The Daily Hailey

I am loving the love. Thank you everyone for being so excited for my growing family. It is truly everything  I’ve ever wanted and could not feel more blessed!

I had an ultrasound this morning. After another kind of lame-o sleep, I got up and got Dekker and I ready in decent time. We weren’t rushed, we just took our time. I was dreading drinking that large amount of water they ask you to drink in preparation for an ultrasound. With my last scan, the water made me feel sooo sick! Seriously, I was still suffering from it the next day. But I remembered this morning that my last experience, I only had water in me. No food. So this morning, I drank my three water bottles with some crackers and cheese ball beside. Carrie, you make the best cheese ball ever!!! Seriously, you guys, cheese ball for breakfast. Anyway, with the help of a bit of food, the water drinking wasn’t unbearable! However, once it was drank, I was ready to go. I didn’t want to pace my house while my urge to pee got worse and worse. So we left early and drove just at speed limit all the way there.

* I want to insert a little disclaimer in here. I am a Christian, and I strive daily to live my life as a God-fearing person. I am not ashamed of this, and I hope a little Bible-thumping won’t scare too many off you off 😉

On my drive, I listened to a band called “The Classic Crime.” I was introduced to them by a friend several years ago who showed me that there is really incredible music out there that can truly honor God while sounding good. I’ve struggled with finding “good” Christian music for years, but this band is definitely worth a listen if you’re looking for the same thing I am. My favorite song has always been “Who Needs Air.” Listening to it this morning broke me down. A peace came over me as I picked over the words, hearing things like “Give up the air that you breathe, you don’t need anything” and “Life is more than what I have accomplished.” I can’t really put it into words very well, but the song talks about having God means you need nothing else. Our accomplishments are not our own. They are His! Maybe it won’t translate the way it did for me but I had this peace in my heart knowing that all my anxiety, while valid and justified, needed to be calmed. God is completely in control of my pregnancy! I don’t need to stress so much. I don’t need anything! He’s got it all laid out. Yikes, I’m not explaining this well at all, and I’ve been planning this post in my head all day. I tried, and it meant something to me. Definitely a song to check out.

I got to my appointment with time to spare and got in right on time. You could probably smell the anticipation on me. I have never seen a baby in me at this stage and I was more than ready. In no time at all, there it was.

This flawless little baby, jumping up and down inside of me. We saw feet and fingers. We saw the profile, head on, and from the back. We saw the heart beating perfectly, and even got a video. I cried. Why was I so afraid?!

I’m feeling so optimistic right now, on such a high from the day, but I’m emotionally shot as well. Done. Yet somehow, I feel that peace from the morning still. Without sounding super low and dark, even after all of this, if we lost our baby, it would be truly devastating and we would mourn our loss of life like any parent would.

But who am I to tell God I need another baby? I may desire one in the biggest way on the biggest scale, but I don’t need anything. I’m so thankful that these things aren’t in my hands or in my control.

I don’t need air.