The Daily Hailey

This morning was really rocky with Dekker. I think that along with his struggles with his eyes, he is also possibly entering a new stage of figuring out boundaries and mostly just pushing them, and getting angry when he doesn’t get his way. It was amazing how he did ok through breakfast and then as soon as we went to play toys, he would point at a toy and burst out crying. I don’t get it!!! By the time I took him to his room for a nap, he was acting out completely. I completely lost my temper on him and he cried way harder. We were sooo mad at each other. And it broke my heart. He was so tired, and probably uncomfortable. I feel like he needs to learn that even in imperfect circumstances, certain reactions are just not an option, like screaming or hitting, but I am struggling to find the balance between discipline and compassion. I changed his diaper before his nap, with him screaming at me and me screaming back at him. When I picked him up from his change table, he just held me tight. I bawled into his shoulder and he seemed to just rest and doze while I cried. Total. Meltdown. I finally gave him up to his bed, and went to cry in my own bed. I felt like a complete and utter failure. I think all parents probably (hopefully??) have moments like this, but that doesn’t make losing my temper ok. Just because its somewhat normal to feel that way doesn’t excuse it. Just because some people in the world handle situations worse doesn’t make my mistake any less wrong. I’m so thankful he forgave me and loved me so neither of us had to part ways in anger.

My mom called and I bawled again. She was planning to come over mid-afternoon but we bumped that up a bit and she was over sooner, to keep me company and help me get motivated to do some jobs around the house. We made lists in the afternoon, planned some meal ideas for the weekend, and tidied up a few things. I have been gradually pulling all the clothes that don’t fit Dekker out of his closet and dumping them on the chair in his room. So today I did some dishes and my mom folder and boxed those clothes up, taking turns with Dekker while he played and brought us books to read. It was a nice way to spend the afternoon.

Dekker was a bit more hands-on in the evening, but lucky for us both of my parents came out for dinner and to do some evening work! Most of our basement has been in our living room since the flood, and it finally made its way downstairs again! All the boxes and musical equipment is down, and the basement is freshly vacuumed and rearranged to seat more people and have more room to run. Of course there are still lots of big things stacked against one wall and honestly, they’ll probably just stay that way. I’m not too worried. Our kitchen is tidy, and my mom even took on the super disgusting job of throwing away all the unidentifiable leftovers from the fridge. The furnace/storage room is in order, and tons of garbage is out in the bin. I’m feeling like our house is more together than its been in months. Its far from perfect but its a start. Feels good to me!

With all the new developments with Dekker, I’m having trouble distinguishing whether he really is as confused as he appears to be, or if he’s going through a stage, or a bit of both. I’m also wondering just how genetic this whole cross-eyed thing is. So I called our doctors office and she has an opening tomorrow. I’m really looking forward to running a few of these things by her. I value her opinion quite a bit. She’s a wise lady.

All things considered, it was a very successful day. The morning sent me reeling a little, and it took a bit to come back from that, but having an extra set of hands around always helps! Thanks so much mom!! I appreciated you so much today!