. Mommy?
I wasn’t sure whether to scream that, yes, I absolutely am FURIOUS with them, or to just keep crying and wallowing and soaking in my failure. I chose to continue crying until I was done. So I did.
Eventually, I got back up, finished putting lunches together, picked out clothes for the kids going out, put backpacks in the entrance, and did the things that needed doing, because survival. My mom came to watch the little kids while I got the big ones off to school, and then I spent a decent chunk of the morning in and out of tears. I am now completely physically exhausted, but in all honesty, I feel a bit better. Its amazing what a good cry can do for a person! I look dreadful, lol, but I feel ok.
My kids made me some promises over lunch about how the rest of the day would go, and while I don’t have the highest of hopes, I’m happy to know they’re absorbing what I want from them. They told me “These are big rules” a number of times, so they know. I hope they remember and it sticks. Even if it doesn’t and we have another tornado of an afternoon, at least I have first hand knowledge that they are picking up what I’m putting down. Its like the ONE time out of the hundred times they fight about the same thing. You know what I’m saying. It will work out that ONE time, and in that moment, you know they CAN resolve it, or obey, or share, or whatever it is! Thats how I feel right this moment. Hopeful, and knowing that its in there.
I won’t lament forever, I promise. It has just been an unbelievable stretch of time over here. I have never experienced a power struggle to this capacity. I am wiped.
I ate a pizza pop for lunch and am now taking a much needed lay down with my little baby girl, who literally cannot fight with me yet. Peace is here, for now.