I’ve talked before about my bedtime cuddles with Dekker. It became a practice since Christmas. I’m not sure why it specifically started, but it has been amazing since Christmas! The season was really hard for me this last year and it seemed like Dekker became ten times at cuddly in the new year. Best Christmas gift ever!
Usually our evenings are the same. I get mornings to myself with Dekker, so Brady often does his last diaper change, puts him in jammies, and gives him a bit of milk. From there, I always gave him a hug and a kiss before he went to bed. Sometimes he would fuss when he’d come to me, whether for just wanting daddy time or being ready for bed. So my nighttime hugs were always short and sweet. But they slowly evolved into willing cuddles. They started with me pulling him onto my chest and him pushing up on his arms, looking around. I would nibble his neck and chin and he would giggle and fall all over the place. Then they became calmer, with him just laying his head on my shoulder. I would lightly stroke his back and legs, and I would feel him slowly start to curl up before he burst our laughing. My favorite part of that situation is right before it starts, and I feel his hear raising off my chest because he’s smiling so big that his cheeks are pushing him away.
Tonights cuddle was one of my favorites though. I picked him up to lay him down on me, and he was already dead weight, completely slumped. I had to rearrange him on my body, as he’s super long and heavy. He moved once when my phone vibrated but I quickly switched it to silent and he didn’t move after that. Brady left the room to refill the humidifier in Dekker’s room and do a few other things to give me and my son some quiet time. I appreciated it so much. We didn’t move. Or speak. I thought a few times that I should be talking to Dekker, or praying aloud for him, or maybe singing him a bedtime song. Yet I know in my heart that we were communicating perfectly just by laying together, feeling each other breathe.
Such a special thing Dekker and I share. While I tried to get across very clearly what it feels like to be in my position, I’m positive no one can understand this exact feeling. And thats ok 🙂 I can, and Dekker can, and that is the most important thing right now.