We’re back!! I’m sad it took me so long to start this series, but last week felt great, and I’m happy to get another shot at a blog series depicting a pregnancy! I know not everyone is able to carry a pregnancy, and no one is entitled to have a baby. Trust me, I know this. And I am SO grateful to be able to carry this baby, for every day I am able. I saw someone ask a question the other day online that really motivated me to put my best foot forward in this situation. She asked the mothers who were currently pregnant after a loss how they felt about the next year. Did they feel anxious, or hopeful? Obviously, I feel both. I would be lying if I said I didn’t. BUT, I want to focus on HOPE, because I want my Bambino to be born to a family who has celebrated them all along the way, and has been excitedly anticipating their arrival, rather than living in fear and dread and expecting the worst end result. I want my heart open. You’ve heard me wonder many times whether one can protect their heart while leaving it open, and for me at least, I just don’t think I can. Maybe, in this case, it has to be all or nothing. I am not ignorant to what could happen. No siree. I am far too aware of what losing a baby would feel like. But I want to celebrate with no inhibitions. I want my baby born into hands that have been itching to hold them, not hands that are fearful and shaky and weary. I don’t know, guys. Goals. Lots rolling around in my mind these days. Let’s dive in.
Size comparison: I struggled (not seriously) with this weeks size comparison last time around, too, because the app I like to follow for this particular information says the baby is the size of a house mouse 🤮 I am NOT a fan of mice. It also suggests a beet, but I feel like beets vary in size, and I also don’t like them. And I REALLY like this baby ❤️ So I did a quick google search and was told the baby was approximately the size of a lemons. And I really like lemons! So I’ll take it. Roughly 3.5”, apparently. I have an ultrasound later this week so maybe I’ll be able to tell you the size more accurately in a few days. But this is the best I know for now! Lemon baby.
Appointments: I saw Dr. Guselle last week Thursday, on the 4th. As I said last time around, I’ll be seeing her every other week, and on the alternating weeks, I’ll go for ultrasounds. Its all just surviving the upcoming weeks until I can start feeling movement, and then some of this will slow down. As long as I can hack it, which I really hope I can.
How am I feeling emotionally: On one level, I feel really good. I hesitate to mention it because I know its controversial, but I have home doppler for listening for baby’s heartbeat. Now I KNOW it could get sketchy if one day I can’t find it, and then I panic and insist on seeing a doctor, and all of that. Trust me, I KNOW this. Thats why I’ve been so hesitant to bring it out. That being said, I bit the bullet and tried it out the other day, and was able to find baby’s heartbeat right away!! I followed the baby as it floated across my abdomen, and just breathed it in. It was a huge relief, and my emotions could lift a little. But, real talk. These coming weeks are big and scary in my heart. I was 16.5 weeks along when I found out Jamin had passed away, but he measured 14.5 weeks. Now, without getting too “icky,” that doesn’t mean thats exactly when he passed. Its entirely likely he died a bit later than 14.5 weeks, but got a bit smaller over time. Ugh. I hate thinking about this kind of thing so logically, but thats just where I am. All of this being said, I’m not sure I’ll breathe much easier until we are fully past the point where we lost him, found out he was gone, etc. I want to see/hear him at 14.5 weeks, and very much at 16. 5 weeks too. I know there are never any guarantees, but passing that milestone feels big. Frankly, all the weeks feel like milestones that we’re trying to prevail through. These ones just feel particularly heavy.
How am I feeling physically: My nausea is well on its way out!! For at least a week, I’ve been forgetting to take my afternoon diclectin, with no real backlash!! If I don’t eat well in the day, I do feel sick by the end of it, but its well within my control. I think I’ll go another week or so without afternoon meds and then start weening off the rest. Woot! Besides my nausea, my pelvic pain and reflux still mean business, but I’ve been stubborn about not calling my physiotherapist, almost like its admitting defeat. My doctor asked me last week if I had been in touch with her yet, and I said I hadn’t, and that I was just too angsty. She laughed at me and said “Well, that’ll show ‘em…” and she’s totally right. I have it written down to make that call today. And to possibly see my chiro in the meantime, because my lower back is piiiiissed.
Wish List/Purchases: I was online shopping a bit with baby in mind over the last couple of days. But that’ll be more fun when we find out the gender, so I’m holding off 🙂 The things that are actually more necessary to purchase are a bit bigger, and I’m pretty gun shy on them :/ So they’re on hold for now.
Pictures: I’ve been doing this picture thing all wrong, haha! I posted a belly picture a few days ago. I’ll get better at it, I promise! I just haven’t felt totally confident with how things are looking just yet. I’m looking forward to my belly being tighter/harder with baby, and less soft and squishy, lol!
How are the kids feeling: If you remember, we’ve watched “Storks” with the kids a couple of times recently. Dekker verbalized his feelings so clearly to me by pointing out why he said he loved the movie. “I love that everyone that wants a baby gets one. They just…get one! I hope we get one too. Except storks don’t actually bring them…” The thoughts went on from there, but I love how his heart wants our family to grow, too. As an aside, my doctor asked how the kids were feeling about me being pregnant again, and she complimented us on talking to them about our losses, and how healthy it is to let them learn to grieve with us, and then get excited with us, too. That was so encouraging to me and my mama heart. I like that my doctor cares about more than just the general physical health of the baby in my womb, but the emotional health and stability of my entire family. She wins every prize.
Get to know the new baby: Our baby is not a fan of being poked with the doppler 🙂 Not in an angry way, but they always swim away from it. Any time we’ve found it (whether myself or Dr. Guselle) baby is actively trying to get away from it. Maybe baby isn’t put off by being poked, but is rather just super duper busy in there! Bambino has never been sleeping or still during an ultrasound either. Since they were old enough to move, they have been! When the baby was basically a stump with legs, those legs were bouncing. I like to think the baby is really active and excited. I cannot wait to feel those kicks and bounces myself. Remind me of these things when I’m aching from being kicked in the ribs day in and day out 😉
Best part of being pregnant: Easily, the most exciting part of being pregnant this week was finding the heartbeat on my home doppler! We took a video of it to remember it, and I wanted so badly to post it on Facebook and Instagram, but I didn’t want to deal with the inevitable nay-sayers, haha! Maybe I’ll finally put it on YouTube and put it on here another time, so only you guys would know it was there 😉 We’ll see. But that was the BEST part of being pregnant this week, hands down.
Baby item recommendation/favorite thing: I could talk about a lot of things that are favourites of mine recently! I’m STOKED about our new diaper pail, but I already kind of gushed about that the other day. Seriously though, Ubbi diaper pail ALL the way! But I think my favourite for today is obvious. Its my doppler! This is NOT me saying everyone should get one of these, because it might not be smart for everyone to have one. Do your research, and make sure you wouldn’t become a crazy person with it 😉 My advice, anyway. I bought mine back to celebrate our fifth pregnancy the first time I got pregnant with our fifth, meaning I bought it right towards the end of 2016, before I lost anyone. Probably, if I didn’t already have it, I wouldn’t buy one now. Because, anxiety. But, I have it, and used it like the day after an appointment, so I was confident in the heartbeat being there, and it was. I think I will only use it at times like that, like the day before or after an ultrasound or appointment, just to keep my heart safe. But the details are, I got this thing for dirt cheap off of AliExpress, and it works really really well!! Like it doesn’t feel like junk. If you were to hypothetically get one for yourself, the resale value is there 🙂 Just saying. Lots of people are on the hunt for these things, and they’re hard to find locally.
When you’ve gone through nervous times, what have you done to curb your anxiety? Care to share any solid coping mechanisms with this nervous Nancy over here? I try to be as self aware as possible, which helps me a lot. That way, I don’t bottle anything too long, and therefore I don’t usually explode in panic. Besides that, writing blogs is therapeutic for me 🙂 And to take control of my awful biting/picking/finger destroying habits, I’ve started to get my nails done, and that has been amazing!! Not only do I not bite and rip at my fingers anymore, but its way harder to pick at other places on my body, like scratches, zits, or ingrown hairs. I am in far less physical pain, and that has been a huge relief! What do you guys do to keep yourself in control when you find yourself easily falling out of control?