The Daily Hailey

You know that feeling you get in your stomach when you don’t get even close to enough sleep? like, suuuper unsettled and gross? I have that.

I woke up just before 2am to Brady coughing. Not his fault, he is so sick 🙁 I kept dozing back out, but his coughs would startle me! Eventually I started almost bracing myself for them, therefore making me completely aware and awake. So. I was awake from 2:00 until about 5:00. Something I really fight with in those times is remembering bad feelings, or crappy situations I’ve been through. My mind goes to crazy places when I’m laying so wide awake for so long. It is not a happy place. But I tried to make it one! On second thought, I should have just bit the bullet and left our room to watch a movie or something.

The first thing that came to my mind and stayed for a while was something we experienced on Sunday. Not a big or riveting story, so don’t hold your breath or anything. A child from church pushed Dekker. Just a little shove, he barely wobbled. But it was a first. She didn’t want to play with him, so she tried to push him away. And you know what, thats fine. There are days I don’t want to socialize with certain people either. I get it. But of course, he wailed and I felt sad for him being left out and all those whirlwind emotions that a mom feels. I collected him from where he stood, and said to the other child that it isn’t nice to push and it is much nicer to share and include people. Thats as far as I went. I cringe when I see people getting down on other peoples kids. Sooo not their job at all. So I figured that was enough and I saved Dekker. So last night, as I was thinking about this tiny little experience, my blood boiled a little. Dekker is pretty hesitant of new situations and I think its pretty great that he went up to play with other kids he didn’t know! But then God took me in a different direction. When the child had pushed him away, he stood there and cried. He didn’t reach back for the toys, or start screaming or anything. He did what he does at home when he wants something he can’t have and we have to say “no.” He accepted it completely, didn’t put up a fight to our answer, but shows us that he is disappointed. I love that about him 🙂 Its like when he wants to bang toys against the TV screen. He’s a strong kid, and that could result in a very unfavorable outcome. So we say “please don’t hit the tv,” he’ll sit down on the floor or drop his toy, cry a bit, and move on. I think that says something about his character for sure.

On a totally different wavelength, I caught myself reminiscing about my summer spent working by the lake at a resort. That was my loneliest summer ever. I have a vivid memory of a time I was cleaning a cabin with one of the ladies, and we disagreed on something. I have no idea what it was, but I remember that it was little. However, the two ladies that ran that place totally ran the show so either way, I was apparently very wrong. Well, she just milked it and heckled me from the other part of the cabin. Didn’t I think I was sooo right, and I just had nooo idea. When the other woman came into the cabin, it all stared back up again. Hailey is sooo mad at me, isn’t that funny? Its a tiny cabin, she was very much cackling with the intention for me to hear. My lowest point. Sitting on the floor scrubbing a toilet, absolutely bawling. I wish, in that moment, I had said “Look, if you’re not happy with me, and I’m not happy here, let’s part ways” and went home. I lived too far from town to walk and had no car. I had no phone or internet. I had trashy books from their store area, and I’m not really a “sit down to read a novel” type of person anyway. I was completely secluded, and that situation made it so much worse. Looking back, I’m sure there was some great reason why I spent that summer where I did, alone. But let me tell you, I had a lot of time to think about it last night, and I really don’t know the answer. I am a people person, so maybe it was me trying out loneliness for the first time. It was awful. I hope to never do it again. And to be fair, the ladies were great people, they were just on the top of the food chain and I felt very much on the bottom. Tough stuff.

Lastly, I got super discouraged about my crocheting last night/this morning. I wonder if actually trying to make it into something is just a dumb idea. Maybe it’ll just be something I do for my family and the select few people who have ordered things from me the last few years. I mean, of course I’d crochet for whoever asked, but make it a “business?” I don’t know. I see too many flaws in my ideas. I wonder if that dream is over. Who knows.

As you can tell, it was a long night of pessimism. I found a positive spin to the Dekker aspect. I decided to be extra thankful for having a husband and son in my house at all times and my parents and friends close by. Crocheting…I don’t know really yet. That one lingers in the back of my mind still. Its not like I have to make any snap decisions, it just feels disappointing.

Wow. Quite a morning already.