The Daily Hailey

Today I saw my doctor for a routine prenatal appointment and I have just been bursting at the seems about it, so it would appear you guys will be my outlet for my emotions!

I was a little unhappy when everything started. They weighed me, and I gained quite a bit more than is considered “average.” At just about 31 weeks, I’ve gained 28 pounds. I know it doesn’t seem like lots, but I’ve had two big months in a row now. I suppose I’m just gearing up for another mondo-child! However, with that weight gain, the baby has GROWN! When my doctor has measured my belly, I’ve always been measuring a week or two small, which doesn’t really matter at all because there is still consistent growth. However, I was considered 30 weeks at my appointment today and instead of measuring 28 weeks, I measured 33! And people, that isn’t based on how fat I am, its aaaaall uterus. So baby is growing beautifully, and I couldn’t be happier. I also spoke to my doctor about the usual stuff – reflux, soreness, low blood pressure, etc. and she was very happy with all my answers. Yes, I have those issues like lots of other pregnant ladies but I’m dealing on them the right way. More and more, I can tell that she trusts me, and I appreciate that.

* A random little side note I have to throw in here is that she really affirmed us with Dekker too. She trusts our judgement with him quite a bit, and so often says things like “If you’re concerned and you’d like me to check, I can do that, but you’re his parents and you know.” I love that! And for the first time ever (that I can remember anyway) she told us she really likes Dekker’s name. While I know we’ll never please everyone with a name, she mentioned that she grew up with lots of people with the same name as her, and that Dekker’s name has the perfect amount of uniqueness to make it a good solid name. I liked that.

Anyway, baby girl has a great, easy to find heartbeat of 145 bpm. Its slowed down quite a bit from her first reading of 179, but apparently thats super normal towards the end of pregnancy so neither of us are concerned. My BIG concern today was finding out her position. She moves around a LOT and I know that at one point she was breech. Doctors want to know baby’s position around week 32, and apparently if baby is breech, they just will then keep a close eye on the situation and possibly try and spin the baby. I won’t see my doctor for another four weeks, as she goes on holidays soon, so if baby girl appeared breech and we didn’t find out until she got back, it could possibly be too late to really make any efforts to spin her. So Dr Guselle was checking my stomach and trying to find her position, and said she was pretty confident she was head down, but couldn’t actually feel her head! So I agreed to a pelvic exam in an effort to be as sure as we could be. I think any woman would agree with me that any internal exam is uncomfortable. I sort of braced myself for it, and less than a second later she was exclaiming “Wow, 100% head down, and looow!” Apparently we can’t feel her head because its already way down there, just about engaged. I am sooo relieved! And with all the contractions I’ve been having, everything is still closed and hard and far away like it should be, so thats great to hear too. By the end of the appointment, I had almost forgotten about the eight pounds I gained these last four weeks. Almost.

I’ve been thinking a lot about being a mom again, and I spoke to one of my pregnant friends about all the emotions that come with it just the other day. She described herself as feeling a little bit guilty because she wasn’t feeling as excited as she thought she should be. I’ve heard lots of people talk about being nervous that they won’t love their second child as much as their first, just because they have SUCH love for their first, so I tried to assure her that it was a natural feeling, and we reminisced about the amazing moment of delivering that screaming little person and the huge flood of love that comes with it! I, however, have the opposite predicament.

I didn’t cry when Dekker was born. I was THRILLED, but it seemed so surreal to me that it didn’t really sink in right away. I more so wanted to look at him and tell him I loved him and absorb every possible thing that was happening to me. It was overwhelming in the best possible way, but I did not cry. Now, I find myself teary just thinking about my baby girl coming out into the world and being mine to hold and nurture and raise. I know I will cry when she finally arrives, and there is a part of me that feels very guilty about that. I have been so careful not to say “I hope its a girl” or anything along those lines that would make my boy seem less special, or baby #2 to feel like they weren’t exactly what I wanted. There WILL NOT be child favoritism in my family, and I’m scared that these emotions I feel about baby #2 will come across wrong.

So this is what I have to say about that. I shouldn’t have to try and stifle my emotions regarding the birth of my daughter. I am not more emotional because she is a girl, or because I’m bored with Dekker. I will (and do) cry because I now know the richness and sweetness that comes with having a child. It is truly amazing. I didn’t know that feeling in the same way when Dekker was born. I knew everything was going to be new, and probably really hard. But going into it a second time, I know what a bright light a child brings to a family, and I feel overwhelmingly blessed to be going through it again.

Yes, I cried in the car. Again. Best day ever.