A Wish Granted

A while back, I mournfully posted about the loss of my baby, and how with losing my son, I lost a few other dreams. Small things, maybe, but things that are important. All of my planning and my efforts to positively anticipate my baby had died alongside him. One of the big ones was my secret excitement surrounding a maternity photo shoot I wanted to have done. I had such a clear picture in my mind of what I wanted, and I was so excited to have those pictures taken, and to be able to look back on them one day and remember exactly where I was right then, where life had taken me, where my heart was. It felt SO important. And then, the dream was gone, as was the baby.

Recently, someone I barely knew reached out to me to fulfill my wishes. We’ve only messaged a bit here and there, but today, we spend the vast majority of the daytime together. We wandered through a large area of Saskatoon, and she took pictures of me. It was so fun, and I flip flopped between feeling excited and celebrated and happy and silly and sorrowful and reminiscent and everything in between. I truly enjoyed the day with her. The pictures were a blast, but I really loved walking from place to place, getting to know each other. We’ve both had our share, to put it lightly, but in completely different ways and in completely different areas of life. It was great, though, to be able to share so honestly and openly, and we never ran out of things to talk about! We had lunch together (she took me out 💜) and then we headed home. From beginning to end, it felt like a date with a friend whom I’ve known for years, even though we had likely never spoken two words to each other before a week or two ago. I loved today, and I hope she feels the same way. What an amazing gift.

I’m so excited to see the pictures she puts together, and I’m excited to share them here, too.

What am I Thankful for in 2017

Like I said earlier this weekend, its been a big year. I usually have an easy Thanksgiving, in the way of being thankful for the pregnancy I’m carrying, the new baby I have, or my husband whose birthday occasionally falls on Thanksgiving. This year, I am thankful for life experience. But I want to be ultra clear on this subject, because its hard for me to even convince myself of it.

I am NOT thankful that my babies died.

Not for a second.

Nothing about that is right, or good, or something to celebrate.


Out of our pain and these terrible experiences, we have discovered a BEAUTIFUL community of friends and family all around us. Friends that we knew we had, but we didn’t know what we had, if you know what I mean. It is not a secret that we’ve struggled this year, and for the second half of last year, we were just trying to adjust to our new life here in town with our new baby. Our life has been a whirlwind, and as much as we’ve tried, we haven’t been able to “put in” as much as we had hoped to. Trust me, we know we’re a lot to take on a few different levels.

Yet, we’ve been surrounded by this amazing support system of friends who we could’ve never anticipated. We have it all.

Friends who can relate directly to us.

Friends who can’t relate but who listen, even though our struggles aren’t brand new.

Friends who still bring over treats.

Friends who acknowledge our efforts when we do try to participate in things.

Friends who say our babies names.

Friends who ask to see pictures of Jamin.

Friends who text while they’re out grocery shopping to ask if we need anything.

Friends who take our kids for a couple of hours so we can have some quiet rest.

Friends who aren’t afraid to ask questions.

Friends who let me cry, and friends who join me in my tears.

Friends who pray for and with us.

I never knew we had such a wealth of support, and I likely would never have known unless we went through these struggles this year. While I am not thankful for our losses and our hardships, I am over the moon thankful for the people they have pulled out of the woodwork and brought closer into our lives. I am trying to step out of our safe little box and participate more in life with others, but I am also thankful for the friends who receive me with love, while reminding me not to push myself too hard either.

I will be there soon, friends. I want to put into you! And while it may not seem like it, I am trying to be braver. I want to be a good friend. I don’t want to just leech off of you. Please know that I see your efforts, and I might not even be standing without them. Every time you step out of your box to reach out to me, I feel that much more ready to step out of mine.

For these things, and these people, I am thankful.

Movie Sunday

I was pretty on the fence about whether I could handle church this weekend or not, so I will admit to being the reason we did not attend this morning. This thanksgiving feels heavy.

Instead, we’ve embraced the day a different way. We’ve rolled with the grey weather and closed all the curtains, turned off all the lights, and snuggled in for a movie. We chose between titles while Rowan finished his breakfast. Dekker and Laela got settled in their spots.

I did NOT pose this picture!! 😍

Little Rascals is playing, and cuddle blankets are out. Popcorn for lunch!

It may not be church, but it is restful and special, and I am truly thankful to God for it! I hope you are all enjoying some special restful family time, however that looks in your family.

Our Thanksgiving

We spent this afternoon with my parents, and my brother and his family. This year, that also included my sister-in-law’s mom, whom I love. It was a lovely gathering of family and food and warmth. One thing that was different was that we didn’t all go around the table and share what we’ are thankful for. Honestly, I completely forgot about it until we got home. I’m not sure if we all just forgot, or if it was intentional. With our year being what it has been, its not always been super easy to pinpoint a solid “thing” that I’m thankful for. Nothing that isn’t cliche, anyway. So forgive me for being just that, but here are the things I am thankful for today.

I am thankful for Dekker. He is my old soul son who is quick to love and help and jump in if he can sense anything might need doing. He is sensitive in all the ways, and he is a HUGE blessing to me!

I am thankful for Laela. She adds light and soft things to our life, and a softness that we wouldn’t have without her. With a gentle touch and a skip in her step, she brings such a happy spirit to our group!

I am thankful for Rowan. He is such an innocent little shadow to our other kids. He loves to follow along in games, jokes, and jobs. His big lips produce amaaazing smooches, and he shares them with all of us every single day.

I am thankful for Solomon. Solly offers our family a contentedness that we haven’t known quite this way. He is quick to giggle and snort and rub drooly fingers on your face. Its all in love. He is such a dear.

And this. I am thankful for my husband, and our marriage. Things have not always been smooth, and we’ve hurdled some BIG obstacles. If I’m being honest, I never expected to be quite as happily married as I am. Brady pours every ounce of love and energy into his wife and kids, putting himself last constantly. He stands behind me in the big and little things, even if its something he doesn’t feel passionate about or understand. Solidarity. He is the BEST partner for me, and I like to think he feels the same way about me. He and I are a good team, and we have God as our team captain,  which is pretty much the ideal set up we could ask for.

For these things, I am thankful.

A Day Changed

My plans for today changed yesterday evening, but it still turned out to be a great day. Though at first I wasn’t totally sold that it would be.

I was up for a few hours in the middle of the night, for no real reason at all. Usually, when I’m awake and trying to fall back to sleep, I avoid checking the time. Only when I get desperate and realize I need to change it up a bit do I sit up and pull out my phone to just let my brain relax a little. By the time I gave in and got my phone, it was 2:00am. I gave sleep another shot a full three hours later, and I can’t tell you when I fell asleep after that but it took a while. It was not my best night. Plus we had gone to bed quite late. So I wasn’t the most optimistic or coherent this morning.

I had made a hair appointment for 9:30 this morning, to get the side of my head reshaved only. I was dragging pretty bad at that point, but I always love those appointments! Brady made me coffee for the trip in, and I enjoyed the music on the drive. The appointment went off without a hitch, as usual, and my hair is now beautifully curled with a pretty flower detailed into the side shave.

From there I did a quick scan of the London Drugs and coveted all the new products I’ve been hearing about all summer but resisting purchasing. I resisted them once again, and headed home.

I was greeted by my family, all relaxed and hanging out together. We spent the rest of the morning resting up together, and then separately at nap time. I feel quite tired but happy with how the day has turned out.

Tomorrow is the day we’re celebrating Thanksgiving with my family, and I’m looking forward to it. I also wonder how I’ll feel with the mood of the day being gratefulness. I have a lot to be thankful for, but its definitely a different kind of season. Sometimes its really hard to see past your own front door, even when you know you are fortunate in so many ways. I’m having to work harder than usual to keep my heart positive these days, but lucky for me, I have family around who understands, cares, reaches out, and spends that time with us, even when we’re downers.

For that specifically, I am thankful. But we’ll talk more about thankfulness in the coming days.

Dekker’s Teacher

Parent Teacher interviews started yesterday, and Dekker’s was at 4:00pm. I was a bit nervous for it, if I’m being honest, because upon picking Dekker up from school, he was SO tired. He draaaaagged his backpack up the stairs like a lazy teenager, and complained as he unpacked it. I was not feeling optimistic about bringing him in to a meeting with me. We only stuck around at home for about a half hour before heading back to school, and I snuck him a granola bar in the van. A desperate move to get some energy back into him!

And it worked! He was happy to have a treat, and it put some spring back in his step. He was intrigued by the weirdly dark, empty school. We sat in the hallway and waited for our turn while he finished his snack. In chatting with the principal as she walked by, I learned that the information I had received earlier had been wrong, and that the meeting was not 45 minutes long (thank goodness!) but rather 15, which is much more doable for a tired six year old.

Everything was running on time and we got in to meet with Dekker’s teacher right on time. And I am SO pleased to say that she had literally no concerns with him whatsoever. There is obviously always an area thats more challenging that can use improvement, but thats learning, right? She just gushed about how much he’s learning and improving, and really stressed how hard he is working. “He really tries hard!” she said over and over. She showed me his “scores” from the very beginning of the year and where they are now, and it was SO amazing to see just how much he’s learned in only one months time. She even credited some of his learning to the work that Brady and I are putting in, saying it evident that we’re willing and involved. That felt good. We also talked about Dekker’s reactions to things, and how he’s starting to be able to control his emotions a little bit quicker these days, too. Even just that day, he had taken a pretty decent fall on the playground, and had been pretty put off, but hadn’t made a big dramatic scene. Just dusted off and kept playing. For the record, he didn’t even mention it to me! I only heard about it at the meeting! So clearly, it didn’t set him back too far. Lastly, at the end of the meeting, his teacher looked at him so lovingly and told him that he was one of the nicest human beings she knew. Dekker got SO bashful and buried his head into my lap, giggling and saying “sanks.” It was adorable! She made a point to really tell me that Dekker was such a gentleman, and just so so sweet. That he was sensitive and caring and a great helper. She told me she was on team Dekker, and that she had zero concerns with him in any way.

It was a really great date <3

Dekker and I both left feeling great. He was so bashful, but so puffy and proud at the same time. And honestly, I was too! I was so thrilled with how well he’s doing and progressing! I have a nice open door thing going with his teacher, and I know for a fact that she would tell me if there was any extra help needed or any concerns to address. And I love that, right now, things are going smoothly.

We got home and ate a yummy supper, but from about 5:30 on, Dekker was positively itching for 7:00! Today was his very first time going to kids club, and he was SOOO stoked to go!! Every ten minutes or so, he’d ask if it was time. Finally, I got down to his level and assured him that I knew when he needed to be there, and I knew what time it was now, and I would get him there on time. Didn’t help, haha! He was so impatient, but in a really good way.

I got him there a few minutes early, and we were greeted by a good handful of leaders waiting to greet the kids. As they were finding him name on the list, he started taking his coat off and hanging it up. Someone reached their hand out to him, and off he went to join the kids!! He didn’t even look back. No hesitation. Not even for a second.

My heart just soared, you guys.

Last year, this would’ve never ever been the case. Change was SO hard last year, but I’m so glad he got that great push in school, because he is such a social butterfly now!! He was still revved up to go when I picked him up at the end, a full 1.5 hours after his usual bedtime. But he settled in beautifully at home and slept like a rock. It. Was. Awesome.

Yesterday as a whole just warmed my heart. I’m so happy to see my son stretch and grow in new situations! He is such a gem. You should all really hang out with him sometime. He’s a keeper.

Pregnancy After a Loss After a Loss

I am not pregnant right now, but I hope I will be in not too distant future, and its pretty much impossible not to think about. I remember, when I was pregnant with Jamin, how different it was being pregnant after a loss. Believe it or not, I anticipate my next time around will be different still. What does pregnancy after a loss after a loss look like?? I don’t know for sure, but I have a lot of thoughts on the subject.

I wonder how I’ll tell people. And when I’ll tell people. We used to share towards the end of the first trimester and into the second. In losing Theo, we learned that we would share our baby’s story with the world no matter how long I carried them. With Jamin, we shared him much earlier. I believe I was around 7 weeks. I waited until we had seen a heartbeat and then we announced it to everyone. We loved sharing our news early in the game!! However, even that heartbeat was no guarantee for us, and we lost Jamin. Now what? Do we announce right off the hop? Do we wait for a heartbeat? Do we wait until we’re way further into our pregnancy?? I have no idea how that will look. This is new territory. No two losses are the same.

I wonder how I’ll even tell Brady. Will we celebrate in excitement, or will anxiety just build from day one? Will we cry, or laugh, or will we feel numb?

I wonder how we’ll tell the kids, and when. They are SO aware of our babies passing away, I don’t know if I want to put them through another one. Yet to deny them knowledge of a sibling seems cruel. They’ve learned so much through our losses, and they have grown in their beliefs in God. They have processed the losses of their brothers to the best of their ability, and in that way, I see no reason not to let them in on something as special as a pregnancy. But I fear for their hearts.

I wonder if I’ll buy baby things. I have a small handful of things we bought for Jamin still sitting on a dresser in our room. I haven’t had the nerve to move them yet, but seeing them every day hurts me. On one hand, I want to say that I won’t buy anything, to protect my heart. And on another hand, I want to set up a bassinet in my first trimester, to remember how amazing it is to bring a new baby home to sleep in my room. Because positivity is important.

I wonder if I’ll ever feel safe through my pregnancy, or will I be on pins and needles the entire time?

I wonder if I’ll be able to feel excited. Or if I’ll emotionally attach. I made an intentional effort to celebrate my pregnancy with Jamin after we lost Theo. I didn’t want to just suffer and stress, waiting for my baby to die. Yet he did die. Its hard not to become closed and hardened. But I want to feel safe.

I wonder if I will ever find the balance between being “safe” and being vulnerable. Can those two things be in the same place at the same time? Can one protect their heart without closing it completely? I don’t know whether to dive into another pregnancy head first with joy and thankfulness, or to be more reserved, and realistic, and careful. If I’m being truthful, my heart is leaning towards choice A, as much as I don’t want it to. Its so strange to think that joy and fear would go hand in hand in that scenario.

I don’t want fear to win. I want God to win. And God didn’t give me a spirit of fear.

But I admit it. I am already scared.

A “Gone All Day” Day

It’s felt like a very full day already today! Thank goodness Brady is home today!

I took Dekker to school this morning in the frigid windy weather. Luckily, he was happy to break out and wear his new toque to school, so there was no issue there. He was warm and skipping and ready to go. I love that he loves school. His teacher actually showed me some notes she had made about Dekker in the beginning of the year, and her current notes a month into the school year. He is improving SO quickly! She is super happy with how well he’s learning, and so am I.

After I dropped Dekker off, I dropped something off at the post office and headed home. I threw back half of a cup of coffee before loading Laela into the van and heading to preschool. It was my day to help in the class, so I stuck around for the morning. Times moves quickly there, so it wasn’t long before it was time to head back home.

I only lasted at home for twenty minutes or so before I headed to the city for an appointment. In that short window, I managed to eat a small serving of leftover mac and cheese. And then I was off once again.

We grocery shopped as a family the other day, but the poor overtired Solomon we brought was over our shopping trip before it even begun, so we did not hit every place we had hoped to. So I did Costco over lunch. Lo and behold, I ran into my mom there! We did the tail end of our shops together, checked out together, and walked to our vehicles together too. Convenient how we parked in the same row 🙂 It was such a nice visit to break up all the busyness. I love you, mom!!

My last place to hit was my waxing appointment. I haven’t seen my waxing girl in a long time, partially because the last time I went, I waited too long to book and had to see someone else, and partially because I wait WAY too long between waxes, haha! So I hadn’t spoken to her personally since before we lost Jamin. Needless to say, we had a lot to catch up on. It was a really nice visit. Honestly, it felt good to talk about him out loud again. She didn’t get cringy over the details, and I didn’t have to be too careful to say the “wrong” things. It was nice to feel normal. And believe it or not, it was also nice to get my legs and arms waxed, and my brows refreshed. What is it about fresh eyebrows?? Tell me its not just me!

I made it home with about a half hour left of the afternoon before I have to get Dekker, and I’m filling it with blogging. Maybe, when Dekker comes home, we’ll go do homework up in my room, and then I’ll just stay there and sleep. Haha! My day may not sound busy to you but its a lot more running around than I usually prefer, and I am still reeling for this cold. I’m definitely not sleeping as well as I’d like to be. But thats ok. Its only for a time.

I hope you all find some time to sit today <3

The Month of October

It would appear October is a loaded month. I’ve already seen a number of causes come up on Facebook for the month, and for interests sake, I looked it up. Wikipedia had a LONG list of month long observances, and a couple of the ones I had in mind weren’t even on their list. All I’m saying is there are lots. You observe whats important to you and those you love, and I’ll observe whats important to me and those I love. They can be different, and we can still show each other the utmost love and respect.

I’ve never really fit in to something like this until now. Completely against my will, I have been placed on the side of that “1 in 4” statistic that no one wants to be on. I have lost a baby. I’ve lost two babies. This year. I have learned a lot in these times, and I feel like who I am as a person has shifted a lot, too. Brady and I were just talking about it today. We’ve had full, exciting years of life together, but this is some big life experience that I just hadn’t anticipated. I was happy to be ignorant of the pain that losing a child causes, while still trying to be a compassionate, loving friend. Now that I am SO in the know on the subject, I wish everyone else could be ignorant and no one else would have to know this pain. So far, 2017 has aged me. A lot.

Today feels heavy. Miscarriage and infant loss is all around us. I know many of you feel it too.

Whether you share your story with others or you don’t.

Whether you lost your baby early or late.

Whether your loss happened on its own, or was induced, or was done surgically.

Whether you lost your first or your fifteenth baby.

The details matter, but they don’t matter. Your story matters, but your loss and your grief is yours. No one gets to discount it.

You who are losing pregnancies, or can’t conceive. You who desire a family but are waiting for a spouse. My friends, I see you, too. Once again, I know our grief is different, but my heart hurts for yours.

All grief looks different, but we all know it to some capacity, whether through our own life, or through the life of someone we know. We call it an emotional roller coaster, but that sounds too “fun.” An emotional flood, perhaps. An emotional sink hole. An emotional solar flare? Let’s go with an emotional ass-kicking. That feels pretty accurate.

I feel so jumbled up. I wish I had scheduled out the month so I had certain days to blog about specific sides of miscarriage and infant loss, but as you’re all quite familiar, I am so very disorganized these days. Is there anything you want to know? Any questions you have? You can comment, or message me privately and ask, and I’d happy answer them in a different post! Nothing is off limits! What about sharing your own stories of your babies in heaven? Guest post, anyone?! I’m not kidding. I’d LOVE some input on how I can really bring some important topics to light.


Did you guys know October is considered “pregnancy and infant loss awareness month?” I think there are a number of different causes that hold October’s attention, but obviously, this one sits quite closely to me.

I had a post planned for today, but then my day shifted and instead of sitting at home and trying to properly write out my post about losing my babies and how its changed me, I put on real clothes, threw an entire box of Kleenex into my purse (no joke) and I went Christmas shopping with Jerilee. I know, I know, there are some opinions there. Eat me. I can Christmas shop whenever I want.

It was such an uplifting time away, drinking Starbucks and mall walking with my bestie. It was light and fun and chatty and normal.

I assure you all that while I don’t talk about my struggle each and every day on here, it is still very much at the front of my my mind. My little babies that I lost this year haven’t been forgotten. Theo should’ve been present for Laela’s birthday yesterday. If he couldn’t, I should’ve at least been solidly pregnant with Jamin. But nope. We don’t get either of those boys. And it sucks.

But on a day when I was given the opportunity to get out and focus on some light positive things, I am not going to post about my grief. I choose to focus on the good today, and there was a lot of it.

I am feeling a bit better today, thank goodness, and I very much enjoyed being out with a friend and planning for Christmas. I hope you’ve all found some joy today.