Mourning Some of the Small Stuff

As fall is clearly upon us, I’ve been saying how ready I am for a change of season and scenery. I need to feel that time is moving forward. Not that I’m wishing the days away. Trust me, I’m making a very conscious effort not to do just that. But time is rigid. Stock still. Unmoving. And that has to change.

I realized a day or two ago that in losing our Jamin, I lost a few other things. Smaller things. But important things, to me. I was due to have my baby in January, and I was anticipating seeking out some beautiful winter maternity photos. I had a very specific idea of what I would wear, and how snowy it might be, and how enamoured I would be with the baby tucked away in my big round belly. They would’ve been beautiful pictures, really documenting our excitement and love well. And now, thats gone too.

I’m so disappointed to see so many little dreams and ideas float away seemingly so easily. I know things will change, we will recover to a healthy point, and I like to think we’ll get our chance at those beautiful maternity photos again. But right now, it just all feels like a gross injustice.

Miscarriage photo shoot, anyone? Pretty sure that’s not a thing.

One of the Boring Ultrasounds

A few days after my appointment with my OB, she called me with some ideas. She said she was thinking a bit more about our appointment and wondered if I would be willing to go for a pelvic ultrasound to rule out possible polyps or any other internal problem like that. She said it was an unlikely answer, as polyps would probably keep me from conceiving at all, rather than ending a pregnancy. But she wanted to be thorough and cover all the bases. I am in full support of that, have no issue consenting to that kind of test, and honestly, it feels good to be doing something while I wait for the blood test results to come in. Its literally been a week since my blood was sent in for testing, and I’ve heard there are likely 3-5 more weeks to wait for results! Ack!! So obviously, I said I would be more than willing to go for the ultrasound.

Today was the day. While Dekker was at school, and the little boys were napping, my mom came over to watch Frozen (yet again) with Laela, and Brady and I went to the scan together. I feel like, after everything we’ve gone through this year, I will never be made to go to an appointment alone ever again. And honestly, I love that. I appreciate the safety of having someone with me <3 And I know it takes time out of someone elses schedule, in this case, my moms. But I know people are willing to help us out and show us love, and for that I am SO thankful!

My ultrasound wasn’t exciting. I kept glancing up to the screen, looking for that token baby-filled uterus you always see in pictures. Who knows what a pelvic ultrasound looks like?? Finally, I just stopped watching. It was boring. But it was so lovely to see our tech again! The three of us chatted the entire visit, topics ranging from Jamin (obviously) to winter sports to the kids getting sick, etc. It was much more relaxed than our previous ultrasounds, for obvious reasons. None of that “looking for life in there” stuff this time.

If I had to make a prediction, I am a tad suspicious that she found something notable in there. I can’t be sure, but will hopefully hear soon. She seemed to get extra focused from time to time, leaning closer to the screen. But to be fair, I don’t know what she’s supposed to be seeing in there, so I don’t actually know anything.

I can honestly say that I’m not worried. Either I’m in the clear, or I’m not and we’ll have something to work on in there. I know there could be worse answers, but I’m not even there in my head. I don’t feel fear about this today. I’m taking it as a positive experience where I got to touch base with my lovely sonographer once again. I’m not sure how much more I’ll see her. If the future holds more ultrasounds for me, many of them will likely be at my OBs office, so we’ll see. I hope, one day, I can bring in a new baby for her to snuggle, however briefly it may be.

I’ll let you guys know results as soon as I have them! Thanks for following us and caring about us <3

Back at Physio

I cannot stress enough how important it is for women to go to physio after having babies. Even if everything seems to be working right, its just a really good idea. I can’t really force this one anyone, because to be fair, I only started going after I had Solly because I strained a muscle that refused to get better, and I’ve been going on and off.

My physiotherapist is wonderful. She specializes in womens health, and I would eagerly recommend her to anyone in search of a physiotherapist. Besides her amazing wealth of knowledge, she has an exquisite balance between sensitivity and sarcasm. Professional and personal. She is the whole package. I am consistently blown away by the fact that I seem to have the best people in all the right places. Not to sound too “Barney Stinson” ish, but I have a “guy” for just about everything. I don’t have a “guy” guy, but if you need one, I’ll be yours! (For those who haven’t watched “How I Met Your Mother,” please feel free to ignore this reference and move on, haha!)

I had seen my physio just a few days before we found out Jamin had died, and at the time, we had booked a follow up. Hers was a phone I called in tears, explaining my newfound situation, and asking if we should keep our appointment, postpone it, etc. I missed her call when she did call me back, but she expressed her sincere condolences and said I should feel free to take an extra week or two, and then we’d follow up when my body was further into the postpartum stage. And that was today.

She called me back into my appointment and right away asked if she could offer me a hug. I gladly accepted, and we spent the first chunk of my appointment talking about what we’d struggled through the last few weeks. She asked me about what tests, if any, I’d been through since then, and we discussed OBs and tests and the like. Being an expert in her field, she has really good connections with some of the OBs in the city, so we had a lot to talk about. When we got to the point of talking about our plans for the future, she was so warm and understanding of where my heart is, and we talked about strengthening all the right things inside my core and my pelvic floor in preparation for yet another pregnancy. She is such a positive person, in how she speaks and how she teaches. I could see it was an intentional thing to think optimistically and to plan for the best, which I really appreciated. She was totally understanding when I got teary from time to time, and just continued to encourage me and make things as simple as possible. I always leave appointments with her feeling like what has been asked of me it completely doable. My days are full and hectic, but she doesn’t ask too much of me at all. And never does she demand perfection. EVER.

We made a plan and I left feeling hopeful and encouraged. It always feels good to be doing as much as you can humanly possibly be doing for your body, so thats what I’m trying for! But I am now home, eating a grossly unhealthy lunch and watching Frozen with my daughter and husband. Jealous, anyone?

Hailey’s Planning Energy

More than ever, I’m trying to live day by day. Looking too far ahead makes me crazy, and its not healthy for me. I know this. That being said, though, I love anticipating and looking forward to things. Having lost two babies this year, I’m obviously finding it hard not to be planning for and anticipating the birth of another child. Its possibly one of the biggest challenges I’ve ever experienced.

So I’ve decided to channel my planning energy into Christmas!! I wrote on Facebook earlier that I am more than aware that some of my friends have pretty strong feelings about getting into the Christmas spirit “too early.” Let’s just keep with the rule of thumb and be polite, even if we disagree on this one, ok? I am struggling SO HARD with not looking ahead, so I’ve given up trying not to, and have just changed the thing I’m anticipating. Makes sense, right? Right. I think so too 😉

For the last few years, we’ve done the four categories of Christmas gifts. Each kids gets something they want, something they need, something to wear, and something to read. We like to get them one shared thing as well, and then jammies, socks, and underwear as needed. Basically stuff that we’d normally buy them if it was necessary, but we make it be part of Christmas, haha! I love this system for a lot of reasons. We don’t end up with a TON of toys, for one thing. We can make part of the gift giving practical. And I really like that we can plan ahead and therefore be nice and organized, as well as being smarter financially.

This year is proving more difficult as I’ve been brainstorming lists for the kids. To be fair, I know I have time, but I love to be organized and ready in advance. If I’m all ready and shopped up early, I can spend more time doing activities with the kids, baking, etc. So the brainstorming began a couple of weeks ago already. We’ve made decisions already on everyone’s “something to read,” and we have a plan for their “something to wear” as well. We have a few of the “wear” items on hand already, and have ordered a few sets of jammies. So its starting to come together, slowly.

Each year, I find the “something to need” to be the biggest challenge. We are fortunate enough to be able to purchase what our children truly need as they come up. So I’ve had trouble discerning what actually constitutes a need. Last year, I gave up and just chose them practical gifts for their needs. Laela got a jewelry box for her tangled pile of necklaces. Dekker got a new pillow. Stuff like that. This year, we already have a few needs chosen, and strangely, the part of the list that is giving us the most trouble is the wants!!

I assume Dekker and Laela being in school will give them some ideas of what they want, though so far Laela insists she wants a stuffed toy for Christmas. Because apparently the four she sleeps with, along with her pillow and three blankets isn’t enough, haha! I don’t just want to buy toys, honestly. They have SO many. I’ve been super excited, though, to find some really cool things and really good ideas that are somewhat practical that I know our kids will love. But here’s my quandary. They’ll all be pretty useless in winter. They’ll be awesome in spring and in the warmer months, but not in winter.

What would you do? Would you get them these fun things for the warmer months, only to pack them away until the time comes? Or would you keep brainstorming for other things? I’m so tossed up. They’ll like these things WAY more than something plastic floating around the living room for a couple of months, but at least those they’d get to play with. Please share your thoughts with me!!

Being a Parent was Hard This Morning

A certain group of monkeys woke up SO early this morning. “Hailey, you don’t know what early mornings are, your kids sleep until 9:00!” I know, I know, my kids are great sleepers. They’ve been waking earlier recently, for the record, but the last few days have been around 6:30 which, while not unheard of, is definitely on the early side of things for all of us. Including them. With this shift, plus adding in school and other activities, everyone’s attitudes have taken a bit of a hit, and the kids are grouchy in the mornings. The mornings used to be the best time of their day, but its been a struggle the last little while.

This morning was similar, in the way that it was getting scrappy. All three older kids were constantly nitpicking at each other, tattling over everything, crying very easily, etc. Its survivable, but draining behavior. Brady decided to take the kids on a bike ride, because sometimes a change of scenery is the best thing. The kids were thrilled, and everyone was eager to get dressed and get going. I was feeling fairly wiped out from the morning myself, but Brady was willing to take everyone on his own. Anticipating the break ahead gave me some good energy, and I helped everyone get ready to go. Except the entire time they were supposed to be getting ready, they were fighting!! Dekker would throw clothes at Laela, who would then scream bloody murder at him. Then Dekker would be perpetually sour at Laela, who would then lie about him throwing more clothes, even though I was there and saw that he hadn’t. It was a constant battle, with constant reminders, but it soon became clear that a reward just wasn’t up for grabs in this case.

I know. Trust me, I know. A bike ride would’ve ended some of the fighting and been a distraction. Thats not so much how we parent. We don’t love the redirection thing. No burn on anyone who does! Its just how we do things, and in this case, a bike ride would’ve been easier, but those kids needed a consequence. So we called the bike ride off, and everyone bawled. Brady and I realized right away just how unfair this all was to the little boys, so he took them out to the garage so Rowan could play on the trike and Solly could crawl around with the sand toys.

And thats how I went from getting a break and some silence to cleaning the house with the weepy, wounded children.

It wasn’t how I had hoped to spend my morning, but it was important. And really, it worked out. The kids understood why they lost their outing, and once they got over the initial disappointment, they buckled down and cleaned. But because I’m their parent, I cleaned too. We vacuumed the whole main floor, scrubbed down the chairs and high chairs, wiped all door handles and cabinet handles/drawer pulls. Laela wiped down the bathroom faucet and Dekker cleaned the coffee makers. The fridge, stove, and dishwasher fronts were all washed, and baseboards were dusted. I cleaned the microwave and stove tops, and helped them with their jobs. At that point, I figured we had burned through enough Lysol wipes for one day, and I called everyone in to my huddle. They both remembered what they had done, and owned their punishments. And then we all had a good hug and moved on.

I’m glad the morning is over, but its good that it happened. I’m 110% exhausted right now, which I know I don’t have much of a right to feel, but nevertheless, I am. Brady is going to continue some work into the garage and move some things around. Since we bought biked in spring, there has been no hope of parking our van in the garage, and I’d really like to have that available to us again before winter comes. So some rearranging would be handy, and Brady is willing.

Now just to get my butt up to continue in the productive day…

Where I Am, Body and Soul

Disclaimers are annoying, but I feel the need to say once again that if you’re not a fan of some “dirty” details, feel free to pass on todays post. No love lost <3 But this is going to be an update on where my body is and where my heart is and all of those things.

Its been four weeks. I’d be a solid 20 weeks pregnant today if all had gone according to my plan. But it didn’t. I delivered Jamin exactly four weeks ago this morning, and like I said last week, I’m stuck between feeling like everything is so recent, and also like so much time has passed.

My body is finally starting to settle down. I think. I know its too much information, but I have finally stopped bleeding. Literally, yesterday was the first day that I didn’t bleed. It has been exhausting on my body to bleed for so long, and very exhausting on my spirit, to suffer from these physical symptoms for so dang long. When we lost Theo in January, I bled for two weeks, and it felt like an eternity. I always bleed long after I have a baby, but at least I usually have a baby to show for myself. Its so much worse this way. But anyway, hopefully that’s finally done. My boobs are still leaking, and my skin is still rough, though I’m hopeful thats on its way to calming down too. We’ll know soon enough when my blood tests come back and tell me if my hcg level is completely down or not. I should say here that I actually haven’t lost much of my baby weight at all, and I have mixed emotions about that. I started my pregnancy with Jamin a tad lighter than I cared to be, so I was happy to gain some weight back. Now, I’m slightly above where I’d ideally like to be, but not by any important amount at all. All this is to say that, while I would happily drop five pounds along the way, I’m happy I didn’t just quit eating when we lost our baby. I’m an emotional non-eater, which can get unhealthy pretty fast. I’ve been there. This part of my recovery is ALL thanks to my amazing friends and family and church who came around us and made us meals for so long! I don’t think we prepared food for literally two weeks! It was an amazing gift, and because of it, we stayed healthy and as well as we could be. How do you even thank that many people??

As for the rest of me. Its been an interesting four weeks, with lots of twists and turns. I know, that sounds SO cliche, but I’m not sure how else to word it. The ups and downs are all over the map, with those couple of days where I couldn’t see which way was up, and days like yesterday where I felt normal and like we didn’t lose a child last month. I have never sorrowed so deeply. Never. Its been completely unreal, but SO real at the same time. Its hard to sort all of these things out. I almost wish my desire for a larger family died when my babies did. It would make this whole thing so much easier, to just know that we were done now. Except that we don’t. We do want more kids. The desire hasn’t changed. What we feel called to do, and how we feel called to grow our family has not changed. It is still there. But its just so much scarier now. And I don’t want to live in fear. So there is a lot of soul searching still to do, but I’m glad to feel somewhat clear headed on the subject. I learned earlier this year that it was in fact POSSIBLE to miss someone so desperately while eagerly anticipating someone else. I learned that it wasn’t cruel or unloving to keep moving forward. And while I know there are some jerks out there, I learned that the important people in my life KNOW that wanting another child doesn’t mean we’re trying to replace the ones we lost. If you know us at all, you know where our desires are rooted, and you know how much we love our little baby boys. That will never ever change. I feel like it is a sign of recovery that we can look forward with hope. And we’re there. We are recovering.

We are definitely still grieving and struggling, but we LOVE to talk family with people! Don’t be afraid to talk babies and pregnancy and future plans with me 🙂 I’m serious. Don’t be too too careful. I hate when I can tell that people are tip toeing. I have this constant ache to talk family with women who want to talk to me about it! And even though we are in this difficult place, that ache hasn’t left either.

Healing is coming. Its already started. I see these wounds as always being sensitive, and I anticipate they’ll tear back open a handful of times over the years, but they will be healthy wounds that I will always attend to and take care of. They’re part of my life now, and rather than waiting for them to be gone, I’m just making room for them to be here.

Rather to have loved and lost, right?

Full Day, Fun Day

I can’t remember the last time I blogged this late into the evening! It likely wasn’t too terribly long ago, but it feels like forever! I love day blogging, but today was such a good, full, refreshing day that I’m more than fine with playing a little catch up.

I took Dekker to school this morning and made it home just in time to take Laela to preschool. Today was my parent volunteer day, and it was fun to see Laela in action with the other kids. I should say rather, it was entertaining to see Laela not in action, haha! She participated in everything, but just the minimum that was required, haha! She would sit at the front of the group of kids, and stand for the songs, but would not sing along or do actions. I’m positive it will come 😉 She’s SUCH an energetic happy girl, and I know those wiggles are in there, but they’re taking their time coming out. It was cute to see her line up with the other kids her age, and learn which kids she’ll go to school with next year. I liked it.

Laela and I drove home after preschool and I had about ten minutes maximum before I ran back out to make a hair appointment. I was SO looking forward to getting my hair refreshed after 3.5 months! Thank goodness my purple had continued to fade really pretty, and it never really felt like it looked bad, but the ends were looking pretty fried and I had a new idea. The two hours I usually spend in the salon grew to an incredibly 3.5 hours, and I will admit that I loved every minute of that break! I sipped my coffee, texted my friends and husband, read magazines, chatted with my hair girl, and in general was pampered and relaxed. My head burned a few times, but thats to be expected 😉 It was really fun, and I feel way fresher. I wish I had a chance to put myself together before I went to my appointment, but hey, you can’t have everything.

I dropped by my moms house on my way home, to show off my hair and quickly catch up on her day. It wasn’t a long visit, but I’ll take what I can get! I love her. But it was soon time to head back to my own house and family. They were all settled, kids eating supper, and Brady and I were ready to hang out a bit. Bedtime was on the rougher side of our usual, but Jerilee showed up at just the right time, and we wasted the rest of the evening away catching up on Bachelor in Paradise. Ok, I admit, we’re still putridly behind, but we’re working on it. It was a lovely evening of good food, good company, and trashy tv. During our evening, we had someone drop off something we had mailed to their house (long story) as well as our lovely neighbour brought us an armful of fresh veggies from her garden!

Seriously, guys, I say it so often but I’m not sure if I say it here that often. We have the best people. The absolute best!! This day felt like a day that was needed, or at the very least, it was much appreciated. I don’t anticipate that I’ll now fire at 100 every single day form here on out, or anything crazy like that, but today was fun and light and enjoyable.

Definitely worth the late blog.

I am Ready for Fall

I never feel like fall hits so quickly after school starts. To be fair, this is only my second year with a kid in school, but even when I was younger and in school, I always felt like the first chunk of the school year was still somewhat summery. I’m sure this was partly why going back to school was always tough. That and not being able to sleep in anymore. I am not a fan of setting my alarm and now I’m doing it every single day. Its an interesting challenge. But I’m actually ok with it.

Technically, there are still a few days of summer left, but I am so ready for fall. More ready for fall than ever! I vastly prefer warm weather to cold, but let me tell you it is time for a change of season over here. I loved our summer for our few trips to the lake, for getting our beautiful deck built, and for celebrating our pregnancy. It was a very heavy summer, though, as we worked up to the due date of the baby we lost in January, only to find out so soon afterwards that our second little 2017 baby was gone too. I’ll say again, I love summer. But this one was hard. And its time to move forward.

Sometimes I think I’d rather live somewhere where the season changes weren’t so obvious, but I actually think its good for me to see the shift and have a change of scenery, even when its not all favourable, in my opinion.

With feeling this way, I am just ready for the cooler weather. I have a cute new fall jacket that I bought off of a discount site, I’m aching to wear boots, and sweaters, and bit scarves. I’ve been saving crochet projects on Pinterest, and planning for Christmas. Yes, I know, I’m one of “those people.” I was wanting to write today’s post all about Christmas but I know a handful of you would have a bone to pick with me 😉 So I’ll save that for a bit, I guess. But seriously, I’m in the zone.

Today is grey and rainy and cool, and I’m so happy with it. I love the rain. I’ll admit I’ve found myself teary on and off throughout the day, for no real reason, with no real trigger. Its like my body knows its less vulnerable to cry in the rain. Who knows. I’m ok with it, though. My heart feels so heavy, and I need to let it do its thing. If that thing is crying, bring it on.

Rain feels so symbolic to me these days. In a really good way, honestly. So many verses, so many encouraging metaphors, so many pictures in my head. I need to get this tattoo happening, guys!

Laela Started Pre-school!!

Or, as Laela would say, she started “pee-cool!”

She was SO excited as she got ready this morning. It was pretty adorable. She put on her cute outfit, brushed her teeth, let me fix her hair up a bit, etc. She kept telling me she was so excited to meet all of her new friends.

When we got there, we went inside and took of her shoes, put on her indoor shoes, and put her sweater into her backpack. She saw all the toys and games set up and announced “This is so exciting! Looks cool!” She was amped.

She had a moment of hesitance when she actually had to go into the little classroom, meet the teacher, and actually interact. She wasn’t crying or upset, but she wouldn’t speak. She would only respond with nods or shakes of her head. But thankfully, her teacher is exceptional and very familiar with kids her age, so no one was rushed. Laela and I wandered through the room a little bit and looked at the toys. She wasn’t sold, but she wasn’t trying to leave, either. Her main concern was that she wanted me to stay. I told her I’d stay for a minute, but that didn’t seem to be quite what she wanted.

Finally, her teacher came and asked her if they go find some Barbie clothes and they could dress Barbies together. Laela nodded and off they went. Win! No tears, no big fears. Just nerves, like all of us have in new situations.

I’ll admit that I watched the clock a bit in the morning. I actually set an alarm so I wouldn’t accidentally forget to pick her up! When I did arrive, only a couple of minutes early, everyone was playing outside, having a riot. Lots of parents were coming to collect their kids, but Laela didn’t notice me. She was into it! When it was announced that it was time to tidy up the toys that were all over the lawn, Laela did her part and tidied up until it was all done, and then kind of looked around to see what was next. I finally called her name and she looked my way. She was full of smiles and ran over to me. I was quickly informed that she didn’t want to leave. I told her grandma was at our house, which helped a little. And I told her we’d come back to preschool, which she also liked. But she only willingly came with me when she saw other kids leaving. So we left, with her reassuring me that the teacher liked her and would miss her.

It was a great success. My little threenager (I can only call her that for 18 more days!) loved her time at preschool, making friends, playing new games, and I think she liked being independent in a new way.

I’m so proud of you, Laela! You were brave and friendly and did a great job on your first day of school!! I love you!

Meeting Up with my OB

I started the day by attempting to shave my armpits with my toothbrush. It wasn’t the smoothest morning, clearly, (or the smoothest shave…) but the day moved forward. I got the kids up and brought everyone to school to drop Dekker off, which went fairly smoothly. The kids played pretty well, and were nice and hungry and ready for lunch when that time rolled around. They ate, and I ate, but I spilled lunch all down my shirt, which sucked. I hit a few small road blocks throughout the morning, but it was pretty ok. Thank goodness for a friend of mine, who picked me up a cold brew and stopped by for a short visit. Our chat passed the time so smoothly while I waited for Brady to get home. I really really appreciated the company.

My mom offered to come with me to my appointment, which was just perfect. While I didn’t exactly know what to expect from my appointment, I was going to see my OB for the first time since we found out about Jamin. It was a pretty heavy, complicated time those three-ish weeks ago, and I didn’t know what today would look like with her. After anticipating this appointment that entire time, I had grown nervous and antsy and ready to just get to it and see what would come of it, and learn what my next steps would be. I felt SO ready, but also vastly unprepared. It was such a gift to have my mom along, as she’d been to that same office in the past, and was familiar with where to go, where to park, etc. Once again, the company was exceptional. So we made our way there together and didn’t have to wait too terribly long before we got into an exam room. I expected to wait for a good hour, but it was less than ten minutes, easily.

Before my OB came in, I was handed one of those multiple choice tests to rate my mental health. Those kind of drive me bananas, because while I think its SO important to keep a close eye on mental health, especially after going through such a difficult time, I don’t like how that particular test works. Unless you’re fully happy 110% of time, you show up as either mildly depressed or anxious. I’m sure my take on it is a bit extreme, but they’ve not always been administered particularly well, so I may just have a skewed perspective. That all being said, when she did arrive in my exam room, she added it up quickly and said I was in the normal range, and set it aside. Perfect. Because I feel “normal.”

It wasn’t a very long appointment. She asked her few questions, gave me room to ask mine, and then we talked about the next steps. Some of the impressions I was under were wrong, and the timeline looks quite different than what I thought.

*** I’d like to throw in my usual disclaimer here and say that pleeeaaase, if you think you’d do something differently than we are, don’t argue with me over it. Please. Trust us, and respect our decision, even if they’re not for you. <3

My initial impression was that I would get a bunch of blood work done when I was 6 weeks postpartum, and that would reveal if I have a blood clotting disorder or not. That is a fairly easy condition to manage, so I’ve been rooting for that to actually show up in my blood work so we can remedy it and keep moving forward. Keep thinking about future babies. Give us something to fix, basically. Today, I learned that I could get my blood tested today already! I was SO excited and relieved to try and bump the process just that much further ahead. However, new information has come to pass. IF this blood clotting disorder does show up in my blood tests, we have to wait another three months and re-test to see if its still there. And if it is, then we go forward with the easy fix and we can try to conceive after that. For whatever reason, unlike standard blood work, these results take longer to get back. MUCH longer. If this clotting disorder that I’ve been rooting for shows up, and I have to go through the re-testing process, that will leave us waiting at least six months before we can even consider trying again.

Trust me. We’re not rushing. We’re not forgetting or ignoring our beautiful Jamin, or Theo. We’re not trying to erase what happened or replace the little boys we lost. But guys, we ache so badly for a baby. I know some of you can relate. We have anticipated TWO babies now, with no actual baby to show for it. I feel like I have been pregnant for a year, and I have nothing to show for it except two little teddies and a scary little box of ashes. To think that we can’t even consider trying to conceive for SIX MONTHS feels like an absolute eternity. My heart breaks just thinking this is even a possibility.

That possibility is easily the worst news from today, and its all hypothetical. I know this. Beyond that, we received a lot of positive news and plans for the future. But I’ll admit that I’m scared of what will come of my blood test. And the results are weeks away.

I want answers, but I don’t want that answer. I want a clear test. Please pray with me.