The Daily Hailey

I’m going to be blunt. Today was a really, really difficult day for me. Probably for my whole little family. This blog post is not for the squeamish or just people who don’t want to know the yucky stuff. You’ve been warned.

Starting last night, I was nauseous. I couldn’t stomach much of my supper at all. I had the same issue with breakfast. I got down about half a bagel before I was confident that I was about to puke. Brady rushed to get me a bucket to barf into, and I thought he wouldn’t make it to me in time. However, I sat very still and didn’t end up barfing. I decided to wait it out in the bathroom since I was feeling somewhat “unpredictable,” we’ll say. From that safe haven, I took the biggest poop of my life. Somehow, this relieved some of my nausea, but not nearly enough to calm me. Plus I was having WILD cramping and pain. Brady ran me a tub and I called health line. The nurse who took my call was very glad I had a prenatal appointment scheduled today but basically said that if I was experiencing stomach flu or anything like that, at this stage in the game, I am not allowed to really take anything for it. However, sometimes labor manifests itself this way in the beginning, or in the days leading up to it. So right off the bat, I had absolutely no idea what to think. Doesn’t that just bring a sense of comfort? No. It does not.

I made it to my appointment in time. I was really nervous to be in the car for fear of barfing at an inopportune time. But we made it! I was relieved when she came in and casually asked how we were all doing. I’m amazed I didn’t cry. I burst out into a big story of how sick I was feeling. Meanwhile, I vented about the situation with Dekkers eyes, and the fact that there was blood in his poop last night. Everything was sooo overwhelming! My lovely doctor looked so sympathetic and said “Well, those few things with Dekker would be enough to make a mother feel sick!” She’s right. So, being exactly who she is, she did a full once-over of Dekker and even checked his poor bum. We made a plan on that, but she isn’t too terribly worried about it. Of course, if it were to ever happen again, we’d go further with it and refer him somewhere but if I don’t have to put my son under and have a rectal scope, I won’t. The kid has had enough! When he was all finished, she completed my appointment. I had been tossing around the idea of a membrane strip and was really thinking I would go for it until this morning when I started feeling so awful. I asked her to check me anyway, just to see if things were progressing at all. I was really excited to learn that I was almost completely effaced!!! I’m dilated 1-2cm which doesn’t really mean a whole lot, and maybe the effacement doesn’t either, but it is much further than I was a week or two ago, when there were no numbers to speak of. So apparently all of those changes in my cervix could also bring on the nausea and the “clean out” that I had experienced. So I opted out of the strip, as it seems things are happening on their own in decent time. Babys heart rate was good, and while my blood pressure was higher than normal for me, it was well within normal for the general population so thats good.

I didn’t have any pains while I was in the appointment so we decided to grab booster juice and attempt errands. This decision turned out to be amazing. Once we had our smoothies, Brady took Dekker into Superstore for a grocery shop so I could visit with my sister on the phone. My sister is a very wise woman and talked me down from the crazy anxious place I was going in my head. Its hard to explain, and I could probably make ten blog posts just based on our conversation, but she had some great points and ideas of how to bring myself back down to earth when I get so very worked up. I would be talking with her and suddenly I’d go off about something I was panicking about or some worst case scenario in my head. She would listen, and then bring me right into that scenario and ask me what would happen if that came true. And it was never actually that bad! Yet she also said that she knows very similar feelings of just wanting questions answers and to be in control. Its very vulnerable to not have control, and I think having a baby is one of the most unpredictable situations a person can go through. She made me feel human, which I appreciated. I love you, Caity!

We got almost every errand done! We forgot one thing but I think we can improv it here with stuff at home so we’ll try that tomorrow morning. But otherwise, we made good time, and headed to my parents house to put Dekker down for a nap. I had been having worse and worse tummy pains all afternoon. One might even say contractions. I wondered all day if I was going into labor, and then I tossed it back and forth over and over if it suited me, haha! It feels so silly to say, and I know that when a baby comes, it comes no matter what time of day it is! But I was struggling with getting past certain thoughts in my head that it would be better if she came on…Monday maybe. So much planned for this weekend for my family and my parents. It was a frustrating mind game that I played most of the day.

About a half hour after arriving at my parents, I had to leave for a waxing appointment. My mom drove me so I didn’t have to, as I was having contractions or pains of some kind. We talked a lot about the plans and how things would in fact work out if baby girl decided to come tonight, or tomorrow, or just earlier than we planned. It felt better.

I felt better until I was in my appointment. I don’t find waxing painful really at all anymore, but it was sooo uncomfortable. Contractions all over the place, barely being able to keep it together. I felt sooo out of control. When it was finally over, I booted it to their bathroom and, yet again, pooped and pooped and pooped. It was gross. Yup, grosser than the concept of me writing about it. It was horrendous. I sat and kind of reeled for a few minutes before pulling myself together and heading back out to the car. We headed home right away and I ate very little supper. I tried though! But it wouldn’t sit right, and I don’t trust my body right now. One more HUGE poo episode and I was ready to go home. Yup folks, I basically gave birth four times today. Kind of a big deal.

We’re home now. Dekker is in bed. Brady and I packed bags tonight! I have peace that we are pretty much as ready as we’re going to be for when baby girl chooses to arrive. But I did have a big cry on the drive home.

I feel so silly. I hate not knowing whats happening. This whole day I was gearing up for labor. I was psyched up for the concept and trying to come to terms with the fact that it was coming, and I felt like total garbage but it was going to be amazing in the end. And now, what?? I just had an upset tummy?! Or is it really time soon and my body is purging and preparing? I know that happens to some people anyway. I know this is common when people go into labor (or don’t go into labor) but my labor with Dekker began and ended in the hospital. It was controlled and level and I can genuinely say I LOVED being in labor with Dekker! I was thrilled and my anticipation was through the roof. But I fear that if I went into active labor tonight, I would disappoint myself. I don’t think I would labor the way I want to. I feel like I am not stable enough today to do a good job. I think I would cry a lot and flake out and panic, instead of keeping a level head, breathing, and working through each contraction one by one. I want to be open and honest on here, but I feel a little bit wacky.

This is not even close to eloquent so I’m going to be done for the night. Thank you, readers, for putting up with my crazy. And my poop stories. Those are certainly not for everyone, but they are, in fact, what happened to me today! I’ll do my best to keep you all in the loop as much as possible. If my praying friends would pray, this little soon-to-be family of four would really appreciate it! We are officially bushed.