The Daily Hailey

Do you know that, these days, I often blog with a baby on my lap? A very squirmy baby, usually. Tonight, she is a tiny little nudist, as her bottle was leaky, resulting in milk-soaked jammies. Poor dear. But its nice to see her so comfy and free, and to be able to touch her skin. Her belly button is perfect and little. Her hair is a little fuzzy and standy-uppy on top. Her eyes are HUGE and dark. And her hands are sooo soft and tiny, with long slender piano fingers. I love her.

My mom came out for the day. She brought lunch and supper, and did my dishes. She changed diapers and fed bottles and read books and took pictures and chased Dekker until he wore out. She is amazing company. Tomorrow, I am on my own with the kids. I am still nervous for days on my own, and thinking of that makes me feel inadequate. I’m a mom. I very intentionally had my kids, and plan to have more. Yet why am I so uncomfortable with the thought of being on my own with them? I actually felt mildly embarrassed when I told my doctor I had received help almost every single day since Laela was born. Lucky for me, I have the best doctor in the world, and she was thrilled that I had so much help! She said that is a HUGE bonus when fending off postpartum depression, and that many women who struggle with PPD are those who are left to fend for themselves right off the hop. She supported our plan to slowly have more and more days alone with both kids until I feel strong and ready, but said I should not feel bad if I need to change my mind and have daily help again. I think its very important for me to get on with things and be brave, but it was nice to know she wasn’t thinking “Geez, get it together, woman!” Makes me feel human.

So. Tomorrow. I’m having a day with my kids, just the three of us. I’m a bit nervous, as last time didn’t go especially smoothly. But we all lived! And I know I can do it, whether it’ll be rocky or not. Lucky for me, Brady is hoping to finish up at work a little bit earlier than usual. That does my heart good, just knowing its a possibility that my second day alone with the kids could possibly even be a short day. Just in case it another rocky one, you know? I don’t know.

Do I just sound like a lightweight? Or just super duper blessed??