Maybe it’s the snow. Maybe it’s the headache, and the impending cold. Maybe its the day rough evening yesterday. Maybe its the cold. Maybe its the lack of coffee so far this morning. But for whatever reason, I feel down today.
It’s been three weeks since my D&C. I’m still bleeding. Did you know that? It’s just spotting, but I’m pretty over it. Especially considering I bled for about a week and a half before I had the D&C from the medication I took to avoid the D&C altogether. Whatever. It doesn’t matter, and its slowed way down, but I’m done with it. Its been a month. The only time I bleed this long is postpartum, and in those cases, I have a baby to overshadow the discomfort that comes along with it. Not this time.
I had my HCG checked a week after my D&C. It was nicely down from the previous 55,000 and was sitting at 1,700. Great progress, but not at the <5 I need it to be. So we continue to wait for my body to return to “normalcy.” Whatever that is.
I also need to get to RUH soon to get some bloodwork done. Genetic tests. The OBGYN I met at the hospital was really wonderful and straight forward with me. She encouraged me to get the bloodwork done for myself, more than anything, so I feel like I’ve done everything I can on my end. The genetic testing is a “normal” next step after three miscarriages. But the OB brought me to her perspective, where I have five children, and very likely have no genetic issues. Which is good news, but annoying to have no answers, yet again. Like always. Ugh.
So one day I’ll hopefully be organized enough to get in to the hospital lab to get that test done, and then wait a month or so for results. That being said, the last time I had bloodwork that was supposed to take a month for results, I got results in EIGHT DAYS! Let’s pray for that instead!
I’m sorry for the pity party. I don’t want to be a whiner. Seasons passing is odd. My children aging is odd. And no joke – passing up the formula sale at Costco is odd. I never pass that sale up. I’m always either bottle feeding a baby or pregnant with the next one. And I’m currently neither, and passing up the sale I eagerly wait for, as it only comes around twice a year.
I’m in a new boat. The “no babies here” boat. And that’s fine for many who are in that next chapter of their life. But I didn’t choose to be here. I know many others haven’t either. Many of you know my grief and understand why my heart hurts this way. I know the day I am done having babies will be a big change, and I am already praying it’ll be somewhat positive and I’ll be confident in it. But I’m currently not confident that it’s all over. Quite the contrary, in fact. Yet, I’m in the baby-free boat.
I hate this stupid boat. I LOVE the people in it, but I don’t belong here.